The Great Spa and Gangster Hide Out
Sal stormed out of the meeting. He was furious.
“How dare those ingrates ban me from the council of families.”
“They are afraid Capo.” Nino his second in command said. “They don’t have the balls to stand up to Tricks like you do.” Sal winced at the expression. He was starting to think he might have made a mistake.
“No.” he said aloud. “I’m Sal Ca’pin and no one gets one over on me.” Then he wished he could bring No Face back to life so he could kill him with his bare hands. “Burn No Face’s body and flush the ashes.”
“Yes sir.” Nino said finally having a task.
“Then personally go kill the owner of this dump.” Monsieur DeBackrub had made a fatal mistake in choosing Tricks to send to No Face. Luckily for him it was fatal for his mother-in-law, she was still the owner, and Nino always followed orders to the letter. Nino ran off so Sal called over one of the goons.
“What’s your name son?” He asked putting his arm around the lad.
“Nino sir.” Frank replied.
“Very convenient.” Sal replied. The goons had been told by Nino, the real one, that if Sal asked their name they must reply that it was Nino, as Sal quite often forgot things and they didn’t want to embarrass him. “Nino I want you to get all the men together and I mean all of them. They must meet me in the piazza (Another feature to make the mobsters feel at home.) half an hour from now.” The lad ran off, spreading the word. Sal found himself another Nino, this one to wash his back. The cold sweat he was having since Tricks’ threat was not mixing well with his general sweat. It was like they were having a turf war on his back.
He called his men to order, well he whispered in Nino’s ear and Nino called the men to order.
“At first light tomorrow we are going after Bobby No Face’s murderer. She is the one and only Tricks, but don’t be afraid.” He wished he hadn’t said her name. Even though they all knew they would be hunting her, the men looked very afraid when he said her name. “We will never get close enough to her for her to use her weapons. Each of you has been issued with a crossbow and many bolts, use them wisely.” He paused so the men could check their crossbows. “Good. There are over a hundred of you so I think it is safe to say I will have her head stuffed and mounted on my wall by sunset tomorrow.” The crowd looked at him, so he added the piece de résistance. “Ten thousand gold coins to the one who brings me her head.” It was enough money to buy half a kingdom, yet the cheer from the crowd was very lack lustre. Sal shrugged his shoulders. “If you don’t come back with her head I will find you and spend a long painful time killing you. Capesh? Now go to bed and get some sleep.” The men wondered off. Sal turned to Nino. “Good luck tomorrow Nino. When you’ve finished, come back to Clemville, I’ll be sleeping there tonight.” The sounds of a dragon were just audible in the distance.
The road between Barock and Hardpassvil
“You idiot.” Chef said. “Why didn’t you do as we planned?”
“We thought…” Four (The only escapee from the numbers gang massacre) tried, but Chef cut him off.
“There’s your problem, none of you were capable of thinking.” Chef rubbed his head. “I’m sick of working for someone else, that was my big break and you screwed it up.” Four wasn’t happy with the way Chef was treating him. He had spent the last two days lost in the desert, no water and no food. His camel had died and he had to walk the whole of the third day. He stumbled into town and, although they were looking for him, he was in such a state that no one recognized him. He went straight to Chef who sent him to a hiding place up the road.
“You didn’t get the map and you left witnesses.” Chef continued. “They’ll string you up and me if they catch us together. I think it’s best if you lay low. Here take this money and go stay at the Hardpassvil inn. At least you can still be useful.”
“How?” the big man asked.
“Steal Mrs Smith’s famous rat pie recipe. This should be enough money to keep you there all winter.” Chef looked around again, but no one was around. “Just make yourself scarce on Sundays.”
“Yes Chef.” Four walked off. Chef hoped that the bumbling oaf would be able to get the recipe, and then he could open his own restaurant in some big city like Clemville. He walked home to prepare evening meal with visions of serving kings and queens.
Somewhere in the Horn mountains
Rock studied his sleeping friend. He so badly wanted to tell him the truth, but a promise is a promise and only the person with the password would get past him. He had stood guard at the cave entrance for thousands of years and no one had come to claim what he guarded. He looked out at the blizzard and knew that no one would come this year.
He spotted a rat and shook himself. A rock dislodged from the cave roof and landed on the rat.
“Wake up.” he shouted at Greg. “Dinners ready.” Greg ate the rat and went back into hibernation. Rock hated winter, not that he felt the cold, it was the loneliness that always got to him. Nobody dared cross the pass in winter and Large Greg Copper spent all his time sleeping. Rock loved the spring. That was when the loonies came out. They would come into the cave and talk to Greg. Greg would tell them wise things. Off course the people thought it was quite natural for a ‘Wise man’ to talk to a rock. Some of them even pretended to hear the wise answers Greg would get from the rock, but none of them could really hear him. You had to truly be mad to hear Rock, and most of the loonies were just people looking for love, only they didn’t know it.
“We help a lot of people don’t we Greg.” Rock said, Greg answered with his usual snore. Rock smiled and waited patiently for the next rat to appear.
The Great Desert
“What do you mean we’re lost?” Tricks said. “You have the map, what more do you want?”
“It doesn’t help.” Brain said, starting to get annoyed. They had been walking all night, the sun had risen a few hours earlier and the landscape around them didn’t match what the map said it should. They had decided to use the time they had been granted by Sal Ca’pin to go as far as they could. When Tricks told them of the ‘favour’ she had gotten out of him, the others weren’t happy, but as Siege explained, it was better than nothing. They knew that Sal would have men watching which direction they had gone in, so they had pretended to head for Clemville, in almost the exact opposite direction. The idea was that they would walk under cover of darkness in that direction for half the night, turn ninety degrees at midnight and then at daybreak start heading in the right direction. They had carried out the plan, only to find themselves at an oasis that wasn’t marked on the map. Well it might have been, but according to Brain it wasn’t. Of the five oasis marked on the map they had seen two, and the other three were very close to the Great Plains.
“Let me have a look.” Opie said, taking the map from Brain. He looked at it, turned it around, looked at where the sun was and folded up the map.
“He’s right.” Opie said. “We’re lost.”
“I suppose we should spend the rest of the day at this oasis, wait for the sun to go down.” Tricks said dumping her bags on the ground. “I’m off for a swim.”
“What about the mob?” Opie asked.
“Well if we can’t find where we are, how are they?” Brain replied following Tricks’ lead.
“True.” They spent the rest of the morning wallowing in the shallow water. They had enough supplies for a couple of days, so they ate well. They decided to have and afternoon snooze in the shade of the trees, taking turns standing on guard. At nightfall they refilled their water bottles and headed out, in what they hoped was the right direction. The sand slowly gave way to a rockier desert, with a few plants. The plants became more frequent, which they took as a sign they were heading in the right direction. The only problem was that they were hard to see at night and full of thorns.
“Stop wriggling.” Tricks said to Brain. “If you move too much I might end up cutting you and not the plant.”
“Be careful, these bloody things hurt.” Brain responded, trying in vain to pull himself out. Luckily the moons had returned and Tricks was able to see what she was doing. As Brain was nearly completely night blind this was his third trip into a thorn bush.
“Don’t take anything from this,” Tricks said, “but hold my hand and I’ll lead you.”
“Thanks Tricks.” Brain said, pulling out a few thorns that had broken off in his leg. It was starting to itch, but every time he scratched it hurt. He was not a happy trekker.
The sun rose over the scrubland. As far as they could see it was the same. Rocks, sands, thorn bushes and sheep. Sheep?
“What the hell are sheep doing here?” Brain wondered aloud, hoping the others could also see them. “Or are those things just white bushes?”
“No.” replied Tricks. “They look like genuine sheep to me.”
“I wonder what they’re doing out here?” Opie said, he was about to wonder what they eat, when one took a bite out of a thorn bush.
“You would think they would get tangled up in those things.” Brain said, knowing full well how tangled up in a thorn bush a person could get, without a woolly jacket.
“Who cares?” Tricks said, “looks like mutton for breakfast. Pass me a crossbow.” Tricks went off to stalk one of the fluffy white things. It seemed that the sheep had never been hunted, and virtually came to her. This should have been a clue as to what was about to follow, but as our four clueless adventures didn’t have a clue they had roast mutton for breakfast, well brunch. It was quite late when they had a decent fire going.
“Nothing like fresh mutton to warm the heart.” Brain said. The others looked at him wondering what he meant. They were sitting in the middle of a baking hot scrubland with no shade and he thought it was the fresh mutton warming him.
“I wonder what happened to the mob?” Siege asked.
“Probably half way to Clemville by now.” Tricks replied. She didn’t know they had hired a tracker, and were hot on their tail.
“You’re probably right.” Opie said. “But we can’t stay here long.” He was starting to feel the heat. “Let’s go find some shade.” The others looked around, but no one saw anything resembling shade. They saw something else.
“It’s the mob.” Brain shouted. “Run for your lives.”
“It’s not the mob.” Tricks said, slowly drawing out her sword. “It’s just some funny little brown people with sticks.”
“I have a bad feeling we just ate their sheep.” Opie said.
“Yeah.” replied Brain. “It’s not sitting well in my stomach either.”
“Well we can’t sit around all day playing with the natives.” Tricks said and started to walk forward. The natives clustered around her and made threatening motions with the sharpened sticks. One of them poked her, when she took another step, so she punched him on the nose. “Out of my way.” she said showing her fists. “Do you know who I am?” They seemed to part, but were shaking their heads, and trying to hold the others back.
“I’m with her.” Brain said pointing at Tricks. He turned to Opie. “Do you think we’ve stumbled into the Great Desert mental asylum?”
“No, I think they’re just pissed because we ate their sheep.”
“Is that all, Siege give them some money.” She tried, but they just shook their heads. They pointed their sticks at Tricks and then tried to block the others.
“Stop encouraging them.” Tricks said from up front. “Just push the sticks out of…” She didn’t finish her sentence. In front of her was the biggest snake she had ever seen. Its back was camouflaged to the colour of the land, but it was rearing up so they could see it’s under belly. It was a dark purple, the colour shifted in the light. Tricks stood rooted to the spot. The snake’s long fangs were dripping a green liquid that she could only assume was poison. Its head was big enough to swallow Tricks whole. The natives behind her instantly threw their sticks to the ground, got on their hands and knees and bowed to the creature. Tricks didn’t see this, her eyes were locked with the creature.
“Be careful.” Brain whispered unnecessarily. “They only see movement.” he made up. “Try backing away slowly.”
“Which is it Brain?” Tricks asked. “They see movement or should I back away.” Apparently she should have tried the backing away. The snake took this opportunity to strike. The snake was like lightning, but a month and a half too slow for Tricks. He crashed face first into the sand and broke one of his fangs. While he was still down Tricks kicked him very hard in the head. He stopped wriggling.
“Quick Tricks.” Brain said, not rushing forward. “Chop its head off.”
“Why?” Tricks asked, looking at the unconscious beast.
“Because it’s going to wake up and eat us.” he tried again.
“No it won’t.” she said. “Not now that it knows who it’s dealing with. Besides, it would be bad karma.”
“You and your karma.” Brain said shaking his head, but still making no move towards the snake. The snake started to revive. Opie, Siege and Brain took a step back, tripping over the natives that had prostrated themselves in front of the snake.
“Listen very carefully.” she said standing in front of the snake again. “If you try to attack me again I’m going to kick you hard.”
“Ssorry.” the Snake said. “I thought you were the virgin sacrifice.”
“Tricks a virgin?” Brain thought that was very funny, until the snake looked at him. The snake looked back at Tricks.
“Not the Tricks?” the snake asked.
“One and the same.” she replied. “So what are you doing out in the desert eating virgins?”
“I don’t actually eat them.” he answered. “I just pop them in my mouth and take them back to my cave.”
“Oh.” Tricks said.
“Yeah, they cook and clean for me.” He pulled himself up. “Excuse me, where are my manners. I’m Sstuart.”
“Hi, Stuart. That’s Brain, Siege and Opie.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” he said bowing his head. “Do you want to get out of the hot ssun?”
“Thanks, what about the natives?”
“They’re my worshippers; they will probably go back to building shrines to me after we leave.”
“Okay.”
“Please hop on my back, it is quite some distance.” They did as Stuart suggested, and in no time they were speeding along with the wind in their hair.
“Nice place.” Tricks said looking around. “I love the waterfall.”
“Built it myself.” Stuart replied. “Ssorry but we only have mutton on the menu.”
They arrived at his cave in a few minutes, but it would have taken them a few hours to walk. The place was an underground cave. It had a huge pool of water in the middle, with many caves leading off it. There were plenty of natives running around, carrying things or sweeping.
“I do sso like a clean house.” he said.
“Do these people live here forever?” Siege asked.
“Oh heavens no.” Stuart replied. “Most of them stay for a year or two and then head home. I gather that it is a privilege to be selected to work here.”
“So you don’t understand their language?”
“Not as well as I should, tell you what, go get cleaned up and I’ll tell you all about it at lunch, well a late lunch anyway. It will probably make cook furious that I didn’t mention I would bring guests.” The four adventures found an empty cave.
“This is all a little weird.” Brain said. “You don’t suppose we’re hallucinating it all from being in the desert too long.” Tricks pinched him. “What was that for?” He asked rubbing this arm.
“So you can see you’re not hallucinating.” she replied
“Pinching is dreaming, or is it falling on your face, never mind.” He walked off to explore. He liked the waterfall, so he wanted to get a closer look at how it worked.
“I think we just got very lucky.” Tricks said to the remaining part
y. “If we could convince Stuart to take us to Hardpassvil, we should get there in no time.”
“Yeah.” replied Opie. “I’m still worried though. Can we really trust him?”
“What do you mean?”
“Forget I said anything, I’m just tired. Maybe I’ll get some sleep before lunch.”
“Okay, but I’m off to explore.” Tricks left.
“What do you think Siege?” he asked after Tricks was out of ear shot.
“I feel it as well, it’s like there’s something wrong. Have you ever heard of a talking snake?”
“You mean other than the sea monsters.”
“Oh yes, I forgot about them.”
“I think he’s probably a god that did something wrong and has to pay penance by being a snake.” Opie said. “Let’s not worry too much about it. I really am tired.” They cuddled up and went to sleep.
“What’s that Brain?” Tricks said coming round the corner. Brain looked at her very guiltily while try to hide the thing behind his back.
“Nothing.” he replied as innocently as he could. She strode over to him and pulled it out of his hand.
“Just what were you going to do with this spanner?” she asked shaking it in his face.
“I saw that he was using a water wheel to move the water from a larger waterfall deeper in the cave to make this one work.” he said, trying to get the spanner back from Tricks’ fast moving hands. “I thought I would improve it, you know, my way of saying thanks.”
“Do you want to go out into the desert again? ‘Cause if you fiddle with this stuff that is exactly where you’ll end up.”
“No, I’ll make it better.”
“How many things have you ‘improved’ since we started this trip?” she asked slapping him on the back of the hand. “Let the spanner go.”
“I fixed plenty of things.”
“Yeah.” she replied. “Plenty of things that don’t work right anymore.” She turned him around and marched him back to the main cave.
“Go into that cave, get some sleep and don’t come out until lunch.” Tricks said. She sat with him until he fell asleep, then she joined him, but not before tying a rope to their legs. She needn’t have bothered. They all slept till suppertime.
“You were all ssleeping sso ssoundly that I thought I would leave you.” Stuart said when the four of them were sitting around the table. “I hope you like mutton, please dig in.” There was a whole spit roasted sheep in front of Stuart, which he swallowed whole, the other people at the table merely cut pieces of their roast, and wondered if it would be polite not to finish a whole sheep each.
“Much better.” Stuart said licking his lips. “Please feel free to ask all the questions you like.”
“Are you a god?” Opie blurted out.
“Good heavens no.” Stuart replied. “I’m just a really big snake.”
“But you can talk.”
“Don’t all snakes talk?” he asked, a puzzled look coming over his scaly face.
“No…” Opie started. “Truth is I don’t know? I never really stopped to talk to one.”
“There you go then.” Stuart said. “Maybe all snakes do talk, not that I’ve met any others, I came from an egg you know. I was in my room one morning, it wasn’t really my room, but I didn’t know that at the time, and I started feeling a little claustrophobic, so I broke out. That was when I discovered the world. I was lying at the foot of the Horn Mountains and there in front of me was a book called an encyclopaedia. It was full of information. I figured someone must have left it for me, so I read it. Did you know the Horn Mountains used to be called the Eagle Mountains? Strange hey, I sometime go and look at them, but I never see any eagles.”
“What’s up with the worship thing?”
“That’s quite a funny story.” he said and chuckled. The chuckle sent a cool shiver down everyone’s back, not a sound you want to hear in a dark alley. “Mostly I looked up things in the encyclopaedia that I wanted to know, but I thought I should probably read everything. I was reading about missionaries and I thought that would be fun. I didn’t have a bible, that’s a book with special stories, but I did have the encyclopaedia, and that had some nice stuff in it. I was small at the time, so I tried to convert the rats to the word, but they always ran away when I got close. Like it said in the book, being a missionary is not easy work. That was when I got tired of eating bugs. I felt bad about eating my faithful flock, even though they ran away from me so I ate them, and tried to convert the sheep. They were much more willing to hear the great word, even though they didn’t say much. Then one fateful day I ate one of them. By this time I was bored of being a missionary. It was the day after I ate my first sheep that a whole group of Notmads came…”
“Sorry to interrupt.” Brain said, “but what are Notmads?”
“Those are the people.”
“Don’t you mean Nomads?”
“No, the book said that Nomads move around, and they didn’t.”
“Okay, please continue.”
“Thanks. Anyway the Notmads started pocking me with their sticks, so I swallowed one and ran away. I didn’t eat her; I just spat her out when I got back to my cave. She bowed to me and started cleaning up all the mess. Now they keep supplying me with people, they seem to think that I won’t eat all their sheep if they do. I spy on them, I have very good camouflage, and they seem to think I’m a god and they have to send me people and build alters to me.” he chuckled again. “All that time I was trying to minister to the animals, and I should have been doing it to the Notmads. Funny how life works out.”
“Yes.” said Tricks. “I don’t what to overstay our welcome, but is there any chance you can take us to Hardpassvil?”
“If you show me where it is.” he replied. “I would be more than happy.”
“Thanks, I just wish I knew where we were?” Tricks said.
“That’s easy, according to the encyclopaedia we are in the crown of the Horn Mountains.” Stuart replied.
“Then it should be towards the setting sun.” Opie said.
“Listen Stuart.” Tricks said. “I don’t want to be rude, but most people aren’t like the Notmads. They would probably kill you if they got the chance.”
“Yes I know.” Stuart replied. “When you were sleeping I went out to get some more sheep and a whole bunch of men started shooting arrows at me.” There was silence.
“The mob.” Siege said first.
“How did they find us?” Brain asked.
“Probably a tracker, what does it matter, they are probably right on our tail.” Tricks said standing up.
“It will take them a day and a night to get here.” Stuart said.
“Yeah, the longer they spend in the desert the easier it will be to take them on.” Tricks said sitting back down. “If only they didn’t have sheep to eat.”
“I could call the sheep in for Sunday mass.” Stuart offered.
“Your sheep go to mass?” Brain asked.
“Yes.” replied Stuart straight faced. “They are the only ones I converted. The Notmads think I’m their god. So they make up their own rituals.”
“Okay.” Tricks said standing up again. “Call in the sheep and we’ll get ready to take on the mob. I don’t suppose you counted how many there were?”
“About a hundred.” Stuart replied.
“Well at least they will be tired and hungry when they get here.” Stuart left to call in the sheep. The others found a room to talk in.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to get Stuart to take us now?” Opie asked.
“Yes.” replied Tricks. “But we will never have a better chance of throwing those guys off our trail.”
“There are a hundred of them.” Brain piped up.
“So, we have the element of surprise, and they will be exhausted, plus we have a big snake on our side.” Tricks took another sip of water. “I think we should stop them here and then not worry about them ever again, you know what they’re like, they’ll keep coming un
til we’re all dead.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Brain said. “But we should come up with a good plan of attack.”
“I’ve been thinking about that, you know that water wheel?” She told them her plan. They all went off to do their respective tasks.
At day break the next morning they were ready. They stood on the slight rise above the cave. They could see the silhouettes of the men on the horizon.
“Won’t be long now.” Tricks said. “I hope this thing works Brain.”
“I tested it this morning, Stuart helped, but he said I could keep all the royalties.” Brain replied looking at the giant water wheel.
“Good. Siege how many rocks did you and the Notmads collect?”
“I didn’t count, but probably a thousand.”
“That should be enough. Opie were you able to find the ingredients I asked for?”
“Not as much as I had hoped, but it should be enough.”
“Fine. Let’s go start dipping the wool I sheared and get ready.” They walked down into the cave; the Notmads were already dipping the wool in the black oil and lamp wax mix.
“Stuart took me into Easypassvil, but I didn’t want him to get too close.” Opie said. “That’s why I only brought this much.” he said pointing at the four drums. “It took me half the night to carry it as it was.” He stretched out his back. “I could only find about a hundred sacks though.”
“It should be enough, we are reusing them.” Tricks said looking very impressed with what her troops had accomplished. “Those guys won’t know what hit them. Brain come with me, I want a few range finders before they can see us. Opie, Siege keep supervising.” They walked outside and almost stepped onto the nearly invisible Stuart.
“Sorry Stuart, didn’t see you there.” Tricks said.
“I was just practicing for my duty.” he replied.
“Good, but don’t go all heroic on us. Just keep them in range, and yourself out of harm’s way.”
“Yes sir.” he said and saluted with his tongue. Tricks returned the salute and Stuart disappeared into the gathering light. Tricks and Brain walked up to the water wheel or as Brain secretly called it the incredible automatic stone and burning wool throwing machine. They had a few test shots and they were right on target.
Brain had spent most of the night firstly getting the water wheel into position, and then bolting on lengths of wood with hooks on the end. It was connected to the giant water wheel underground, by a dis-engage-able gear. It was basically an automatic trebuchet.
“Nice work Brain.” Tricks said after they had tried it out. Brain didn’t stop smiling the rest of the day, he even kept it while he was being treated for burns, but I think Stuart’s secret stash of homebrew helped more with that.
“Pull the cover over and let’s get ready to meet our guests.”
The mobsters started to get into position. They looked tired. It was nearly midday when they walked into the small clearing. They couldn’t believe their luck. Sitting in the middle of the clearing were ten troughs of water. If they had stopped to think about it, they would have thought it was for the sheep, as Tricks intended, but all they could think about was filling their bellies. Most of them had drunk some before they noticed the water was filled with salt.
“It’s a trap.” the real Nino said as the first ball of burning wool hit the ground. The oil and wax splattered and started burning them. Another quickly followed it. The black smoke made it hard to see, but Nino managed to rally his non-burning troops and charged the hill. Brain quickly changed to rocks; with their shorter range they crushed bones and started the retreat. A few men got off crossbow shots, but none of them even came close to the wall our heroes were hiding behind. A few men tried to run away, but Stuart would rear up every time they tried to leave the designated area.
After about ten minutes of bombardment, Tricks called a cease-fire. She drew her sword and hopped over the wall. Surprisingly very few people were dead. Lots of burns and breaks, but not a lot of deaths. She found Nino and dragged him away.
“Okay put this lot out, and lock them up in the cave.” she shouted. The Notmads brought buckets of water and doused those that were still burning. They then, with the help of Opie and Siege, herded the men into the specially made cave, the one with the wooden bar. Brain had some trouble disengaging the gear, and this is when he got burnt.
Tricks dunked Nino’s head in a bucket of water and then threw him on the ground.
“Hello again.” Tricks said putting the tip of her sword at his groin. “Fancy meeting you again.” Nino looked up at her and thought he was dead, he had never seen such fire in anyone’s eyes before, and he had looked into some pretty fiery eyes in his time.
“I was under orders.” he tried. “A blood oath.”
“Well I guess we are going to have our own blood oath.” Tricks said still smiling.
“Wait, we could have our own blood oath.” Nino tried desperately. He was starting to really hate Sal Ca’pin, probably sitting in his mansion in Clemville, drinking fine wine, eating good food and having sisters over. “Could I have some water please?” He asked so politely that Tricks gave him some.
“Tell me about the blood oath?” Tricks asked as Nino drunk his full.
“Nowadays the blood oath is a task you accept until its completion or your death.”
“That doesn’t bode well for you, does it?” No-one was supposed to interfere with Tricks, she had made it quite clear, but a young Notmad girl brought her a plate of snacks anyway. “Do you have any honour?” Tricks asked. “And if not, do you believe I can cut you in half before you can move a muscle.” he nodded.
“You have my word, I will not try to escape. If that is not enough then I do know you are Tricks of Clemville.” Tricks took her foot off his chest and allowed him to sit up.
“Eat something, and then explain why I’m not going to kill you?” He ate, rather quickly.
“Will my men be fed?” Tricks assured him they would. “Thank you. I’m more of a traditional man, and I think the blood oath is the honour of a man. When you go into this sacred pact you do so to honour someone. In my case it was Sal Ca’pin, but when I found out he would be flying back to Clemville, I lost all respect for him.”
“What does that mean?” Tricks asked, hoping she would like his answer.
“To me, he broke the blood oath he also took. Therefore I feel nothing towards him.”
“Good, that means I won’t have to kill you.” Tricks smiled and Nino was glad that he wasn’t in her bad books anymore. “Let’s go into the cave, we can negotiate better out of the sun.”
“Negotiate?” Tricks just smiled and kept walking.
The first thing she heard when she walked into the cave was Brain screaming.
“What the hell..?” she said and ran off in the direction of the screaming. Nino stood around looking lost, until a large snake appeared and told him to come through to the dining room. Nino was a little worried that he was about to be eaten, but after what he had just experienced, he was starting to lose all faith in being surprised.
“What happened Brain?” Tricks said coming round the corner. Brain looked at her, his hand was wrapped in a bandage and he was smiling. “What’s going on?” She asked in that very polite voice that made it crystal clear that if the explanation wasn’t damn good, heads were going to roll.
“I just swallowed too much of Stuarts homebrew.” he replied. Seeing the look on her face, he thought he should explain a little more. “For numisakal porpoises.” She started to walk towards him, but he passed out before she got within striking distance.
“Can’t leave them alone for a second.” she said, going back to the dining room. When she arrived in the dining room, she walked up to Opie and hit him on the back of the head.
“That’s for your lame headed friend.” She sat down, waiting for Opie to make a big deal out of it.
“I’ll pass it on.” he said with a smile. “What are we going to do with th
e mobsters? I don’t feel right killing them off.”
“We could convince them to join the church of Stuart.” Nino walked in at that moment. He had been in the kitchen organizing some food for his men.
“What’s the church of Stuart?” he asked. Opie jumped to his feet.
“He’s alright Opie. The big snake fancies himself as a bit of a preacher. We were thinking that we could convert your men and they could spend the rest of their lives here praying to Stuart.”
“I guess it would be hard to escape from here.” Nino said. “But I have a better idea.” he told them. Opie was the first to object.
“It’s too risky. You’re putting your life in the hands of someone sworn to kill us.”
“He has a point Nino. How do we guarantee you won’t double cross us?”
“I give you my word of honour, I know you probably don’t trust it, but you could always have the big snake hang around.”
“We would have to blind fold you so that you wouldn’t know where he was.” Tricks said.
“That would be fine, but let me tell you the real reason I want to do this.” They told him to continue. “Sal was my mentor; I really looked up to him. Then he ran away from a fight that by all rights we should have won. Sure it was up against the great Tricks, but we had you out numbered and out gunned. He was scared of the threat you made.”
“Ah, what threat was that?” Opie asked.
“I didn’t want to mention it, but I promised Sal I would come back and take his balls.” Tricks shrugged her shoulders, Opie just stared at her.
“No wonder he sent so many men.” Opie said after a respectful silence.
“I thought it would scare him off at the time.” Tricks said, shrugging again. “Anyway are we going to try Nino’s plan or should I go kill everyone now.” She stood up and drew her sword, making sure everyone knew she meant it.
“We’ll go along with his plan, but what about Brain?” Siege asked.
“From the look of it he’s already doing his bit.” Tricks replied.
Nino moved as quietly as he could. He had a sword in his hand, and he was grinning. The blood on the blade was running down to his hand, making it sticky. He found the locked cave where his men were. They almost screamed when they saw him, but he held his finger to his lips. He didn’t know were Stuart was, but he didn’t want to take any chances. He expertly cut away the rope holding the bars in place.
“Prepare to move on my command.” he whispered.
“What about Tricks and the others?” One of the men asked.
“Forget about them, I played them like a violin. They didn’t even see me coming.” He smiled the conspiratorial smile. “No time to explain; let’s get out before the snake comes back.” They followed him out. One of the men gasped as they walked past the hacked up bodies of Tricks and Opie.
“Nice work, Nino.” One of the men said. Brain took this moment to moan. “I think that one’s still alive, do you want us to finish him off?”
“No time, but what I did to him, let’s just say there is no cure.” They all chuckled. In no time they were running through the desert.
“Hey, Nino you need Tricks’ head to get the ten large.”
“What do you think is in this sack?” He replied. They had to stop so he could show them her head, but it was so bloody they thought it would be a better idea if they waited till he had a chance to clean it up.
“That went well.” Tricks said getting up.
“I thought we were done for when Brain stirred.” Opie replied.
“I think that probably helped sell the show. He really did sound like he was in pain.” Siege said. “I hope this red stuff washes off.”
“One thing Tricks.” Opie started. “What happens with your head? I mean when they get back they are going to know it’s not you.”
“Two days in the desert and it will be reeking.” Tricks smiled at the thought. “They will have to leave it, and if they don’t, which I personally hope, it will be so rotten they won’t be able to tell it wasn’t me.”
“Okay, one more thing. What happens when we get back to Clemville and Sal sees we are still alive?”
“Stop worrying over every little detail.” Opie thought it was quite important, but didn’t say anything. The important thing was that they were alive and one step closer to the treasure.
“I think we should stay here for a couple of days.” Tricks said unusually compassionately. “Give Brain a chance to heal.” Stuart took this moment to come sliding in. He was in such a hurry that he slipped and knocked Opie over.
“Sorry.” he said. “Did it work, did we fool them?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, didn’t you see?” Tricks asked.
“No, sorry, I fell asleep.” he replied, looking as sheepish as a snake could.
“Fat lot of help you would have been. All hail the great Stuart.” Tricks said sarcastically, then continued without batting an eyelid. “Can we stay a couple of days?” He replied that he would love to have some genuine talking company. They saw to Brain and then cleaned up.
It was a well-rested and clean group of people that sat down to breakfast the next day.
“I think we should tell him.” Opie said, continuing the discussion he had started with Tricks earlier. Tricks thought about it for a few minutes and then looked at Stuart.
“Have you ever heard of Da’Loose, Stuart?” she asked.
“Wow.” he replied. “I haven’t heard that name since I was a few feet long.”
“Just how old are you?” Opie asked.
“I have no idea.” Stuart replied. “I didn’t know you aged until a few hundred years ago, so I didn’t bother to count before that. By the way you are all invited to my birthday party. I’m so excited I can hardly wait.”
“Thanks.” Siege said. “What date is it?”
“I don’t understand?” Stuart asked looking perplexed.
“You have a birthday on a certain day of the year.”
“Oh, that would probably make more sense, but I like my way better. I have a yearlong party, once every hundred years.”
“Let me guess?” Tricks said. “Next year is your birthday year.”
“Oh heavens no.” he replied. “If that was the case I would be out of my mind preparing. No I’m having it in twenty three years.”
“Okay, well that certainly gives us time to pick up a gift, let me check my diary and I’ll get back to you?” Tricks said.
“Oh I do hope you can come.” Stuart said. “Why do you have to pick up a gift?”
“It’s what you’re supposed to do.” Siege added, starting to wonder just how he had read the encyclopaedia. “You give gifts to the party boy, or snake in your case.”
“There you go again.” Stuart said. “You guys really know how to pull my tail. At your birthday you give the gift. You guys really crack me up.” Have you ever heard a huge snake laugh? Very, very scary.
“Sorry to change the subject.” Opie said trying to get the hell laugh out of his head. “You were saying something about Da’Loose?”
“He was one of the guys.” Stuart said. “Quite important as I recall. They marched past when I still lived at the base of the mountain. I was preaching to the rats at the time, I think it was about the time I gave up bugs. Anyway this army, and when I say army, I mean a group of men with pitchforks and sharpened sticks, camped right near my tunnel. I spent some time in their camp; quite a few heathen rats were following them. Try as I might I couldn’t convert them. I had to pin them down with my teeth, but they mostly ended up committing suicide rather than being converted.”
“Do you know you’re a poisonous snake?” Opie asked.
“I am?”
“Yes, as far as I can tell you are one of the most deadly, a King Cobra.”
“Wow.” Stuart said almost beaming. “Here I am thinking I’m a common house snake and all the time I’ve been royalty. That probably explains some of the unexpected deaths.” he continued more soberly.
r /> “Sorry to interrupt your ‘guess the snake’ game.” Tricks said not sounding sorry at all. “Do you think you could continue with the story?”
“Yes of course.” Stuart ruffled his scales and continued. “According to the encyclopaedia it was what is called a rebellion. They were being led by some guy call Poorson. From what I overheard, he was a poor farmer that was sick of some king. They camped for a few days, then moved on taking the heathen rats with them.”
“Is that all?” Tricks asked a little disappointed.
“No. They left a real mess; it took me almost two weeks to clean up. Whenever I asked the converted rats to help, they always claimed they had bad backs. I’m sorry to leave during this fascinating discussion, but I called the sheep in for mass, and if I don’t give it to them they get all skittish, well more skittish than usual.” He left the three of them alone.
“Have either of you checked on Brain?” Tricks asked, she was thinking about something Stuart had said, but wasn’t ready to bring it up yet.
“I checked on him before I came here.” Siege said. “He has some remarkable healing properties. I think the homebrew is affecting him worse than the actual burn.”
“I was thinking about it.” Opie said. “Snakes aren’t affected by their own poison, but it does make them high. I think Stuart adds a little poison to his brew. I think it is also helping Brain heal quickly, although he has healed very fast in the past. My guess is that it’s his body’s natural defence to his chosen career.”
“He does spend a lot of time blowing himself up.” Tricks replied with a smile, she quickly lost it and said more seriously. “Stuart said that Poorson was a poor farmer, that doesn’t bode well for the size of the treasure.”
“Yeah.” replied Opie. “I was thinking about that, but I think he probably collected a lot of money from the people who joined up with him.”
“As far as I’ve heard, they were also poor, that’s why they started the rebellion.” Tricks said.
“Yes, but they could have had some rich backers.” Stuart came slithering in.
“I just remembered something about Poorson.” he said excitedly.
“That was a quick mass.” Tricks said, wishing some of the mass she had to go to at school were that quick.
“Oh, I’m not finished, the sheep have bowed their heads in prayer, they will stay like that for a week unless I say amen.” Stuart replied. Then he started to slink away.
“You remembered something?” Opie prompted.
“Oh yes.” Stuart continued getting excited. “I was in his tent, Poorson’s I mean, and I heard him say he had something that would guarantee their victory, but I didn’t hear what. At the time he pointed at a cast iron chest.” Stuart started to leave, the older sheep might stay forever with their heads bowed, but the lamb choir could get into some real mischief if he wasn’t around.
“I was starting to worry there for a minute.” Opie said. “Now we have confirmation of the treasure.”
“Yes.” Tricks said. “Confirmation that it did exist once, but still no proof that Da’Loose didn’t steal it.
“I still think with everything we have heard and seen so far that the treasure does exist and next clue is at Hardpassvil. I’m off to see how Brain is doing.” Opie left.
“We can only hope it exists.” Siege said, but with Opie gone, Tricks was ignoring her, so she went for another luxurious bath in the sun-heated pool. The Notmad virgins made excellent back scrubbers, and seemed happy to be cleaning a person and not something scaly.
“How you doing Brain?” Opie asked when he walked into what was now the hospital room.
“Hey Opie.” Brain replied looking better. “Don’t drink the local stuff, it’s poison.”
“Truer than you know.” Opie replied, happy that his friend wasn’t dead. “I stopped off at mass, don’t ask, it’s a long story. Anyway Stuart said the homebrew was water and the green stuff, as he put it, from his fangs. You’re lucky to be alive.”
“What do you mean?” Brain asked looking very serious.
“He’s a poisonous snake, from what I know his poison should have killed you.”
“That can’t be right.” Brain replied. “My arm was hurting this morning so I drank some more, great pain killer, but I feel fine.”
“I think you have become immune to his poison.”
“You mean I could take part in the Great Parade as a snake charmer?” Brain joked.
“I don’t think you could charm anything. Maybe if you had Stuart, but his bite would probably kill you before the poison had time to work.” They both had a good chuckle. “We’ve found out some more information about the treasure.” Opie told him about Stuart’s encounter with the Poorson army, and about the discussion they had afterwards.
“I’m with you on that one.” Brain said. “If he went to the trouble to locking it in a cast iron box it must be valuable.”
“That was my thought, anyway get well soon, we can’t leave until you’re fighting fit.” Brain promised he would be up and around before nightfall, if the home brew lasted that long. Opie got Stuart to make some more. Brain spent the day designing the perfect weapon for Tricks, or better yet, what he considered the perfect weapon for Tricks. The uneasiness Opie and Siege had felt when they first arrived in the cave evaporated the next morning when they left. Stuart dropped them at the snow line as close to Hardpassvil as he dared go.
“I hate that white stuff.” he said giving the snow the evil eye. “It makes me all lethargic and sleepy.” Opie explained to him that he was cold blooded, Stuart took offence, but Siege saved the friendship by saying that he had a warm heart. They reassured him once again that his tooth would re grow. They promised to write, not that they had anywhere to post the letters to. Stuart said he would get a Notmad to open a post box at Easypassvil, now that he knew a world existed outside his own he would start training the Notmads. (That’s a story for another time.) They all hugged him and he was off.
It was with high spirits that they walked through the snow, not knowing that the hardest part of the journey was still to come.
Chapter 12