Tobe shakes me away some time later, and when I open my eyes, I notice that it’s barely light out. She puts her finger to her lips, nods to Reese’s still sleeping form, and drags me from the couch as quietly as possible. She looks terrible with her un-brushed hair and her crumpled clothes, but she looks excited about something.
She shuts the door to our room behind us, and forces me to sit on one of the twin-sized beds. I sigh, “Tobe, what are you doing? It’s so early,” I complain, covering a yawn.
She shushes me, and starts to dig around in one of the three white bags against the wall. It looks like they’re filled with new clothes, and I groan. “You did not get me up this early to show me a new pair of jeans, did you? If you did, you’re gonna pay.”
“No, I do not want to show you a new pair of jeans,” she says. “Aha! Found it.”
She pulls a sundress from one of the bags and holds it up for me to see. It’s a sky blue color, sleeveless, and it has white flowers all over it. The dress isn’t truly remarkable, but it’s still one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in months. “You’ll look great in it,” I say, getting to my feet. “Now, I’m gonna go make breakfast since you woke me so freaking early.”
“Nope. I won’t look good in it. You will.” I laugh, and she shushes me again. “What is so funny? I picked this dress out specifically for you. I thought you might wanna look nice for Ryder, or Reese. Apparently it’s Ryder.”
I feel myself begin to blush, and I look away so she hopefully won’t notice. “Tobe–”
“Don’t even deny it,” she says, looking at me. “I’m hung-over, not stupid. Plus, I heard your little drama with Reese last night when I snuck out to use the bathroom. You and Ryder almost had a moment, and Reese ruined it. Now, you probably can’t recreate such a romantic moment as last night, but you can certainly look your best.”
“A sundress, as pretty as it is, is simply not practical anymore.”
“It’s a dress. It’s not practical, it’s beautiful. Its only purpose is to make you feel your best, and to make you happy. Plus, I think blue is definitely your color, and I’m sure Ryder will love it.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think he’s gonna think I’m stupid for wearing a dress to breakfast. He’ll probably just laugh at me or tell me I’m being immature or useless.”
“If he does, I’ll scratch his face off. Just put the dress on, and if you change your mind, you can always take it off and wear your nasty jeans that haven’t been washed. But I think you’re gonna feel better in this dress.”
I sigh, and take the dress from her. She turns around and gets dressed for the day while I slip on the dress. It fits almost perfectly, and it hangs down to my knees. I don’t feel particularly pretty or anything, but for some reason, it does actually make me feel better. I wonder if Ryder will disapprove…
Tobe throws a pair of flimsy sandals at me, and I sigh again. I hate dressing up, and it seems like a waste of time to me, but after last night I do want to try and get Ryder’s attention. This is probably the easiest way to do it, not to mention the safest.
I brush out my hair, adjust the dress a little, and follow Tobe out into the dining room. Ryder is sitting at the dining room table with a bowl of something that looks like blueberry oatmeal, and he looks up. His spoon halts halfway to his mouth, and I suddenly feel very foolish and insecure. What if he doesn’t like it?
Reese stops in the kitchen entryway and looks me over. He smiles. “Well, you two look nice.”
Tobe giggles, and takes a seat across from Ryder, leaving the place on his left empty and meant for me. I haven’t even taken two steps when Ryder’s voice stops me. “I think it looks stupid.”
“Ryder!” Tobe snaps, casting a quick, worried glance at me.
I look down at the floor, shifting uncomfortably. I want to turn around, run away, and lock myself in my room and burst into tears, but I can’t move. I need to know why he thinks what he does.
“Well, it does. This is the zombie apocalypse, not fashion week or some stupid shit. What happens if we were attacked right now? How would she escape wearing those sandals? How would she survive out in the cold or the rain with her legs and arms bare like that?” He looks at me. “I thought you were smarter than that.”
That one final sentence is what finally breaks the hold over me, and I turn around without a word, and shut myself in the room I share with Tobe. I lock the slam the door shut, lock it, and then rip off the dress and sandals. When I’m standing in nothing but my underwear, I throw the dress and shoes hard enough for the shoes to make a dent in the wall.
I’m crying, and I don’t fully understand why. All he did was criticize my chose of clothing, and instead I feel like he broke my heart, then spit on the pieces and ground them into the dirt with the hell of his boot. I don’t understand! How can one little statement make me feel so terrible?
There’s a knock at the door, and I wipe my cheeks with my hand. “Go away!”
“Sam?” Tobe asks cautiously. “Is it alright if I come in?” She tries to open the door, and I can hear her sight impatiently. “Sam, unlock the door, please. You can’t sit in our room all day sulking, trust me. I did it all day yesterday, and it sucked.”
“Just leave me alone!” I snap, unsure why I’m even angry at her. Then I know. “It was your stupid idea to wear the dress. I told you he would think it was stupid. I shouldn’t have listened to you. I should have been smart enough to realize that Ryder doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“That’s not true; he doesn’t want you, he just feels bad about it. Give it some time. You guys can still get to know one another a little before taking that leap. He just needs time to think of you as something other than a girl he’s protecting.”
I don’t answer her. Even though I know she’s trying to cheer me up, I can’t bring myself to stop crying. I’ve never felt this sorry for myself, ever, in my entire life, and all Ryder had to do to break my self-esteem was tell me that he thought I was smarter than that. One simple thought expressed, and I fall apart like a spoiled child.
I’m stronger than this…right?
I wish I was, but I don’t think I am. Ryder was able to shake my entire confidence with just one sentence; that doesn’t make me seem very strong. It makes me feel like a stupid child pretending to be an adult.
“Sam, please come out. Reese found two fishing poles in the garage and is going fishing in a few minutes, and one of us needs to go with him. I hate fishing. The worms, the smell of the fish, the hot sun…it’s all terrible. Please, I don’t wanna have to be the one to go. Get out of here and get some fresh air. Who knows, it might help.”
I sigh. “Alright, tell Reese I’ll be right there.”
I hear her walk away, and steal another moment to mope, before getting dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt. I leave the bedroom without one glance at the dress that’s lying crumpled up against the wall, and I push past Ryder without a word.
Reese is outside waiting for me with a fishing pole in both hands. He hands the smaller one to me, and I cringe. It’s bright red and obviously meant for a child. Just what I need right now…another reminder that a little boy used to live here and doesn’t anymore.
Reese shakes a light blue container with air holes at me and smiles. “I found this with the fishing gear. It had a bunch of dead, dried up worms in it, but I dumped it out and dug up some fresher ones by the lakeside. And I found the perfect place to fish from.”
I follow him without a word, and I think he realizes that I’m not feeling up to conversation just yet, because he doesn’t complain. He just leads me to a shaded, sheltered spot that’s about a two and a half minutes walk from the house, and he sets his rifle in the grass, and takes a seat next to it.
I down beside him and Reese teaches me how to put a worm on the hook. It looks barbaric and painful for the worm, and he laughs. “It’s a worm, Sam. I’m sure it doesn’t have feelings.”
I follow Reese’s every movement, and soon enough my
hook is in the water, and the two of us are waiting patiently for a bite. I’m not sure if there are going to be any fish big enough to eat this close to the shore, but I don’t want to find a boat to take out onto the water, not after what came after me last time I was out here.
“Try not to let him get to you.”
I glance over at him. “He’s not getting to me.”
Reese snorts. “Sam, just because you like Ryder more than you like me doesn’t mean I don’t want to be your friend now. You can talk to me if you want. I’ve been living with Ryder for years; I know how rude and standoffish he can be sometimes. After a while, you’ll realize it’s just his way of dealing with emotions he doesn’t understand.”
“What are you saying?”
“I think he feels the same way about you, he just either doesn’t know what to do about his feelings, or he’s worried about…well, hurting me. He saw the way we flirted back and forth at your apartment, and I’m sure he thinks that means I have a claim to you.” I snort, and he smiles. “I know that sounds stupid, but guys are that way sometimes.”
“Well, it doesn’t make sense.”
“Sure it does. Look at this from his point of view. He sees it as his responsibility to keep all of us, including you, alive. He constantly worries that he’s gonna screw up and get one of us killed, and I think when you came out in that dress earlier, he got a bit freaked out.”
“Why?”
“Since we met you, you’ve shown that you’re level-headed and intelligent enough to survive on your own. When you came out in that dress, he didn’t see that girl anymore. He saw someone like Tobe, someone that needs constant protection and supervision. That makes you harder to keep safe; it makes you easier to lose.”
“That’s stupid,” I say, looking away. “I can still take care of myself if I’m wearing a dress.”
“Hmm, I don’t think Ryder thought about that. But I think you should talk to him when we get back, and sort everything out.” Neither of us says anything for a few minutes. We just sit and watch our lines in the water, but I can tell that he wants to ask me something.
“Reese?”
“Why do you like him more than me? I’m just curious.”
I sigh. “Reese–”
“Sam, you and I can still be friends. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I’m just curious. Normally girls don’t go for Ryder over me. I just wanna know why you did.”
“I’m not sure why I feel the way I do about Ryder. He’s kind of rude, he gets angry in a heartbeat, he likes to mock people, and he’s impatient. When he found me at the bottom of that ditch, bleeding and crying, he could have been mean to me, but he wasn’t. He was actually gentle, and he cleaned my cut, and then carried me up the hill, all without making me feel terrible about myself.”
He thinks about what I’ve just told him, and I don’t rush him. “Hmm, is that it? That one moment together?”
“When we ran into those creeps at the SUV, he stepped in front of me to protect me, and he did the same thing when we found that psycho in bed with his zombie wife. He tried to shield me from their bodies. He’s been back and forth with me, but I think he might actually care about me.”
Reese nods. “See? I told you.”
I thought spending time with Reese would be really uncomfortable, but it’s really not. He doesn’t seem to hold my feelings for Ryder against me, and I think we might actually be able to be friends still. When I get a bite, he helps me reel it in, and it doesn’t feel strange, it just feels like one friend helping another.
That doesn’t make me feel any better about hurting him, even if he wasn’t in love with me. I still picked his brother over him.
Reese and I sit in the shade by the lake for a couple of hours, talking and sipping at our water bottles. Reese catches two fish, and I catch one, but it’ll be plenty for the four of us if we open a can of beans with it. With our catches in hand, Reese and I head back up to the house. I walk right by Ryder, and he doesn’t even bother to look at me, which hurts more than what he said earlier.
He won’t even acknowledge me right now. God, why does he have to be such a jerk?
Reese takes me out back and teaches me how to clean and prepare a fish. I’m a little squeamish at first, but I get the hang of it after a bit, and Reese applauds my work. We then hand the fish over to Tobe, who’s started a fire in the front yard. She fries the fish up, and I take some boiled water into the bathroom to wash and shave.
Dinner passes in near total silence. Ryder and I both stare down at our plates, and neither of us speaks once during dinner. Tobe offers to clear away our dishes, and I just take a book and head into the bedroom, because I don’t want to listen to Ryder’s moody silence any longer. When Tobe joins me for bed later, she looks at me, and just shrugs.
I blow out the candle on my bedside table, and the room goes dark.