PARTIAL TO ALGAE, AND HEWY LIKES KELP, BUT WE’LL PRETTY MUCH EAT ANY TYPE OF SEAWEED.” The four humans almost cheered. “AND OF COURSE THE OCCASIONAL SHIP, WHEN WE CAN FIND THEM.”
“YEAH, I LIKE TO SUCK OUT THE SQUISHY BITS IN THE MIDDLE.” Hewy said licking his lips in remembrance of bygone feasts.
“LUCKY ENOUGH FOR YOU.” Maney said. “YOU ALWAYS FIND THEM FIRST. IF ONLY WE COULD REMEMBER WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. DON’T SUPPOSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE DO YOU?” The NO was audible in the Horn Mountains. “DIDN’T THINK SO. SO WHAT KIND OF SEA MONSTER ARE YOU?”
“Linitis old Heratas.” Opie shouted, happy that his vast knowledge of all things monster like was finally going to pay off.
“A LINA-WHATS-IT?”
“Sorry that was our Latin name, we are more commonly known as Blue Bellied Grumblers.”
“LATIN NAME, ISN’T THAT THE THING THE SQUISHY THINGS CALL STUFF, SO THEY CAN LAUGH AT YOU.” Hewy had a closer look at the ship in Maneys hand. “YOU KNOW WHAT MANEY. I THINK THAT THERE IN YOUR HAND COULD BE A SHIP.”
“I DON’T THINK SO HEWY. IT TALKS. SHIPS ONLY SCREAM.”
“YOU COULD BE RIGHT, MAYBE WE SHOULD EAT IT ANYWAY, JUST TO BE SURE.” (Sorry to interrupted at such a critical moment, but it would hardly be a good tale if you didn’t know the facts. Rumor: People can live inside sea monsters stomachs quite happily for years, if he doesn’t chew. Fact: 1; Sea monsters stomachs are filled with flesh eating acid, not pleasant. 2; Sea monsters always chew their food very well, if it’s not seaweed, they like things that don’t taste green. Rumor: Sea monsters are cunning and vicious. Fact: Sea monsters stupid and laid back. Rumor: A sea monster will eat anything. Fact: A sea monster will eat anything that fits in its mouth. There are many more facts about sea monster, but those are the ones pertinent to this story.) Tricks had had enough. She strode purposeful towards the monsters waving her swords. Opie looked crest fall, because his plan to fake being a sea monster hadn’t worked. Brain was wrapped up in his own thoughts; it had to do with sea monster transport networks. The only one left with a plan that might succeed was Siege. She cleared her throat and said:
“Excuse me Maney.” The ship continued its short journey towards Maneys mouth. So she shouted. “Maney do you know what a cannibal is.” The ship stopped and a puzzled expression flitted over the monsters huge, terrifying face.
“NO, BUT IT DOESN’T SOUND VERY NICE.”
“I’VE HEARD OF THAT.” Hewy said. “I GOT HIT BY ONE OF THOSE LAST YEAR, WHEN WE ATE THAT NICE LITTLE HARBOUR. BOY DID IT EVER STING.”
“No,” Siege shouted, “I think that was a cannon ball.”
“OH, THEN WHAT’S A CAN…A CAN-O…WHAT YOU SAID?”
“A cannibal. Let me explain it this way, would you eat your friend Maney?”
“DON’T KNOW.” Hewy replied, “I’VE NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.” Not the answer Siege was looking for. So she tried another track.
“Maney, would you eat Hewy?” Maney shook his head.
“MAYBE, IF HE TASTED GOOD.” (Head movement responses are one of those things that don’t always translate correctly from species to species. For example a goblin shaking his head will mean no, while a dragon’s nod will mean he wants to jump your bones.) Siege put her hands over her face and quietly screamed. Her cunning plan to fool the monsters into not eating the ship because it would be cannibalistic was going nowhere. Opie saw what was happening and knew just how to fix the situation.
“You two are a lot bigger than our little ssh…um, us.” he said, the cunning plan taking root. “And you probably taste a lot better.” The two monsters looked at each other, the dawning of an idea that had never occurred to each other suddenly blossoming in their minds. (New fact: A sea monster will eat anything that fits in its mouth or it can bite off his best friend.) Maney carefully put the boat down and took a bite out of Hewy. Hewy took a bite out of Maney. They floated in the water chewing, it tasted very good.
“THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.” Maney said, “YOU SHOULD TRY IT.” So Hewy did, and took a huge bite out of himself. (New fact: Sea monsters have a high pain threshold and are remarkably stupid.)
“YOU KNOW MANEY.” Hewy said as they swam off. “WE ARE GOING TO EAT VERY WELL FROM NOW ON.”
“THAT’S A FACT HEWY.” he replied, taking a small bite of his friend’s ear. It was a bit chewy, so he spat it out and took a bite out of his own rump. (Fact: Sea monsters are now on the endangered species list.)
“That was kind of unexpected.” Brain said. The others nodded in agreement. (Human head movement responses are the same as goblins.) Opie and Siege took this opportunity to hug and kiss each other. Tricks and Brain gasped.
“Did you see that?” Brain said completely blown away.
“Yes.” Tricks replied, “She just popped out of nowhere when he kissed her.”
“This could be important.” Brain continued.
“You’re damn right.” Tricks said, drawing her sword again. “I’m going to kill your little friend. Opie! What the hell are you doing to my sister?”
“Siege is your sister?”
“Not sister; sister, metaphorically, like the sisters of questionable virtue sister.”
“You’re a sister of questionable virtue?” Brain said, a smile spreading across his face, he knew what she meant, but couldn’t help himself.
“No you moron I said ‘like’, like a sister.”
“Oh,” Brain said desperately trying not to laugh out loud. “You just sleep with people for money, but aren’t a sister.”
When they finally got Brain back on board he was still laughing, and Tricks had forgotten all about Opie and Siege. Tricks spent the rest of the afternoon kicking things and mumbling dark and dastardly things she was going to do to Brain. Opie and Siege sat at the back of the boat and fished for supper. (Supper was pickled sausage and what can only be described as penicillin.) Brain decided to continue his work on ‘the amazing thing that is made from thin poles and cotton canvas’. He tried various things, but couldn’t quite work out where it was leading him. He had the feeling that it was going to revolutionize the world, but he just didn’t know how. Then he remembered a drawing he had seen. Dragon’s wings. Using the tools he could find, he got to work. Brain being Brain knew that dragon wings were not perfect, so he redesigned them. What he ended up with is best described as ‘not dragon’s wings’. When he hauled it on deck and told the others of his great invention they all chuckled at him, until he showed them how it worked, then they really laughed. In a huff Brain went back below deck to make some energy drinks, his great invention sleeping with the fishes and occasional sea monster. (I’m not sure that pickled fish, rotten milk, pirate water and other unrecognizable ingredients could make an energy drink, but it would probably taste just the same as all the others he had concocted over the years.)
The next day absolutely nothing happened, except that Siege was a lot more visible, as was Opie’s grin.
At about two o’clock the next morning Brain went outside to take over the watch from Tricks, but couldn’t find her. Half asleep he thought nothing of it. It wasn’t until breakfast that he started to worry. They searched the ship, but the only sign of her was her sword, left lying on the deck. They called and called, but nothing came of it.
“She must have fallen over board.” Opie said to the distraught Brain. “Or maybe the sea monster came back. I think we are going to have to face facts, Brain, I think she could be dead.”
“Take that back. No one could kill Tricks. No way. Not Tricks. She’s probably hiding, having a good laugh.” Brain stood and threw his mug at the wall. “You think that’s funny.” he shouted. He sat back down and banged his forehead on the table. “She would have laughed at that.” he said, “’How’s throwing you mug going to help, Brain’ she would have said. ’Temper, temper, Brain’ and I had just made a new batch of energy drinks.”
“Maybe that’s why she vanished.” Siege whispered to Opie. Neither of them laughed. They all knew that without T
ricks the adventure was over. They were going to hang around on the ship until they hit land, and then make their way home. The worst hit was Brain, he became very morbid. He would stand on deck and look out at the horizon. Siege and Opie worried about him.
“I hope he isn’t thinking of jumping overboard.” Siege said that night, while she and Opie sat below deck.
“I don’t think so. I tried to talk to him, but he just said he wanted to be alone.”
“Do you know if he and Tricks had a thing?” she blushed.
“I can’t be sure, but I think there could have been something in the past.”
“They do make a perfect, if a bit bazaar, couple.” Siege said.
“Yeah, they do act a bit like school children.” They both chuckled for the first time that day. “You’ve known her for the longest, has she ever mentioned anything?”
“No.” Siege replied. “Until we started this adventure, I didn’t even know that she knew Brain. Sure I would see him at the Swill a lot, but always talking to someone about some great idea of his.” They were silent for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts.
“I sure wish I could hear the two of them argue again.”
“Where the hell have you been?” Brain shouted.
“Don’t shout at me, Brain.” Tricks shouted back. Opie and Siege ran on deck and pretty much rehashed what Brain had asked.
“Let’s get below deck and crack open some pirate water. Boy do I have a story for you.”
So they followed Tricks below and poured out some rum, very watered down and Tricks told her story. (I will tell it in her words, as I can’t find any corroborating witnesses.)
“I was standing on deck, looking out for sea monsters and invisible islands when out of nowhere…What happened to your mug Brain? You didn’t..? Never mind. Like I was saying there I was with these two huge men, only they were standing on what looked like fish tales. No Opie, mermaids are women, I think I can tell the difference. Oh, mermen then. So these mermen are standing there on their tails mumbling something about how their boss Neptis wants to…Who’s telling this story Opie me or you? Okay so their boss Neptune, I’m sure they said Neptis, wanted to see me. I didn’t think that was such a great idea so I grabbed my sword and prepared to fight. Just wait Brain. I thought of calling for help, but there were only two of them, I didn’t see the other two behind me with the net. Bloody mermen can move quietly on those tail leg things. Maybe we should suggest it to the infiltration guild when we get back. Or maybe your mom, Siege I’m sure they could…Good idea, you write that down Opie. Where was I? Oh yes. The bugger threw the net over me from behind, I mean really, what kind of a fair fight is that. Ha-ha Brain. So I was about to call you guys when one of them stuck a cod in my mouth, I can still taste it. Not pleasant let me tell you. They bundled me up and the next thing I know I’m going over board, right into the water, or should I say right under the water. That was rhetorical Opie. Here’s the weird bit. It’s like I can breathe water, only I’m breathing air. Don’t ask, I don’t know how to explain it. Can I have a refill please, all this talking is making me thirsty. Thanks Siege. Which reminds me, you and I still have to have that talk.”
“So we get to the bottom of the ocean and you will never guess what’s there. Nobody likes a smarty pants Opie. Right so there’s this huge castle and lots more merthings. I’m just taking in the sights when up swims this merman, twice the size of the ones I came with. They all bow to him and then swim off. He pulled the cod out my mouth and unraveled the net, as soon as I was free I punched him in the eye. Have you ever tried to punch someone underwater? Not easy. Although he did have a bit of a shiner when I left. Anyway, he called his friends and they dragged me into the castle. It’s at about this point that I think I’m dreaming. No Brain I didn’t try pinching myself. Up ahead is the door to the castle, one of those big wooden ones, with the iron bar wrapped around it, don’t ask how it doesn’t rust. Anyway I quickly forgot about rust when they opened the door. The castle was filled with air, it was like a, a, well it was like nothing I had ever seen before. The bully merguys chucked me into the castle and said something like if I tried to leave the castle I would drown. Don’t be so facetious Brain. Okay, you know me, I tried to leave, only I couldn’t breathe the water anymore. “
“There I am deep under water standing in a courtyard with flowers and trees and the smells of baking bread. Well obviously someone was going to pay. I mean the nerve of some people. Drag you off a perfectly good ship into what can only be described as a castle at the bottom of the sea. Poseidon who? I thought you said his name was Neptune? Oh he’s got two names. Sometimes I worry about you Opie. Well I didn’t meet either of them. I met someone else. This guy walks into the courtyard, just a regular guy with feet and everything. Let me tell you he took my breath away, one hunk of a gorgeous man. He was only wearing shorts and I can tell you that he must do a lot of working out. Wow. I’m getting a little parched, could you get me another drink please Brain. Thanks. He asked me to join him for lunch. At that moment a whole bunch of mermen pitched with a table full of the most glorious food you have ever seen. So I postponed killing him until after I had eaten. You know, get the lay of the land and such, besides I was starting to get a little sick of pickled stuff. During lunch he rambled on about how great he was and all his accomplishments. I told him it was pretty cool that he could find strawberries this time of year. He said he had a source, so I punched him and asked why the hell he had brought me to his hellhole. So he told me and it took four of his guards to pull me off him. He did a lot of apologizing and sent me back to the ship. The end.”
The others sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then all asked the same question at once, but each in a different way.
“It’s kind of embarrassing.” Tricks replied, “Well, maybe I can tell you if you promise not to laugh.” they all dutifully promised.
“Okay, here goes. It seems that he is the perfect male on the planet, and I am obviously the perfect female. You promised Brain. Better. So he thought that if he made the perfect place for me then maybe we could start producing the perfect children. I mean it Brain, one laugh and you will get to meet him.” Brain couldn’t contain it any more. He jumped up and gave Tricks a big hug.
“Good to have you back Tricks.” he said.
“Something in your eye Brain?” she asked.
“Yeah.” he replied. “Pickle juice.”
“So you’re telling us that this was just some guys way of trying to pick you up?” Opie asked after they had had a chance to settle down. “You didn’t get to meet Neptune? Can you pass me some more of that lovely bread, please?”
“Yes, no and here.” Tricks replied. “I suppose we should be glad I’m so perfect, I mean look at this great feast and he’s having us towed to Crustation Island.”
“Yeah, lucky.” Brain mumbled.
“Oh cheer up Brain. According to Neptis we were way off course. If he hadn’t come along we could well have ended up in the pirate fleet off Marshmid. As it is, it’s going to take all night and tomorrow to get us back on course.”
The next evening they found themselves at a deserted harbor. No ships and no people.
“I think your boyfriend has brought us to the wrong place.” Brain said.
“No, look at the sign, I can read it from here, so you must be able to.”
“Okay so it’s the right place.”
The sign said ‘Welcome to the free port of all Crustation Island.’
“So where are all the people.”
“Maybe that will explain it.” Opie said pointing to a hand written sign. Brain had to strain his eyes, but he could just read it.
“It says ‘Gone warring back in five to ten days’”
“Good then we are just in time.” Tricks said playing with her sword.
“In time for what?” Siege asked
“Going to war of course.” The others looked at Tricks and shook their heads.