Chapter 5
The Kingdom of Lob
The sun rose above the hill and sprinkled its rays down through the sleeping tents. The big board ticked over: 5 days till the battle started. Only the sounds of a great party the night before could be heard. Moans, snoring and people being sick. The party had been rough, more injures had be sustained during it then were expected for the coming war, as was always the case. Captain Felder was walking around looking for members of his crack infiltration squad. Every time he found one he would kick them and tell them to make their way to the wall. They weren't part of the party plans, they were supposed to stay out of it and sneak across the battle field to spy on the enemy, while they were hung over. Like most pre-war parties, this one had a mind of its own. Everyone was hung over, except Captain Felder. He got into a fist fight early in the evening and had been out cold the whole night. When he awoke he decided he would be the first Captain in Lobs history to actually perform an infiltration.
When he arrived at the wall he found seven of his twenty man squad. Hand on his hip he shook his head, the ache on his jaw spurring him to greater things.
"I guess you seven will have to do, ATTENTION." One man fell over, the rest seemed to balance okay on their feet without the wall’s support. "Today we do a great thing for the people of Lob. Our King has entrusted us..." His carefully prepared speech was interrupted by the sounds of vomiting. Undaunted he continued "...to spy on the...Oh to hell with that let’s get over the wall and sneak into Cray. Try not get caught." So over the wall they went. It took them most of the day to sneak into the enemy camp. They had to stop every few steps to have a quick lie down. When they finally arrived at their destination the next party was in full swing. So they joined in. When the war finally started they found themselves fighting for the wrong side, but war was war and they had a jolly good time anyway.
The Hardpassvil Inn
"Finally we are home. It might have taken two thousand years, but the Smiths have the inn back." Derek Smith said to his wife. Two thousand years ago his family had lost the inn to the bank, as no one had ever shown any interest in buying the desolate place it had stood in mothballs all that time. So from generation to generation the story had been told that one day a member of the family had to buy the inn back. Each year the family would slowly pay a small sum of money to the bank. Derek was the last surviving member of the clan and he had just paid the final payment which gave him the deeds back from the bank. He now stood in front of the run down hovel that was the Hardpassvil Inn. He hugged his wife for the twenty fourth time that day.
"Da ya th'nk wez a go ta de plaze?" she asked looking at the Inn that had stood up to two thousand years of blizzards, rain, hail, birds and the occasional sand storm.
"Not to worry in a few months she will be like new." he replied and tried to open the front door. After a few minutes of huffing and puffing they used the back door. It didn't take them long to get into the swing of the moment and soon they were whistling while they cleaned. It was exactly as his great (I'm not sure just how many greats should be in here, but take it from me there are a whole bunch, almost a hundred I would guess.) grandfather had left it. Reception book on the desk, wrapped in oil skins, as his great x 97 grandfather had said, 'Always look after your customers, and keep a good record of them.' Behind the desk in the room pigeon holes was one letter, still waiting to be delivered to the man who was staying in room 21a. The kitchen was filled with rats, but as Mrs. Smith made a mean rat pie that was more of a blessing than a nasty shock.
That night they sat in front of a cozy fire eating rat pie and drinking two thousand year old port. Getting the Inn into a state ready for customers would only take two weeks instead of the months they originally thought. "I'll clean out the rooms tomorrow." Derek said. "Quite a bat haven, so we should make some money from the fertilizer people." His wife nodded. She felt sure that she had married the right man, even though his constant talk about getting the Inn back had seemed a bit annoying in the beginning, in the long run she had caught the bug as well, like all the Mrs. Smiths before her.
"Goo' T'inkin Dear, I a do ta Kitchen on ta moro. En try me bat pie recipe." Content in their new lives they watched the fire crack for a few minutes then christened the Inn.
The Great Desert
Hector Vedor looked at the spear pointed at his head for the tenth time and came to the same conclusion. 'Life was not crossbow darts.' One minute he was about to get his hands on a treasure, the next he was standing in the middle of a desert surrounded by sun burnt soldiers. It hadn't taken them long to tie him up and march him over to General Killem's tent. As there were quite a few people waiting to see the General they had to take a number. They finally got in to see the man.
"Good a deserter.” the general said jumping to the wrong conclusion, as usual. "Let’s string him up and set an example."
"Well sir, general, sir, sir." One of the braver guards said "Sir, he kind of just appeared out of thin air, sir, general, sir."
"What?" The guards had had enough, so they dropped their spears and ran like hell and tried to blend in with the sand. Killem hardy noticed. Hector would have run with them, but he was chained up and only managed to fall on his face.
"Quick, bring this man into my private sanctum; he could be a message from the gods." Very few people know about Killem's fascination with the occult. As a boy he had a vision of ruling Marshmid, but only if he took it over unconventionally. Hence his weird fetish for attacking in a bizarre fashion. "This could be an answer to my question.” he continued. "We must cut him open and read his intestines." Hector didn't think that was such a great idea, he had a feeling that exposing your intestines was probably a: painful, b: gross and c: deadly. So using his deepest voice he said:
"The Gods are unhappy, George." He had overheard the guards calling the general 'Georgey porgy pudding and nuts', so had wrongly assumed that George was the generals name.
"Who?" The general asked. Feeling his life flash before him Hector tried again.
"Georgey porgy pudding and nuts, which is how your men refer to you."
"You mean you’re not here about my new carriages?" Hector thought about that for a few seconds and decided, what the hell, the guy’s nuts and went with the flow, after all having your intestines read wasn't as bad a trying to follow what this General nutter was saying.
"I come about ill-discipline, carriages and many other thing. Your gods have sent me to error the correction of your ways." For all his smart cunning plans, and this piece of inspiration is one of the best, Hector was not a very intelligent man. He had managed to get the general to do almost anything he wanted, (My favorite was having the general dance around like a headless chicken) but all he could think about was how to get the treasure map and exacting his revenge on the three adventurers who had played such an unfair trick on him. He had managed to get all the minor things settled, the men were having a great time flogging each other whenever the General stuck his head out. They had decided on the cerise pink rather than the salmon for the carriage. Marshmid would only fall on a full moon during the day, not for another two months and now it was time for Hector to play his final hand.
"The most important thing that the gods have sent me here for is to retrieve a very valuable map from three very evil people. If you get the map and the people suffer and die in agony, you will be greatly rewarded. The reward would be the heart of your desire." General Killem was almost foaming at the mouth thinking what his heart of desire could be.
"Tell the gods I will do it. How do I find them?"
"I will make you the way, but first I need some more ice water, and put in some whiskey and hold the water."
“Would you like a breath mint with that?”
Somewhere on the sea
"I think it’s that way."
"You think. What the hell happened to 'I could drive this thing blind folded' Brain. I swear you mess up one more time and I'll keel hall you." Tricks was not happy. They had all spen
t the first day being sea sick and with no-one manning the rudder they had drifted out beyond the sight of land. Lushish Linda was a fine pirate ship, dirty, smelly and almost impossible to control. She had three masts and genuine canvas square sails, the rigging normally required forty men who knew their way around a boat and could lift twice their body weight. A couple of land lovers were no match for her and she knew it. The sea was as flat as Queen Gertrude’s chest (You could have a great game of billiards on her chest, if you didn't mind walking around with no head. She'd be game, but King Herald would probably take offence) and still the ship rocked and rolled like it was a force ten hurricane.
Brain turned the wheel, which was large and heavy, to port, (Or to his left and in the completely opposite direction to any ports anywhere.) They were happily steering out into the great unknown ocean. It would have been worse if they had managed to get up a sail, but their first attempt was about a mile behind them, slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Siege and Opie were below deck cataloguing the contents of the hold. It was nicely stocked with good pirate food, so they were looking for something to eat.
"I'm not sure what this stuff is,” Siege said opening a wooden crate, "but we could eat the mushrooms growing on it."
"Sounds good, now all we need is something to go with it. Maybe a chicken pie." They both chuckled and carried on looking. They worked in silence for a few more minutes, until the shouting on deck became unbearable.
"Maybe we should go find out what the noise is all about?" Siege agreed and they made their way onto the deck.
The first thing they saw was Tricks shouting at the main mast, which seemed to be shouting back at her, in Brains voice. They quickly ran over to see what all the swearing was about. Tricks had tied Brain to the mast and he didn't seem too happy about it.
"Is there a problem Tricks?" Opie asked as diplomatically as he could. For an answer Tricks pointed at the wheel, or where the wheel normally was.
"This idiot,” she said pointing at Brain, "thought he could improve on the design."
"I would have if you hadn't interfered." Brain shouted.
"Oh, that's rich, we could have crashed."
"We're in the middle of the ocean. All I was doing was making it easier to turn."
"All you were doing was buggering it up."
"You're a fine one to talk."
"Me! You’re the one who..."
"Me! It was..."
It deteriorated very quickly into the swear fest it had been earlier. Opie had to shout to make them hear him.
"So," He said when he finally got their attention. "Why don't we just put the wheel back on?"
"Why don't you ask her?" Brains pointing at Tricks, not an easy feat when your hands are tied behind your back and you are lashed to a mast, but Opie understood who he meant.
"Tricks?"
"It was an accident, and as much his fault as mine."
"Me? ME? Ha"
"Well if you hadn't been pulling so hard..."
Opie had a sick feeling in his stomach. He knew were this was going.
"You threw the wheel overboard, didn't you?"
Their sheepish looks were all the answer he needed. He shook his head in disgust, he might have even 'tut tutted'. Opie was not known for speaking out or taking charge of a situation, but the situation called for a cool head, and his was the only one available.
"Tricks untie Brain. Brain get below deck and start making a new wheel, I saw some wood down there, Siege show him where it is. While they’re doing that, you and I are going to try put up some sails. After all it could be worse." And then it was. They had been so busy arguing, no one had seen the ship pulling up alongside. The first they knew about it was when an arrow slammed into the mast, closely followed by a catapult ball taking out the forward mast. All thought of steering left their minds as they made a mad dash for their own catapult. Tricks was instantly back in charge.
"Brain, Opie load her up, Siege pull the trigger when I give the word and I'll do the aiming." And so began the shortest battle in pirate history.
"We can't find any stone balls." Brain shouted as another ball went whizzing over the ship.
"Find anything heavy to throw at them." Tricks replied still lining up her shot. Opie said he thought he had seen some stuff down below that could work. They raced down and found some heavy barrels, filled with liquid. It was the only thing they could find that might work. They laboriously rolled it onto deck.
"That might work, what’s in it?" Tricks asked as they placed the barrel on to the catapult.
"It says water." Opie replied, but they were on a pirate ship. "There are about ten more. Come on Brain let’s get some more."
They ran back and rolled another barrel onto the deck. The first thing they noticed was the lack of noise. Then they saw the girls dancing around. Then they noticed the lack of an enemy ship. Opie cleared his throat.
"Um, what happened?" he asked, the other two stopped dancing enough to explain the story, then they all started dancing. It went something like this.
Tricks lined up a shot on their main mask, taking careful aim she told Siege to fire. The barrel soared up into the air and smashed against the mast, inflicting absolutely no damage what so ever. The water from the barrel flowed over the ship, only it wasn't water, it was hundred proof rum. The second it touched an open flame the ship caught fire, as it was a pirate ship, filled with ah, ‘water’ it quickly sunk.
When they finished the little dance of joy they cracked open the barrel and sampled the contents.
The next morning life wasn't quite so rosy. Rum, maybe I should just call it raw alcohol, shouldn't be drunk on an empty stomach. Mushrooms aren't classed as food in my book, especially when they're magic. Suffice is to say they had a rough morning; the only good news was that the ship was starting to take a liking to its new crew. At about lunch time a crate fell over that was filled with pickled things. They ate well, and if they smelt a bit vinegary afterward, no one complained. That afternoon they each continued on the tasks Opie had given them the day before. Brain and Siege were to make a new wheel, while Tricks and Opie tried to set some new sails.
"A standard wheel, Brain." Opie said on his way to collect some canvas. "I don't want to see any improvements. Siege keep an eye on him."
Using a piece of coal and drawing on the side of the ship, Brain drew a perfectly normal wheel.
"Okay Siege, that’s the plan, so let’s find some wood." So they did. The normality of the wheel was eating away at Brain, and he just couldn't live with himself if he didn't add a few great ideas.
"You know Siege, I don't think we have the skill or tools to make an exact replica of a wheel, so we will have to change the design, just a little."
"I don't think Tricks and Opie will like that." She replied a bit skeptically.
"Don't get me wrong, I really what this to work, I just don't think we can do it perfectly. If we just make the wheel square, we could make it a lot quicker." Siege didn't think it was such a good idea, but Brain managed to convince her that it was best for the overall operation. From there it deteriorated into another of Brains great invention. Though he called it a wheel, what he really wanted to call it was 'The Incredible self-steering and easy turning ship driving device', but he kept that to himself, at least until the others told him what a great invention it was. (The really strange thing is, that it actually worked, well the self-steering bit. Although the wheel, 'square', turned on its mounting, it had no link to the rudder, so the ship basically self-steered in whichever way it though it should be going.) After setting it in place Brain started work on a thing that required canvas and long beams, he hadn't figured out what it would be yet, but he was sure it would turn into something fantastic.
Opie and Tricks were having a hard time getting the sail up. They heaved and hoed, tied knots and untied knots and pulled and pushed and swore and cursed. Their basic problem was man power, they only had the equivalent of three and a half people, Tricks being e
quivalent to three and Opie making up the other half. If you know anything about stolen pirate ships (other than the fact that you are in for a really painful time if they ever catch you) you will know that it requires a shanghaied group of about twenty men to raise the sails. (If you didn't know that, take my word for it, I read Short John Lead's book on efficient pirating {I'm happy to report that the nightmares are finally subsiding}). Finally with Siege and Brains help they managed to get the sail half way up. They took a moment out to watch a sunset and then all went to sleep. Nothing happened until just after midnight. (For those of you looking for adventure and dastardly deed feel free to skip the next paragraph, it's a soppy romantic bit that contains blushing, stuttering and giggling. That’s right it’s the blossoming romance between Opie and Siege.)
Opie awoke with a start, it felt like something with many small legs had walked over his forehead. Up to that point the cockroaches had restricted themselves to only eating his jacket. He jumped up and shook. Hundreds of the brown little bugger fell off and went looking for the idiot that had disturbed their meal. (The face walking cockroach, not Opie.) Opie thought he would take a walk to try get over the shivers. When he got on deck he saw he wasn't alone. At the bow of the ship Siege stood looking into the water.
"You look ..." Opie had to rush over and help her back on board.
She had been so surprised; she had slipped overboard, only just managing to grab on at the last second. Not many people are able to sneak up on Siege, especially in the middle of the night miles from anywhere.
"Thanks." she said once she was safely back on board. "I'm not used to being surprised."
"Sorry, I should have thought." Opie blushed. "I was going to say you look beautiful in the moon light." Siege giggled.
"I think that’s the first time a compliment has nearly killed." She blushed, Opie giggle. (She's wrong of course, for example King Clement once complemented a young lady rather luridly and when she slapped him playfully he fell over the battlement and landed in the moot, where he preceded to drown. Luckily a guard was passing and suggested that he stand up, the moot only being three feet deep. Then there was the case of Hannibal the humorless…Lets keep that for another time and get back to the romantic bit.)
“It’s on nights like this that I sometimes wish I didn’t spend all my time underground reading scrolls.” Opie said looking out across the moonlight sea. He turned and looked into Siege’s eyes, they both blushed, but didn’t break eye contact. They stepped closer together, it was the perfect moment for a kiss. In fact it was such a perfect moment anything could have happened. (Knowing this story so far, you are probably expecting something really bazaar. Sea monsters, the unexpected arrive of Tricks or a myriad of other unlikely things. What actually happened is strange beyond belief. {I myself didn’t believe it, so I rechecked my sources, but I can assure you it’s true.}) They kissed. One of those long time pining kisses. Earth moving, firework kisses. The best five seconds of their lives. On parting they both sighed and then gave it another go, this one lasted longer. After some more kissing they sat down and Opie showed her some of his favorite constellations.
“It’s a little tricky finding them without the line joining them up.” he said battling to point out Seth the Slippery Sea Serpent. He was more use to seeing the book versions, which had the pictures already drawn in.
“I’m just happy to be with you.” Siege said, snuggling more into his shoulder. And that’s how Brain found them in the morning.
“Wake up sleepy heads.” Brain said gently kicking Opie in the kidneys. “I see someone’s been getting some.”
“Piss off Brain, and nobodies been getting anything.” Opie replied starting to rise. (Okay hold onto your hats this is the bazaar bit. {if you skipped the romantic bit I mentioned that something bazaar would happen or did happen or something…just go read the paragraph you lazy git.}) “How about minding your own business.” he continued untangling himself from Siege. “And leave Siege and me alone.”
“What?” Brain replied
“Huh?” Opie cunningly countered.
“Pardon?” Brain retorted.
“I said ‘Leave Siege and me alone’”
“Why?”
“Because it none of your business.”
“What?”
“You know?” Opie was starting to feel a little exacerbated, people weren’t supposed to be so bugging after you told them to mind their own business. “Siege and me.”
“What about Siege and you?” Brain asked, confusion playing drums across his face.
“You know?”
“Um, not really.”
“There’s just no talking to you, Brain.” With that Opie stormed off. Brain muttered something about people shouldn’t drink pirate water so early in the morning and walked off to play with his ‘wheel’. (You might be a bit confused by the previous conversation, well those of you that scored below 40 on the paying attention to detail score sheet. After a night of kissing and cuddling, it seems that Opie’s 'reality field' had included Siege, while they lay arm in arm. So when Brain came out he saw the two of them together, but when Opie stood up she sort of disappeared as only she can. Hence the confusion. {Makes you wonder what would happen if they did get it on, well it makes me wonder, perhaps we will find out before this tale ends}) Tricks knew nothing about this when she arrived on deck, so was quite surprised when Opie barged past her.
“I beg your pardon.” she said sarcastically.
“Leave me alone.” he replied and disappeared into the hold. Tricks wondered what was eating him for about a second, and then noticed that Brain was at the helm.
“Oh no you don’t.” she said and started making her way towards Brain. “What do you think you are doing?” she asked him.
“Just steering, you know checking out how great the new wheel is.”
“Don’t you mean Square!” she chuckled. Brain rolled his eyes.
“Some people have no clue, talking of no clue. Have you seen Opie this morning?” Brain asked, spinning the wheel with one finger, hoping that Tricks would notice, but she told him about her weird encounter with Opie instead.
“Yeah. I had the same thing this morning.”
“Why don’t you two leave him alone.” And Siege stormed off.
“I swear Brain those two have gone completely nuts.”
“Tell me about it. Anyway, I think I have the hang of all this sailing stuff.” When Tricks finished laughing, she asked him if he could explain just how he had come to that conclusion. The more he tried to explain the harder she laughed, until he to stormed off. She mentioned something about the stability of her friends and had a go at the wheel. She was happily surprised by how easy it was to steer.
“Good job Brain.” she said very, very quietly. It wasn’t until lunchtime that everyone had returned to their normal selves. Their lunch consisted of pickled fish and blue cheese. The cheese might have been a jug of milk that had been left out for many years.
“Brain, Tricks. Siege and I have been talking, and, well, we have decided that we should tell you that we are, um, have decided that, um we are going to, that is to say, are…”
“Spit it out Opie. We haven’t got all day.” Tricks said
“Well technically we have, got all day that is.”
“Don’t be a smart ass Brain.”
“Well you started it with you incorrect information.”
“It’s a saying.”
“Please I’m trying to tell you that Siege and I are a couple.” Opie said and then blushed, so did Siege, but the other two didn’t notice.
“Let him take his time.” Brain said. “For all we know it might…What did you say?” He asked turning back towards Opie.
“I said we’re a couple.”
“A couple of what?”
“Just a couple, you know dating. Something you and Brain should do.”
It was Tricks and Brains turn to blush. The ship took this opportunity to crash
into something. They all lurched. Tricks and Brain onto their backs and Opie and Siege face first into the picked fish and cheese. There was a moments silence and then someone said something that would have made a pirate blush. Another moment of silence and the four of them rushed onto the deck.
“I told you someone should stand guard.” Tricks said. “But no, you know best.”
“No point beating a dead horse.” Opie said.
“I take offence to being called a dead horse. Besides I could see nothing for miles.” Brain said. “So obviously we hit something invisible, and it wouldn’t have mattered if we had…Good God will you look at that. Do you think it’s friendly?”
“With those teeth? I don’t think so.” Tricks replied, whipping out her sword. The others whipped out nothing, they had left their weapons below.
“Let’s not jump to conclusions.” Siege said taking a step forward.
“Were should we jump?” asked Brain. This was followed by a deep rumble of laughter.
“I LIKE THAT LITTLE FELLOW.” a booming deep voice said.
“YOU WOULD.” replied another booming voice from the front of the ship. “AFTER ALL HE’S NOT STUCK IN YOUR BACK.” the voice from the front continued.
“HOLD ON A SEC WHILE I PULL HIM OUT.” Voice number one said and then proceeded to remove the ship, ever so gently from voice number two. “THERE YOU ARE, AND HARDLY A SCRATCH. HOW DO YOU DO LITTLE ONE?” he said to the ship. “I’M MANEY AND THE GUY YOU CRASHED INTO IS HEWY.”
“Hi.” shouted Brain. “I’m Brain, this is Opie and Tricks, and the one you can’t see is Siege.”
“OH.” Maney said. “AND YOU ALL LIVE IN THAT ONE BODY.”
“Well, in a way, sort of. I’m going to go with a yes, at the moment. What do you eat, if you don’t mind me asking?” Brain asked.
“Quiet Brain,” Siege said softly. “We don’t want to upset them.”
“ANYTHING REALLY.” Maney answered “I’M