“Look Tricks.” Siege said. “That’s Opie and Brain standing in front of the blue team.” They were both sitting in the green section. Someone had been thoughtful enough to supply them with green pullovers.
“Looks like they have already seen some action.” Tricks replied, not really able to distinguish, who was who from this distance, but she could clearly see the red liquid dripping off their swords.
“Oh no.” she said as the two formations charged. “They’re all going to die.”
“That’s what happens if you choose the wrong team.” the king said.
Siege was silent. She watched in horror as the men stumbled and weaved their way closer together.
“I’m sure they will be fine.” Tricks said as the two groups clashed. “I trained Brain after all.”
The first clash was a bit of an anti-climax. Swords swung and missed, or didn’t swing at all, the walking pace of the clashing men hardly counted as a charge. Eventually it was a nice mix of men, where if you swung your sword you were bound to hit someone.
“Looks like Opie and Brain are in the middle.” Siege said.
“They are?” Tricks replied squinting, “Hard to tell.”
“Oh no.” Siege said sinking into her chair, that some fat guy kept trying to take, then having to mumble an apology. “Opie’s been hit. He’s bleeding badly. I’ve never seen so much blood.” the king chuckled.
“Watch this.” he said. A man in a yellow coat ran up to Opie, looked him over and then pulled out a blue card. He held the card high into the air. The cheer from the blue benches was only just louder than the boo’s from the green benches. The ref put the blue card away took out a yellow one and tied Opie’s arm to his side.
“Damn.” the King said. “That was a mortal blow if ever I saw one.”
He stood up and called over one of the young girls standing in front of his box. “Get the cheer leading squad in gear, we need more noise.”
“Yes, sir.” she replied. “Come on girls we have work to do. “ She shouted. “I want this crowed whipped into a frenzy.” And they ran off waving their pom-poms.
“Uh. What just happened?” Tricks asked.
“We lost the killer blow.” the King replied.
“Huh?” Tricks and Siege ask simultaneously.
“You’re new here, so let me explain.” he said as a green card was raised. “Damn looks like we going to lose one. Anyway, when we first started fighting against each other it was a very bloody affair. The problem was that we lost too many men and harvesting of our lifeblood, the beautiful crayfish, dropped dangerously low. My ancestors tried to ban the fighting, but after the first few coup attempts we had to bring back the wars. This was the only way we could think of to do it. It looks good, and very few people get killed.”
“What exactly is going on?” a very puzzled Tricks asked.
Her eye sight was not the best, but what she could see was lots of blood and men lying on the floor writhing in agony.
“I’ll explain the rules, maybe that will help. Damn another red card. More noise girl.” he continued after sitting down. “We have wooden swords covered in sponge. The participants dip the swords in red paint and then try to whack an opponent with it. The guys in yellow are the refs. If they hold up a red card it means you are dead and must fall to the ground and take no more part in the battle. However if he holds up a green card it means the injury is severe, but if we cheer loud enough he could get a reprieve and merely loses a limb. If he holds up a blue then we must boo.”
“That sounds like fun. Can I have a go?”
“I insist.” the king replied. “I was merely saving you from the first wave. Letting your hangover subside a…”
“I don’t get hung over.” she replied sharply.
“Of course not.” the king replied very diplomatically. “Feel free to join in.”
“Well maybe a bit more breakfast before I go.”
“Of course.”
Opie and Brain
It was getting into late afternoon. Opie and Brain had paused for lunch and an afternoon nap. They had spent the morning having a fantastic time. Opie still had his arm tied up, the surgeon said it wouldn’t be able to be repaired before the end of the battle, but he was able to walk on both legs again. Brain still had the patch over his eye, but he could use his right hand again.
“Aren’t you glad I signed us up?” Brain asked Opie for the seventh time that day.
“Yes Brain.” he replied again. “I must admit it is great fun, if only all wars were like this. I think I would become a professional soldier.”
“Yeah, me to. You know, you surprised me out there today. I didn’t think you were such a good fighter.”
“Thanks Brain.” Opie replied. “You’re no slouch either.”
“Thanks. Come on finish your beer. I want to be part of the final charge.”
“Yeah let’s go finish off the greens.” and then he burst into song. “Oh lob the great, lob on my plate. Kill all the Crays and never be late.”
The other recovering soldiers joined him and prepared for the final conflict.
The final clash turned into the greatest battle of all time. The sun was just hitting the horizon and people were lighting the torches. It looked for the first time that there might be a conclusion to the war. Three figures stood in the gloom, two in blue and one in green. The foes stood panting, facing each other.
“Brain, Opie, it’s good to see you guys again.” Tricks said. “Pity I’m going to have to kill you.”
“Nice try Tricks.” Brain replied. “Opie you take the left, I’ll take the right. If we co-ordinate we should be able to take her.”
“Not likely guys.” she said following Brains movements, just as he had hoped. He made a halfhearted lunge, which she blocked easily. “You’re going to have to do better than that if you want to get me.”
“Something you don’t know yet Tricks.” Brain said continuing to move around her.
“What’s that?”
“Opie wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t very good with a sword.”
The ploy worked, Tricks swung around in Opie’s direction. Brain lunged with the killer blow. (I might have mentioned that Tricks was the greatest fighter in the land, but it goes further than that. She is without doubt the greatest fighter of all time. So there has been a bit of speculation about what happened next. This is as good as I can get it.) Tricks used some sort of backhand, over the shoulder blocking technique, which defies logic and the laws of physics, stopping Brain’s killer blow. She quickly and as casually as you like chopped Opie’s head off and then split him in half. She waited for the red card with her back to Brain, when she got it, she turned to Brain and said:
“Next idea Brain.” He just stood there looking at his pal lying on the floor writhing in agony.
“No more tricks Tricks. Did you have to split him down the middle from the balls up.”
“I’m okay.” Opie squeaked.
“Don’t worry pal I’ll get her back for you.” he said circling around Tricks. She just laughed and stood her ground. Then something odd occurred to Brain.
“How come you don’t have any red paint on you Tricks?” (She didn’t even have paint speckles on her.)
“I’m that good Brain.”
“Oh cobbles!” (He probably said something much worse, but cobbles pretty much covers it.)
The sun slipped below the horizon as Brain made his lunge. Tricks was about to move out of the way, when the trumpets bleared. Everyone in the grand stands stood up and cheered. Before the two combatants could do any damage to each other, (What I really mean is before Tricks could paint Brain red.) a ref jumped between them and declared the war over and a draw. Then the crowds arrived. Tricks and Brain were hoisted onto shoulders and carried off to their respective teams. Siege helped Opie limp off the battlefield.
“If she’s prevented you from having children I’ll kill you. What were you thinking, going into battle like t
hat, you nearly gave me a heart attack.”
“You want to have children with me?”
“Well you know, someday.” They both blushed, and then Siege became a lot more visible.
It came as no surprise that Tricks and Brain were treated very well at their respective parties. I think Brain was treated a little bit better, in the beginning, than Tricks was. He did stand up to Tricks in one on one combat and survived. The fact that she didn’t get a chance to hurt him didn’t seem to faze the revelers in Lob. Let’s catch up with him first. Before we do that lets find out where Opie and Siege are. Looks like a barn, with hay, oh dear, let’s move along swiftly to Brain this is PG rated after all.