I fall into a fitful sleep and when I hear something at the door a while later, I try to lift my head and the pain is so intense I cover my eyes and groan.
“You sure you’re okay? You’ve been asleep for three hours.”
“Really?” I croak. “It didn’t feel that long.”
“Want me to take Astra? She’s been cooing for a while now.” Jennie walks closer to the bed and touches my forehead. “Holy mother, you’re so hot.”
She picks up the baby and I watch through squinted eyes as she feels Astra’s forehead too. “I don’t think she has a fever. I’ll be right back with some medicine. Why don’t I keep her with me while you rest.”
My body is too foggy to protest. Everything hurts.
The days and nights collide with no clear meter. I vaguely remember snapshots of Jennie coming in and out of the room holding Astra. My fever rages. In the early morning hours, I sweat it out until the sheets are soaked. My breasts are hard, engorged orbs; I try to get relief with a breast pump instead of exposing my baby girl to this. It takes every ounce of energy I have, but I fill both bottles; an accomplishment I’d be so proud of if I had enough strength to care … and if I didn’t throw it all out.
I can’t keep anything down, but Jennie continues trying with broth and ginger ale. Sleep is all I’m capable of, but I miss my baby. She’s in every dream and the first word out of my mouth every time I wake.
In my lucid times, I wonder if I will ever have a night that I don’t dream about Soti. One dream is so vivid, I look for him when I wake up and cry when he isn’t there. The hollowed out desperation of missing him is akin to claustrophobia, where there is no way out of the longing. There are days I think my heart can’t break any more than it already has, but it manages to crack further.
A few mornings later I wake up and some of my strength has returned. I sit up and feel lightheaded, but at least I’m not rushing to the bathroom to throw up. Jennie walks by the room and peeks in. She’s holding Astra and picks up the diaper bag hanging by my door.
“How are you feeling this morning? Your coloring looks better,” she adds.
I nod. “I do feel better.”
“I wanted to be back before you woke up, but I’m glad to see you. Is it okay if I take Astra with me?”
I cringe before I can stop myself.
“Back in twenty minutes, tops. I just need a few groceries. Troi is working in the yard and I’d rather not leave her with him for the first time when you’re sick. He hasn’t even held her yet.” She rolls her eyes.
I nod. “Yeah, it’s probably best that you take her. I really don’t want her to get whatever this has been.”
“All right. Your phone is charged up. Text me if you think of anything we need.”
I smile at Astra, and Jennie turns before seeing my eyes fill.
“Hurry back,” my voice cracks.
Jennie looks over her shoulder and smiles. “We’ll be back before you even miss us.”
“Too late!” Tears drip down my cheeks and I groan. “Sorry. I’m just missing her so much.”
“Get better. She’s missing you, too.”
When they leave, I venture to the bathtub and sit on the ledge as I run the water. Being upright winds me. I strip and sink into the tub, lying back, but all I can think about is getting back in bed, so I hurry through the motions.
I bend over and wrap the towel around my head. My softest pajamas are on the counter and I slowly pull them on. The door bursts open and my head whips up. Troi stands there, his eyes urgent. He motions me forward and I don’t hesitate, rushing toward the door. He reaches out to grab my arm and goes down. I shriek and cover my mouth, seeing the blood spill out on the floor. I bend down to feel his pulse. It’s faint. God.
Troi’s eyes flutter and he looks at me. “Take my gun,” he sputters.
I fumble for it but don’t find it on him. I look around the room frantically and see it by the door. I crawl toward it, shaking my head when the room spins in front of me. I hear footsteps coming toward me.
“Get up.”
My stomach free-falls. Nico bends down, eyes never leaving mine, and has the gun pointed at me before I can move. I scramble backwards and he advances just as quickly, looming over me, full beard and long hair, eyes crazed. I hardly see Nico in there.
He grabs my arm and drags me out of the room. “Where’s the baby?”
“Let me go. You won’t get away with it, Nico. They’ll be coming for you any minute…”
The gun digs into my side. “Where. Is. She?”
“She’s gone.” Tears trickle down my cheeks and neck.
We move into the hallway and he quickly scans each room. I hear his sharp intake of breath and then see it—the blood on the floor of the dining room. I hope to God it’s one of his men and not Jennie. When we get to the kitchen, it’s too still. My heartbeat quickens and I look for any traces of them. A shot rings out. Nico stiffens and makes a guttural sound before stumbling forward. A burst of red blooms through his shirt, blood swirling a pattern on his grey shirt. I look over my shoulder and Jennie rushes at us, still aiming the gun at him.
Jennie knees him and I lunge along with Nico, his hands digging into one side of my waist and the gun digging into the other. He turns around so quickly I’d go flying if he didn’t have such a firm grip. My side feels cold when he raises it and fires the gun at Jennie.
“Jennie!” I scream when she falls onto her knees and slumps over.
I try to get loose but he holds me tighter, dragging me out the kitchen door. After days of barely keeping anything down, every attempt I make to fight him is useless. I’m like a gnat to a bear. He’s been training since we saw each other, too, not even slowing down with a bullet in his shoulder.
Please be okay, Jennie. Please. Protect Astra. Protect her. Protect her.
I chant it in my head over and over on an endless loop. I can’t breathe I’m crying so hard.
“Shut up. Just shut up.” He pauses long enough to dig his fingers into my face and neck. A cloth goes over my mouth. “Shut up.”
Everything goes black.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
SOTI
I need a reason to exist.
The phone rings in the middle of the night and I fumble around for it, trying to answer it before it wakes up Stella. I sit up and finally get my hands on the phone, cursing under my breath.
“Hello?”
Thank God I answered.
I take the first flight out, not stopping to let anyone but JT know where I’m going. My mind doesn’t stop the whole way to San Francisco. I arrive just before eleven a.m. and a car is there to take me to an office downtown. I’m ushered into an empty office where I wait on the edge of my seat. I wasn’t given much information, just asked to come and I didn’t question it.
“Mr. Christos, thank you for coming. I’m Tomas Ford with the Federal Bureau. Can I get you a drink?”
I shake his hand. “No, thank you.”
“I’ll get right to the matter at hand. I have news about Lili Santelli.”
I grip the armrests and brace myself.
“Jennie wanted to be the one to meet with you, but she had to go into emergency surgery. She’s in recovery now.”
I gulp to fight the rising nausea. “Is Lili alive?”
“We have every reason to believe she is, yes, but—”
“You don’t know?”
“I see that Jennie didn’t tell you much in her phone call. She went against protocol by calling you first. I’m afraid we’re left scrambling with her mishap. She has a sense of loyalty to Lili, but it seems to have gotten in the way of her doing her job properly. Count yourself lucky to be here.”
“Why am I here?” I ask. I would show up every single time, always, for Lili, but the man is grating on me.
Mr. Ford opens the office door and motions someone inside. A woman walks in holding a baby. The baby is crying but beautiful with black hair and eyes as blue as—oh God, it’s l
ike looking into Lili’s eyes.
My adrenalin picks up. It’s instinct to move closer to her, but I look at Mr. Ford, waiting for him to explain.
“I don’t have a lot of time to explain the ins and outs, but the gist is that Lili was taken by Nico Santelli again late yesterday afternoon. He shot three of our agents, two of them staying in the house with Lili the past few months, the other watching the grounds. Lili was held against her will by Nico for nearly a year before we got her out, and she has been in seclusion while the hunt for Santelli continues. We will find her. Jennie shot Nico and we have every reason to believe he’ll be coming back for the baby. Two of his men did already and Jennie and the baby were already gone.” He nods at the baby. “That’s where you come in. Before Lili went into hiding, she asked that if anything happened to her, you would be given guardianship of Astra. Lili refused to enter the father’s name on the birth certificate, so for the time being, you won’t have any issues with a daddy coming into the scene, okay?”
I’m speechless but manage a nod.
“We would have been calling you later today or tomorrow to have you come, but Jennie rushed it a bit.”
Astra. Her name floods into my chest. She named her after my sister. Tears well up in my eyes. The baby fusses and I move toward her, holding out my hands for her. She comes to me. I can’t believe it at first, but she nestles into my chest and puts her thumb in her mouth. I swallow hard, trying to keep it together.
“I tried for months to get the police to search for her. You’re telling me she was his prisoner that whole time? And you let him take her again?” I tilt my head up to the ceiling and a soft, slobbery hand touches my neck. The tears roll down my face then. Lili’s baby. I will die for her if I have to, no one will take her from me.
I proceed to curse the very breath Mr. Ford breathes before I stalk out of his office.
“Wait!” he calls. Guards step out of nowhere, surrounding me. “You can’t just leave with her. We’ll need you to sign a few documents and introduce you to your guards, Ethan and Steve. If you agree to do this, which I sincerely hope you will since it’s what Lili wanted, they will accompany you to our holding house. Returning to New Orleans isn’t an option yet…”
“Don’t talk about Lili like she’s dead. She isn’t. And quit wasting time here with me. Find her.”
“I appreciate your fervor, Mr. Christos. I assure you we’re doing everything in our power to get Lili safely reunited with her child.”
“You’ll forgive me if I don’t hold my breath while you do so,” I snap. “Where are these papers? And I think it’s perfect if I return to New Orleans. It’s the first place he’ll look for her and you can be waiting for him.”
Mr. Ford’s eyes tighten. “That’s one option. First things first.” He motions toward his office and I carry Astra back inside, even though it takes everything in me to give this guy another second.
My mind races with all that I’ve just heard. How am I supposed to process this? They lost Lili. How has she survived all this time? And to have this beautiful, innocent baby. She was taken from you first, what makes you think you can protect Astra when you couldn’t protect Lili? But I saw her leave. I don’t understand. I sit down and listen to what Mr. Ford has to say. He tells me the little they know so far, then explains the documents in front of me. She made sure that even if she wasn’t dead but unable to safely care for her child, I would be given custody. The enormity of the gift Lili is entrusting me with settles in my chest. I take a deep breath and sign the papers.
When I’m done, I look down and Astra has fallen asleep. I already love her.
It’s late before we get settled in the house. Steve and Ethan haven’t said much. Astra has fussed off and on. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking. I’m all thumbs as I try to change her diaper and figure out how to make a bottle. I have no experience whatsoever with babies, other than making them laugh when they come into the community center. A crib has been set up in my room but I have a hard time putting her in it. After she has a bottle, we stare at one another for a long time. My muscles are tight from holding her all day, but I don’t want to let her go. Her eyes get heavier and heavier; one little touch across her brow and she gives in to sleep. I place her on my chest, her little heart beating against mine, and lie back on the pile of pillows, eventually closing my eyes.
The tears come as I think about the horror Lili has been through. I should have tried harder to find her, done more to get the police to search. I should have seen something at the fundraiser … I should have known. I should’ve demanded answers and not let her out of my sight.
She got her wish about having a baby and that is the one good thing in all of this hell. Astra is the beauty from the ashes, the joy despite all the sorrow. I will keep her safe until they can be together again.
I can’t even contemplate her not coming back.
Astra wakes up crying.
“I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to see my ugly mug first thing either. Are you hungry?”
My shirt is damp from where she was lying; maybe I didn’t do as well with that diaper as I thought. I change her on the bed while she wails. Her despair escalates while I’m making a bottle, her lips quivering and her face turning purple. By the time I get my shirt changed and start feeding her, I’m shaking. A grown ass man trembling from a baby’s tears. I’ll have to buck up quick to survive her.
“You’re a powerful little thing, aren’t you?”
Her lashes are wet and her hiccups gradually soften as she studies me. Actually, I think she’s glaring. I fall even harder.
It takes a few days to acclimate. We’re getting used to one another. I get somewhat faster at all the baby stuff. We don’t sleep much and that’s wearing us both down. I’m trying to get her to like her crib; she sleeps better on my chest, but I’m terrified of crushing her if I fall asleep.
She occasionally cries when everything should be fine and I sometimes lose it right along with her, knowing how much she wants her mama. I know that feeling so well. I want her mama, too.
There’s hardly time to think about anyone back home, something I’ll have to face soon.
The longer Lili is missing, the more desperate I become. It’s a thousand times worse than losing her before, knowing the danger she’s in and knowing she’d give anything to be with her baby. I don’t know where I stand in all of this, with her, other than she trusts me with her baby, which is everything right now.
I’m barely sleeping or eating, but when Astra nestles into my chest or gives me a small grin, I get such a rush, nothing else matters. The way she relies on me for her survival is a heady, humbling thought. She’s become the center of my world, alongside Lili. I have to get her back, for Astra’s sake.
I asked to meet with Mr. Ford almost as soon as our first meeting was over, but he doesn’t agree to it until four days later. Four days that creep along like years. After a few hours of pleading and then talking the logistics of it all, I convince him to let us go back to New Orleans. He gives me the night to prepare and we’re scheduled to leave first thing in the morning.
Astra cries as we take off, but she sleeps the rest of the time. No one will tell me much, except that we’ll stay close to the community center. Ethan and Steve are on the private flight, along with June, a nanny who keeps trying to take Astra from me. I don’t let her. I guess more guards will be staying with us and others will be in the surrounding houses and community center. Since Nico doesn’t know I have Astra—I’m not able to call her ‘his daughter’—I’m not sure how the FBI plans to lure him in, and it’s driving me crazy being kept in the dark.
“Stella? We need to talk,” I say it as quietly as I can.
“Soti? Where are you? You disappeared on me!” She sounds pissed and I feel bad.
“It’s a long story. I’m sorry, Stella. So much is going on. I feel like I’m going to hurt you no matter what I do and I never wanted that. I shouldn’t have pushed for a friendship knowing how
you felt. You’ve helped me a lot and I just—”
“You found Lili, didn’t you?” she says softly.
“No, but I’m going to, and when I do, I’m going to beg her not to ever let me go again.”
I hear her sharp intake of breath right before Astra cries out in her sleep.
“Who was that?” Stella snaps. “Soti, what’s going on?”
“I have to go. Your place should be ready by now, right? It’s time for you to go home.”
“I’ll tell him you have her, Soti, so help me God, I will have him in your face with one phone call.”
“How did you know it was a girl?” I ask, squeezing the phone so tight it squeaks. I pick up the cell phone I use for Zed and text him while holding the other phone up to my ear with my shoulder.
Stella was in on it with Nico. She’s at the apartment. Take care of it.
“I knew he was closing in on them,” she says. “I just hoped you’d make the right decision and choose me.”
“You weren’t even in the running,” I tell her. “Not even close.”
“You would’ve eventually fallen for me, Soti.”
“My heart will always be consumed with one person and her name is Lili. Whether she’ll have me after this or not, I will always be hers.”
I hang up on her and smile down at the beautiful sleeping baby girl. I wrap her tiny hand around my finger.
“Okay, so maybe there is room in my heart for one more.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
LILITH
If you don’t recognize yourself,
how will you know when you arrive?
I’m being dragged across the dirt when I wake up. The sun is setting and besides the shack I’m being led to, all I see is desert. Nico shoves me in the door and I stumble to the floor. It’s bigger, but this place reminds me of that first room where I was kept prisoner in Nico’s house. Only much hotter. At first I think my fever has come back, but sweat is pouring off of Nico, too.