Chapter 17
Ashley hardly slept at all that night. Jay had been on her mind. He’d left the wedding by the time she and Steven had gone outside to join the other guests.
Steven had already woken up and gone downstairs. She could hear him talking to someone in the kitchen below. She couldn't make out what they were saying, and she couldn’t concentrate.
It was only half past seven. She finally got up, wrapped her bathrobe around herself, and headed downstairs to join them. Steven stood by the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee in one hand. He was dressed in his running shorts and a plain gray T-shirt. Martin stood beside the counter placing food items into a shopping bag.
“Good morning.” Steven smiled as he saw Ashley descend the staircase.
“Good morning.” She smiled back. “Have you already been for a run?”
“Not yet. I was waiting to see if you wanted to join me. Martin was telling me there’s a nice path that snakes around the other side of the lake.”
“That’s a long run, Steven.” Ashley reached for the coffee machine. “To tell you the truth, I don't think I’m up for it.” She covered her mouth as she yawned.
“OK, looks like I’m on my own then.” He smiled and finished his coffee.
He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and after a few stretches he headed out the door.
She watched him disappear down the driveway and began stirring her coffee.
“What are you doing here?” Ashley asked Martin. “I thought you and mom would been having a sleep in this morning, and don't they include breakfast in your package? I thought that's why they called it a 'Bed and Breakfast'.” Ashley peered into the bag which now contained a jar of homemade strawberry jam, a stick of organic butter and a loaf of gluten free bread. Her mom and Martin had spent their first night as a married couple in the quaint little B&B on the other side of the lake.
“They do, but you know your mom— she likes her paleo diet.” Martin smiled.
Ashley raised an eyebrow. “I didn't think butter was paleo.”
“It's not, but we all have our little guilty pleasures don't we?” He smiled.
Ashley raised her coffee to her lips and blew gently.
Guilty pleasures? Is that what Jay was?
“What are you doing?” he asked, staring at her as though she were an unwelcome visitor.
Ashley shrugged. “Having a coffee?”
Martin nodded. “Yes, I can see that.”
Ashley blinked vacantly.
Martin leaned his elbows on the countertop and looked her in the eye. “I've just sent Steven off on the longest running path I could possibly find.” Martin glanced at his watch. “By my calculations, you have about an hour and a half before he gets back.”
Ashley couldn't grasp what he was talking about.
“Jay.” Martin’s eyes opened wide “Go and see Jay. Everyone knows he's crazy about you and if I'm right, which I think I am, you're just as crazy about him.”
Ashley opened her mouth to object, but she couldn't. There was nothing to disagree with. She knew that deep down those feelings she had once had for Jay were re-emerging. She didn't bother asking how he knew what he did, but figured being a small town, news travelled fast.
Martin had created an opportunity for her to see Jay, to try to set things straight. She smiled and dashed upstairs to change, leaving her hot coffee on the counter. By the time she got back downstairs, Martin was waiting at the bottom with the car keys. She took the keys and kissed him on the cheek before racing out the door.
She drove along the road to Jay’s house as fast as legally possible. Every second it took meant one less second she could spend with him. It was twenty agonising minutes to his house.
What was she going to say? She rehearsed everything as she drove, and it all sounded perfectly logical.
Would he even be there? It was Sunday. Church didn't start for another two hours. Hopefully he wouldn't be out working anywhere.
As she arrived she was greeted by Benson. It was much cooler today, windy and overcast. Gray clouds filled the sky, blotting out the sun.
She got out of the car and began walking towards the house. She was almost at the front door when she spotted Jay packing tools into the back of his truck over by the shed. She waved as he looked over and she could tell immediately that he wasn't pleased to see her.
He walked over, hands in his pockets. Today he wore faded jeans with a dark hooded top. His hood was up and the long sleeves were rolled up to his elbows.
“Hi.” Ashley broke the ice, trying to gauge his response.
He didn’t say anything, gave a quick nod to acknowledge her. His brow was furrowed and his jaw was clenched together.
“Jay, I didn’t get a chance to explain myself last night.”
“What’s there to explain?” he asked, avoiding eye contact. “You have a boyfriend.” He inhaled sharply through his nose and glanced around looking at the tree line as if searching for something.
“I didn’t want it to end like this,” Ashley said softly.
“How did you want it to end, Ashley?” He stared directly into her eyes, challenging her. “Tell me, how did you see this playing out? Because from where I stand, I can only see it ending one way—and that ending doesn’t work out for me.” He was angry, hurting.
“What did you expect me to do Jay? Stay here?”
“We both know you’d never do that. So why don't you do us both a favor and go. You’ve already caused enough damage.” He turned and began to walk away.
Ashley was furious. Normally she would have held her tongue, avoiding confrontation at all costs, but considering she was leaving and never likely see him again, she decided to risk it.
“You said your flaw was that you found it difficult to let go. Well, I call bull. Eight years ago you watched me walk away and you didn’t do a thing to stop me. Not a thing. So from where ‘I’m standing,’” she quoted him, “I’d say you’re pretty good at letting things go!”
He spun around facing her and marched towards her with such speed and force she feared he was going to hit her. Anger blazed in his eyes and she could see his muscles were tense and his fists were clenched. He stopped inches from her face.
“So the constant texts and calls meant nothing to you?” He glared at her. “You asked me when it was that I went to New York—it was two weeks after you left. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. It drove me insane that I couldn’t hold you in my arms, so I drove my car across the country to find you. I went to the city and I found you. I saw you, sitting in a café—Cafe Espresso. It was pouring down with rain, and you were sitting at a small round table talking to an older woman with long black hair and you were laughing. You looked happy. I knew I couldn’t ask you to leave with me. I stood there, watching you, and it took every ounce of my strength to walk away even though it felt like my heart was being ripped right out of my chest.” His voice was raw with emotion as he stood there, chest heaving.
Ashley struggled to understand what he was telling her. She remembered that day clearly. She had applied for a waitressing job. It had been pouring down and her resume had gotten wet as she darted through the rain, trying to get inside the cafe before the ink ran. He’d seen her job interview, acting cheerful to impress the manager.
She felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. If only she would have known Jay had followed her all that way. Maybe then her life would have been different.
“That's the thing about free will.” His voice sounded raspy and strained. “You have to be able to be free to make your own choices. I couldn’t force you to leave. I wanted to pick you up and throw you over my shoulder and carry you home, but I couldn’t.” He stared at her face, holding his fists in front of him, and slowly opening his hands as his anger began to dissolve. He swallowed. “I loved you too much.”
Ashley mustered all the courage she could to reply. Her head was spinning and her heart was aching. “Don’t you see I couldn’t
return, Jay? I couldn’t stand to look at you because every time I did, all I could see was my failures. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye without feeling guilty and being reminded that at the moment my father took his final breath, I was out getting wasted!” Tears threatened to spill out as she recalled that fateful night.
She hadn’t been to visit her father in the hospital for days. He wasn’t the man she remembered. He was weak and frail. Frightfully thin. He couldn’t move or speak, trapped inside his own failing body. He had died a little bit more each day in the most horrific way, and she was powerless to do anything about it. She had spent every night partying and drinking, trying to stay high so that she wouldn't have to face the lows. Jay had tried to stop her, knowing she was wasting the limited time her father had left. She pushed him away. He had only been trying to help her. On her father’s last night on earth, her mother and Bryan had both tried to contact her and tell her that he wouldn't make it through the night, but she didn’t even check her phone until the next day. She could never forgive herself for not being there; she had lost her chance to say goodbye.
“Nobody blamed me for not being there. No one was even mad at me, it was liked no one cared and they should have cared!” Ashley didn't even recognise her own voice. It was thick with emotion—anger, and most of all regret.
Jay listened, not daring to speak. His eyes had softened and Ashley could see the compassion in his expression.
“I didn't even have the guts to say goodbye to him and he deserved better! Everyone acted like I didn't do anything wrong. But I did. Every time I see my mother or Bryan, all I can see is how badly I hurt them!”
“The only person you hurt was yourself, Ashley. And the only person you’re waiting for forgiveness from is yourself, but you’re too stubborn to see that!”
She didn’t believe that. She couldn’t. How could they ever forgive her? She shook her head.
“I'm stubborn?” Ashley pointed to herself. “I may be stubborn, Jay, but that’s the only way to get ahead in life. At least I have the guts to go out and get what I want. I don’t sit back and wait for the ‘good Lord’ to provide.” She was mocking him and although she knew her word were vicious and hurtful, she wasn’t going to stop.
“You’re deluded, Jay—and you’re wasting your life sitting around expecting the perfect wife to end up on your doorstep. Didn’t you ever want more out of life? You’re a smart guy. You always got top grades in school. You could have been anything you wanted to be! Yet you've chosen to squander it all away. I have wasted too much of my life in this messed-up town already. I will not waste one more second of it!” She was infuriated by his apparent lack of ambition.
“More, more, more. You keep talking about ‘more’ like it’s some magical key to happiness. Tell me, what ‘more’ is there? What more could you possibly want? When is it enough, Ashley? No, I didn’t want ‘more’. I had everything I could possibly ever want—I had you, and that was enough. There was no ‘more’ for me.” He paused for a moment as if thinking whether or not to continue speaking.
“I told you I’d been wounded far worse before, and I had, but it wasn’t from a bullet in the chest I got crawling through the sand out in some desert.” His voice was gravely, and she knew he was referring to her. “You know, when I saw you standing on the verandah at my old house I thought that God had finally answered my prayers that you had come back to me. Do you know I prayed for you? Every day. I was a fool for believing you’d ever love me the way I loved you.”
Her heart ached, and she could feel it being tugged in two opposing directions. She struggled to find the words to say. He was right: ‘more’ for her was career success, to prove she could do something right, as though it would atone for the fact she had not been there for her father when he needed her most. She had failed him once, and she vowed she wouldn't do it again. ‘More’ for Jay had simply been Ashley. It wasn’t her fault that he had been hurt. She couldn’t stay here after her father died, she couldn’t. Why couldn’t he see that?
“I can’t give you what you want, Jay. Why can't you understand that? I can never come back here, even if I wanted to.” Ashley struggled to compose herself. There was no way she was going to let him see her cry. She had too much pride. She had to end this conversation quickly before she began to doubt herself.
She tilted her chin upwards. “I have everything I need and more.”
There’s that word again. More.
“Then why did you kiss me last night?” He met her eyes.
She felt her breath catch in her throat and she froze on the spot. Why did she kiss him? Because she wanted to, because she missed him and because it felt so right. She couldn’t tell him. The truth was too painful, even for her.
She shrugged and he stared at her, his eyebrows raised, questioning, awaiting her response. Excuses flashed through her mind and she knew she had to say something before the truth came out. This charade had gone on long enough. It was time to end it.
“It was a mistake,” she said, clenching her jaw in an effort to steady herself.
His eyes widened and his shoulders slumped, defeated.
Ashley knew she was breaking his heart all over again, but it was for the best. They had no future together. He was perfect, a saint. What kind of man uses his annual vacation to build houses for the homeless? Good guy Jay. She was a mess. She’d never even donated a single cent to charity. She passed homeless people every single day on her commute to work without even looking twice.
They were too different. Sure, they shared a connection and they both were attracted to each other but that’s not what a relationship was built on.
“Do you love him?” Jay asked as he clenched his jaw.
Ashley looked around. “It’s not like that. We’re compatible, we have all the same goals . . .”
“What is it, a business partnership? You didn’t answer my question—do you love him? Tell me that you love him, and I’ll move on. If you truly love him, then that’s all I need to know. Because then I’ll know that is what you want.”
Ashley sighed, impatient with Jay’s questions. “Love is just an emotion. It doesn’t last, it’s not real. Hard work and dedication—that's what lasts. Sharing the same goals.”
“If that’s what you think love is, you’ve never truly experienced love,” Jay said, a look of disappointment on his face.
How dare he? He didn’t know that. Just because they had different ideas of what love is didn’t make her version of love any less real.
“You know what, I don’t even know what I’m doing here.” She raised her hands and looked around. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. This is pointless, and frankly, a waste of time. I know what it takes to succeed in life and I’m going to do that. I should have never come back here.”
She stood there, waiting for his next move. Waiting for him to try to stop her. But he didn’t. He stared at her, brow creased, clenching his jaw and making that little muscle along his jawline move in and out. She couldn’t tell what was going on his mind, and if past behaviour was anything to go by, he wouldn’t tell her anyway. She saw him flinch as though he were about to reach out for her, but then something held him back and he slid his hands into his pockets and dropped his head. He nodded twice and turned back towards his shed where he had been loading his work tools.
Away from Ashley.
Letting her go.