Kingdom of Nad
Population: Two. The King (really a woman, but she thought it was a bit unfair that men got the really cool titles and she was left with the girly sounding queen. Also, the first ruler of Nad had decreed that only kings shall rule the kingdom) and her faithful scroll keeper Paulo the reasonably good-looking, if you are into that whole Latin lover kind of thing.
"Oh, Paulo!"
"Si, my King!"
He might not have been any good at keeping the scrolls, in fact he was downright hopeless, but he made up for it in other areas and the scrolls pretty much looked after themselves. The kingdom of Nad was chosen thousands of years ago to be the archive of important writings. It is no more than a rock jutting out of the sea, with one redeeming feature. It is filled with caves, all interlocking and only one entrance. So the scroll keepers of old built a really impressive library above the opening. (It is well know that librarians love to read fantasy, and as they had way to much cash on their hands, thanks to the sale of the notorious librarian written book 'Alchemy: true stories', they built what can only be described as a fairy tale castle, only much, much bigger. The scrolls started flooding in. As the island of Nad had no real entertainment i.e. women and the pubs were left on the mainland, they proclaimed one of their members king and appointed him an assistant. Whoever the king was, the appointed assistant was always of the opposite sex. This insured the survival of the royal lineage and the keeping of the scrolls.)
"That was fantastic, Paulo."
"Si. My King." Paulo didn't speak much.
"Let’s lock up, throw up the spells and take a long holiday."
Yeah you guessed it: "Si. My King."
The City Without a Name.
(That’s right, if you look at a map it will clearly show a city, but it doesn't have a name. So most people refer to it as The City Without a Name. It has been called worse, but for some reason known only to a few select gods it always reverts to The City Without a Name. The designer of it took a look at the Swill and Donkey and said 'Gee, I really like that, but could we make it seedier and more depraved. How about chucking in a few rougher ruffians, and don't worry about good looking woman, we will be happy with the bottom of the barrel.' Well if they didn't, how else did it end up just like that?)
The worst of the worst was Captain Vernon the Vindictive. Pirate extraordinaire, vagabond to be sure and all round murdering scum. That was when he was in a good mood. Which he wasn't, ever. To add to his woes he had accidentally driven his ship into the harbour wall and it would take all week to fix. Normally he would have nicked another ship and returned in a week saying something like 'Sorry I got it confused with my ship, tell you what, you don't complain and I won’t kill you.' Most people didn't complain. However, there was a shortage of ships in the harbour. The ones that were left had guards, and I don't mean wishy washy regular guards, I mean tough and mean guards, like the kind you would find in The City Without a Name. So he stayed home, well he stayed in the Black Flag pub, and drank away his sorrows getting more and more angry.
The Great Desert
Antagon and Marshmid were at war again; only Marshmid didn't know it yet. The great general Killem had decided to attack Marshmid by surprise. Instead of taking all his men by ship, he had created a clever rouse. He marched his men into the Great Desert and was going to attack through the swamp. Having spent all his money hiring every available ship to lay siege to the City, he didn't have enough money to buy a decent map. So he was thoroughly lost. The men who were sent into the swamp to get water invariably didn't return. Luckily a swamp monster was quite nice over a roasting fire. General Killem was quite happy to keep looking for the way to Marshmid, and a few dead soldiers was the chance you took when planning a brilliant strategy. (How Killem remained in charge of the Antagon army after the ‘long way round the mainland’ fiasco is a bit of a mystery. Oh yes he was the Kings favourite cousin.)
Deep in outer space.
Bored of his existence as an asteroid, the big rock known to his friends as Humphrey and by the astronomers on Knothear as P-1743 slowly came closer to the planet. Peering down he slipped and started a deadly spiral that could only end in one thing, a fireball. He really should have paid more attention in Gravity class, instead of trying to chat up Mary.
Clemville
"My head hurts." Brain said, stumbling out of the back room and into Saturday morning at the Swill and Donkey.
It was hard to tell that it was Saturday morning as the Swill and Donkey pretty much looked like that twenty-four seven.
"Have you got something for my head, Guness?"
That was another feature of the Pub, Guness. (As a youth he had decided he wanted to live in a bar. When he asked a wizard to make it possible for him to "Live the rest of my life awake in a bar" the wizard, William the Witty, had granted him the wish. Now he couldn't leave, and never slept.)
"Best thing in the world for a hangover is more ale."
Brain ran back to the room, hand over his mouth. (He had meant a greasy breakfast, nothing related to alcohol.) He didn't emerge for another ten minutes. Sitting happily in a corner with Opie and Siege, Tricks was sipping on her remedy for a night of non-stop drinking, tea. Opie had been spared the indignity of a hangover; simply by passing out after his second drink, he wasn't one to hold his liquor. Like everything else, alcohol had trouble-finding Siege. (Between her mouth and her blood steam the alcohol would simply wonder off and attach itself to someone else. It was quite a novel experience sitting next to her while she was drinking, especially if you weren't.)
"Should we wait for Brain, or do we start making plans?" Tricks asked.
She had finished her tea, which meant it was now safe to talk to her. She could be a real bear until she had finished her tea.
"It might help if we made the plans and then told him they were set in stone, you know how he can get if you allow him a chance to argue." Siege said, summing up what the other two had been thinking.
"Good. First order of business is to get the map. Let’s hire a boat and sail to Nad." Tricks said. She was starting to stand up to announce to the people in the pub that they were going to lend her a boat, but was cut short by Opie.
"At the library we keep all the boat hiring records, and according to the records all the ships have been hired out. We would be lucky if we got a row boat."
His voice sort of petered out under Tricks’ glare.
"Oh good! Anything else you want to add?"
Opie understood sarcasm, but decided to continue anyway.
"Well since you asked, we can't sail to Nad, the tides of Crustation Island mean we have to stop there and cross the island first, and then catch the ferry across."
Tricks replied, "What nonsense. That is just a fairy tale they tell to small children to stop them from running away from home." (What? She does sometimes talk a lot of old rubbish, but for some reason no one ever argues with her.) Brain returned in time to hear this remark
"What? Gods you sometimes talk a lot of old rubbish." (Seems Brain doesn't know that.), Brain said holding his head. He was trying to keep the pink elephants that were happily dancing around him from disturbing the other patrons. "Everyone knows that Nad is not a real place, it's more a state of mind." We will skip the next two-hours; it is enough to say that Brain will make a full recovery and that Tricks’ hand is still fine.
We next find the adventurers strolling the street of Clemville, making their way to the Clemville docks.
"Do those two always go on like that?" the shy Opie finally plucked up the courage to ask a question directly at Siege, rather than mumbling and hoping that the words would magically arrive at her ears.
"Ever since I've known them! I think its sexual tension."
She giggled and then blushed and then tried to hide her face in her hands and then gave up and changed the subject.
"Can you really see me?"
"Off course, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."
&n
bsp; Then he did the giggle, blushing and hands thing. They were silent for a few more blocks.
"What’s it like…" they both said in unison, and then both, what will now be known as GBH, giggle blush hide.
"You go first." Siege said, after they had walked another silent block.
"What do you suppose those two are talking about?" Tricks asked.
"Probably about how hard you hit me in the eye."
"Stop being such a big baby, I hardly touched you, and you were being very rude."
"Ha! You're one to talk. I think it is much ruder to hit people in public, then voicing ones opinion."
"When you have something sensible to say I might listen to your opinion, but until then or hell freezes over I will help keep you on the straight and narrow."
"What crap are you trying to justify your use of violence with now? Like I always say; when the lower life forms can't argue their way out of a problem, they turn to violence."
"Oh now you are really going to get it."
"I'm so scared." Brain said running as fast as he could.
Luckily for him Tricks was laughing so hard she had trouble running.
"See what I mean?" Siege said as Brain came flying past, closely followed by a chuckling Tricks.
"Like I was saying, it can be hard always being the last person anyone ever talks to. Sometimes even Tricks doesn’t notice me for a good ten minutes and she's my best friend."
"That truly is sad. I think you are one of the most noticeable people I have ever seen." GBH.
"Thanks, so what is it like working in the library."
"You know I really like reading, so that part is great, it's all the rest that can get you down. I don't get out much, so I would have to say that Brain is my best friend. The others at the library don't really like working there; they were sort of thrust into it because of their families. They always make fun of me because I chose to work there rather then become a baker. They give me all the horrible jobs, like cleaning out the basement, but what they don't know is that it is my favourite job. All the old manuscripts and it keeps me away from them."
"Well I think you do a very important job. How would people find out stuff if there wasn't a library?" GBH
"Come on you two love birds, we haven't got all day." GBH
Clemville Dock
They had finally arrived at the dock and Brain was still alive. The Clemville Dock is not a place for regular people. It is situated at the furthest extent of Clemville on the Valmic river delta. Of the twenty-seven reported channels (More have been discovered, but posthumous reports don't count.) it is on Channel No. 1, which is also the widest. It was more of a river port then a dock, although the traditional name remained. Hundreds of small jetties lined the bank, most of them empty. Across the channel you could just make out the CASMoB filling their trench with the huge vats of methane. (As methane was quite hard to work with it was suggested that they use highly distilled alcohol to burn in the trench. They tried it for a day, but it turns out that members of CASMoB and swamp monsters alike get wasted on near pure alcohol. So after they had cleared out the really drunk swamp monsters [they had decided to go to a football match and their team lost, so you can imagine the damage] they decided that methane, while not quite as much fun, would be better than a swamp monster pub.) Slightly further up river was the Junk Town. It was entirely made up of old boats that were no longer fit to float. As there was a nice big sand bank, they had parked the boats on it and now people who were not fit to float, but liked the fresh stench of the sea, lived on them. As long as you didn't go down below it was quite nice. Closer to the sea was where the Clemville fishing fleet moored. They were out, some of them trying to catch some fish, but most of them having joined up with General Killem's surprise attack. The houses (I use the word very loosely) that lined the 'wharf' were made up mostly of two types; fish markets and shipping transport. The repair yard was part of Junk Town. That way if any boat was unfit for active duty, they could always leave it where it was and someone could move in. The Clemville navy was parked one hundred yards inland, so nobody could steal their ship. Did I forget the stench? Kind of hard to forget.
"What the hell is that smell?" Brain said after taking a nice deep breath of what he thought would be fresh sea air. "How can people live here?"
"Quit whining Brain, it's just rotten fish and raw sewerage." Tricks said.
She knew what to expect, she had been there before. The other three were gasping for breath and trying to block their noses.
"I've never seen it so deserted, let’s go and find Anchors Away and get us a boat."
"Any chance of a ship?" Brain asked, remembering the last time he went on a boat.
Anchors Away was the kind of place that made the Swill and Donkey look really posh. Even Tricks who had been in it before felt like washing, so you can imagine how Siege felt. The gloom that hung around the place had been building itself up for years. (It had grown so big over time that it was now swallowing cats and small dogs. It still hadn't reach gloom sentience yet like its big brother in the cave of eternal suffering which could swallow small children and dwarfs, but it was trying really hard.) The Barkeep, if you can call an ex-pirate skeleton a barkeep, hadn't been alive for about ten years. The owner, having already experienced paying wages, had decided that it would be more fitting for his little dive to have some character, rather than good service. Now you had to really shout (for obvious reasons the skeleton was hard of hearing) to get any service.
"Four ales and a ship." Tricks said at the top of her voice, which was really loud, so loud in fact that the skeleton almost moved.
Brain dashed outside, decided that outside looked cleaner and it was probably better if he threw up inside, so he found a corner.
"Better make that three ales and a glass of water." (The water in the place had long since fermented into a really strong drink, so sweet old Mrs Nick brought four ales. Mrs Nick is a bit of an enigma. Four foot two and the sweetest looking old women you would ever care to meet. Normally, in this part of the world or any part of the world, she would have been taken advantage of, but she was married to Mr Nick. Yes, that’s right Old Nick himself, how they got together is another story.)
"Hello dears. I heard you asking for a ship." the sweet old woman said. "I'm terribly sorry, but they are all off on some silly errand or other at the moment. Tell you what, I know this really nice fellow Mr Titler, one of my husband’s poker buddies, he's just down the street, I know he hasn't sailed yet. Between you and me I don't think he's likely to sail, too much elbow lifting if you know what I mean." She winked suggestively. "Perhaps if you asked him really nicely he will take you where you want to go. You just tell him that Mrs Nick sent you." Before anyone could get a word in, she continued. "You're looking a little under the weather there Mr O'Shaunase. Tell you what; I got this nice little remedy in the back. I always give it to Mr Nick after one of his poker nights. He always says if he wasn't the devil it would kill him, (she has no clue that he really is the devil) he can be so funny at times." She chuckled and started to head towards the back.
"Quick Siege put some coins on the table and let’s get out of here before she comes back and forces us to try her vile concoction.” Tricks said making a hasty move towards the door. "From what I've heard even the Gods won't go near the stuff, they all say it is the only fit punishment for the rebellious one."
Having narrowly escaped the concoction of doom, the four intrepid quest-a-nears headed down the dock towards Titler's Shipping and Pirate Emporium. When they got there Jack Titler was sitting on a rocking chair on the front porch of his store/house/should-have-been-demolished establishment. Tricks made the introduction and said that Mrs Nick had sent them.
"Crazy old bat." he muttered. "So what can I do you fine folks for?"
"We need a ship to take us to Nad."
Tricks had appointed herself spokesman for the little band, Brain was quite happy with that idea for the time being. The ale he had just
quaffed was mixing rather nicely with the alcohol already in his blood stream, add to it the alcohol that Siege had just consumed, he had a bit of a tendency to wonder off. Opie was having a hard time keeping him in one place, and frequently had to pull him off the edge of the dock, Brain trying to convince Opie that he could swim across.
"No can do, love. The blinking constabulary 'ave impounded me ship, 'aven't they! There I was minding me own business, when one of them silly blinking CASMoB boats filled with methane sails right in me path. Well I can tell you I gave them what for. Sent them all to Davey Jones, didn't I! Well the copper says I ‘ave’t pay for the methane, till I does they’s keepin' me ship. Tells you what, you get me ship back and I'll takes you as far as old Crusty, won't I!"
"Okay, we get your ship back and you will take us to Crustation Island?" Tricks said not quite sure if the old sea dog was going to take them or not.
"Swot I said, in'it."
"Right, where have they got your ship?"
"Down the ways a little, can't miss it, it's the beauty with the green flag. You see old 'ofty 'e'll sort you out. I'll be up the road 'aven' a quick pint. You got any loose change I coulds borrow. Ta very much. Sees yous in a twitch oh a mermaids ‘ail."
Then he was gone. Tricks stood for a while watching him go.
"Anyone actually want to go looking for Ofty or whatever his name is or should we try something else."
"I bet I could swim across the Valmic and nick, he he, one of the CASMoB boats."
"Not now Brain. Control your friend Opie, he's an idiot."
"I relent, repeat, re-something that Bicks, Fricks, ah, spoilsport." Brain sat down, realized that a donkey had recently walked past, stood back up and suggested that they all take a quick bath and meet back at the Swill and Donkey. The others thought it was a great idea, slowly edging away from Brain. They suddenly realised where they were and edged a little closer, as he didn’t smell nearly as bad as the general reek of the dock.
The Swill and Donkey
"I'm starting to wonder if this whole going on a quest thing is all it's cracked up to be." Brain said.
He had finally recovered from his hangover and was now sipping on some tea, much to the amusement of the other patrons.
"It's turning into a classic. I have read enough scrolls in my time to recognise the beginnings of an epic adventure. First the heroes are blocked at every turn, they have no choice but to full back on their wits." Opie would have said more, but Tricks interrupted him.
"Like Opie was saying, we fall back on my wits. I think we should steal the navy’s ship and head out. It's not like they are going to follow us, they only have one ship."
"It's a hundred yards inland."
"Ah, you finally here Siege." Siege was the first to arrive, but only Opie noticed her. "When has a little thing like one hundred yards of land ever stopped us?"
"Right!" Brain said rather enthusiastically. "I could build some sort of ship moving thing. Like a giant wagon, well maybe two wagons on each side, with a big wooden thing down the middle that would lift the ship and carry it to water."
"Or we could blackmail a wizard to move it for us. I know just the guy, a real pervert." Tricks continued. While Tricks and Brain argued over which idea had more validity, Opie and Siege entered their own private little world.
"Is questing really like what you said earlier?" Siege asked, by now you should know that GBH is implied each time they talk to each other.
"Sometimes it is really magical. The hero is always on the side of right, no matter what hardships he has to face, and he always gets the girl in the end."
"That sounds really great." She edged a little closer to the tall librarian. "Tell me more about the heroes."
"Well for one thing they don't argue quite as much as Brain and Tricks."
They both laughed.
"Which one of those two do you think will be the hero?" she asked, after a moment’s pause, while Opie tried to put his arm around her.
"Gods help us if either of them tries to be the hero." Opie replied as Siege snuggled into his shoulder.
"Oy you two, no time for hanky panky. Brain and I have come up with a cunning plan." Tricks’ words were like a magic separator. Opie got one more dig in.
"See what I mean? At least they're making it interesting." GBH.
"Okay, listen up. Siege, your job is to distract the guards, so dress sexy. Opie, you have to get us some intel, just sneak into the office and find out how they plan to launch the ship in the event of an emergency. Brain and I are going to make said emergency. Before you ask what emergency, it is better that you don't know. It is enough to say that I will be visiting a high official. Yes what is it Opie?"
"Don't you think it would be better if Siege sneaks in and I create the diversion?"
"Don't be stupid, you will never look like a pretty woman. Hmm...” Cocking her head to one side, Tricks contemplated the possibility. “No offence, but desperate sailors wouldn't pick you up."
"But, I mean..."
"No buts get on with it." With that they were into the night.
Siege and Opie
They were walking slowly in the direction of the navy’s HQ. It was a Saturday night, so they had to keep stopping to empty out Sieges pockets. Only the lights from the windows of houses lit the road they were walking on, it was quite dark. Even though Siege had no fear that anyone would attack her she still allowed Opie to put a protective arm around her.
"Is Tricks always like that?" he asked, after he had Siege firmly in hand.
Opie really did have trouble talking to woman; except when he was drunk, they were his cousin or apparently Siege. All the years he had spent trying to avoid the opposite sex for fear that he might turn into a giant blithering idiot had suddenly evaporated when he was with Siege.
"Pretty much. I know she can seem all boisterous and hard arsed, but underneath she is really a ... well she boisterous and hard arsed underneath, but a great person to have on your side when the chips are down."
She shrugged her shoulders.
"Yes, well I know you feel a little embarrassed about your gift, but maybe we can use it to our advantage. I'll pretend to get a light from one of the guards, and you sneak in. I feel sure that if you just walk around the office the plans will mysteriously end up in one of your pockets."
"I'll give it a try, but I never know what is going to land up in my pockets. More importantly, when we see Tricks again, no matter what, we must pretend that we did it her way."
"Fine, but we will know which one is really taking the risk."
They were almost there. They could see the bright blue flag that designated the navy HQ. It was well lit and the building stood out like a sore thumb. Someone had decided that if they were going to have a dry land navy they might as well have a very impressive building. To say it looked like a ship would be a vast injustice to ships everywhere, it looked like a ship an architect would design. All flowing lines with way too many headpieces. The headpieces were all naked women. Siege blushed. Opie tried desperately not to look at them, but they had used the Miss Clemville finalists as models, so he was in a losing battle between hormones and embarrassment. The two disengaged and Siege fell into the shadows. Opie strolled purposefully towards the guards, well as purposefully as he could, his nerves were kicking in. He had read a lot of stories about dungeons and torture chambers, so every gory detail was running through this head. He was about to ask for a light when he remembered that he didn't have a cigarette. He was trapped. The guards had spotted him and were moving into a position to intercept him. He started to think hard. Siege was relying on him to distract them for a few seconds.
Tricks and Brain
"I still think we should go with the wagons and long stick thingy."
"Listen Brain I will only say this once more, but if you mention wagons and long stick thingies again I am going to brain you, no pun intended."
"So what makes you think your plan will work?"
"
Because it’s brilliant."
Brain wasn't sure about the whole brilliance of the idea. As far as he was concerned the only way to do things was with magic. His kind of magic, or rather clever devices that looked like they were magical.
"Run it by me again, I think while you were explaining it I was drinking tea and probably lapsed into a coma."
It wasn't the tea; it was the water in the tea. Tricks drank her tea made from water that came, by the barrel, from the Horn Mountain Spring. Brain had tea made from water that was best used for flushing the toilet; actually using it to flush the toilet would probably be a bad idea.
"It's brilliant in its simplicity. First we break into the palace, then I visit King Clement and tell him the only place he would be safe was out at sea. He will organise for the navy ship to be launched and with the plans for the launch in our hands we will know when to steal it. Brilliant and simple."
"Simple minded if you ask me."
"What was that? You are going to have to speak up if you want to tell me something. I can't stand mumblers."
"Nothing, let’s get on with it."
They walked a little way in silence. It was amazing how many people could recognise Tricks and Brain from a great distance. The fear that Tricks would want something from them or that Brain would try one of his patented ideas on them gave them very good eyesight. The two of them walked on in nearly deserted streets. Only the odd tourist was about, and being quite late on a Saturday night most of them had already been mugged and were safely in their high security hotel rooms. They arrived at the palace. It was brilliantly lit; the King was having a party. Actually the King had a party almost every night. It was another of his moneymaking schemes. He would invite the richest people in the kingdom and some of the noblest looking people from the Quick finger guild, all profits to be split eighty forty (That might not quite add up to a hundred percent, but the explanation is quite simple. Quick finger guild accounting). It worked very well. But it presented a problem for our questers. How to get in without raising to much fuss. Tricks was all for the direct approach. Beat up the guards and just walk in. Luckily two nobles, a man and a woman, rode past as she was explaining to Brain how she was going to beat the hell out of two hundred well trained guards.
"I think a better idea has just presented itself." he said, watching the young nobles.
He pointed to them. She looked and said "So?"
"We knock them out and steal their clothes and invitations and then waltz right in."
"Suppose it could work, but I still think my way would work better for the overall plan."
They accosted the young couple and stole their clothes and invitations. They tied them to the horses and then for good measure took their licences away. Slapping the horses so they would either run home or into the arms of the law, Tricks and Brain made their way to the party, now wearing what was considered fashion in Clemville.
"You know with a little string and some glue you could turn that dress into a decent kite."
"I don't care how clever you think this plan is, if this skirt blows up one more time I swear I will call this whole little quest off."
"Don't stress it Tricks, you have sexy legs."
Luckily his pants didn't hinder his running like the skirt was doing to Tricks. They arrived at the gate guards. They presented their passes and the guard took one look at the names on the invitations and said
"Hi Tricks, Brain, lose your invitations?"
Siege and Opie
Wide-eyed and terrified Opie walked towards trouble. Not going to give up an inch and allow Siege to get caught. His mind still blank on what he should do. Then the perfect opportunity presented itself. Someone had left a bottle in the gutter and as Opie stepped across the pavement, planting his size fifteens on the bottle, he did a complete summersault and landed on his face. It was such a classic move the guards burst out laughing. Using his acrobatic skills Opie had distracted the guards, Siege was in the clear. Truth be told, she had already entered the warehouse. Opie sat up; guards now surrounded him.
"Anyone got a smoke for me?" Opie asked dusting himself off.
After his performance all the guards offered him one. Only problem, they didn't have any.
"Damn it, where’s my smokes. Did anyone see if Siege walked past?" one asked.
Opie froze.
"Right, like we’re going to see that." another replied, with a chuckle.
Opie relaxed.
"I think I walked past her earlier." Opie said. "Or I wouldn't ask you fine fellows for one."
"Yeah, sweet kid. I think. Can't say as I remember what she looks like, nice kid though. Once I lost my riding licence, and she brought it back, not like some people in the quick fingers guild. They would have sold it as soon as look at it."
"I don't suppose any of you know where I can buy some cigarettes at this time of night." Opie asked, trying to distract them some more.
"Just round the corner, but it won't do you any good. Check, you'll find you don't have any money either."
"Of course." Opie said, plan foiled.
He had hoped that he could offer to buy them a drink, but if he produced cash they would know he had been lying about walking past Siege. Then one of them spoke and Opie’s blood ran cold.
"Tell you what, you seem like an honest fellow. Why don't we pop inside and ask the station commander to lend you a few coins, he should still be in his office."
Opie stammered, regained the use of his voice and said, "Only if it's no trouble." He thought and thought, but no cunning plan came to mind. He would have to enter the station and hope that Siege wasn't already caught.
Tricks and Brain
The guard was an old friend. They didn't get paid enough to drink in the part of town that they worked in. Instead they spent most of their free time in the Swill and Donkey. Derek Frazier was a part time regular at the Swill and Donkey, so Tricks and Brain didn't recognise him, but as they were full time regulars he recognised them.
"So," he said looking at the invitations again. "I will let you pass on one condition."
The two stood with baited breath. They needn't have worried.
"Please tell Guness that I'm a decent guy and could I please get service slightly higher on the ranking board?" (Ah the infamous 'Ranking Board'. Quite simple really: The more you tip the higher you go on the board. The higher you are on the board the quicker you are served. You can also climb the board by doing great deeds or incredibly stupid / funny things or you can know someone. Lord Earlington managed to get to the top of the board by trying to buy the pub. This qualified him for both the biggest tip in the history of the Swill and Donkey and doing an incredibly stupid and funny thing.)
"I will speak to him, see what we can do."
"Thanks, Tricks, well have a good night. Please don't disrupt the party too much." They said they would be as quiet as church mice. (The big vicious type that always threatens the landowner.)
They walked into the palace ballroom. They were announced, rather sceptically, by the maître d’, and then ushered inside. They were too late to be introduced personally to his Royal Highness King Clement and entourage, but they were in time to see the spectacular view. The ballroom was the largest domed structure in the land. It had been built fifty years ago when one of the nobles had lost a bet. (I believe it was over who could drink the most mead in one sitting, without toilet breaks or standing to stretch your legs. Rumour has it that it took three days and forty gallons of mead.) Giant pillars that looked remarkable like mead barrels stacked on top of each other supported the dome. They were made of the finest marble, mined at great expense, from the Horn Mountains. If you looked closely you could see the gold veins in them. The floor was made of wood, the likes of which hasn't been around for the last fifty years. That’s right; the wood was the famous singing forest of Everlon. (Legend has it that the famous talking forest of Everlon would sing to weary travellers as they passed through. Some said it was the most beautiful music
ever sung. No matter how tired you were you would suddenly find a new spring in your step or a skip in your heart. That was until it was cut down to make the floor for the ballroom. I heard they started with tone-deaf lumberjacks, and then started using musical lumberjacks, because the music increased production. I don't believe that though, as there are no musical lumberjacks.) The beautiful ballroom was nothing in comparison to the buffet tables that were set up. The most exotic foods in the entire world were sitting on the table. Things you had only ever heard about in legends. Like the Serpent sea eel, the most wondrous fish type thing in all the land. For King Clement’s table the eel was not enough, ho no, he had Serpent sea eel brains, served in five oyster sauce. (The eels were very small and stupid, so you can imagine just how small their brains were.) There were other wondrous things, like dragon teeth soup and yeti milk cheese, and of course the Kings favourite, unicorn on an open spit. However, our brave adventurers had no time to admire the delectable and exotic food, they were on a mission.
They started to make their way toward a large group of people. The king was bound to be in the middle of it all, telling bad jokes and boasting about his prowess. They were so intent on the king they didn't see the Kings own royal guards making their way towards them. These men were well trained and had strict orders to throw Tricks in the dungeon. Unfortunately for Tricks and Brain the captain of the guard was a very smart man. He knew he would never be able to take Tricks easily, so he had come up with a plan. He walked right past Tricks as if she wasn't there, and then spun on his heels and grabbed Brain from behind. He put the blade of his sword to his throat and said.
"If you don't come quietly I will be forced to kill your friend."
Tricks looked at the captain with a fierce fire burning in her eyes. Captain Jack Turner knew that if he ever met Tricks outside the royal grounds he was a dead man. Even so he stood his ground, though he couldn't meet her eyes.
"Come on Tricks, this is not a hard decision. A night in the dungeon or a dead friend?"
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking." Tricks said finally gaining control of her emotions. "Sorry Brain I can't see any way out, other than surrendering to these cowards. Do your worst you bunch of lily livered whossy boys."
Siege and Opie
Opie walked into the station. There was no sign of commotion. Still he held his breath. He looked around; there was no evidence that they had found Siege yet. He knew that he would be the only one that could see her, but try as he might he could not see her anywhere. He had no choice, he had to follow the guards into the station commanders office. He walked in and almost had a heart attack. Standing in plain view, and rifling through the file in the filing cabinet was Siege. As they walked in she turned and looked at them, then shrugged her shoulders and carried on going through the files. Opie was at a complete loss for words. No one seemed able to see her. He managed to get his mouth closed and pay just enough attention to the station commander to hear him say that he didn't have much money, but he could offer Opie a cigarette. Confused and dazed Opie said thanks. The station Commander felt in his pockets, but couldn't find his cigarettes. As calm as can be Siege felt through her pockets and found some cigarettes and placed them on the desk. The Commander saw them and gave one to Opie, who without thinking popped it in his mouth and accepted the offered match. Ten seconds of Opie coughing his lungs out sort of aroused the guard’s suspicions. When Siege started to pat him on his back, they finally saw her.
"What the hell are you doing here?" the commander asked. "Quick grab her while you still can." he shouted.
Opie tried bravely to help her, but to no avail. They were both caught. All Opie had succeeded in doing was getting them both caught.
"A pair of thieves, let’s see if we can find a nice spot in King C's dungeon for these two. Take them away, wait a second. Go through Siege’s clothes first. See if there is anything interesting in them?"
The guard and the Station commander had a really good night after that, what with all the great food and a couple of sisters of questionable virtue.
Siege, Tricks, Opie and Brain spent the night in the dungeon, along with half the population of Clemville. It was a Saturday night after all.
King Clement’s Dungeon
I have spent a little time as King Clement’s guest, so I know about his dungeon. It has many layers. The top level is for riff raff, which is where I spent my time. Not an altogether bad place. Three squares a day, running water, nice stone slab for a bed and pillow, covered in previously mentioned running water, loads of cockroaches and rats. Them being the three square meals I mentioned, if you count the tasty fungus on the walls. All in all I have spent time in worse. The only problem with that level is that if a torturer wants to see if one of his new methods work, he is liable to drag someone out and test it on them. It is just a big open dormitory, sort of like a processing area. You hang around until about lunchtime, and then they open the doors for about ten minutes and all those that want to are free to leave. This first level is kept for drunks and nuisances.
Level two is more like a traditional dungeon. Long dark corridor, small cells, the foul smell of decay and of course the screams of the unfortunate in the torture chamber at the end of the passage. I never spent much time there, but from what I saw it was really bad. This is where they keep thieves and other unserious crime type people. I believe there are ten levels, each one getting exponentially worse.
Somehow our four intrepid adventurers managed to get locked in the same cell on level two. It was just the five of them, the fifth being Short John Lead, well-known pirate school dropout. He was well-known because he was the first pirate wannabe to ever drop out of pirate school. The whole chopping people up and stealing their boats was too much for him. So he did what all dropouts do, he became a consultant. He could weigh up the risks of any planned jobs, as well as doing the finest cost to profit analogies around.
Our adventure could have ended right here, with our heroes locked up in prison for the next two months. Luckily they had Siege with them, but we will get to that a little later. I told you that this was a tale about luck, but I haven’t as yet gotten to what was lucky about it, well here goes. They were lucky that they were caught and chucked in a cell with Short John Lead. He knew where every available ship in the whole world was. There are other instances of luck, but I think you can find them for yourself. The best pieces of luck are still to come.
The four friends sat in the gloomy cell. They had hoped that they would have been put in level one, but the head jailer had taken one look at them and instantly put them on level two. He had been present at the great jail break, when Tricks had lead an army of drunks and nuisances makers out of the front gate twelve hours early. He didn't want a repeat of the same performance. So they sat in the gloom.
"What you folks in for?" Short John Lead asked, finally sitting up off the stone floor. He was a 'hard drunk', which basically meant he would cause too many problems to be allowed into the general population of level one.
"The usual." Brain replied, pointing at Tricks.
"Tricks up to her usual tricks then." The old pirate laughed heartily until he started coughing. Tricks was fuming, the indignity of being taken to the dungeon completely sober. She barely raised an eyebrow at the pirates joke.
"Let’s just say that I'm glad I'm not the captain of the guard. When Tricks gets out he's going to be in a deep pile of it and it’s gonna be mostly his own body parts." Brain said. "So, Opie how did you ‘wined’ up in here?" not too sure where his pun was going. Opie explained how they had gotten caught, but left out the bit about how they had swapped roles in the caper.
"Oh, well. It was bound to happen. We should have used the wagon and long stick thingy that I was thinking of."
"Enough Brain!" Tricks said coming out of her gloom finally. "We are here without a ship. Our prospects of escape are very low. So I don't want any lip from you."
"I know were you can get a ship, but as for the getting out part..."
Short John Lead said his words petering out into another coughing fit.
"I think I have a way out." Siege said rifling through her pocket. "I seem to have picked up some keys along the way."
"That's great, Siege. So tell us John, where can we find this ship?" Brain asked.
"You get me out and I'll tell you."
"Siege, get to work. Let’s get out of here." Tricks said, "We have a quest to finish."
Getting out was easy after they had established they had the keys. The only problem they encountered was the gateposts. Sending Siege ahead easily solved this; she would walk past the guards and then whistle. The guards would turn to see what the noise was and then the other three would pounce on them. Truth is Tricks did most of the pouncing, Brain and Opie were quite capable of their fair share of pouncing, but they left it mostly up to Tricks, as she needed to vent a little steam. The others decided it would be prudent to let her vent her frustration on the guards rather than take it out on them later. In no time at all they were standing on the street.
“We got you out, so where can we find a ship?” Tricks asked Short John Lead.
“In four days one of the best ships will be ready to sail. Only problem is it belongs to Vernon The Vindictive. The work crew said it would only be ready in a week, so he will be drinking until then. I know for a fact that it will be ready sooner, so if you play your cards right you should be able to ‘borrow’ it while he’s drunk. Second problem is that it’s in the Town with No Name. The third problem is if he catches you it will be a fate worse than death.” He started an evil chuckle, that turned into an evil cough, and then deteriorated into a plain coughing fit. When he finally regained control of his voice he said: “Well good luck, if you want to make it in time you will have to leave now, it’s about four days ride from here.”
(I bring this chapter to a close with a bit of information. Distance in Knothear is measured in DW, DR, DS and DF or Days Walk, Days Ride, Days Sailing and Days Flight respectively. This is a rough guide to distance. One DW can be anything from five miles to forty kilometres, depending on who tells you. I.e. an old man says that the castle is 10DW’s he means it will take him ten days to walk there. However a young fit man will say the same distance is 3DW’s and a well know bragger will say the castle is only 1.3DW’s away. So if you start adding up distances and for some reason it turns out that it took someone four days at full gallop on a horse to go the grand distance of two and a half miles remember that distance in Knothear is subjective. I.e. the horse was lame and the rider was actually carrying it the distance. Plus it helps me avoid all those nasty adding up things.)