Chapter 7
Smiling, Raven sat at her desk glancing out of the window at the beautiful sunny day. An image of Drake lying on the seat with his head on her lap sleeping was engraved in her mind. The drive home last night had been so precious. He had even sweetly kissed her goodnight after walking her to her door, and making her promise not to change her new t-shirt.
“Agent Somers.”
Jerking, Raven stood and looked to her boss’s office, “Y-yes, sir?” Thankfully, her boss always talked before he actually walked out of his office. He always did seem to know exactly who was in the office and where they were.
“I was going to send you down with the pickup team, but I saw that you have been gone from the service for just under a year. That plus the time since you last qualified for shooting makes it way over a year now. So your firearms qualifying is out of date and we will have to rectify that before allowing you to go into protection.”
Raven’s hands shook, a strange paleness crossed her features. Quickly, she sat down trying hard to compose herself.
“Go ahead and head over to the shooting range at the training complex. I’ll call Agent Pierce to let him know you’re on your way. When you’re done, just work out in the weight room, or swim, and then consider that your day. You have really helped me out with the mountain of paperwork on my desk this morning. You know, agents that actually enjoy doing paperwork is hard to find. I’m really thankful for your help. Have a nice weekend.”
Schooling her voice to not shake, Raven forced a smile, “You too, sir. You’re welcome.”
Walking to her car, Raven found herself fidgeting even more with her gun. It seemed so weighty, and it pressed even harder against her side. Wiping her forehead, Raven looked at her watch, and let out a breath of relief. She had heard that last week the training class had their shotgun training, and so their personal handheld firearms training would have been this morning before the lectures. If she was the only one in the shooting booths then she should be fine. She turned her radio transmitter down, and attempted to prepare herself for what was ahead. She had been one of the top shooters in her class, and then that had carried on into the field. So this really was no big deal. Raven forced her mind to only focus on how she had felt during training. Smiling, Raven took a deep breath as she made a right turn at the stop sign. Her go-getter attitude was out and she was ready. Flashing her ID to the gate guard, Raven was even able to carry on a small conversation with him.
Instead of driving down to the range Raven turned into the main parking lot. On such a gorgeous day she would walk, just as they had always done in training. Raven took off her jacket, grabbed her small black weapons bag and headed off for the walk. If she could pass this, then maybe she would be okay for the protection detail and wouldn’t have to go to a field office.
Rounding the corner through the mock town, a soft smile lightened her features when she remembered how Drake had tenderly wiped the tears from her face, and had carried her away that night. She had been so lost then. And it was so hard to believe that it was only a few days ago when that had happened. Today was a good day. Thank you, Lord for another beautiful day.
Shock slammed through her, stopping her from walking. Tenderly, she looked to the sky smiling wide. Thank you, Lord I am finding my way, and I will find you again. A familiar peace came over her, her heart leapt for joy, and she was sure that she would have skipped the rest of the way if her ankle had not been so sore.
“Okay, Agent Somers. Of course, you know the drill. Here’s your protective gear, clips, and bullets. Go ahead down to the last stall and do your shootin’ thing.”
Smiling, Raven headed to her stall. An uneasiness tried to rear up, but she quickly squashed it. This was business, it was routine. Nothing more, nothing less. Immediately she placed her protective gear on and set her box of bullets down.
Raven followed the simple procedures routine. Dropping her clip, she then clicked her bullet out. Look, look away, look, look away, look, look away...three times, still empty. Opening up the box of bullets, Raven looked straight ahead to where the targets were hung, and blindly loaded her clips. So caught up in her routine, Raven started actually hearing a trainer explaining the blind loading technique. Three extra clips done and she was ready for the 100 yard shooting all the way down to the 10 yard.
The first clip was great. She smiled as her last bullet in the gun hit the perfect place on the target. The silhouette moved forward. Not taking her eyes off the target, Raven quickly dropped and loaded a new clip. Bulls eye, over and over again. The silhouette moved forward. Same thing. Raven was so focused on what she was doing that she didn’t hear the class stepping up into their stalls. The silhouette moved forward. Shoot, drop and load. The silhouette moved forward on the last round. Gun shots sounded from her left.
The dark form on the silhouette loomed before her. Her palms began sweating. Suddenly frozen in fear, Raven couldn’t speak. More gun shots rang out, this time she would shoot. This time she would! Sweat beaded her brow, the night air became thick with tension. Her hands tightened their grip on her weapon. Sweat poured down her shirt as the scene from that night played out in her mind. Her partner’s angry command struck her hard, ‘Get to cover, get to cover!’ Instantly she obeyed and at the same time another gun shot rang out. Pain seared through her ankle and up her leg as she crumbled down to the ground, her arm burning. Her gun slipped from her grip, and Raven balled up into the fetal position. Still more gunshots rang out. Her ears grabbed her protective gear, and she moaned.
“Raven. Raven, sweetheart. Shhhh, its Zeak. It’s alright, you’re safe.” His hand rubbed her back.
So caught up in her pain, Raven began rocking.
Zeak turned back to Lawrence, “Get the others quick, then come back in here and get the keys so we can sneak her out the back. He turned back to Raven, who was hiding under her shooting stall table. She was all balled up and rocking, her hands holding her protective gear against her ears in a death grip. Drake would be furious when he found out. He would readily assume that Zeak had went behind his back and had made that call without preparing ahead of time. He looked to her target and was amazed by all of the bullets that she had managed to shoot. All of them where direct hits, there was not even one that swayed. She was not frightened of her gun, but the sound of others. Getting down on all fours, he leaned in closer to her so no one else could hear him, “Raven, its Zeak. You’re at the shooting range. Honey, you’re alright. Look at me.”
She rocked harder, her mind so lost in pain, and fright.
“All ready, Zeak. The distraction has started. Get her out of here.”
Zeak quickly picked her up and ran to the back door, completely covering her body with his. The door swung open and he ran towards their SUV. Techy took her from him, and jumping in, Zeak yelled, “Get to the gym.”
Techy was carefully wrapping her up into a soft blanket, all the while whispering to her. Turning to Zeak, he frowned, “Drake’s been notified. SAIC said that he would take care of getting him out there quickly. Don’t worry, I made sure to inform him that you did not go behind Drake’s orders and make the call without preparing. He was going to relay the info to Drake.”
Zeak nodded. He looked to Raven’s pitifully pale, shaking figure. “I think she just relived that night.”
“Yeah.” Techy’s hand lightly rubbed her back. “But, maybe that’s what she needed in order to be able to truly start healing from it.”
“Maybe.” Zeak fixed her blanket some more. He rubbed his head, he really wished there could be the perfect manual to read, or study for these types of situations. But no one really knew how they would handle them when they came. His hand lifted her ponytail, and he rubbed under her neck. “You’re okay, Raven. Drake is coming.”
Her shaking intensified. Raven held onto her headset even tighter, so afraid that if she would lessen her grip then
she would hear more shots being fired, and be hurt by them.
Clearing the trees, Zeak watched Drake running towards them. Drake’s concern deepened as he saw her.
“Sweetheart.” He tucked her head into his chest as he lifted her. He ran into the gym, and carried her over to the couch that they had just pulled out from the office. Sitting down, he carefully unwrapped his beautiful package. “Sweetheart. Raven. I’m here.” She was so very pale, and her eyes were squeezed shut. Carefully, he touched his lips to hers, “Raven, my sweetheart. Come back to me.”
Raven flinched. Her eyes opened and she instinctively grasped his neck, hiding her face in his chest. Her headset fell off and all she could hear was his soothing voice. “Drake. I was so scared.”
“Yes, baby. I know, but I’m here now, it’s all over.” His hand spanned her head, he did all he could to make her feel safe, and secure.
Her voice, slightly muffled by his shirt, called out to him, “I tried to shoot that night. I did. But I couldn’t get a clear shot. I saw a figure, but I still couldn’t make sure it wasn’t one of us. So I didn’t take it, instead I froze. All of that training, all of that shooting, and I couldn’t do anything. I just froze, waiting. I’m such a coward.”
“No you are not a coward. You did exactly what you were supposed to do.” Drake lifted her head as he said that, to make sure she listened to him.
“Raven? Drake’s right. I have read that report and I also talked to a few people about it. You did exactly what you were supposed to do that night, stay down and stay quiet. By doing that you allowed your partner, who was in a better position to observe the situation, to determine what was to be done. The report further indicated that had you both not silently communicated in this way, and had you not instantly obeyed him by taking cover, then you would have most likely been shot in the head. I know you’re a great shooter, but I am thankful that you did not behave as some of us might have, by being too sure of ourselves. There are many law enforcement people out there that rely only on their own ability, and don’t trust those with them. You reacted perfectly by not reacting.”
Zeak reached out and touched her arm, “The final report also stated that when you fell had your ankle not snapped throwing you into the opposite direction, then the shot would have still hit you near the neck. In a place that your bullet proof vest doesn’t cover, and so it grazed your other arm instead. You never did read that full report did you?”
Raven looked to Zeak and shook her head. “Dad was supposed to come home and help me deal with it.” Tears streamed down her face. “But then that black car showed up in my driveway.” She turned, tucking her face back into Drake’s shirt. “Trying to deal with Dad’s death was more precedent than what I had gone through. I couldn’t handle them both.”
“Raven, because you never answered his calls, my buddy was really concerned that you were wallowing in wrongful guilt. He had heard from a friend of his, who happens to be one of the members of the 21-gun salute detail at Arlington that you had specifically asked them to wait on the salute until after you had left. He was really worried about you, but he said that he did not want to cause you any undo pain with having to deal with the death of your father as well as heal from this incident. It was unfortunate this happened, but you have to believe that you did all you could do.”
Lifting her head, Raven smiled at Zeak, “Thank you very much for sharing that with me.” As she went to stand, Drake stopped her.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Okay, but get right back here.” He kissed her hand before he helped her shed the blanket.
Raven shut the bathroom door, and leaned against it. What was she doing clinging to Drake? They were in two completely different worlds, what could even become of a relationship with him? Even if he was serious on the point of a long-term relationship leading to marriage, there was no way she was even First Lady material. So much grace, and poise...she definitely did not see herself as that. And she was definitely not someone even up on the latest fashion trends. They would probably be continuously making a mockery of her because of being seen for the second or third time in the same dress, or not having enough style. Not to mention the scandal that would weigh heavily on the service, and she did not want to be the cause of that. It didn’t matter that it was just two people enjoying each other, getting to know each other, they would still twist it for their own purposes, or try to figure it out. And that would bring more major problems. It still struck her as amazing how the press could turn something that could be so beautiful into something so horrifying, and vice versa. Well, it wouldn’t happen because she was not going to let that happen.
Rubbing her eyes, she slid to the floor. Trying to ignore the sudden pain in her chest, Raven looked to the ceiling in disbelief. Regretfully, all this time she had been plagued by a false guilt. Why hadn’t she listened to her father’s words that kept coming to her mind over the last months?
‘Guilt is not from God. He may use it at some point to bring a believer to repentance, but once repented of that deed, then that’s it. Self-discipline is what you need, control your thoughts. Ask for forgiveness and then move forward in Jesus, baby girl. Ravie, He forgives you immediately, believe it. Any more thoughts of guilt afterwards, well, that is from the evil one; who tries to build strongholds in your mind and in your life. And Jesus is so much greater than that, He has wiped out all strongholds because He loves you. Do not give into it, baby girl!’ And all along, over these last ten months, that is exactly what it had been, false guilt; and another stronghold being built in her mind. There had been no basis for it. If only she had believed.
And how many more times had she prayed for forgiveness, and waited, and waited for the feeling to just go away? Then she had prayed for the same thing over and over again when it had not come, with more waiting. During which she had even remembered her father’s distinctive words regarding mindful torture, ‘Remember God is greater than feelings and emotions, do not rely on the confirmation of them to appear. Come on, baby girl, self-discipline is what you need. You have to discipline yourself to believe and only think on God’s Holy Word over each situation in your life. Jesus forgives you, you know that because you are a believer in Christ, and you have been saved. You ask for forgiveness, and He immediately forgives you. Anything against that is from the evil one. And, Ravie, you don’t have to ask over and over again. Once and done, just know and believe, and the Holy Spirit will help you!’
The Holy Spirit had reminded her over and over again, but by not listening to those words for herself, the stronghold had been built. The thoughts of how wrong she was during the incident had literally eaten away at her confidence and her state of mind. And it was also the very reason why she had little drive at getting back to work sooner. Self-discipline is what she hadn’t had, and what she had really needed. Her father had been so right. Jesus had already provided the way for her, she just didn’t take it, and instead relied on what she felt and knew in her mind, which had been so very wrong.
Raven shook her head. All during this week she had also been expecting to be drilled over and over again about that night. Those first days after the incident had robbed her of peace while she was in the hospital. And when they finally did release her from the questioning, and the hospital, she had run home to wait on her dad to return in order to help her make sense of it all. She didn’t answer the phone calls because she had assumed they would continue to drill her, or put her down for her lack of action. And with not having her dad with her, she knew mentally she wouldn’t have been able to deal with it.
Raven hung her head between her knees. She was finally set free of that night, and the ironic thing was she had always been free. She hadn’t believed, and so she had lacked the confidence that Jesus had forgiven her. Because of that she hadn’t answered the phone call from the investigator
that would have given her the knowledge of knowing that she was indeed set free.
‘Don’t trust in what you are going through, baby girl, Trust in God, the only One who will be able to bring you through it. We never do know what is really happening, so don’t get so sure of yourself! You need to cultivate a relationship with the Holy Spirit so that He can guide you, only He truly knows what is going on. Trust Him, not yourself. So come on and wake up, baby girl. You have a job to do, Ravie!’
Those lectures from her father had always found her rolling her eyes at him as a teenager. She never could quite figure out how her father thought that he would know what a female teenager went through. And all along, her dad had known because he was a valuable Christian that was rare and hard to find. He had always put Christ first, thereby he was always fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit, Who knows all things. Why had she not listened to those same words during the past months? Because of the selfish stronghold that she had allowed, and even turned towards to help build. And now she was having to clean up more messes because of that lack of belief, and lack of self-discipline. Amazing how lack of self-discipline easily led to lack of belief.
Raven’s heart leapt, her whispered words echoed in the bathroom, “Thank you Jesus, and please forgive me for turning away from you. Help me to turn more fully towards you, I love you so much. Thank you for forgiving me, and may I start turning to you in all things as my father had always tried to teach me.”
“Raven, are you okay?”
Clearing her throat, Raven sat up straighter, “Uh, yes. I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Okay, Drake is getting a little worried.”
“I’m alright, I’ll be out soon.”
“Okay.”
A few minutes later, Raven felt renewed and ready to move on. Seeing that Drake was thankfully on his cellphone, Raven walked over to the punching bag in the far corner where Zeak was working out.
“I’m ready to leave now, Zeak.”
Wiping the sweat from his brow with his taped hand, Zeak smirked. “Oh really? Well,” jerking his head up towards the entrance of the gym he continued, “What does Drake have to say about that?”
“Well, I really do not see where it’s any of his business. I have some things that I need to take care of in order to keep my job, and to provide for myself.”
“Sorry, but I beg to differ.”
Hands on her hips, Raven fumed, “I don’t care if you ‘differ’ it makes no difference to me.” Taking a deep breath, Raven lowered her eyes praying for calm, “Listen, this is not how I wanted to talk to you, I just...I’m so thankful for all of you helping me out at the range, then with your kind words that I so desperately needed to hear. You and your friends have done so much for me this week, but I need to move forward. I need to deal with...” wiping her brow, she hesitated, “the shooting and my weird problem with hearing gunshots, and the flashbacks and the nightmares. I know that I am currently less than the agent that I should be, and I may have to transfer back to the field because I can’t protect anyone in this condition.” She swallowed with some difficulty, “I know this. That is why I am trying to get off of the children’s detail. And I need to provide for myself, I have nothing else, and no one else to rely on.”
Raven took a deep breath, “I probably should resign, but I don’t know what I would do if I do leave the service. And I’m afraid I would feel more lost then what I am already experiencing. I have always had a special place in my heart for law enforcement. This is the only lifestyle that I know, well, other than growing up as a military brat. And as I’m sure you are aware, there is no way I could even join the military and become a cop right now because of my ankle. It’s,” Raven blinked back another tear, “not completely up to par yet. I’m sorry, I’m rambling, but I just need to deal with what happened today and go back and talk with Agent Pierce about shooting my last round. Please take me there, I need to move on.”
“You are not rambling. You need to talk, and I think part of the problem is that you haven’t talked to anyone. So I’m thankful you feel comfortable talking to me. But I can’t take you over there right now unless Drake says it’s okay, and don’t worry you did enough to qualify.” He shrugged, and chuckled, “You couldn’t do anything more after the incident that happened between the two CAT guys in there anyway. In fact it was so bad that the entire class had to evacuate. So you are completely cleared. Raven, you had already shot enough to qualify before you stopped.”
“What incident?” Her eyebrows raised. “You guys got me out of a problem again, didn’t you?”
Zeak smiled, “It was fun for them. Like two kids in a candy store.”
“Okay, then make this fun. If you can’t just let me walk out of here, or take me to the complex to get my car, then sneak me out of here. So he doesn’t know.”
“Cute try, but...” he proceeded to exaggeratingly think about it, “no.”
Throwing her hands up, Raven ground out, “What happened to agent solidarity?”
“Protectee’s needs always, always come first. It’s our sworn duty.”
Growling, Raven stomped her foot and grabbed her hair. “Please, Zeak. I have to move on, I have to get out of here and away from him. Please, I need to get away and think. And if I stay, I will lose everything I have left, don’t you understand? The last thing I could deal with right now is disgracing the service over some guy!”
“How do you know that you aren’t moving forward? Just because you aren’t controlling your move forward, or doing what you think you have to do to move forward, doesn’t mean you aren’t moving forward correctly. Don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand, trust Jesus and take it one moment at a time. Try not to plan too far ahead.”
“What? We spend our whole careers planning ahead, how can we not?”
“Exactly. Then we should want to take that break we need from planning our personal lives too far ahead. You know there is danger in always planning ahead in our jobs, too, because we get frustrated and stuck when things don’t go as we have planned. There should always be a healthy balance with the ability to move forward regardless of the plans. Hey, you’re forgetting that in training they drive those same principles into us.”
“But when a decision could disgrace the service, an agent should take all precautions necessary to not let that happen.”
“You can’t begin to compare this with what those misguided agents did overseas, or some of the other ones who for their own selfish desires have done so by trying to cheat the system. This is different. The problem is also the fact that people are too worried about what others will say. And one of the best things to do is to let the Lord cleanse you of that because it ruins a lot. In fact no matter how great or truthful something is, there will always be someone on earth trying to twist it around to make it look bad.” He pointed at her, “Every law enforcement agent is aware of that with the media, and everyone else not involved in a case. They try to speculate because they can’t quite understand or put it together because they don’t have all of the facts. In fact, come to think about it, I think everyone sometimes ends up doing that, including you, when you don’t understand what is happening but still have to have the reason for it, or explanation. So stop it, stop thinking too much.” With that he started punching his bag.
“Please, Zeak, just help me. Please. I have got to get alone and think.”
Warm, strong arms came around her waist from behind, startling her. Drake’s voice kept talking on the phone, and she tried not to listen. She looked to Zeak and mouthed, “Please help me.”
He pointed his finger in her face, “I told you, stop thinking.” And with that he left.
“Yes. No, I see your point, however it’s wrong and I don’t want that in my speech...”
Along with trying to mentally block her ears, Raven tried to control the response of her body to his nearness. Hearing him quietly chuckling and leaning in to graze hi
s lips across her neck confirmed that she hadn’t quite managed that.
“Hey, Robert, I have to go. Yep, I’ll talk to you later.” Drake tucked his phone back into his pocket and joined his hands across her stomach. “Mmmm. I could stand like this all day long.”
“Drake, I’ve got to go. I have to go get my car, and my gun back.”
“Nope. You are done for the day. In fact, it’s Friday so you are done for the weekend.”
“No I’m not done, I have to...”
“Hey, you know you are. Your boss told you that you didn’t have to go back to work after you did your firearms requalifying.”
“No, I have more to do. I have to...what?” She spun around with such surprise force he had no choice but to let her go. Anger rose within her, “How do you know that?”
Drake shrugged, “The guys informed me of it when they notified me that you needed help.”
“Great. Just great. This is going way too far, and there are way too many people involved.” Raven ran for the door.
She sprinted past the agents working out, and was out the door greedily gulping in the fresh air within seconds.
Praying that their gym was not too far off the beaten path, Raven followed the gravel road. She ran faster than she could ever remember running before. Her ankle argued, but she ignored it. Running even faster when she heard the faint sounds of engines behind her, Raven veered off the road, ducking through the trees, trying to cover her trail. Her shirt was snagged, but she kept on running. Seeing a building above the small tree line, she veered off the path again and made a bee-line straight for it. She was just pulling up to the small grocery store when a cop was getting into his car.
Raven startled him, but she quickly flashed her badge, “I need a ride fast!”
Thankfully the officer was not the slow type, her door had just closed when he spun around in the parking lot and took off.
“Where to, ma’am? Do I need sirens?”
“No, no sirens.” Her mind raced. She was sure that her car was not at the training complex, and there was no way she could return home. Think, think! She looked out ahead of them and it hit her.
“How about if you take me to the Marriott right off the beltway.”
“Okay. I have to ask though, are you okay? I’ve seen enough badges to know that your credentials are legit, but I see you have an empty holster. And with running like the wind? You’ve got me pretty shocked here.”
Raven smiled, “You know, agent stuff. They’ve been giving me a hard time all week.”
Thankfully, she could tell him the truth. However, she could just imagine his face if she would have told him outright, including all of the details of what was really going on. ‘Well, you see the President of the United States has been dogging my moves all week and I just can’t seem to shake him or the CAT guys.’ The policeman would probably drive her straight to Headquarters, and escort her straight into the Psych Evaluation team’s office. And just picturing the look on his face had her suddenly really laughing.
“Are you sure you’re okay, ma’am.”
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Raven smiled broadly for the first time in a long time, “Yep. Sorry, it’s just way too funny to explain. But I’m so thankful for you giving me a ride. Can you do me a big favor, Officer?”
“Just call me Mike.”
“Oh, okay, Mike. Could you please not log this ride in, nor tell anyone about it? I don’t need the guys knowing about it, you know? More salt on the wound.”
He laughed, “Sure, no problem. I’m glad I could help, and don’t worry, my lips are sealed. I’ve worked with enough service agents to know that their jokes can be brutal. They put our rookie jokes to shame.”
Raven laughed.
Arriving at the hotel, he turned to her and smiled, “Hey, let me give you my card should you need help again. Just call me, I’ll gladly help a beautiful woman in distress.”
Taking his card, she smiled. “Thank you so much.”
Getting out of the patrol car, Raven took her holster off and held it under her credentials wallet. Straightening her shirt, she held her arm in a certain way that covered up the small hole, and she was ready to deal with the next hurdle of getting out of showing her ID and not leaving a paper trail.
Raven sank into the big bed, stretching, and finally allowed herself to breathe a sigh of relief. Praise the Lord that she had listened to her father years ago and had put extra, emergency money inside her credentials wallet. For the first time ever she had used it, and she had enough money to pay cash for this room, eat this weekend, and buy herself a sweat suit. Sitting up, Raven carefully took off her boots, and winced as pain sliced through her ankle which had doubled in size. Groaning, she limped to the window, and carefully looked out without moving the curtain. Relief washed over her. They could be out and about in their personal vehicles, but she still felt a little safe as long as she didn’t see one of their black SUVs. With nothing else to do, Raven positioned her boots by the wall, then yawning, she climbed into the bed and within minutes was sound asleep.