b) A small group of men are horribly mistreating some survivors. You get the drop on them before they can get to their weapons. They ask you to cut them some slack; the world went to shit; the old rules don’t apply; you can join their gang if you let them live. You shoot them all, and interrogate the survivors to see what else they know. Then you release the survivors. You confiscate most of the bad guys’ weapons ammo, and supplies.
c) After many months of surviving the zombie apocalypse, you corner a zombie that can speak. It begs you to spare it. You decide to ask it some questions to see what it knows.
*d) All of the above are good moves except C.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #2 says, “Shoot first and ask questions later.” It also says, “When in doubt, shoot it out.” Rule #2 can be thought of as the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Golden Rule: Shoot unto others before they shoot unto you ~OR~ He who shoots first usually gets to keep making the rules. In a zombie pandemonium, you just have to have a better sense of the evil that men do. And since when do you try to have a conversation with a strangely acting zombie? As far as you are concerned, during a zombie pandemonium the only good zombie is a dead zombie. Leave the “let’s study zombies so we can better understand their motivations” nonsense to the experts. You’ll find people who think that everyone deserves a second chance in a zombie apocalypse. You will need to ignore your What Would Jesus Do instincts, at least temporarily. Nice guys definitely finish last (die first) in a zombie apocalypse, unless they get with the program and save niceties and civility for long after the zombie apocalypse is over.
45. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #3 and #4, which of the following is a bad move?
*a) You are all alone and in a very safe place. A large group of survivors appears to have formed a well-run operation. They are looking to reestablish order. They reach out to you and other survivors and invite you to join them in their compound and help them rebuild society, but you will have to play by their rules once you join. You accept their offer.
b) You are all alone and low on food and ammo. You come across a survivor compound and you observe them for a while. You see some abusive and vile things going on in the compound. The leader appears to be psychotic. You intend to approach them and ask for shelter because you are impressed with how many good things they have inside their compound.
c) You recruit other survivors to join your survival network and you soon have a number of safe places to go for shelter.
d) You come across a small group of survivors. They do not have good leadership. They are barely surviving. They are good-hearted and tough, but they have low skills. You decide to teach them some of your survival skills. You stay with them until they develop into a much better fighting and survival group.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #3 and mainly Rule #4 both say, “Build a survival coalition, league, union, partnership, or alliance.” A is the best option. C is not a bad option, but if you form a loose coalition, those members could turn on you and will likely give away all your secrets as soon as they run into some real assholes. D is not a bad option either, but a group like this decreases your chances of survival at first and then increases your chances of survival in the long run. You’ll have to weigh things out when the time comes. The worst move is joining a coalition of psychotics; a coalition of evil. Evil sometimes looks good. You have to see past appearances if you want to survive the zombie apocalypse. A lot of people will face the ultimate test of their personal integrity and morality during a zombie apocalypse. Would you rather die honorably or live with psychotics and evil people? When your principles and moral compass fail to provide you with shelter, water, food, and security, will you abandon your personal code and do what you have to just to live another day? Will you tolerate evil people to survive another day? Maybe the best strategy is to accept that an evil coalition is better than no coalition. Maybe the best strategy is to join the evil coalition with a plan to change it from the inside. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen or heard of good people changing evil groups from the inside. I’ll use the great basketball coach, John Calipari’s analogy. “All it takes is one speck of poop to ruin an entire bucket of ice cream. Likewise, there is no amount of ice cream you can add to a bucket of poop to make it anything more than a bucket of poop.” This means if you have a good coalition (ice cream), never let a speck of poop (bad people or weak people or evil people) in the door. If you are a good person (ice cream), you have to appreciate that there is no number of good people you can add to an evil coalition (a bucket of poop) that will turn that coalition into ice cream. Keep poop out of your ice cream and don’t add your ice cream to a bucket of poop. You should throw out the contaminated ice cream and start over even though plenty of people will fight with you to the end trying to convince you that tainted ice cream with only a speck of poop in it is still pretty good ice cream. I hope this helps.
Prevention is the best cure…Did you get a flu shot yet?
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46. According to the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rules, which of the following is a bad move?
a) You have marked your map showing all the best places in your zombie infested town where there is food, shelter, and weapons. You’ve also marked places to avoid because there are bad guys in your town too.
b) You found a room in the upper floor of a three-story building where you can make a nice shelter. You spend a couple of days there making it safe and planning and practicing quick escapes. You are pretty sure no zombies can get into this place. It has a nearby source of water. You don’t stay there long. You mark your map and now start looking for another safe place to shelter.
c) You come across a survivor who is seriously injured. His friends left him here to die. He says he was bitten and he feels the fever starting. He doesn’t expect to survive. He asks you to shoot him now. You first get him to tell you everything he knows…where his shelter is…who his friends are/were…the location of anything you can use to help you. You then you suffocate him and then chop into his head.
*d) All of these are pretty good moves in a zombie apocalypse. None of these violates The Rules.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #3 says, “Thou shalt seek: 1. Shelter – 2. Weapons – 3. Water – 4. Food – 5. Allies. These are the survival priorities in this precise order. Once you go into survival mode, you should work on these priorities. After this, you can seek: 6. Eradication of zombies – 7. Restoration of order – and 8. Rebuilding society.” When you’ve gotten your flu shot, when you’ve made proactive plans for survival, when you’ve survived the pandemic flu, and where you have exceptional shelter, where you have access to lots of weapons and ammo, where there’s plenty of clean water, where you’ve got dependable food, and where you’ve got supportive allies, then here is where you will have a better chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse, but inevitably you will likely die anyway. It’s the struggles along the way that color your life.
47. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #5, which of the following is a good move?
*a) Building a fire in a way that zombies and other bad guys cannot see it.
b) Stockpiling 9mm pistols and 9mm ammo.
c) Leaving the keys to a working vehicle in the ignition because zombies can’t start cars and you don’t want to be fumbling with keys when you need to make a quick getaway.
d) All of these are good moves according to Rule #5
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #5 says, “Don’t go out at night.” While all of B and C are good moves, they do not pertain to Rule #5. Rule #5 is a rule I insisted on adding because in too many zombie movies you see people getting attacked at night. Why? Because to Hollywood it’s just psychologically more frighte
ning and dramatic to show zombies attacking at night. You can also hide bad zombie make-up if you film at night and in other low light conditions. In reality, you are just as likely to get attacked by zombies either during the day time or during the night time. The trick is to make a plan to shelter down at night. By this, I mean you want to use night time for what it’s evolutionarily supposed to help you with; rest and recovery. Several studies report that later stage zombies can operate better at night. They develop keener senses that help them locate and attack targets. Typical zombies have all their senses, which are not any keener at night than otherwise. Survivalists should keep in mind that zombies are attracted to people through more than just the basic levels of sense and perception. They can sense where you might be. So it is a given fact that when you shelter down at night, you should expect zombies nearby when you finally wake up. This makes people think, makes people feel that zombies are more likely to attack either just after dusk or especially right before dawn, but that’s just a perception. Zombies will have had all night to locate you and even typical zombies can locate the best hiders with enough time. So, it’s good to use decoys at night, like a pet pig that you keep or something like that which is kept in a container that zombies can’t get into and this way the typical zombies are really attracted to the pig while you can keep quiet all night. They just may never notice you, if you’re smart.
48. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #6, which of the following is a bad move?
a) Setting fire to zombies.
*b) Going sleeveless and wearing short pants.
c) Scaring your friends by pretending to be a zombie.
d) All of these are bad moves according to Rule #6.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule# 6 says, “Dress for success.” All of these are bad moves, but only B pertains to Rule #6. Here I must ask again, how many Hollywood movies have you seen with scantily clad babes running through the jungle, with jiggly wiggly college coeds running through a combat zone, with half-naked buxom hussies frolicking through a disaster area, with goofy bodacious half-dressed bimbos bouncing around a zombie apocalypse, all paired with men, perhaps fully dressed and combat ready male survivors eagerly helping these daisy-dukes wearing cheerleading squad rejects who can barely keep their tops from falling down or their shorts from riding up to high? Okay, first of all, I get it. Sometimes after I rewind these zombie movie scenes showing these hot babes two or three times or more and sometimes play them in slow motion, I’m left shaking my head. I’m not saying they should stop making these movies. I am saying that if YOU are the kind of person who would run through the jungle, scamper through the combat zone, traipse through the disaster scene, and/or scurry through the urban zombie apocalypse dressed like you are ready for a game of beach volleyball, you will die. I, on the other hand, have a nice collection of motorcycle racing suits, combat fatigues, leather, and denim, to include gloves, goggles, helmets, elbow and knee pads, and face masks to go to work in during the zombie apocalypse.
49. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #7, which of the following is a bad move?
a) Going back into the heart of a zombie infested big city just to see if anyone from your family survived.
b) Staying in the city because it’s warmer than going out into the wilderness.
c) Staying in the city because you would rather deal with zombies than deal with the crooked assholes outside the city.
*d) All of these are bad moves according to Rule #7.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #7 says, “Get out of town.” I just watched the movie Contagion, which was sponsored by the CDC, and which is one of the best pre-zombie apocalypse movies I have ever seen. When you watch that movie again, think about the potential of a pandemic zombie outbreak starting right at about Day 30 of the pandemic flu outbreak (the last few minutes of the movie). Watch how quickly social services become depleted, watch how quickly people become desperate, watch how quickly the world appears to become hopeless, and then right at the moment of sprouting hope at finding a vaccine for the deadly flu, ask yourself if now is when the zombie outbreak reports should start rolling in. Of course Contagion ends before we hear that the local National Guard has responded to a series of mass hysteria cannibalism riot incidents; this is what we ZORT people call Z-Day. Shit is going to get bad real quick after this! And in the news today I saw more CDC reports about how we keep having bigger and bigger flu outbreaks over the last ten years. But wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah... Getting out of town. In a pandemic outbreak, the big cities are the most vulnerable places. The bigger the town, the bigger the risk. In the earliest stages of an outbreak, the government will encourage social distancing: staying away from sick people. So get your flu shot, wash your hands, stay away from sick people, telework if you can, and have a pandemic plan for where you can go to get away from the city and know when is the best time to go. The main people in the Contagion movie waited too late to try to get out of town. The National Guard quarantined all the big cities and blocked people from leaving. Remember: after a certain point, the best government outbreak response is to let the outbreak run its course. You don’t want to be on the wrong side of our government’s outbreak containment protocols. You definitely don’t want to be on the wrong side of our government’s aggressive zombie outbreak containment protocols.
50. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #8, which of the following is a bad move?
a) Joining a rule-free hippie compound that celebrates the end of society and that is anti-government, anti-establishment, and pro-narcotics in a consequence free environment.
b) Networking with other survivors to create a decision-making approach to long-term survival and mutual support and then violating that network for your own selfish reasons.
c) Disrespecting these words attributed to Tecumseh, Shawnee Chief:
“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and
demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life,
beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and
its purpose in the service of your people.
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and
bow to none. When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the food and
for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks,
the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and nothing,
for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.
When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts
are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes
they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again
in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home."
*d) All of these are bad moves according to Rule #8.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #8 says, “You must protect your government.” This rule may surprise you. It’s in here because Z-Day is the start of a war against the Z-virus. Z-virus thrives on social confusion. You must protect your government, support it, and grow it. This gives you and everyone else the best chance of long term survival. Because stumbling bumbling zombies are not the worst of your worries in a pandemic zombie outbreak, you need to quickly form into strong communities and start taking the war to the Z-virus. The zombie hives are coming! Are you and your merry band of misfits ready to save the world? Well I’ll do what I can. It sure would be nice to have some help. Much
to my chagrin, assholes, idiots, and wimpy people have no limitations on their rates of sexual reproduction. For most of them, when it's their time to go, it's their time to go. You are reading my articles and taking my tests and hopefully following my guidance, so you should, yeah, you will be okay.
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Final Word
Well my dear friends, that’s a wrap on the answers to the 50-questions for my The Definitive Zombie Apocalypse Survival Test. Again, your goal is to get 100% correct. So how did you do? If you suck, don’t worry, I will keep posting remedial zombie survival guides frequently until the start of the Pandemic flu outbreak. Look for my content on YouTube. Look for me on podcasts. Read my blog. Follow me on Twitter and Facebook and I’ll let you know when I appear on TV or consult with a government agency or for any zombie movies, TV shows, or video games. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival guides in the meantime. Come back and try this test again later and see if it’s all clearer by then. Be sure to use scratch paper and show your work.
Next, I think I’ll try some new zombie ideas you’ve probably never seen before and also continue the discussion on tactics and strategies. Thanks for reading my guides. I know I’m not the nicest guy in the world or the best writer. I know I’m not going to win a prize or impress the ladies. I’m just trying to save the world with what I got, while I can.
Prevention is the best cure…Did you get a flu shot yet?
Do you wash your hands each and every time after using the restroom?
Do you use hand sanitizer randomly during the day?
Do you hug on and love on sick people?
Do you have children who are worthless or have a negative impact on you in a pandemic event?
See... that’s what I mean! I'm very disappointed in you.