“I’m right with you, Chet.”
“We check our disguises. I’m dressed like an old cook. You’re disguised as a husky.”
“A what?”
“A dog.”
“No one would believe that!”
“A pet ape, then.”
“Can’t I just be Skipper?”
“Okay, Skipper, you’re dressed as my butler. I say, ‘Check your miniature six-shooter, Skip.’ You say, ‘Quite.’ ”
“Why do I say ‘Quite’?”
“It’s England, like on ‘Sherlock Holmes.’ That’s the way they do it.”
“I don’t think there are any Nazi bunkers in England.”
“Well, anyway, Skipper, we march boldly up the steps, hearts pounding.”
“I thought you said it was down.”
“Mario, for God’s sake! What’s the difference? It’s an adventure! I say, ‘Skip, your legs are shaking.’ You say, ‘I’m nervous about that bounder.’ ”
“I’m nervous about that bounder.”
“We slip silently past the guards by going into the bush. Sometimes it’s up as well as down. A maze. No one notices who we are. I whisper, ‘This is it.’ You say, ‘I’m a scared, Chet.’ ”
“It’s true, Frankie.”
“I say, ‘Won’t be long.’ I knock.”
“Yes? Who’s there?”
“It’s me, Mr. Swerdlow. Frankie.”
“What do you want?”
“My mother sent something up for you.”
“Just a minute….”
“He’s hiding it.”
“How do you know?”
“When you knock on a criminal’s door, they always hide things.”
“Yes, Frankie. What is it?”
“My mother wanted you to have this apple dumpling.”
“Oh! Well, that’s very nice of her.”
“I better bring it in.”
“That’s not necess —”
“Right here?”
“Fine. Tell your mother thank you.”
“Say, Mr. Swerdlow, I see you got yourself a package….”
“Why, yes, I did….”
“You going to eat that dumpling?”
“As soon as I finish my studying. Be my reward. Thanks a lot, boys.”
“Was that a mail package?”
“Frankie, I have an exam tomorrow.”
“We could unwrap it for you.”
“Okay, boys, time to go.”
“It would give you more time —”
“Frankie —”
“See you later, Mr. Swerdlow.”
“Fine.”
“Now what?”
“Skipper, we have no choice. We’re going to have to get Miss Gomez to come here.”
“How you going to do that, Chet?”
“Skipper, understand that our ultimate purpose is the extermination of the most rascally and dangerous criminal in the world! A traitor to the United States! A fiend who has cost the lives of thousands of our countrymen! I am speaking of the one known as …”
“Mr. Swerdlow.”
“You got it, Skipper.”
“Wow.”
“But first …”
“What?”
“I think ‘Buck Rodgers’ is on.”
“Buck Rodgers is back on the air. Buck and Wilma and all their fascinating friends and mysterious enemies in the superscientific twenty-fifth century.”
“This program is brought to you by the makers of Popsicle, Fudgsicle, and Creamsicle, those delicious frozen confections on a stick. Boy, do they taste good and wholesome and nourishing, made fresh every day of the finest ingredients, the biggest five cents’ worth anywhere!”
“And now for Buck Rodgers and his thrilling adventures five hundred years in the future.
“As you probably know, Buck was born right here in our own times, in this twentieth century, and the story of how he got started on his amazing adventures so far in the future is mighty interesting. But instead of telling you about it, let’s turn the dial that’ll project us ahead in time and find out all about it that way.
“Now, the capital of twenty-fifth-century America is Niagara, and there it is that Doctor Huer, the great scientist, has his marvelous laboratory.
“In one room of it he’s working on a strange-looking device that sends a peculiar green light down on a human figure lying on a table before him. Shall we join him there? Okay, then, here we go, five hundred years into the future….”
“ALL RIGHT, class, let’s take out our On the Long Road readers. I believe we’re up to page two-eighty. Yes, Ronald?”
“Miss Gomez, I left my book home.”
“Move over to Joel’s desk. You can read along with him. And Ronald, why don’t you start reading — page two-eighty — the section entitled ‘In the Observatory.’ This should be very interesting, class.”
“Now?”
“Yes, Ronald, now.”
“Okay. Where it says, ‘Uncle Jack’?”
“Exactly.”
“ ‘Un-cle-Jack-led-the-way-in-to-the-huge-dome-room-of-the-ob-ser-va-tor-y-period-there-comma-stand-ing-be-neath-the-great-op-en-slit-through-which-the-star-ry-sky-could-be-seen-comma-was-the-tel-es-cope-with-its-great-mir-ror-period-so-large-and —’ ”
“Ronald, try not to stress every syllable equally. It’s un-cle. Not un-cle. Start again at ‘So large.’ ”
“Now?”
“Yes, now.”
“ ‘So-large-and-so-ov-er-pow-er-ing-did-it-seem-to-Bob-that-he-just-looked-at-it-and-won-dered-period-sev-e-ral-as-tron —’ ”
“Ronald, excuse me. You don’t need to read the punctuation. Just include it naturally in your reading. Comma, brief pause. Period, longer pause. New paragraph, even longer pause. Continue, please. And try to read with some expression.”
“Okay. ‘Sev-e-ral-as-tron-o-mers-were-work-ing-there-as-they-work-each-night-in-ob-serv-a-tor-ies-all-ov-er-the-world-and-Un-cle-Jack-sig … sig …’ ”
“ ‘Signaled.’ ”
“ ‘Sig-naled-Bob-to-be-qui-et.’ ”
“Yes, Ronald, go on.”
“I’m pausing.”
“Not such a long pause. Go on.”
“ ‘Bob-spent-a-won-der-ful-half-hour-in-that-bus-y-qui-et-place-just-be-fore-it-was-time-for-him-to-leave-Un-cle-Jack-whis-pered-“Fol-low-me”-and-Bob-found-him-self-be-fore-one-of-the-great-tel-es-copes-he-was-act-u-al-ly-look-ing-at-the-stars-through-a-real-tel-es-cope-ex-cit-ed-and-hap-py-he-said-“good-night”-and-“thank-you”-to-Un-cle-Jack.’ ”
“Yes, Franklin? What is it?”
“Do you think this Bob saw any spaceships, or maybe even mysterious enemies?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You know, people from the twenty-fifth century. Last night on ‘Buck Rodgers’ —”
“Class! That’s enough, Franklin.”
“Well, Miss Gomez, see, if Doctor Huer had invented that telescope he —”
“Franklin, once again you will stay after school.”
“PSST … Frankie …”
“Keep your voice down, Skipper. We’re under surveillance.”
“You do that on purpose?”
“Sure.”
“Why?”
“Tell you later.”
“FRANKLIN WATTLESON …”
“Yes, Miss Gomez.”
“Do you know how very close I am to giving up?”
“Two inches.”
“What did I tell you last time, Franklin?”
“You gave me your number and said I should tell my parents to call.”
“And?”
“They ran out of nickels.”
“I don’t believe that. Well, then … I guess I’m really going to have to visit your parents at your home.”
“Yeah….”
“That would be quite the humiliation, wouldn’t it?”
“Be okay with me.”
“You would not mind?”
“Nope.”
&nbs
p; “I’m not so sure I believe that either. I suggest you read your reader.”
“Okay.”
“Franklin?”
“Yes, Miss Gomez.”
“Did you want to be kept in this afternoon?”
“Miss Gomez, you don’t shoot a man who gives his whole life to doing good for other people.”
“Franklin, there are times I simply do not understand you.”
“GREAT SCOTT!”
“What’s the matter, Franklin?”
“Well, you told me to read this, and I was. Only, then I started thinking about something.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to say.”
“Why?”
“You might get angry again.”
“I promise I won’t. Now, go on. What is it that made you excited?”
“See, I was just thinking how nifty it would be if that boy Bob and his uncle Jack might have seen something really great when they were looking through that telescope. Like, maybe Bob has radio vision —”
“What’s radio vision?”
“Don’t you know?”
“Franklin, asking questions is the way intelligent people become educated.”
“Oh. Well, radio vision is what the Silver Fox has. Lets him see behind or into things. Except cotton. For some reason he can’t see through —”
“That’s enough, Franklin.”
“But I thought you wanted to become —”
“Enough!”
“Yes, Miss Gomez.”
“Franklin?”
“Yes, Miss Gomez.”
“Don’t you like anything about school?”
“I like you.”
“Thank you. And I like you too, Franklin. But I’m not sure our liking each other is what school is about. Don’t you care about your work?”
“You want the truth?”
“You should always tell the truth.”
“School’s boring.”
“Why?”
“It’s the same every day. On radio it’s —”
“Franklin, I’ve made up my mind: I will make a visit to your home.”
“Oh, great!”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. When you coming?”
“That will be for me to decide.”
“Will it be soon?”
“Yes, soon.”
“OKAY, YOU SET?”
“Yeah.”
“Here goes. Corn Bits — the crunchy cereal that made farmers famous — presents Chet Barker, the masked and brilliant but resourceful super GI-spy with his faithful but also brilliant scientific sidekick, Skipper O’Malley. Most folks think they’re only kids.”
“The evil underworld knows better.”
“Chet Barker fights evil where’er he finds it —”
“No matter how under- or overhanded —”
“In a troubled, confused, mixed-up, twisted, and also puzzled world. This morning — the Adventure of Doctor Swerdlow’s Secret Surprise.”
“Frankie, you really sure he’s out?”
“It’s Saturday. Saturday mornings he always goes out.”
“That’s what you said last time.”
“Mario, I just saw him walk down the street. Anyway, we’re not going into his closet. Just his room to see about that package.”
“Why?”
“To find out what’s inside it.”
“Maybe there’s nothing.”
“Packages always have something in them.”
“But even if it does, how’s that going to help us?”
“Mario, have you ever, even once, ever heard of an evil scientist who had a package that didn’t have evidence in it?”
“But that’s radio, and this —”
“Skipper, there are moments I suspect you’d be happier finding someone else to kick along the side of.”
“Frankie, I’m just saying —”
“The thing is, Skipper, Miss Gomez will be visiting soon. So we have to find a way to get rid of Mr. Swerdlow fast. That package might be it.”
“Maybe it’s just his laundry. Socks. Or underpants. Yeah, what if it’s his underpants?”
“Have you ever heard about underpants on radio, ever?”
“Well, no …”
“Okay, then. Now, today, as we discover our young heroes, it’s a dark, dreary, dull, dumb, drizzling December day.”
“That’s a lot of D words.”
“Come on, Mario! I say, ‘Skipper, if we fail tonight, it will be the end of us all. If we are successful, our country will be saved.’ You say, ‘Gosh.’ ”
“Gosh.”
“Okay, we parachute down from a B-17. We land. No one sees us. I say, ‘The coast is clear. Easy does it.’ You say, ‘I’m right behind you, Chet.’ ”
“I’m right behind you, Chet.”
“Sneaking through the brush, we approach the tunnel. You say, ‘Hope there ain’t no bats, Chet.’ ”
“Hope there ain’t no bats, Chet.”
“I say, ‘Nothing to worry about, Skipper. We’ve got our Atomic Radio Beeper with its Mobile Death Stinger Power Badge. It’ll take care of any bats. You ought to know, Skip — you invented all that stuff yourself.’ You say, ‘Phew.’ ”
“Phew.”
“The door opens. Hinges creak. Our hearts start going thuda-thuda-thuda. Sweat drips. I say, ‘This is it, Skipper.’ You say, ‘I’m ready.’ ”
“I’m ready.”
“Then I say, ‘Look there!’ And you say, ‘What the —?’ ”
“Just ‘What the —?’ ”
“You know!”
“Okay. What the —?”
“They’ve got six thousand ancient Aztecs waiting for us. But by switching on your patented Invisibility Cloaks, we’re able to creep right through them.”
“I’m really nervous. Frankie.”
“It’ll be fine, Skipper.”
“I’m just scared — that’s all.”
“Okay. We go on faster. Open the door. Flip on the lights. Look! There’s the package on the table.”
“Maybe I should go —”
“We step closer….”
“Frankie, will you hurry! I don’t want to get caught.”
“Chet Barker opens the package.”
“What is it? What’s the matter? What’s there?”
“Look!”
“What?”
“Look.”
“Holy moley. A skull! I’m going home.”
“Me too.”
“MARIO! Let me in.”
“Can’t. My mother said I had to stay in while she’s shopping.”
“When she coming back?”
“Couple of hours.”
“We have to talk.”
“Frankie, if my mother knew I was finding skulls —”
“Mario, do you know what that skull means?”
“Somebody died.”
“It’s probably a plot to destroy America.”
“Nothing to do with me.”
“Some patriotic sidekick you are.”
“I’m going to resign.”
“Sidekicks can’t resign.”
“Sure, they can. Just because you’re always the boss doesn’t mean I have to do everything you say. I could join a union. A sidekick union. Yeah. I could go on a sidekick strike.”
“Mario, cross my heart and hope to die. I just want to talk.”
“Promise? No fins?”
“No fins.”
“Swear on your mother?”
“On my mother.”
“On your mother’s mother?”
“My mother’s mother.”
“Okay. But not in here. And just for a short time. I’ll meet you out front.”
“MARIO, Mr. Swerdlow having a skull on his table proves that he’s evil.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want anything to do with him.”
“Not even if it means saving the world?”
“No.”
“Why?”
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“My mother would get too upset.”
“Mario, why do you have to worry about your mother so much?”
“You have a mother and a father and a brother, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And an uncle.”
“Well, I suppose, except I don’t think anyone around here wants to see him except me.”
“Well, all I’ve got is a mother.”
“I know that, Mario, but, the thing is, we’d be heroes. Real ones.”
“You always say that, but all that happens is we get into trouble.”
“Mario, you can’t be a hero unless you get into trouble first.”
“No one’s going to believe us.”
“Same difference: people never believe in heroes. Not at first. It’s kind of a rule. So heroes go against all odds and obstacles, battling the forces of evil with skill and cunning until the truth is revealed to those who are weak but still desperately want some unvarnished justice.”
“Frankie?”
“What?”
“Do you believe all that stuff you say?”
“What stuff?”
“Your radio stuff. Can’t you ever talk regular?”
“Heroes don’t talk regular.”
“But Frankie, Mr. Swerdlow is real. That skull was real. I mean, what do you think he does with it? Really.”
“Uses it to mix poisons he’s going to drop into the city’s water system. That way he gets everyone into his power. And the Nazis take over. So the free world is in more danger than ever before.”
“Frankie, be serious! The Nazis are just about beaten!”
“Don’t worry. If there are heroes, then there have to be enemies. And every man, woman, and child in the free world is waiting for us — you and me — Chet Barker and his pal Skipper — to find them.”
“Frankie, kids — real kids — can’t do anything.”
“Sure they can!”
“Name one thing kids can do. Go on. I dare you. Double dare you. Triple!”
“Okay. What do you see over there?”
“On the street?”
“Yeah. What do you see?”
“The street. Houses. Windows. Doors. And people. Cars. And the mailman coming.”
“Naw. That’s the way grown-ups see. You want to know what I can see?”
“What?”
“One of those cars is a disguised rocket car. And behind that window — with the service star — there’s a genius inventor. And that person walking there has a secret identity. And it could be the mailman is really a G-man, or even Doctor Oddball, and in his bag he’s got an Instant Radio Double Relay Spy Noticer.”