I give him a small smile and a nod of understanding. "I know. You apologized already for it weeks ago and I accepted, remember?"
He nods and starts to turn away from me. "I'm going to go get Ben from Alex and Sutton. That way he'll be here in the morning and you can spend time with him before you leave."
"Okay," I whisper, but he never looks back at me. I hear him trudge almost wearily down the stairs and then the door closes behind him.
Then I sink to the carpet, rest my head against the bed, and cry over the unfairness of it all.
Chapter 29
Zack
TWO WEEKS LATER...
Are you in a strip club?
I glance down at the text from Ryker and then back up at the topless dancer gyrating onstage in front of me. He knows me well.
I pick up my phone and text back to him, Yup.
His response is immediate. Seeing anything good?
I quickly type back, Nope.
Come meet me at Tribeca for a few beers.
I stand up from the table, shoot down the last of my beer, and throw a ten-dollar bill beside my empty glass. As I walk through the club and leave the thumping music behind, I text him back, On my way.
The drive over to Tribeca doesn't take me long. I've met up with Ryker here a few times to grab a meal or a few drinks over the past two weeks. While Alex and Garrett will always be my buds, I've become pretty tight with Ryker.
So tight, that I spilled the beans to him about what happened between me and Kate. I didn't tell him the intimate details of what occurred between us, but I was utterly honest with him about how I made up a set of stupid rules that I myself broke, which caused her to hope for something that could never be.
When Ryker asked me why it couldn't be, I then proceeded to tell him all about my shortcomings and doubts about my relationship with Gina. Yes, he's been a very good friend and commiserated with me appropriately. Such a good friend, in fact, he then told me I was a bonehead. He chastised me for hurting Kate and for letting her get away. He told me that I had to let go of that shit in the past and concentrate on the here and now. On top of that, Sutton has been giving me the stink eye too. I'm not sure how much she knows, but she knows I hurt Kate.
She wants my balls for breakfast. Of that I'm sure.
I don't need Sutton and Ryker making me feel bad, though. There is nothing they can do or say that makes me feel any worse about the pain I've caused Kate. My entire being aches with the knowledge of what I've done.
I find it morbidly fascinating that I've come full circle. The minute Kate walked out of my door for good, I felt the same gut-wrenching, heart-splitting misery that I felt when I was told that Gina had died in the accident.
Does that mean I felt the same exact way about both women?
I don't think so. The more reflecting I have done, the more I have come to realize that there were very few similarities between what I had with Gina and what I had with Kate. And yet both of them are gone and both of their absences have affected me profoundly.
Yup. I've come full circle. Sitting my ass in a seedy strip club searching for something but not knowing what it is. I know I'm not going to find it there. And yet I keep coming back, hoping that there will be a clue as to what I can do to pull myself out of this misery.
The parking lot of Tribeca is packed, but I'm not surprised. It's a busy place because they have fantastic burgers and a wide selection of beer. I push my way through the crowd and find Ryker perched up against a corner of the U-shaped bar.
"What's up, man?" Ryker says as we bump fists.
"Not much," I tell him. I wave a hand at the bartender, who walks over to me, and I order a Guinness on draft.
"So the tits and ass weren't any good tonight?" Ryker asks with a grin.
"Same old shit, different day," I respond with exaggerated mock sadness. "What have you been up to?"
"Talked to Hensley today," he says after taking a sip of his beer. "She's made the decision final and wants me to take the girls full-time and is willing to sign over full custody. She's going to drive them and all their stuff down this weekend."
I give him a bright grin. "That's awesome, dude."
Hensley had apparently been vacillating over what she wanted to do and it was driving Ryker nuts. He finally told her to make a decision, make it final, or he was going to make it final for her by going to a judge.
Ryker smiles big back at me, because one thing I've learned about him over the past few weeks is how much he loves his kids. "Yeah, I'm pretty psyched about them coming to live with me permanently. I've got their room finished up and I checked out the school that they'll be enrolled in."
"We'll have to hook Ben and the girls up for regular playdates," I tell him.
"Sounds good," he agrees with me, and then gives a dramatic pause. "Listen...I also wanted to ask you about Kate."
And as always happens when I hear her name, a stab of pain hits me in the chest followed by a deep longing, ending with a pit of emptiness. "What about?"
"Have you talked to her lately?"
I shake my head. "Guess I'm not really sure what I would say to her."
"Well, we won't hash out again all the reasons why I think you're a moron when it comes to her, but I was wondering what you thought about me offering her a job?"
I hesitate for only a moment before saying, "I think that would be fantastic."
And I truly mean that.
In addition to the guilt that I feel for hurting Kate, I also feel terrible over the fact that she had depended solely on the job I had given her to help her start back to school in the fall. That has been weighing heavily on me since she left.
"You wouldn't think that was weird?" he asks carefully. "It's inevitable that you will see her at some point between some of the club functions or even with the kids getting together to play."
"Yeah, it would be weird," I mutter. It would fucking hurt--that was for sure. "But I'm a big boy. I can handle it."
"So why don't you give her a call and ask her for me?" Ryker says with a mischievous smile.
I merely give him an admonishing look. "Nice try, buddy. But if you want to talk to Kate, you'll need to call her yourself. Trust me, I'm the last person she wants to hear from."
"I think you might be wrong about that," Ryker says as he picks up his beer. He waves it at me and says, "Just because you hurt her doesn't mean her feelings have changed for you."
"Maybe not," I tell him with a grimace. "But it doesn't mean my feelings have changed either."
Ryker narrows his gaze at me and looks at me with skepticism. I know he's trying to weigh the truth of my words that I am no closer today about opening my heart to a woman than I was five minutes ago.
But what Ryker doesn't know is that my feelings have definitely changed.
I've gone from utter confusion over what I felt for Kate to a little bit of clarity as I've been thinking things through. I've come to realize that my feelings for Kate were so muddied because I had absolutely no clue as to where my feelings stood with Gina. I think I was so immersed in trying to figure out my past problems that I failed to see that perhaps the answer was literally right in front of me. Or, rather, right underneath me on most nights.
Of course, it's moot now. Things are so fucking far down the shitter that I don't think they can ever be rescued and polished up.
Ryker pulls his phone out and says, "Give me Kate's number. I'm going to call her right now."
I blink at him in surprise and do a quick sweep of my gaze across the bar. "You're just going to call her right now...from a bar?"
"Yeah, why not? No time like the present."
I shrug and pull my phone out. I've never memorized Kate's number because she was always in my favorites contact list. I haven't taken her out of there yet because I just couldn't bear to do it. I pull up her contact info and read her number off to him.
He types it directly into his phone and then calls her.
I watch as he holds the
phone to his ear and waits for Kate to answer. It's the closest I've been to her since she walked out the door.
And fuck...that was a miserable day for me, but more so for Ben.
Kate was up early that morning, but I was up earlier waiting for her in the kitchen. She startled in surprise when she saw me and then proceeded to ignore me while she made a pot of coffee. I tried to reason with her one more time.
"Kate...is there anything I could say that could get you to stay?"
She looked at me with those clear blue eyes and smiled at me sadly. "You can tell me that you love me."
I was so startled by her request that I reared backward in my chair. My reaction was palpable and she just lowered her gaze while shaking her head in resignation.
I had nothing to say. My lips wouldn't move...my throat wouldn't cooperate.
I couldn't tell her I loved her because that concept was too foreign for me to consider. I definitely cared for Kate, in a way that I never would have thought was possible after Gina died, but I was pretty damn sure love would never be part of the equation for me again. I was a complete fuckup when it came to love.
The rest of the morning, Kate hung out with Ben, but only after I sat down at the kitchen table with both of them while Kate explained to Ben that she needed to leave and return home. My heart broke in two when his eyes filled with tears and he merely asked, "Why?"
Because I'm an ass.
Because I'm too afraid to hold on to her.
Because I could never offer her what she truly needs and that's a failure I can't handle.
Instead Kate pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly. She kissed him on the head and told him gently, "It's just time for me to move on. It has nothing to do with you, little man."
Then I'll never forget as long as I live what he asked Kate next. Looking at her with solemn eyes, he asked, "Are you going away like my mom?"
Kate valiantly choked back a sob and in a tremulous voice told him, "Of course not, silly. I'm going to be just a phone call away from you, and I'm sure your daddy will let me visit you when I can come back."
Ben turned his tear-streaked face to me and asked, "Kate can come and visit?"
My throat tightened and I had to give a little cough to clear it, but I told him, "Sure thing, buddy. Anytime she wants."
My door would always be open to Kate.
I left them alone after that and hung out in my office the rest of the morning until I heard a car pull into the driveway. I pulled the curtain back and peeked out the window just in time to see Kate's father getting out of a beat-up old pickup truck and Kate flying into his arms. He hugged her hard, twirled her around twice, and kissed her on the head. When he tried to pull back, she grabbed on to him tighter and wouldn't let him go.
Dropping the curtain, I turned away from the bittersweet reunion because it just made what was about to happen that much more inevitable.
I went out of my office and dutifully met Robert Francis, Kate's namesake. He shook my hand and gave me a polite nod. His lack of enthusiasm over meeting a Carolina Cold Fury hockey player, especially when I know he's a huge fan, let me know right then and there that Kate had told him something about what happened between us. The fact that he didn't punch me told me she didn't say much to him, just enough to muddy his opinion of me.
It was with utter helplessness that I stood on my front porch and watched her father carry her suitcase and the two boxes she had out to the truck, while Kate squatted down in front of Ben and talked to him quietly.
Robert started the truck and waited for Kate to make her goodbyes. She grabbed ahold of Ben and pulled him into a tight hug. When she released him, she surreptitiously wiped the tears from her eyes, stepped up to me, and from her tiptoes kissed me on my cheek. It took all of my willpower not to grab her and drag her back into the house with me. Tie her up to my bed and tell her tough shit, she was staying.
She stepped back, gave me a smile, and said, "Take care, Hell on Skates."
Without waiting for a response from me, she turned away and jogged to her father's truck. She never looked back at me again, but after he pulled out of the driveway, I saw her look at Ben and give him a final wave.
The pain that slammed into my chest was so staggering, I dropped to my knees. I did it under the guise of needing to hug Ben in support, but I was actually the one who needed it. Then I pulled him into my arms, picked him up, and carried him back in the house.
Kate was gone and my life officially sucked worse than ever before, and it all boiled down to the fact I was too fearful to do anything about it.
"Kate...hey, it's Ryker," he says into the phone, dragging me out of my morbid memories.
I watch him intently, trying to read every nuance of emotion on his face, since I can't hear her end of the conversation.
"So how are you doing?" he asks her, and then there is a long pause while he listens. He nods in understanding and then starts laughing. "Now, that doesn't surprise me."
What doesn't surprise him? Is she dating someone? Has she found another job? Did she just tell him that she hates me with a fiery passion?
"So listen...my ex-wife wants me to take full custody of my two little girls and I'm going to need a nanny. I was wondering if you're interested in the job."
Ryker pauses and listens to Kate. He listens for a long time. I pick up my beer and take a sip, trying to suppress my smile, because I know very well what's happening right now. She's on the other end of the line babbling. It's what she does best and I fucking miss it so bad.
"Okay, why don't you think about it and let me know in a few days," Ryker says once she runs out of steam.
I'm completely surprised that she didn't accept immediately. I know she needs a job, and Ryker would pay her damn good money. Worry courses through me as I wonder if she's abandoned her idea of returning to school.
"He's doing okay," Ryker says into the phone, his eyes pinning me. "He's standing right here...do you want to talk to him?"
Adrenaline rushes through me as I realize all at once that Kate has asked how I'm doing and that potentially in a matter of a few seconds I could be talking to her. My hands immediately start sweating and my heartbeat goes into overdrive. What would I even say to her?
I miss you.
Please come back.
I'll do anything to make you come back.
Unfortunately, Ryker smiles at me sadly with a small shake of his head and says into the phone, "Sure, honey...I understand. Just call me once you make your decision."
Fuck.
She doesn't want to talk to me.
Ryker hangs up and gives me a commiserating look. "I'm sorry, man."
Putting a brave face on, I shrug and take a long swallow of beer. "No worries. I'm not surprised."
But I am totally hurt and dismayed that I probably killed any care and affection she once had for me.
"She said she's going to think about it," Ryker says as he places his phone on the bar.
"What's to think about?" I muse out loud. "It's a great opportunity for her."
"I don't know. She sounded very unsure."
Christ. I hope to God I have not fucked with Kate's head so much that it's causing her to abandon her goals. I hope to God that the strong, opinionated, and goal-oriented woman that I've come to know is still on her A-game when it comes to her future career. If I fucked that up for her, I'll never forgive myself.
I drain the rest of my beer and Ryker starts to flag the bartender for another.
"Not staying, man," I tell him as I pull some money out of my pocket and throw it on the bar.
"Come on, dude," Ryker implores. "The last thing you need to do is go home and sulk."
"Sorry, bud," I tell him with a sympathetic look. "Just not in the mood to do anything else but."
He slaps me on my back and I turn around to head out of the bar. I really should take the opportunity to stay out tonight and get shit-faced drunk. Michelle is having Ben stay the night with her and Beau, and I
have no obligations otherwise.
Unfortunately, I'm going to do tonight what I do most nights. I'm going to castigate myself over what I did to Kate. Then I'm going to obsess over why I couldn't give Gina what she wanted. After that, I'll try to determine why I feel something for Kate that I never felt with Gina.
And finally, I'm going to absolutely refuse to believe that I could give Kate what she deserves, because even though she's different--what I feel is different--I have no right to put her at risk for further hurt and disappointment. I've already done it once and I won't do it again, no matter how much it kills me not to be with her.
Chapter 30
Kate
I hold my hand over my heart, look down in disbelief, and exclaim, "Oh. My. Word. You two actually ate all of your dinner."
Both girls grin at me from the kitchen table. Dark hair, gray eyes...they are both miniature versions of Ryker. Violet, who is the more quiet of the two, sticks a finger in her mouth, gives me a coy smile, and swings her legs back and forth. Ruby, however, is not quiet and bangs her fork on the table. "You said we could have a cookie."
I laugh and pick up their empty plates. "That I did."
I turn to Ryker, who sits there watching the dramatics unfold and hands his plate to me with a smile. "Thanks, Kate. That was delicious."
After dumping the plates in the sink, I grab three chocolate-chip cookies I had made yesterday from a plastic container and hand them out with a flourish to Ryker, Violet, and Ruby. "Enjoy, my fine peeps."
Yeah...this job turned out to be pretty spectacular. I was stunned to hear from Ryker last week, and even more so when he offered to let me talk to Zack, who was apparently there with him. I freaked--just slightly--and totally rejected the idea. I didn't have it in me to hear his voice. As much as I craved it, it would just hurt too much.
I told Ryker I would think about it. It took me about ten minutes after I hung up the phone to realize I would accept. How could I not? I needed the money if I wanted to start school in the fall. While it had been very easy for me to drop into a major funk when I returned home with my daddy, I still was very much focused on achieving my goals. It's just that after quitting my job as Ben's nanny, I became a little lost.
But I'm back. I called Ryker the next morning, accepted, and Daddy hauled my butt back to Raleigh, where I immediately started as nanny to my new precious wards, Violet and Ruby.