Chapter 4
The Kingdom of Cray
Things were hotting up on Crustation. It was turning into one of those battles that your granddad would talk about. Something like, 'in my day we had real battles, not like those pussy footed arguments you young folk seem to enjoy. I remember when...' At about that point his incontinence would flare up or someone would stuff a sweet bun in his mouth. So we’re not one hundred percent sure what the old battles were really like, the official documentation for the battles is always a bit vague, things like 'Bloody great battle', 'Fantastic fight', 'We really showed them, man was that ever fun' etc. Anyway this was turning into one of those. They were still a week away from jumping the walls, but the kings had arrived to partake in the festivities.
War was big business on Crustation. The towns-folk had arrived in their droves bringing food and drink enough for an army. With the towns-folk came all the trades. Bakers, carpenters, fortunetellers, smiths of all kinds, circus folk, wizards and a host of other services too numerous to mention. The carpenters were busy vying for position on the battlefield. They had to get close to the action or no one would buy their seats, but too close and they could lose paying customers and their reputations, at least until the next battle. The circuses were setting up a little way from the actual battleground. There were many types, some with clowns and trapeze artist, others with animals and some even recreated battles of past eras, but with humorous under tones. The smell of cooking food hung heavy in the air. The laughter of children could be heard across the battlefield. The kids started early. They used wooden homemade weapons or, if their folks were rich enough, exact replicas of past ‘great weapons’ and attacked each other across the white line, keeping up the islands warring traditions. Medics were on permanent stand by and mothers constantly shout that they could poke an eye out with those things, so aim higher.
The King was greeted with his normal fanfare. Well the normal fanfare he received during a war, which was loud cheering and happy ovations, not like the stuff he got during normal times, the shouts, curses and rotten fruit. This was a time of war and the people really appreciated it. He walked up to the podium and stood facing his people. The noise from the children’s mock battle, the saws of the carpenters, the laughter from the tents and the voices of ten thousand people became silent. The king cleared his throat.
"Too long have we suffered the indignity of the lobster eaters believing their half rate product is better than our beautiful Crayfish."
He pointed out to the field.
"Even now I can smell their foul crustaceans."
He spat on the floor for emphasis.
“I have written the most scathing letter ever written, to those filthy lobster eaters. You can get a copy from the scribes if you want to read how scathing it was."
A pale book-wormy guy stood up and pointed out the directions of the various scribe booths, he sat down again and rubbed his hands in glee. After all, he had worked hard to win this lucrative contract, and now it was about to pay off.
"I have just received a response to that letter and let me tell you it was pathetic compared to mine."
The scribes were busy rewriting it to sound pathetic.
"That too can be bought from the scribes.”
The man jumped up and pointed again.
"Next Friday we will destroy them."
There was a gasp from the crowd, nearly a week of partying and money making, it truly was going to be one of the all-time great battles. The king stepped off his podium and the crowd went mad, cheering and clapping like he was a superstar. The cheers from the kingdom of Lob could not be heard over Cray’s cheering, but they were equally loud.
In a retrograde orbit around Knothear
Humphrey was very unhappy. He had called all his friends, but they had merely laughed at him. He was starting to get desperate. He had spoken to planets before, but it had always ended in disaster. The planets mostly treated him like a child, mocking him and generally being unfriendly, but none of them had ever eaten him before. On a technical level he knew that planets quite often ate his kind, that was how they grew, but he never thought it would happen to him. He squinted down at the looming planet below. He knew he should have changed the prescription on his glasses millennia ago, but he thought he would have time. Now he was drifting in and he couldn't see who it was. It took a while, but he managed to make out some features. It was Knothear. He had learnt about her at school, as far as he could remember she had little pink things running around on her, but he couldn't remember why that was important, the important thing was that she was friendly. He put in a call.
"Good day, and welcome to Knothear’s computer operated answering service. This is a recording. All conversations will be recorded to help us bring you a better service. Please press 1 if you are a god wishing to create a new animal. Please press 2 if you are a god waiting for planning permission to build a new volcano. Please press 3 if you are a god looking to dry up a lake. Please press 4 if you...Please press 473 if you require bigger gold deposits. Please press 474 if you require smaller gold deposits. Please press 475 if you...Please press 7392 if you want to frighten small children. Please press 7393 if you want to hide under a bed. Please press 7394 if you...Please press 83726534892 if you are an asteroid about to collide with the surface. "
Finally, he started to punch in the number, but it was quite big and he had forgotten what it was by the time he got to the seventh digit. So he scratched around for a piece of paper and pen and started listening to the messages again. He finally got through.
"So you are about to crash into me?" a sweet feminine voice asked.
"Um, well, yes. Yes, is that Knothear?" he asked.
"Why yes dear, and what is your name?"
"Humphrey." He remembered his manners. "Humphrey ma'am."
"Okay Humphrey, what can I do for you?"
"Well ma'am, I seem to be falling into you and I would really appreciate it if..."
"Sorry dear, that’s the other line. You hang in there for a century of two and I'll be right back." And then she was gone.
'Century or two indeed,' he thought 'I’ll be lucky if I have a few weeks'
The Great Desert
General Killem was happily sitting in his tent. The hot sun was beating down, but it wasn't affecting him. He had an ‘incredible colding the air box and combination ice making machine’. So while he sat in the lap of luxury, his men scurried around in the baking sun trying to catch lizards and other interesting meals. One guy even managed to catch a whole banquet, but his friends thought that eating sand was not such a hot idea and maybe he should sit in the shade for a while.
The great (only in his and the kings eyes) general had a sip of ice-cold water and looked around at his men. He smiled, it was good to put your men at ease. (If you called standing at parade ground attention, in the hot sun while a maniac smiled at you while sipping cold spring water, when the last thing you drank was five days ago and it was your own urine, at ease, then Killem was really putting these people at ease.)
"I think that we should break camp tonight and head towards the swamp."
They had been wondering around the desert for so long that they almost cheered at this remark. Swamp monsters, leeches and the oppressive humidity would be a welcome change. Only the fact that they were facing General Killem prevented them from cheering.
"If we travel at night, it will be easier on the men."
A very un-Killem remark. The last thing on his mind was normally his men. They were starting to worry about his sanity, but that had never really been a concern, he was a nut plain and simple.
"Yes we will head east, this new compass thingy will show us the way."
Yup he had lost it. They would be heading parallel to the swamp, possibly moving further away from it. One of the men had obviously been in the sun too long.
He cleared his throat and said, "Sir, that is moving away from the swamp."
Killem chucked his i
ce cold water in the man’s face, and shouted for the torturers. During the last painful days of his life the man still thought it was worth it. The ice water thing, not the torture thing.
That Nameless Town
They rode into town on a high, which disappeared as quickly as a Sister of Questionable Virtue when she finds out your money is finished. The first thing that attacked them was a mangy rabid dog, closely followed by its mangy rabid owner, and then its mangy rabid fleas. The dog and owner were easily disposed of, the fleas hung around for the rest of their stay. That was the high point of their visit. To say that it went downhill from then would be an understatement, more like down mountain or off cliff, something more dramatic. They say the sun never sets in the town with no name, it sort of falls out of the sky, if you see it at all. The smog and pollution in the air leaves the place very grey. The only time it is reasonably clean is when a hurricane is blowing in off the sea. When our four intrepid travelers arrived, the storm had passed and the pollution hadn't quite taken hold yet. (It was working itself into a frenzy, preparing to blitz the town the next day.) The travelers decided to find somewhere to stay. The pleasant afternoon suddenly turned into night and all the creatures that inhabited that realm instantly appeared. Tricks used all her skill and soon they were at the front door of the Oak Barricade Inn.
A huge wooded door greeted them, they were a little startled by it, but then a flap opened and was filled with a huge head that demanded to know their business. They asked for room and board and showed some money. The head said that they were welcome to come in. The flap closed and the door opened. Behind it stood a stool and a really short man with a giant head. They stared for a few seconds, and the man shrugged and said:
"You should see my twin brother, he got my body."
No sooner said and his brother arrived. Almost eight feet tall, but with a tiny little head.
"No, you got my head."
The acoustics were a little weird, such a deep booming voice from such a tiny mouth. The two started to argue, so Tricks butted in.
"Very interesting, but do you have room for us?"
"We always have room for paying customers." the short one said. "You won't find a safer place in all of...in this town." He walked them into the main entrance. The giant took the horses; he carried them one by one up the stairs and up to the second floor stables.
The entrance hall was designed exactly as you would expect, if you thought about it for a while. (Don't worry, I will describe it. Feel free to make notes, or tick off the items you got right, I will leave little brackets with points so you can mark as you go. Add up you score at the end and see what kind of reader you are.)
Dark wood reception desk (1) in two levels, one side five feet high, the other two feet high (3). Gold plated name wedges (1) one saying 'reception' the other saying 'See reception' (3). A brass bell (1) with a small badly written note saying 'Ring the bell and we will grind your bones to make our bread (5). Wall paper (1) with a paisley pattern (4), really big at the bottom, really small at the top (8). Two wooden chairs (1) one large, one little (1). A Bacarra rug (1) made during the heroin chic period (10) in bright pink (5). Dead body in the corner (5), In the shape of a loaf of bread (10). (So how did you do. Here is the scoring: 0 - Brain dead. Put this parchment down and go get a new brain. 1-9 -unconscious, try waking up, stories are best told to people that don't snore quite so loud. 11-20 -Barely awake, all the clues are there, but I suggest that you go back to the beginning and try reading with a little more thought. 21-30 - awake but not paying too much attention to detail, I suggest you knuckle down and start reading like you mean it. 31-40 - A pass, nice work, it wouldn't hurt to pay a little more attention to detail; you might miss a vital clue. 41-50 - Very good, was it the bread shaped body that got you, never mind, you are a first rate reader, the kind of person I want, really sucking the marrow out of the story. 51-60 - Bloody liar.)
The short man walked behind the desk and filled in the registration form in triplicate, handed them a copy and then carefully deposited their money in a safe. He walked them through to the dining room and suggested the nice fresh bread and soup. The travelers said the soup would be fine, but he could hold the bread.
They ate in silence. When they were finished the giant joined them.
"So where you going?" the big guy asked.
"Perhaps you can help?" Opie asked. "We are looking for a ship. We want to go to The Kingdom of Nad."
"Most ships have sailed." the smaller man said. (I really should give these guys names. How about Sam and Greg, Sam the small and Greg the giant. Sam’s right, but pronounce Greg Jeg. Much better.) "I saw one being repaired, but it belongs to the notorious pirate, Slappy the slayer or something."
"Vernon The Vindictive." Greg said. (Remember pronounced Jeg, actually this is getting really weird, let’s call him Jeg.)
"He makes sails from the people he skins." Jeg (Ah much better.) continued.
"That is truly gross." Siege piped up. "I don't think I want to sail with someone like that."
"We are not going to sail with him." Tricks said rather forcefully. "We are going to st..." She shut up. (She was going to say 'steal' for those of you that scored below 30. Luckily for her, Sam and Jeg scored in the 10 region.)
"What was that?" Brain asked. (Although he thought he scored in the neighborhood of 76, I'm guessing he scored about 2.)
"Nothing Brain. Let’s get to bed we have a long day tomorrow."
"I'm not really tied." Opie said. "I think I will sit by the fire for a while."
"Me neither." Siege said stifling a yawn. "Maybe I'll sit up as well."
"Suit yourselves, but I'm knackered." Brain said catching Siege's yawn.
Brain and Tricks went to bed, separately, even though he tried one on, Tricks merely showed him her sword and suggested if he slipped into her bed he might find it sleeping next to her. They had a nice quiet night. Near the fire things were a little different. Opie and Siege sat together in front of the fire. They sat in silence, watching the fire flicker and crackle. Opie finally picked up the courage to kiss her, but as he turned towards her he saw that she was fast asleep. He sighed and joined her. The next morning they were both very stiff, on top of that Brain and Tricks teased them mercilessly.
After breakfast they paid for another night and walked around the town. They were tired of always waiting while Brain climbed back on his horse, and it would be harder for him to fall off his own two legs, although he did manage it a few times. If only he would look down when he walked, he would probably have seen that open manhole. Which, surprisingly, turned into a bit of good luck, which we will get to later. Tricks was quite happy to leave him down in the sewer, but Opie and Siege insisted that they get him out. Two hours and a piece of rope later they were back at the Inn having a quick bath and then were finally back on the road. They made their way to the harbor, and as promised it was deserted. All but the one lone ship, moored at a dock. It had been repaired a few days earlier. The work men were admiring their handy work and the foreman was starting to make his way to where his boss and the pirate Vernon The Vindictive were drinking. Tricks stopped him in the street.
"Beautiful looking boat." she said.
"Not too bad if you like the whole pirate thing." he replied.
A little more idle chatter and the man said he had to go and see the owner to tell him his ship was ready.
"Mind if we tag along?" she asked. "We could do with a stiff drink."
"Some armed guards might be nice." he said looking Tricks up and down. "Maybe I will be able to hold onto my money then."
Opie and Brain giggled, then laughed, then held their sides. They stopped when Siege hit them on the back of their heads. They both apologized and had to run after Tricks. (We now run into a little piece of bad luck.) Vernon The Vindictive was nowhere to be found, which meant that he couldn't pay for his repair work. Which meant that 'Lushish Linda', Vernon’s ship, now had armed guards around it, and they would stay
until the work had been paid for. 'Binghams repairim while you drinkim' had lost enough money when the owner merely stole back his ship without paying, that they were not going to allow it to happen again.
The four decided that they would stop off in a pub and have a few pints, and discuss their strategy. They found what they assumed was an okay pub. It was the best they had walk past so far, besides their feet were getting sore. The patrons lying outside hardly moved as our band of heroes walked all over them. They found a decent enough spot. After turfing out the present occupants, completely disinfecting the benches and table with stuff they had found in Sieges pockets, (turns out that there are a lot of people walking around ‘The place that looks like a city but could be mistaken for a sewer pit with no name’ with disinfectant and paper towels.) they sat down and ordered some strong ales. They sat in gloom for a few minutes, each wondering about their own problems.
"It's just a minor setback." Siege said after they had wallowed in their misery for two ales each. "I was never really happy with the whole sailing with pirates thing anyway."
"We weren't going to sail with the pirates; we were going to steal their ship." Tricks said taking a swig of her third ale.
"I think I like that idea even less." Siege said, "Do you know what would happen if we got caught, not to mention that none of us can sail a boat."
"No prob there." Brain said starting his fourth, and completely forgetting that he was the closest to Siege. "I mean how hard can it be? It has a steering wheel and no bloody horses. Yep, that’s the way it should be, now if only I could perfect the whole incredible horseless carriage thing, then I wouldn't have to worry about getting seasick."
"You get seasick?" Opie and Siege asked simultaneously, apparently Tricks already knew.
"Hey, don't be like that, it's not a fault, more a challenge. I studied it and it turns out the more brilliant you are the more likely it is for you to get seasick. It has to do with brain capacity and salt air, like when you put copper into..."
"Thanks Brain, but how does this help us get to Nad?" Tricks’ statement brought them back into the doldrums, even a few more ales couldn't pull them out.
The only one sober when it happened was Siege, Tricks might claim that she was sober, but I repeat my first statement, the only one sober when it happened was Siege.
The army of cutthroats appeared out of nowhere. Sacks at the ready they had bundled up our heroes and dragged them off to a secret lair before anyone knew what had happened. Buckets of cold water and the cursing of forty really bad men had them awake in no time. Tricks was the first awake. She shook her head to clear it and then decided that it would probably be a good idea if she didn't do that again. She could feel a lump starting to form on the back of her head and the world was a little blurry. She could make out some figures arguing in front of her, but couldn't tell who they were. Her hands were tied behind her back, and she was sitting on a chair. She tried to stand, but discovered that she was in fact tied to the chair, which was bolted to the floor. Add to this the fact that she had started to itch, you can guess how pissed off she was. The next to wake was Brain.
After shaking his head and wincing he said: "What a great party. I can't remember a thing, in fact I can't even move. What happened after that little pub? Is Siege around, I seem to be blind, I'm sure she'll remember."
He would have said more, but the world was slowly materializing around him. All he managed was an 'Oh'. Siege and Opie woke up a few minutes later. After a few more minutes the arguing stopped and a man walked up to Brain.
"Are you in charge?" Halitosis breath asked.
"Unofficially, we haven't really voted on it or anything. Maybe if you untied our hands we could have a vote or Ouch. That really hurt. Listen if you keep hitting me I might just...ouch. That really is...ouch. Do you...ouch."
Brain really wasn't taking the hint. He would probably have gone on all day if Tricks hadn't spoken up.
"Leave him alone. I'm in charge and you would do well to watch who you hit."
"You are in no position to make demands." the man said. "I'm Hector Vedor. You are my captors."
Opie giggled, the others didn't catch Hectors faux par. "You think this is a big joke." he said to Opie.
Opie tried to hide his huge grin.
"Well you will be laughing out of the last side of your end..."
Opie couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing. Brain took this moment to say something really stupid.
"When I get my share of the treasure I'm going to hire King Clements torture chamber just for you guys."
"What treasure Brain?" Tricks quickly said, hoping that Brain would come back with some smart reply like 'The treasure I will get for selling some great invention' or other. Instead he replied:
"You know the one from that old thief guy."
It was too late the Cutthroat ex-highway man pounced.
"Now we know for sure there is a treasure. Give us the map and we will let you go." Hector said, all smiles.
Opie took this opportunity to share some information. "Actually there is no map."
"Liar!" Hector screamed into his face. (It is a little known fact that all highway men have extreme halitosis. Hector was no exception. In fact his was so bad it made Opie turn away and gag.)
"Ha," Hector continued, "look at his face, you can see that he is lying."
He went on butchering classic sayings. (How he came up with 'Liar, liar, bonfire on fire' is beyond me, and a 'gathering liar rolls no stones' is beyond even the great thinkers,[or as we like to call them Old men on the tops of mountains that are so hard to get to, that you needn't even bother making the trip, because by the time you get there you would have probably forgotten what you wanted to ask them in the first place and then you have to come all the way down again and only when you get to the bottom would you remember, unless you were researching a story and you wrote everything down and asked a young fit man to run up the mountain for you, but they still can't answer your question so you tear at your hair and curse the two gold crowns that you wasted on the fit young man, knowing that the money could have been better spent on a fit young woman or Sister of Questionable Virtue] of our time.)
At this point it might be a good idea if I squash a few implied implications. If you had been paying attention to the last paragraph you would have guessed that Siege was tied up with the others, however if you had been paying attention to story as a whole you would have realized that very few people can see Siege, let alone catch her. Well it is time to clear a little misconception up. When one of Hector’s men hit Tricks on the back of the head, it was a glancing blow, the club flew out of his hand and hit Siege on the forehead, knocking her out and sending her spewing to the floor. She then woke at the same time as Opie, as I told you earlier, but she was still on the pub floor. So while Opie was getting beaten up, while laughing his head off, Siege was trying to find where her friends were. So we come to another point of blind luck. Hector is really losing it, map or no map he is about to kill Opie, when that doesn't help him get the map he will kill Tricks and of course Brain has no clue on what is going on at all, which will leave Siege by herself in a strange city, with a band of evil horsemen just arriving in the city. It looked like my story was about to end. It was at this desperate hour that one person no one ever sees bumped into another person no one sees.
"Excuse me, ma'am." he said politely, tipping his cowl at her, quite confident that she wouldn't see or hear him.
"No problem." she replied, feeling very heavy on her left side.
Reaching into her pocket she pulled out a large, leather bound book. It had the day’s date on it and 'COLLECTIONS' written in bold black letters. It automatically opened onto the page marked next ten collections and there at the top of the page it said two names that made her blood run cold. 'Mister Opie Jnr.' and 'Brain O'Shaunase', there was a third name between those two, but I would probably die if I ever repeated it, needless to say Siege didn't recognize it
, but felt sure it was Tricks.
"I'll be taking that back now, miss." the cowled man said, his boney fingers starting to protrude from his sleeve.
Siege had no time to think about consequences, she handed the book over. (There has been a lot of speculating about this next bit, some believe it would have been impossible, others that she would have been easily caught, and still others, wanting to know exactly how it was accomplished so they could do the same. This is what I know.) She passed the book almost into his hands, at the last second she sneezed and dropped the book, mumbling an apology she bent over and started to retrieve the book from the ground with her right hand, at the same time she was putting a piece of paper in her pocket with her left hand. The book got back to its rightful owner, with a bit of a mud stain and missing a page. As the cowled man walked away, Siege could swear that she heard him chuckle, and then he was gone. She carefully took the page out of her pocket and read it. Next to the three names was an address. All she had to do was find the place and rescue her friends.
Changing fate always needs some help. It is not a simple matter. At the moment Siege was stealing the page, Hector was moving his knife to cut Opie’s throat. The fates were at a party when they got the call that something had gone wrong and could they please clean up the mess. After some foul language they came up with a simple solution, but because they were slightly wasted it wasn't the most perfect plan they could have come up with, but it worked well for our heroes. One minute Hector Vedor was about to cut Opie’s throat, and the next minute he was standing in the desert in the middle of General Killem's army. There were a few seconds of confusion and the cutthroats were running out of the building screaming. This made it easier for Siege to find the place and free her friends. On the walk back to the inn she tried to tell them about how she had stolen the page from Death himself, but only Opie paid any attention. Brain was too caught up in his own thoughts about making an automatic rope untier and Tricks was thinking about what she was going to do to the cutthroats if she found any. They were each so caught up in their own thoughts that they didn't notice that they had strayed into the really bad part of town and a bunch of evil horsemen were coming down on them. However they hit a spot of the good stuff, luck that is.
They passed a pub and saw someone they recognized. Short John Lead. So they went and said hello, but he just looked at them as if he had never seen them before. Which he hadn’t, because it wasn’t Short John Lead. It was in fact his identical bother (notice I left out the word twin) Medium Paul Tin. (Guess the name of the third triplet… That’s right, Large Greg Copper.) It took the four treasure hunters quite some time to figure this out. (By now you should have realized that they don’t meet one of the Metal Brothers for nothing. This was no exception.)
Even though they knew that Medium Paul Tin was not Short John Lead they couldn’t leave, as they had ordered drinks and as yet hadn’t paid for them, and establishments such as this looked down on that. So while they waited for the ales and something with an umbrella, they made small talk with the old haggard man, who’s table they were using.
“So, heard from your brother recently?” Opie tried, the gloomy silence starting to encroach on their party.
“Ay,” the man replied, “Twas not short of fort-ay yer begon.”
“Oh.” someone replied, they allowed the silence another opportunity to grab a foot hold. Then the drinks arrived.
“Sorry,” the sexy young waitress said, (when I say sexy and young I mean she could still have children and you didn’t feel too sick to the stomach when you looked at her.) “They couldn’t find an umbrella, so they put a sail in it.”
Siege said that was fine and then didn’t touch the drink, but Medium Paul Tin thought it was the best drink he had had all week, I think that is maybe, what the hell he said, “Aye, Arg, Ah” between sips.
Tricks tried next.
“Any chance you know how we can get a ship?”
“Nye,” he replied, “Me’s a wirld class drinker, I is.”
“Oh.”
“That be ta fella ya’ll looks fir.” He pointed to a man lying on the floor. “He’ll sto yer cross ta deep. There tis none by his self Vernon The Vindictive, pirate en no good scourge.”
Tricks walked over to the man lying in a disgusting pool of something and kicked him. He didn’t move, so she kicked him harder, same result. She walked back to the others and sat down.
“He will probably be out till tomorrow.” she said. "Which means we will have to steal his ship tonight.”
The sun took this opportunity to disappear. It hadn’t been gone for more then two minutes when a minor hurricane arrived. After causing some minor wind damage it settled down into a happy pattern of simple bucketing down. The four would-be boat thieves made their unhappy way out into the downpour. The one good thing about the downpour was that it kept the riff-raff at home. It didn’t take them long to get to the Oak Barricade Inn. (The fates might have been completely drunk when they changed Hector into a desert soldier, but they were completely sober when they pulled this next stunt.) The evil horsemen were staying at Oak Barricade Inn. So you can imagine the surprise that sprung up when our heroes walked into the dining room. (The surprise was so great that people 10DW’s away stood with their mouths open and stared.) Time seemed to stand still, the only sound was the ticking of the clock, so obviously time wasn’t standing at all, more like it was sitting down with its legs up sucking on a pipe and reading a good book. Someone cleared their throat, then coughed and finally said
“Can we be getting you some supper then?” It was Sam the small. Jeg the giant walked into the middle of the room, with a really big ax and just stood there. As calm as anything Brain put his hand on Tricks’ shoulder and gently steered her towards a table, the other two followed, they sat down and had a leisurely supper. The horsemen finally left and went back to their rooms.
“That was a bit tense.” Opie said when they were finally alone.
“If we let people like that bully us around we won’t get anywhere on this quest.” Tricks said. “Why don’t we pop upstairs and bump them off in their sleep.”
“I’m not sure I could do that.” Siege said.
“Yeah, I don’t think they will be sleeping much tonight.” Opie continued. “Probably waiting for us. What’s wrong Brain? You seem very quiet.”
“I was just thinking. Where do sewer drains go?” Brain replied. “If they are anything like Clemville’s they would empty into the harbor.”
“Good thinking Brain.” Tricks said. “We could kill them and dump them in the sewer you found this morning.”
“Not exactly what I was thinking. I would hate to take on twenty well trained men, especially with small headed guy around.”
“Perish the thought.” Opie said. “I’m sure that guy could take even Tricks.”
“He’s all muscle and fighting is about skill.” Tricks replied pulling out a short sword from somewhere and deftly chopping the top inch off a candle. To reinforce her demonstration of skill she flicked the chopped off bit into the air and cut it in half again. Still lit the candle landed where it had started. Siege and Opie clapped. Brain said:
“What I was trying to say was that we could go down into the sewer and make our way to the harbor and steal the ship. No one will see us coming.”
“In the sewer. Are you nuts? I would rather take on the army of guards protecting it then walk through that filth.” Tricks said. “Do you know how bad you smelt when we got you out of there? Let me tell you it wasn’t pretty. You expect Siege to walk through that? The rest of us could take it, but she would need forty million baths.”
“You trying to say that you would go through if I could make a plan for Siege?” Brain asked.
“Sure.” Tricks said not seeing the trap, but thinking there was no way Siege would ever walk through raw sewage.
“That's great. So Siege walks out in plain sight, as no one will see her anyway and...That wasn't very lady-like Tricks."
She had just used some language that would make a sailor blush. "Like I was saying, Siege distracts the guards and we hop on board. Next thing you know we're sailing the high seas."
"That's all good and well, but do any of you know how to sail?" Opie asked.
"Oh please," Brain said after everyone had shaken their heads. "How hard can it be? Pirates do it and they aren’t exactly known for their brain power. I recon I could sail it with both hands tied behind my back." (Very prophetic words.)
After a few more minutes of arguing they decided they would give Brain’s idea a go. It had nothing to do with the sounds of sword sharpening coming from above. They quietly packed up their stuff and headed for the door. One peak out of it confirmed their fears that the horsemen were going to attack at any moment. They were standing on either side of the door three deep, each with swords in their hands and blood in their eyes. Siege slipped back in and relayed this information.
"Only one thing for it." Tricks said drawing her sword. "We will have to fight our way out. Me first." Opie grabbed her arm.
"Maybe we could try the window?" he said, pointing at the two large windows that you could easily ride a horse through. Tricks just grunted and headed towards it. The second Brain started to open the window there was a loud knock on the door. They turned as one, weapons ready. (This happens all across the universe. The second you decide to leave a hotel without paying, the manager suddenly appears. Some say it is just coincidence, others that they have secret cameras, but most believe that managers have a magic sixth sense called 'bailing sight'.)
"I've just brought you some fresh towels." Sam the small shouted through the door. Tricks wasn't ready to believe that.
"It's a trick." she whispered. "He's in on it. Let’s open the door and teach him a lesson."
"Don't be silly, he might have Jeg with him."
"So?" Tricks said, not quite as confidently as she would have liked.
"I have an idea." Siege said. She raised her voice. "We are just popping out for some fresh air, not to worry I have left some money on the bed, and can you look after our horses?" The others stared at her. Not because of what she said, that made complete sense, but because she had raised her voice. None of them had ever heard Siege speak so loudly. Into the stunned silence that followed, Sam said that he hoped they had enjoyed their stay and would come again, and could they please leave a few extra coins for horse feed. Siege felt through her pockets and added the rest of the money she found to the pile.
"Thanks again for staying at Oak Barricade Inn." Sam said counting the clicks of the money as it hit the bed. (Another ability of hotel managers.)
With the bill settled, the four slipped out the window and into the night. From an upstairs window the leader of the horsemen watched them go and chuckled to himself.
Siege had no problems getting to the dock. She sat and waited for the others, sipping on a hot chocolate she had found.
The other three entered the sewage system of the dirtiest, most disgusting, vile city that ever graced civilization. For all that, it wasn't as bad as they expected. For one, most people used the street for their sewage disposal, and for another the constant rain found its way into it, rain loves cold damp areas, and the sewer was that. The three climbed down into the darkness, climbed back out and went looking for a lantern. Lantern procured they tried again. The sewer system of the City without a name is quite a place, but first you have to disregard the fact that five percent of the city use it for its intended purpose and secondly that you have to wade ankle deep in it, not to mention the fact that sometimes you are going to end up having to swim, with the rats and other interesting things science hasn't named yet. That aside it is quite beautiful, for a sewer. It was constructed before the gods decided that the town without a name would be a great place to pull a few pranks. The beautiful stone work was visible in a few places, but the rest of the walls were like huge canvases, beautiful murals were painted on them. Paintings of mythical battles and beautiful women, Dragons and heroes and all the strange and wonderful creatures of Knothear. The heroes stood in awe for a few minutes staring at the wonder of the place. Then the smell caught up to them and they continued their journey.
"I really have to come back and study this place." Opie said as they marched on. "I can't believe that such a magnificent place has not been catalogued."
"I wouldn't be so sure of that." Tricks said shining the light on a group of skeletons lying in the water, clipboards still clutched in their boney fingers. "Let’s move on before we catch the same fate."
"Looks like something ate them." Brain said. "You can see teeth marks on the bones."
"Probably rats." Tricks replied, wading ahead and discovering the first pothole. After Tricks had finished cursing Brain for his stupid idea in a language neither of them understood, but got the meaning quite clearly, they continued. Only this time the two men took point.
"Must be bloody big rats to leave those teeth marks." Brain whispered to Opie, forgetting about Tricks' incredible hearing. "Man sized would be my guess." Very quietly Tricks swapped the lantern to her left hand and drew her short sword. Opie's response to the statement was to start telling stories he had read about cannibals. They all swore that their goose bumps were from the cold. They found the main sewer canal soon after that. It was ten times more impressive than the tributary they had been walking in, but more importantly it had sidewalks on either side with the sewage running down the middle. As they had each taken a turn at falling into potholes they were completely soaked. The dry land was such a welcome surprise that they let out a 'whoop' of delight. They were slightly taken back when it was returned, Opie started to explain echoes when a voice said:
"Welcome to hell." In front and behind them shadows materialized into men, which turned into evil horsemen. "About that treasure map.” their leader said cleaning his nails on his sword.
Unaware of what was going on underground, Siege started to munch a sandwich.
(I thought I would take this opportunity to explain the sewer system, it will make the next paragraph seem more plausible. [As if we need a little plausibility in this story.] It was built centuries ago by an eccentric king; his name was stolen by the mist of time. He had bet his kingdom with his neighbor that he could build the greatest city ever. Just after the completion of the sewer system war had broken out and work was abandoned for a few years. When the workmen returned they found the sewer teaming with the dregs of society. They were cleaning them out when one of the men was bitten and got rabies. Ever conscious of his men’s well-being, the king abandoned the city and took over his neighbor’s kingdom by force. He then sealed the town off and proclaimed it unsafe for human habitation, but you know what people are like, they see an un-crossable line and have to go investigate. So it grew into the cesspool it is today. However the dregs that lived in the sewer bred and their descendants still live there.)
The leader of the evil horsemen took one step forward when a horde of pale human like creatures pounced on them to shouts of 'meat meat meat'. The evil horsemen had found an easier way into the tunnels, so had not stepped into any potholes, they hadn't even gotten wet. So while the horsemen were dragged away to grace someone’s dinner table or dry eating area, our heroes were left untouched. (When you live in a sewer, anything that doesn't smell like raw sewage has to taste good.) Thirty seconds later the three were all alone.
"That was interesting." Brain said.
"Quite." Opie said
"Shall we go?" Tricks asked.
The rest of the trip was uneventful, apart from Opie stepping on a loose brick and falling into the canal, the eventful bit was that as he fell he used Brain to steady himself, who in turn used Tricks and all three of them got re-soaked. After that they didn't stand too close to each other. They finally found the dock and as luck is still the point of this story, the exit was right next to the ship they were going to steal.
As discussed earlier, Opie whistled to let Siege know they were in position and she
could start creating a diversion. Opie whistled the mating call of the green toed wobbler with some rather unexpected results. (The green toed wobbler is well known for its beauty in both song and plumage in Clemville, but in The Village of nameless ‘ville it is well known for its good eating.) The next thing they knew sailors, workmen and other interesting people were pitching up asking if they had seen a large red and yellow bird. They pointed further down the dock. With all the people out on the hunt, it was no longer necessary to create a diversion. In no time at all, the dockyard was completely abandoned. Tricks hit Brain across the back of his head.
"What was that for?" He asked rubbing the back of his head.
"For making me walk through raw sewage, when what we needed was a bird call." So they climbed aboard and cast off. The current and retreating tide pulling them out to sea.
I finish off this chapter on a high note. Our heroes are sailing off into the sun rise, the evil horsemen and cutthroat highwaymen are taken care of and a treasure is just around the corner. What more can we ask for? Perhaps the ability to sail. That aside, our questers are not out of the woods, maybe I should say waters, yet. They still have to get the map and cross Crustation where a war is brewing. Not to mention the fact that they have to find Crustation. Like everything in this story they are going to need a lot of luck, and some of that is going to have to be blind.