Brain
“…In conclusion.” A loud roar came from the crowd as King Lob said these words. He had been going on a bit, he had spent the first half hour praising his generals, the next half hour praising himself, and now only was he moving onto Brain.
“It is with great pleasure that I give you the man of the hour. Not much is known of this great man from across the sea, not much until today that is.”
He paused for a sip of wine. He knew he had the people on the edge of their seats. He had paid a lot for the information he now had in his possession. Four scribes and a librarian were not happy to part with the information they were going to sell during the banquet. The king was rich, and he had made a deal to punt their new book during his speech, ‘Our hero: The Brain O'Shaunase story.’
He put his glass down and continued. “We all know that he is a great fighter. He stood and stared into the jaws of defeat.”
He was having trouble reading the pages in front of him, so he had to keep lifting his glasses to his eyes.
“We all know Tricks from the pages of Country Life Celebs. We have followed her adventures in this most informed scroll. (He was probably getting a bit of a kick back from CFC.) From what I’ve read few survived an encounter with that master of the sword. That was until today. This great day.” He waited for the clapping to stop before continuing. “Brain O'Shaunase is not like other men. Oh no. He has invented great time saving devices. I hear that the King of Clemville has dedicated a whole wing of his castle to this great man. But you can read more about that in a new book by Scrolls McNally, on sale here tonight. I have come to praise this great man tonight for what he did for our pride. In my letter to Cray tomorrow I will state that we in fact won.”
He waited for the cheering and cries of a rematch to subside.
“Before the end of the days fight we had two men left on the field, while they only had one. Ladies and gentlemen without further ado, I give you the great, the intelligent, the good looking and all-round great guy,” He didn’t bother reading the last bit with his glasses, the moment was too dramatic. “Do try his energy drinks (I think that read ‘Don’t try his energy drinks.) Mr Brain O'Shaunase.”
The crowd went wild. Brain appeared shaking hands and kissing girls. He stood on the table grinning like a sailor in a convent. He stood there while the cries of we love you slowly turned into the chant of ‘Speech, speech, speech.’ (I have never quite understood that. You have just had an hour of boring speeches, so you ask for some more? Or worse yet, you take this guy who has been fighting for you all day, with no break to write a speech and demand he talk to you. Maybe it’s just me, but I think that’s unfair, especially when he’s a birthday boy, who just wants to sit in the Swill and Donkey and get blind drunk, I hope you’re reading this Doug and Sean and all my other friends at the Swill.) He held up his hand and waited for the crowd to grow quiet.
“Thank you,” Brain said. “I could hardly top the speech by your king, so I will only say one thing.”
The crowd cheered, some of them shouting that he should be the new king. When they fell silent again he started singing ‘Lob the great.’ Everyone stood and sang. (Brain may not have a way with words, in fact he invariably says the wrong thing at the wrong time, but this night he could do no wrong, that was until the incident with the…let’s leave that till after his triumphant feast.)
He sat on the kings right and ate two whole lobsters smothered in garlic butter, it was very messy, so we will go see how Tricks was making out on the other side of the kingdom. Before we do though, we will quickly stop by a certain barn, no they’re still in it, but now I can hear moaning, so swiftly moving on.
Tricks
Her reception was even more tempestuous than Brains. Everyone knew who she was and of her reputation. The cheering and speeches were all behind them, she now sat next to the king, eating her crayfish.
“Tricks if you could have just brained Brain before the sunset we could have finally won, I mean really won, no doubt about it.” King Cray said.
“Sorry,” Tricks replied. “If you had told me the rules a little more thoroughly I would have.” She licked her fingers and took a sip of the best selling beer in the kingdom of Cray, ‘Tricks’ pride.’
“I didn’t think it would get so close, we normally have two or three hundred men still on the field when the sun goes down. But you really decimated the opposition.”
Tricks smiled, she didn’t want to say that she had decimated quite a few friendlies as well. Or what Sergeant Loude would call ‘Friendly fire’, but would want to say ‘bloody idiot that’s your own team’.
“I tried my best.” she said instead. “That was great fun, how often do you do it?”
“Not as often as the people like.” he replied. “The problem is my brother and I really get along.”
“What’s your brother got to do with it?” she asked.
“I keep forgetting that you’re new here. My brother King Lob.”
“I’m a little confused. Maybe it’s this great beer, but how does it work that you and your brother are able to rule two separate kingdoms. Surely your children will inherit your throne and his, his. If that makes any sense?”
“Yes and no. It’s a bit confusing to an outsider, but we both have the same wife.”
“I’m sure that must cause a few problems.” she said trying to picture this poor women having to put up with not one, but two egotistical kings.
“Not really.” he said straight-faced. “We both only get to sleep with her once, and then a wizard takes care of the rest.”
“Oh.” Tricks said sceptically, she knew just how the wizard was going to take care of the rest.
“He’s a eunuch.” the king said quickly, hearing the scepticism in Tricks voice. “I don’t know how it works, but she always produces identical twins with a birth mark on their stomachs.”
He raised his shirt and showed Tricks his birthmark; it was a perfect little Crayfish.
“Wow, that’s some neat trick.”
“Yeah, and it works out great, after we have done our duty to the wife we are free to fool around with whoever we like.”
“Don’t even think about it.” she said, picking up on his vibe.
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” he replied very quickly, he might be a King, but if King Clement was scared of her then he was doubly so.
“What I was going to ask was if you could come back, next time we have a war, we could really use your help again.”
“I would love to. Send word to the Swill and Donkey in Clemville and I’ll be here as fast as I can.”
“Thank you, oh will you excuse me, it looks like my servant is calling me. Always some problem or other after a war. Yes James.”
James came scurrying to his side.
“Sorry to interrupt you my liege.” he said very formally, “But we just received word that no ships are available to transport the stock to the mainland.”
“What? How long will the ice last?”
“A few days at most.”
“This is serious, go see if my brother is having the same problem. I would hate to have to share transport with him.”
“Yes my lord.”
With that the small man scampered away.
“Sorry Tricks, it seems there is a shortage of ships. Indecently, how did you get here?”
“Oh um.” she said profoundly. “We borrowed a pirate ship.”
“I don’t suppose we could borrow it for a few days?”
“Yes of course, but we’re going to Nad, if you could help us get there?”
She let the question hang in the air
“No problem.” he promptly replied, kind of wishing that he hadn’t. The crossing to Nad was almost impossible without a dragon.
Brain
(No we are not going anywhere near that damn barn) Brain had just lent the ship to King Lob. It could have been the shortest peace in Crustation’s history, but commerce comes first. The statistician that calculates t
hese things determined that it is only possible to have a war every six months to a year. Any shorter and you run the risk of losing production, any longer and you will have a revolt on your hands. He first decided that you could have a war every weekend, if you didn’t have such a big party, but nobody went for that. Then he tried setting it up every nine months, but it turned out the women were too busy having babies to turn up and cheer there men on. So the statistician tore up his scrolls and moved to a nice little house by the sea in the City With No Name.
“Tell me Brain,” King Lob asked. “What are you going to do in Nad?”
“I haven’t the faintest idea.” Brain said very truthfully.
He was trying very hard to remember what he was doing at this banquet. It didn’t look like the Swill and Donkey, and everyone seemed to like him. They kept putting drinks in his hand and toasting his health. Then there were all the pretty girls that kept kissing him. He first thought that it must be a dream, but when he pinched himself it hurt, that was not conclusive, because he had tried it when he was asleep and it had hurt then too, or maybe he had just dreamt it or maybe he was a little butterfly flying around the flowers and he had had a dream that he was a man who pinched himself. It was all very confusing so he decided to go with the whole butterfly thing. But it hurt worse than pinching every time he flew off the table. So he decided to pretend to be a man, and hid his wings, which was hard as people stood all around him.
“Are you alright Brain?” someone said to the little butterfly, who was scared that if it talked then everyone would know it was a butterfly and they would feed it to the chameleon that sat next to him with its big crown and hungry eyes. So he just nodded.
“Maybe you should eat something.” the chameleon said.
He thought that it was a bit strange that the chameleon was being nice, but he licked the honey anyway, then he realized that the chameleon was just fattening him up. So he ran outside. At these banquets the guest of honour is not allowed to escape. A couple of guards dragged him in and fed him hot coffee, until he stopped complaining that they were breaking his wings.
“Probably the combination of the days combat, too much alcohol and not enough food.” the guard said depositing Brain back on his chair.
He turned to the other guard and said in a very quiet whisper. “He’s right, the king does look a bit like a chameleon.”
They both chuckled as they walked away.
“Sorry about that your Highne…your majest…your Kingenessly guy.” Brain said, trying to get the words to fit.
“Please Brain call me by my first name.”
“Thanks, um…what is your name?”
“King.”
“Really?”
“Yes, my full name is King Lob Crustation the forty third.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No.”
”Okay, King. What I was trying to say was…No I’ve forgotten, sorry…oh yes. Probably something I ate on the ship.”
Then he got excited.
“I know what will sort me out. I made some energy drinks on the ship, they should be in my bag.”
Then his excitement dried up.
“I put it down last night in the beer tent. It’s probably long gone by now.”
“Well if you left it there it’s probably in the lost and found.”
“You mean someone wouldn’t nick it.”
“Nick who?”
“You know, steal it.”
“Not on this island.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll send someone to find it for you.”
It didn’t take long. Before Brain could eat another lobster, his bag was in front of him. He opened it up and took out the two jars that contained his precious energy drinks. He popped the cork and was about to take a sip…
“Mind if I try a little?” the King asked, so Brain handed him the jar and opened the other one.
“Mind if I try some?” a man to his right asked, and so began the great poisoning of Lob. (I don’t know why, but when you taste something really vile you have to share it with all you friends. Maybe it’s so you can talk about the experience afterwards. Who knows?)
Somehow Brain managed not to have a single sip, like always. (I actually don’t think Brain has ever tried his energy drinks.) He also managed to time the vomit reaction to hold off till everyone in the hall had taken a sip. Luckily he managed to find asylum in the kingdom of Cray, which almost started another war. (I don’t know why people let Brain go anywhere, oh yes, to get him out of their place.)
The Barn
It has to be done. (This is a bit of a delicate moment, so please try to be quiet.) We have to go back in time little for this, because at the moment they are both asleep, and Opie snores.
“Let’s just try and get some sleep.” Siege said, “I’m sure it happens all the time, especially if you get hit there.”
“I swear it’s never happened before.” Opie replied.
“You mean there was a before?” Siege asked in a huff.
“No. I mean, you know, when…” Big blush. “When I’m alone in the library looking at pictures and stuff.”
“What?”
“You know.”
“No idea.” Siege said, meaning it.
“You know, when I…” Deep breath. “When I play with…oh god, I can’t explain it.”
“You mean masturbate?” she asked with a straight face.
Her mother had told her all about masturbation and how natural and fun it could be. Opie on the other hand (No pun intended.) had read too many old books that talked about going blind, growing hair in weird places and other such things.
“Yes.” he managed to force out.
“Oh, that’s okay then.” she said, “As long as there weren’t any other girls.”
“No. I promise, I’ve lived too long in the library to even meet other girls, let alone you know.”
“Let’s try getting some sleep, who knows what Tricks and Brain have in store for tomorrow.” (We know, the crossing to Nad. What about the moaning you might ask? Well that was just before this scene started and it involved Siege trying what her mother said was natural and fun on Opie. He was moaning in pain.)