Big, big differences between girls and boys.
Honestly, the girls are more high-maintenance and require a different sort of tact. I figured that out early.
But they're a hell of a lot of fun, and my favorite part of the day is getting them dressed and putting their hair in pretty styles. They're like big dolls, and since I never had dolls to play with growing up, I was making up for some lost time.
There is a downside, though, to this new job.
It makes me miss Ben terribly...being here in Raleigh and watching two new children. I feel like crap because I abandoned him.
Ryker told me that Zack had not hired anyone else, not really needing to during the summer break. I guess the same holds true for Ryker, but he actually wanted me to start right away because, as much as he loved his girls, much of their care had fallen to his wife, and he was a little intimidated by the prospect. But everything I've seen so far shows him to be a fantastic father to them. He was just a little rusty on some things, and he's a terrible hair braider, so he's not allowed to do that anymore.
"Are you cool about tonight?" Ryker asks as he finishes up his cookie while I'm loading the dishwasher.
"Of course," I tell him, even though my heart starts to trip madly over the reminder. "Besides...this is your house. You're allowed to have whomever you want here."
"I know," he agrees. "It's just...I know it will be weird."
"Yes, it will," I tell him with a smile. "But I'll be the consummate professional, and besides that, I'm going to hide upstairs playing with the kids."
Ryker snorts and stands up from the table. "Want any help with the dishes?"
"Um...I notice you offered only after I finished loading the dishwasher," I tell him with a chastising look.
He laughs and shoots me a wink before walking out of the kitchen. "You are pretty damn smart."
I don't bother responding, but instead turn to the girls, "Okay, my beautiful French-Fried Peacocks. Let's go upstairs and get ready for your guest for the evening."
They both jump off their chairs and run through the living room, straight up the stairs yelling, "Yay! Ben's coming!"
Yup. I'm going to see Ben tonight and I'm so giddy with anticipation, I might just pee my pants. The weird part--and the unfortunate part--is that along with Ben comes Zack.
Ryker invited Zack and a few of his other teammates over to watch game five of the Eastern Conference Championships tonight. The Atlanta Sting has made it all the way...the classic Cinderella story. They're playing the Vancouver Flash and I know it has to be extremely hard to watch a team that trounced them make it to the conference finals with a shot at going for the Cup.
I know I'll have to see Zack. I can't just hide away since he's bringing Ben. But I also won't have to suffer in his presence either, as Ryker said I could keep the kids upstairs to play. That, at least, gives me a little peace of mind.
It's not that I don't want to see Zack. And it's not that I don't miss him.
I do.
So much.
But my heart is still very much battered, and I also feel like a complete fool for even getting my hopes up for a man who could not have been any clearer with me that I shouldn't expect something.
Stupid me.
Just as I start for the staircase, my phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket and smile when I see Sutton's name.
"Kate Francis...Adorkable Nanny to the Stars, at your service."
"You are completely adorkable," Sutton says with a laugh.
I smile to myself as I trudge up the stairs, phone pressed to my ear. "So to what do I owe this pleasure?"
And it is indeed a pleasure to hear from her. Sutton has stayed in constant contact with me since I left almost three and a half weeks ago. After about three phone conversations where she kept pushing and pushing at me, I finally broke down and told her the entire sordid truth about what happened between me and Zack.
And then she really wanted his balls for breakfast.
"You haven't RSVP'd yet," she says with censure. "You must RSVP."
"I told you I would probably come," I say, hedging, as I walk into the girls' room. They are setting up a tea service on a tiny little wooden table they have, and I just know Ben is going to be so happy to play tea party with them.
Not.
"Probably is not good enough. You must RSVP so I can count on you to be there," she whines into the phone.
"I don't know, Sutton," I say after huffing my breath upward to blow the bangs off my forehead. I walk over to Violet's twin bed and plunk down on it. "I'm not much of a party person."
Sutton and Alex are throwing a party this weekend. She has been yammering at me almost every day to get a commitment out of me that I'll come. They've hired a band and are having it catered. The whole works.
And I really don't want to because, as I said, it's just not my scene, but more important, I'm quite confident Zack will be there and I just don't want to have to watch him all night long. It would be torture for me.
"Besides," I tell her, "I'll probably need to stay here and watch the girls for Ryker."
"Nope," she says confidently. "Kids are invited and Ryker will be there with the girls. In fact, now that I think about it...I'm going to have him insist you come as part of your job."
"You are rotten," I tell her with a laugh, knowing I won't get out of this. As an afterthought, I ask, "Can I bring someone?"
"As in a date?" she asks with surprise.
"No...as in a friend," I set her straight. No way am I even close to wanting to date someone. My heart is still too bruised.
I was thinking about asking Mark. We've hung out once since I've returned and he's a huge hockey fan, so I know he'd get a kick out of coming to the party. Then I'd also be guaranteed to have someone to talk to rather than be the odd duck that sits alone in the corner.
"Of course you can bring someone," she chirps at me. "And I will take that as an official RSVP. I'll see you Saturday."
And then she hangs up on me before I can even argue with her further.
Devious, sneaky woman.
I think I might seriously love her.
--
I lay Ben carefully in the bed in the second guest bedroom, which is opposite the door from mine. He's conked out hard, as are Violet and Ruby in their own beds. After pulling the covers up over him, I lean down and kiss him on his forehead and then quietly back out of the room. I leave the door open so he can see the hall light if he needs something and then head downstairs.
Tonight could not have gone better for me if I had had some sort of divine intervention. My first sight of Zack since he'd broken my heart wasn't awkward at all. There was no room for it to be awkward, because when Ben laid his eyes on me, shrieked like a banshee, and hurtled himself into my arms, I didn't have eyes for anyone else but Ben. He hugged me so hard and started babbling about a million things, trying to catch me up on everything in his life.
After I got the little monster calmed down, I simply told Ryker that I'd be upstairs with the kids and carried Ben up so we could all play the rest of the evening. I didn't look back at Zack.
That doesn't mean that I didn't take a very quick peek when he first walked into the house. How could I not? He's larger than life and still is and always will be the most magnificent-looking man I'll ever behold. Just a two-second glance and I caught the slightly longer hair, dark washed jeans, and a fitted charcoal-gray T-shirt. I also caught the tanned and muscled arms and the way his thighs filled out the legs of the jeans perfectly. Most of all, I saw his anxious eyes as they roved over my face, trying to determine if he had destroyed me.
He was worried and that was sweet, but then I saw no more because my arms were full of Ben.
When I hit the bottom of the staircase, I immediately lock eyes with Ryker, who is sitting in his recliner, and I crook my finger at him. He gets up, crosses quickly in front of the TV so as not to block the view from the other guys, and walks up to me.
"The kids are a
ll asleep. I put Ben in the room across from me."
He nods. "Gotcha. Do you want to watch the rest of the game with us? The third period just started."
"No, thanks," I say with a smile as I finally let my gaze flick past his shoulder. Zack is on one end of the couch, casually reclined back, with an ankle propped up on the opposite leg. He doesn't look at me, eyes intent on the hockey action. There are two other guys in the room, one on the opposite end of the couch from Zack and the other on the loveseat. I don't know either of them.
"Well...okay, I'll see you in the morning," Ryker says, and turns away from me.
"Sure thing," I say, and then without another glance to the occupants of the living room, I trot back upstairs again.
Ryker's house is actually very similar to Zack's in size and features. Just like Zack's house, one of the upstairs guest rooms has its own en suite bathroom, which is really nice. Gives me extra privacy. Unlike Zack's, however, the basement isn't finished, thus the reason the guys are all in the living room watching the TV. No man cave available.
Once in my room, I gather some panties, a pair of sweatpants, and an old T-shirt out of my drawer. I leave my bedroom door open slightly so I can hear the kids and then walk into my bathroom to take a quick shower.
Sadly, there will be no hidden snakes or spiders here. Violet and Ruby would never do such a thing, and that makes me miss Ben all the more. Makes me also miss the way Zack would find it hilarious the way they would scare me. That first spider planted in my shower was one of the first times I had heard a genuine laugh from Zack.
I do a quick dry of my hair after showering and don my clothing. I would normally be in my pajamas by now, but just in case Ben wakes up, I want to be able to move without the worry of running into one of Ryker's guests in anything other than full clothing.
Sometimes I can hear the guys downstairs when they don't like a particular play. There are shouts and curses, and then Zack says, "Shh. Kids are sleeping." Then they're all quiet for a while...until the next play that has them shouting out.
Men.
I let myself get lost in a book. It's the easiest way for me to keep my mind off the fantastically gorgeous heartbreaker sitting downstairs. I've found over the last few weeks that keeping myself busy is the best medicine for my particular ailment. It's only in moments when I have nothing to do that I start thinking about Zack. About how closed off he used to be and how he actually didn't like me at first. I think about how he started to smile more and became comfortable with me. And then the attraction...and the forbidden looks and touches, and then when he finally crossed all boundaries and had sex with me.
It's a lot to think about, difficult to process, and, unfortunately, makes me sad I don't have any of it anymore.
The sound of heavy footsteps--more than one set--coming up the stairs manages to draw my mind away from the book I'm holding. By the murmuring of voices, I know it's Ryker and Zack coming up to get Ben. I don't want to see him, so I jump out of my bed, scurry to my door, and shut it quickly but quietly before they reach the end of the hall where I'm located.
My heart racing, I sit there a minute, listening as Ryker and Zack go into the room opposite mine.
Zack murmurs gently, "Come on, buddy. Time to head home."
Oh, how I miss that tender voice of Zack's that is reserved only for his son. I hadn't realized how much I loved it until I just heard it again.
I push away from the door, not wanting to hear anything else. Crawling back in bed, I pick the book up and start reading again. The faint murmurs outside my door finally recede and I'm completely alone again.
Not two minutes later, however, there is a light knock on my door and Ryker calls out, "Kate...you still up?"
"Yeah," I say as I put my book on the mattress and swing my legs out of bed to stand up. "Come on in."
Ryker walks in carrying a large square but thin package wrapped in brown paper in his hand. I eye it with interest. "What's that?"
He hands it to me, and when I take it, I'm surprised that it's slightly on the heavy side.
"It's for you," he says neutrally. "Zack brought it and wanted me to give it to you after he left."
I swallow hard, my throat starting to tighten and my stomach clenching. My eyes cut from the package to Ryker. "Do you know what it is?"
He smiles and nods. "Yeah. Go ahead and open it."
As I turn to the bed to lay the package there, I say, more to myself, "I don't think I want to."
Ryker walks up beside me, lays a gentle hand on my shoulder, and says, "Open it anyway."
My heart thunders as I put my fingers on the edge of the brown paper. What in the world could it be and, more important, why in the world would Zack give me anything? We are done. We are nothing to each other.
I peel back the paper, tearing it slightly where it's taped, revealing some type of framed print that is turned upside down on my bed. With no less trepidation than I started with, I go ahead and flip it over and gasp out loud.
It's my undergraduate degree.
My diploma that had been sent to Daddy's house.
Framed in cherrywood, matted in cream, with a solid piece of glass over the front.
"Oh, wow," I murmur as my eyes rove over it.
THE REGENTS OF NORTH CAROLINA STATE UNIVERSITY HAVE CONFERRED UPON ROBERTA KATHRYN FRANCIS THE DEGREE OF BACHELOR OF ARTS WITH A MAJOR IN PSYCHOLOGY WITH ALL THE RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES THERETO PERTAINING.
I turn to look at Ryker, who is staring at it with a smile on his face. "Nice, huh?"
"When? How?" I ask, bewildered.
He shrugs. "He called your father last week. Asked him to mail it to him so he could have it framed for you."
Tears prick at my eyes over the gesture. I had looked at the diploma once when I got to my daddy's trailer. It was in a rolled cardboard tube and I had a silly grin on my face as I read it over and over again. But I never thought I'd see it framed so soon because I just didn't have that type of money for what was essentially a luxury item at this point in my life.
"He doesn't expect anything," Ryker says quietly. "You don't have to call him or thank him or anything. He just wanted you to have it."
"Okay," I say, my voice quaking with emotion. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part relief, because again, it would hurt too much to even talk to him. But also a little sadness that he's essentially saying a final goodbye with this gift.
"Want to hang it in here?" he asks me suddenly. "This is your home now too. We can hang it tomorrow."
"Sure," I say with a tremulous smile, and swallow hard again so I don't start crying over Ryker's thoughtfulness. "That would be great."
Chapter 31
Zack
A lot can happen in just three days.
I've struggled for more than three weeks to try to reconcile the jumbled-up shit in my brain about Kate, and in the matter of just a brief moment three days ago, things started to become clear to me.
The moment almost brought me back down to my knees again, just the way Kate brought me down when she left.
It was when Ben saw Kate at Ryker's house and flew into her arms. It's been months since I've seen that kind of joy on his face. But what really started to lift the fog of uncertainty was the look on Kate's face. Happiness, relief, love, and devotion. All there. All pouring out of her eyes as she held Ben and listened to him chatter away at her.
The bond that Ben has with Kate is not something new or unknown to me. That wasn't what struck me.
What struck me about that moment was the way that I felt upon seeing those two together. For the first time since the accident, I felt completely at peace. It was a warm joy coupled with hope and excitement about the future. It's weird...hard to explain, but I just felt...right with the world.
I reflected on it all night, barely able to pay attention to the hockey game. I left Kate's framed diploma with Ryker, not wanting to make her uncomfortable by the gift or with having to talk to me. But even though we had no interaction with e
ach other, I still felt an unbelievable connection to her. The tether between us was still strong. At least on my end, it had not been broken as I had thought.
No, it had just been ignored and neglected because of my fears.
Now all I have to figure out is if Kate still feels that connection. Does she still have feelings for me? At the very least, can I start back over with her?
Scary prospect, yes, but not enough to scare me away now.
I mean, what the fuck do I have to lose? I've been so damn miserable since she left, even if she rejects me I'll at least have the solace of knowing I tried.
I've been here at Sutton and Alex's party for about thirty minutes now. Ryker just got here and I sent him a nod of greeting and he held a finger up, bringing Violet and Ruby over to a group of other kids where some of the wives were holding court. Ben was over there too, standing at a low table Alex had set up with Play-Doh, Slime, crayons, paint, and other fun activities. Sutton said they also hired a magician, who was going to be performing for the kids soon.
Not sure what this party is for. Alex and Sutton invited only people associated with the Cold Fury, but we already had our end-of-season party at Coach's house. When I asked, Sutton just rolled her eyes at me and said, "Who needs a reason to throw a party?"
True enough.
Ryker finally makes his way over to me, carrying two bottles of beer in his hand. I had finished my first one not long ago and was only going to have one more since I was driving, but now was as good a time as any.
"Cheers, my friend," Ryker says as he hands me a bottle and then taps his to the side of it.
"Thanks."
"So this is some event, huh?" Ryker asks as he looks out over the backyard. It's mid-May, but the evenings are feeling wonderful, with temps hovering in the upper sixties. Sutton hired a band and they're pretty decent. All cover stuff, but mostly rock and alternative.
There's plenty of food and alcohol, activities for the kids, and music by which to dance. All freakin' great, except here I am sharing it with my bud Ryker--no offense--rather than a beautiful yet dorky brunette whom I'm missing terribly.
"So where's Kate?" I go ahead and ask Ryker. No sense in beating around the bush. Sutton sort of let it drop about ten minutes ago that she'd be here. I wasn't sure if she would be, but Sutton confirmed it and I didn't even have to ask her.