Not a fucking chance.
Most beautiful girl ever sitting on my cock and I'm about ready to explode. Giving me everything I need right in this moment without expecting a fucking thing back from me.
I so don't deserve this, but I am so going to take it.
Kate starts a steady rhythm, lifting up and sinking back down on me. It's not going to take me long...I'm too pent-up with frustration. I need release too much.
But I don't want to leave her behind, so I slide one hand over her lower stomach, spread my fingers wide, and press my thumb down on her clit. She gasps and shudders, coming to a faltering stop for a moment, but when she realizes that every stroke she gives me will give her an equal one in return, she resumes her motions.
But they're not as lazy now. She picks up the speed, leaning forward a bit and putting her hands on my chest for leverage. Her breasts sway beautifully and I'd be mesmerized by them if it wasn't for the needful look in her eyes.
Her breathing quickens, as does mine.
Her hips move faster and I add to the mix, thrusting gently up against her.
My thumb presses against her harder and she starts a mewling noise that is fucking sexy as hell and has me about ready to burst.
And then...it happens at the same exact time. Completely by surprise, totally cataclysmic, but I start to come unexpectedly inside her just at the same time she grinds against me hard and starts to shake with her own orgasm.
My vision almost goes black...certainly blurry...as I come inside of her so hard, I'm afraid I might blow the end of the condom off. And even better...as my cock jumps inside her with every spurt I unload, I can feel her own muscles squeezing me in tandem with her own release. Our mutual orgasms are feeding on each other and it's seemingly never-ending.
That's it. I'm decided.
The best thing in the world is a never-ending mutual orgasm with Kate.
It's hours--yes, hours--later, I think, that our bodies finally stop quaking. Kate is utterly exhausted and she collapses on top of me, her cheek going to my chest, and my arms wrap around her back. I listen to her breathing...feel it fanning across my chest. Her heartbeat slowing from a gallop to a trot along with mine.
She feels so damn good, and what a world it would be for me if I could have this all the time.
My heart squeezes hard with sadness as I realize I just don't think it's possible.
Because even as my body quiets, my conscience starts to get louder. That I have nothing permanent or long-term to offer Kate, because I sure as hell didn't have it in me to offer it to Gina, and look how much longer I was with Gina.
I know, deep within my soul, that the best thing I could ever do for Kate is cut her loose from me. If I truly do care about her...and I know I do...I would be doing her a huge favor.
But I also know as I lie here, with her warmth against me, that I'm just not ready to do it yet. Like I said...selfish fucker and all. I'm going to continue to be a drain on her, take her light and her good to help ease my dark. I'm going to do that until that day comes when she demands more and I say I can't give it.
Chapter 28
Kate
"Have you gotten anything to eat yet?" Mely Bressard asks me as she lightly touches my shoulder.
I'm watching Ben play with some of the other kids in the giant inflatable bouncy house that's set up on Coach Pretore's back lawn. It's only been five days since the Cold Fury lost to the Atlanta Sting in the first round of the playoffs, but it's apparently a tradition to have a celebration at the end of the season.
I shake my head at Mely and with a smile tell her, "Haven't had a chance yet."
Because I've been focused on watching Ben, which is why I was brought to the party.
Zack told me that he would probably have a few drinks and wanted someone to keep an eye on Ben, which I also translated loosely into: he needed a designated driver.
But that's fine. I know that Zack and I have become a little closer over the last few weeks, but I never forget my primary role as Ben's nanny. So, I might not be able to hang with Sutton and Alex as they stand up on the back deck drinking their cocktails, and I might not be fortunate enough to have Zack look at me the way Garrett watches Olivia like a hawk, but that's fine. I'm grateful for the strides I've made with Zack and even though I know I shouldn't do it, I build up more hope as every day goes by that he will let me all the way in.
"You go and get some food before it's all gone," she says with a slight push on me toward the house. "I'll watch Ben until you get back."
I glance back at Ben, unsure if I should leave him. But Mely pushes me again and says, "Go. The quicker you get food, the quicker you can get back."
"Okay," I tell her with a grin. "Give me five minutes."
I make my way into the house, wasting a few precious minutes as Sutton drags me over to meet some of the other players and wives. It warms me when she introduces me first as her friend, and then tacks on, "Oh, and she watches Ben for Zack."
The food is all set up in the kitchen. I had seen this when I first walked into the monstrosity of a house. I haven't been back inside since then, as there were so many activities set up outside for the children that I got stuck out there playing with Ben and some of the other kids.
I've seen Zack a few times over the last few hours we've been here. Despite his claim that he was going to tie one on, I've seen him with nothing but bottled water in his hand. I wonder why that is, but am afraid to hope that it's because he really didn't need me here to be his DD or to watch Ben. He wanted me here for himself and was just too afraid to admit it.
Fine. No worries. I'll just keep trying to punch through his shell.
Apparently, I had not paid as much attention to the layout of the house as I had originally thought, and I mistakenly find myself cutting through the wrong side of the living room to get to the kitchen. As I start to turn back, I end up glancing into a large study, and I see Zack and Ryker standing in there talking. They're both looking at some of the plaques and awards on Coach Pretore's wall.
"He's an excellent coach," Ryker says. "It's one of the reasons I was eager to come here."
"Yeah." Zack nods in agreement. "He changed my game completely around...made me a better player."
"Good guy," Ryker adds.
"Really had my back after the accident," Zack reflects. "I owe him a lot."
I met the coach when we first arrived and I was a bit intimidated by him, but his wife was very lovely and welcoming. I'm glad he's a good man, though. Zack needed that type of support.
I smile to myself and turn to head toward the kitchen.
"So, how are things going with Kate?" Ryker asks, and my body halts in mid-step, my ears perking up like satellite receivers. I'm stunned that Ryker knows anything about me and Zack.
Or maybe he's just asking about me in my capacity as a nanny? But if that's the case, why is he asking? Has Zack been unhappy with the way I'm caring for Ben?
Even though it's absolutely wrong, I lean up against the wall and lurk outside the doorway.
"Dude," Zack admonishes him. "You know I'm not going there."
This is definitely about our personal relationship.
"Oh, come on," Ryker teases. "Give me something here. I'm dying to know."
"You're like a high school girl begging for gossip," Zack says, and laughs. "Pull the tampon out, man."
Ryker laughs too, and I roll my eyes over the way men do, apparently, gossip. "Look...I saw it the same way Delaney saw it. You have it bad for that girl."
Delaney knows? What the hell?
"What could you possibly know in that little bit of interaction you saw?" Zack says in a sneering sort of way, and he doesn't sound like he's laughing anymore. "It's nothing...trust me."
"You're such a fucking liar," Ryker chides, and then taunts him, "Zack, my boy...I do believe you might be in love."
I can't see what's going on. I can only hear the conversation, but my heart comes to a skittering halt when I hear Ryker
say that. He must have seen something on Zack's face or in his reaction to lead him to believe that. Something he has not been willing to show me.
"Ryker," Zack says quietly, and I have to strain to hear him. "You have it wrong."
My heart starts beating again, but constricts with anxiety.
"What you see? Between me and Kate?" Zack asks rhetorically, and by the tone of his voice my throat starts to tighten. "She's nothing but a fuck. Simple as that."
I don't hear what Ryker says in response. I don't hear what else Zack may have to say. I don't hear a damn thing as I lurch away from the wall and stumble my way back through the house. In fact, my hearing seems to have gone blessedly absent as I make my way out onto the back deck and down the stairs.
I see Sutton's mouth move as she says something to me, but I don't hear it.
I can't hear the other partiers, the music, or the kids laughing. I can't hear my own steps as I pound down the stairs.
I head over toward Mely, who is still watching Ben and the other kids. Finally, a sound filters through...a cracking sound followed by a sharp stab of pain right between my breasts.
That was the sound of my heart breaking as I come to the utter realization that Zack will never feel for me the way I feel for him. In fact, he must not think very much at all of me if he considers me just a fuck.
All of the other sounds now pour in and overwhelm me. Music, laughter, kids shrieking in happiness. It all grates on my ears.
I grab my purse off a chair where I had left it and turn to Mely, who gives me a smile. But whatever she sees on my face causes it to slide right back off again.
"I have to go," I mumble to her, then blurt out the first lie I can think of. "Family emergency. Make sure Zack sees to Ben."
Spinning away, I sling my purse over my shoulder and make my way around the side of the house, not daring to walk back through it and potentially run into Zack. Mely calls after me, but I ignore her.
I pick up the pace, breaking into a bit of a run as I clear the front corner of the house. I cut across the front yard diagonally, heading in the direction I know will lead me out of this subdivision.
The front door opens and I glance over, seeing Sutton tearing down the steps toward me. My step falters, but then I surge forward.
It does no good...Sutton is freakin' fast, and she catches me before I can clear the yard. Grabbing my elbow, she says, "What's wrong? Where are you going?"
I turn to face her and she actually leans back away from me, I think stunned by the misery on my face. "I can't do this."
"Do what?" she asks me with worry.
"Be a part of all this." I say the first thing that comes to my mind, and then pull away from her.
She grabs me again. "Where are you going? Are you just going to walk out of here?"
"I'm going back to Zack's house," I tell her, and another stab of pain hits me as I realize that it's not my house. It's been only a temporary shelter for me. "I'll catch the bus."
"Like hell you will," she says as she starts dragging me in the opposite direction down the street. "I'll take you there."
"You don't have to," I blurt out.
"Shut up," she says affectionately as she steers me over to a dark gray BMW. "Get in."
I do as she says, because it will get me to my destination a lot faster than the bus. When we are both buckled up, she starts the car and pulls slowly away.
"Don't you have to let Alex know where you're going?" I ask.
"When I saw you running away from Mely, I knew something was wrong. I told him I was going to talk to you and it could be awhile. I'll call him after I drop you off," she says, and then doesn't even hesitate when she prods, "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"
"No," I say quietly as I look down at my hands clasped in my lap.
"Did Zack break your heart?" she asks me softly, and the first tear rolls down my cheek.
I sniff hard, blink my eyes, and look out the window, holding my chin up. "Yes," I tell her honestly. "I knew it was coming, so I should have been ready for it."
"You're never ready for heartbreak," she says sympathetically, and reaches over to grab one of my hands for a squeeze. "If you want to tell me about it, I'll listen. I'll commiserate. I might even help you eat his balls for breakfast."
I can't help it. In the midst of my misery, Sutton makes me laugh. "That would be tasty." I contemplate, but then I sigh deeply. "It's not his fault, though."
"How can it not be his fault? He broke your heart," she growls, completely ready to take my side without knowing the story.
I give an ironic laugh.
"Because he told me he was going to do it," I tell her bitterly. "He even apologized in advance. I had the opportunity to turn away, but I went into it knowing this would happen."
"Oh," Sutton says quietly, and then adds on, "I bet it still hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?"
"You have no idea," I tell her.
--
I hear the front door fly open and slam into the wall with a crash, then the heavy pounding of footsteps on the stairs. I brace myself, but I don't pause what I'm doing. Zack got here a lot faster than I thought he would, and I'm guessing once Sutton dropped me off and called Alex, he in turn went and told Zack what was going on.
I can hear Zack enter my room...I can feel his presence, but I don't turn around. Instead I ask, "Where's Ben?"
"Alex and Sutton are taking him for the night," he responds, and some of the tension eases out of me. I didn't want this going down with Ben here.
I reach into my drawer and pull out another stack of clothes, turning to put them in my suitcase.
"What are you doing?" Zack asks quietly.
"Packing," I tell him, using every bit of strength and pride to keep my voice strong. "I'm going back home. My daddy's going to be here around ten tomorrow morning to pick me up."
I'm met with dead silence and then I'm being spun around by the elbow. He towers over me, his face thunderous. "You're just quitting...just like that? No notice?"
"You don't need me," I say calmly as I pull my arm out of his grasp, turning back toward the dresser. "You're in the off-season. You can watch Ben fine on your own."
"You're going to break his heart if you leave," Zack says, and for the first time my resolve weakens. Tears spring to my eyes and start leaking quickly.
I reach an arm up and wipe them on the sleeve of my shirt. "He'll get past it," I say with a quaking voice. "He'll hurt and won't understand at first, but he'll soon forget me. Kids are resilient that way."
I will never, ever forget him, though.
"Why are you doing this?" Zack asks in exasperation. "Why did you leave the party without even telling me?"
I take a deep breath and turn to face him. "I heard you and Ryker talking."
His face pales even as his jaw locks down hard and his eyes flash in anger. "Eavesdropping, Kate? Naughty girl."
He's baiting me. I know it. He wants to duke this out and make me feel bad about something. He's trying to deflect to alleviate his guilt.
Not going to happen, though.
I turn away and start pulling more clothes from the dresser. I don't even bother to respond to his taunt.
Finally, he walks up to me, takes me by the shoulders, and turns me to face him. His eyes are now apologetic. "I didn't mean that. I just said it to get him to back off of me because I didn't want to talk to him about it."
"I understand that," I say quietly, and pull away from him. "It makes sense to me."
"Then why the fuck are you packing your clothes? Why are you leaving?" he explodes in frustration.
I place the clothes in the suitcase, pat them down, and pull the top closed. I take a moment to zip it up before turning to face him. "We made an agreement, Zack. Early on. You remember that? I told you that if there ever came a time that I couldn't handle this, I'd let you know. That's what I'm doing. I can't handle this. I want more and you can't give it, so I'm going to have to gracefully bow out of this."<
br />
Zack turns away from me, paces a few feet while rubbing his hand through his hair in frustration. He spins back on me and says, "You're expecting too much of me too fast."
Suddenly, my own frustrations bubble up, fester, then break free. "Well, what did you think was going to happen, Zack? Sure, you set some pretty clear boundaries in place, but you're the one who broke them."
He jerks and immediately I see denial in his eyes.
I press forward, walking up to him and giving him a poke in his chest. "What did you think I was going to do, Zack, when you constantly stepped past the very boundaries you created? You said it was sex only, but then you turned around, held your hand out to me, and beckoned to me to step outside of those lines with you. You're the one who took me out to a romantic dinner. You're the one who cuddled me on the couch. You're the one who shared your pain and secrets with me when you couldn't share them with anyone else. You're the one who made this about more than just sex. So really, Zack...what the hell did you think was going to happen?"
His lips part, but he just stares at me in confusion.
But I've got more to say. "I'll tell you what happened, Zack. My expectations did grow. With every touch you gave me, every time you invited me into your bed, with every time you shared your guilt with me and depended on me to ease it, hope fucking bloomed and my expectations grew. I can't help it. Human nature and all that. So go ahead and lay this on my doorstep if you want. I'll gladly take the blame. In fact, I insist on it. I'm sure it will help ease you past any guilt that may arise from this. God knows you've had enough in your life."
Spinning away, I stalk into the bathroom and start pulling my toiletries out of the shower. When I walk back into the bedroom, Zack is standing in the same place, his gaze on the carpet, his shoulders hunched forward.
"I really tried," he says in defeat.
Suddenly, the anger within me melts away and I'm left with overwhelming sadness. So damn sad because I hear the remorse in his voice. So damn sad because the one person I want above all else has just thrown in the proverbial towel. Any hope that I may have had that my leaving would cause him to want to fight for me turns to ash right then and there.
"I know you did," I tell him as I drop the toiletries on my bed.
He raises his soulful gaze to me and his pain is almost palpable. "I'm so sorry, Kate, for hurting you."