Things got a little hairy down there but it worked out. I saw something in Zenobia I had never seen before. She changed right in front of my eyes. She was no longer that meek and humble lamb being led to slaughter. Zee didn’t panic at all when Percy started fighting back. She stepped right to him and told him exactly what she was doing. For a minute I didn’t know if she would be able to handle it, but my girl did me proud. She handled her business. I have to admit, it was a little unnerving. It was one thing to think about it, but it’s another thing to put that plan into action. Taking a hot shower should help though. I’m a little tense and the adrenaline is pumping overtime.
Seeing Zenobia taking care of her problem head on had me feeling a whole host of emotions. When I left Mac, I thought it was the right thing to do. At the time, all I could think about was getting as far away from him as possible. But he has shown me repeatedly over the years that I haven’t gotten far enough away. Hearing about his life, calling me out the blue and knowing he was keeping track of me says that it’s not over for him. It also says I can never really be free of him. I thought I was, but clearly I’m not.
Even though I haven’t consciously done it, he has always been on my mind in one way or another. I’ve thought about him as I avoided the looks and conversation of men who expressed interest in me. I’ve thought about him with all the stuff that’s been happening with Zee. That bothers me… it bothers me a lot. Knowing that I am still psychologically and emotionally bound to him is a problem that I hadn’t really come to grips with until now. It’s a painful reality.
I want my freedom - total freedom. I need to shake Mac out of my system once and for all. I need to handle that.
Maybe I should leave well enough alone. I can continue to keep people at a distance, ducking and dodging the stuff I don’t want to deal with and avoiding Mac’s attempts to reach out to me. I don’t lead a bad life. I’ve got a great job and friends who love me. I’ve had my version of peace. It gets lonely sometimes. I thought I liked being by myself, and most times I do. Hell, I’m great company! But if I get real honest with myself, I’ve been too scared to let anyone get too close to me for fear that he will be another Mac. I’ve seen it more times than I care to think about. A woman breaks it off with her abuser and the next man that comes into her life is just like the one she got away from. It’s like women who have been battered have a neon sign on their heads that other batterers can see that says, COME BEAT ME! I CAN TAKE IT! That disgusts me, and that’s why I’ve been so damn cautious with my heart. I don’t want to get hurt again. Trust me, it’s not fun - not at all.
But if I just let it go, how will Mac know that what he did to me was wrong and really hurt me? How will he ever know that every time he kicked me, degraded me, raped me and beat me within an inch of my life he was killing me inside and out? I know I shouldn’t seek revenge, but why should Mac have to wait until he gets to the judgment gate to come to grips with what he has done? How many women will have to suffer at the hands of this mindset until then? Everybody’s always screaming about karma and how she is such a bitch. Well, I have heard that shit one too many times and karma is taking too damn long to come full circle. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I didn’t try to talk to Mac and make my marriage work. I told him over and over again how much he was hurting me. And guess what? He beat my ass again for bringing it up! So at some point, you stop talking. At some point when that man’s got your mind all twisted up, you start believing the very thing he is saying about you. The mind manipulation is a fuckin’ beast. And I let him manipulate my mind too many damn times. Hell, if he had listened and tried to at least change or do something about it, I probably wouldn’t have left him. The fact that I had to leave just shows that he didn’t hear me and had no intentions on changing.
There have been several unsuspecting women who have come after me, but I’m sure they had no idea of the real monster that lurked underneath the surface. For me, walking away would be like condoning what he did to me and what I am absolutely sure he is doing to the woman or women he’s sleeping with now. Mac is guilty of the sin of commission and I am guilty of the sin of omission. It’s like giving him my unspoken blessing to continue to mistreat and beat on women. Could he have changed since I left him? Yeah, he could have. If Mac had really changed I would be privy to it through the whispers I still manage to hear. One of these women would have said something by now. Nah, Mac ain’t changed! That’s one leopard whose spots will always be the same. Fuckin’ bastard!
It’s time to do something about it. Where is that phone number?
“I knew you wouldn’t stay away for long.”
The arrogance of this son of a bitch makes me sick! Ugh!
“Ha, you know me all too well don’t you?”
“Nobody will ever know you better than me baby girl, but you already know that.”
Zee had to put on one hell of an acting job. I guess it’s my damn turn…
“You could be right, but there’s only one real way to find out, you know?”
“Just say the word and I’m there.”
“I will… trust me I will.”
Mac, for all his smooth talk, was still a simple motherfucker’. Now with the confirmation that he’s a willing victim, I just need to execute…