Chapter 28
It's a truth that most people survive their wedding reception rather than enjoy it. The reasons are many: the need to be available to a multitude of people at once, formality, time constraints and most importantly for Crystal and Jeff, she was royal. A royal wedding breakfast, which is really a sit down luncheon, is formal, conducted to a strict protocol in the presence of extended family, very few friends and a lot of servants.
When it was over Crystal said to her man,
'Take me away.'
And he did. They left the Palace by helicopter as the early dusk of winter was stealing the light from their special day. The lights of the Palace were below them as they flew away into their new life. Crystal didn't know where they were going; she was content to let things happen in their own time.
The helicopter landed on a runway at one of the city's smaller airports, far from the terminal where they joined the plane that was waiting for them. It headed north, not to the sunny climes Crystal was half hoping for; the plane flew into snow and darkness. After landing it was another hour and a half in the car driven by Jeff with two others following before they reached what appeared to be a gingerbread house in a forest, its lights blazing and smoke rising from the chimney.
'We're here,' he said to a now sleepy Crystal. 'Come inside where it's warm.' As they went in the door Crystal remembered photographs of the living room, all timber and beams with a massive stone fireplace, alight with logs that burned bright red in the soft light.
'This is grandfather's hunting lodge,' she said. 'He restored it years ago. They come here sometimes by themselves but no-one else is allowed to... How did you...?
'It's a wedding present from your grandparents. We have it for two weeks, if we don't freeze to death before then. I really wasn't expecting so much snow'. He looked at the windows where snow was falling and gathering on the windowsills. 'Do you mind?'
'No, it's perfect. But Jeff what about the security guys?'
'They're staying a couple of miles away in a cottage. They've set up a perimeter and will only come here to deliver food. We'll be alone, really alone, but don't worry I can cook.'
'So can I,' she said with some pride. 'I can do a lot of things you don't know about.'
So for two weeks they were in a private world. They ventured out on skis to take trails that were now thick with snow but mostly they stayed in, as honeymooners do. Crystal loved her husband deeply but she said to him one particularly cold night,
'We could do with Archie and Terri in the bottom of the bed, my feet are like ice.
'I know,' he said, 'What about some socks?'
Archie and Terri had asked to stay at home in the Palace,
'You two should be alone,' Archie said. 'We'll have a holiday here.'
Jessie took the opportunity for a holiday as well and went to Paris where she had a short fling with a handsome Frenchman. While she was away Archie and Terri remained in their drawer; content.
The room was undisturbed for several days until a stranger came to call: there was a burglary at the Palace. Nothing seemed to be missing but no-one checked Archie and Terri's drawer which was empty.
The hand that took Archie and Terri from their home was a man's: very hairy with bitten nails and broken cuticles. They saw it delve into the drawer and felt it pick them up.
The man's face was close to them and reeked of beer and meat pies. Terri screamed as loudly as her tiny lungs would allow. Archie wriggled and fought, but they were held firm. The man heard and felt nothing.
The objects in the room woke up to Terri's screams; everything became alert and watched as the interloper turned to leave the room with his prize. In the bathroom the mirror and shelf heard Terri scream but could see nothing.
The nail file near the door shouted out,
'It's someone in one of those balaclava things, he has Archie and Terri.'
The mirror didn't hesitate before pressing the panic button on the shelf below it but it was to no avail. The thief escaped because Crystal's apartment was empty with no protection officer or servant near. He left by the back staircase, so recently used by the designer and his assistants and the service courtyard door, ignored by the staff there because he had removed the balaclava on the stairs and was wearing the uniform of a firm of butchers who delivered to the Palace regularly.
When the alarm was raised and a protection officer came to the room nothing was seen to be missing so although the electrician who'd rewired the alarm after a previous scare got an earful of abuse from the head of protection, nothing else happened.
Crystal and Jeff's return was days away; they were still in Scotland, snowed in as it happened and quite happy to be so. Their food was delivered by a protection officer on a skidoo who left as quietly and quickly as he arrived. They had no contact with the outside world and no way of knowing that the dress designer's assistant had a boyfriend who was a butcher and they had a plan to get rich as soon as possible with as little effort as possible.
In the assistant's flat she and her butcher boyfriend inspected Archie and Terri very closely; they undid the velcro on Terri's back and took her off Archie. He'd whispered to her as they were grabbed,
'Please don't say anything my darling, that's what they want, to know.'
A terrified Terri nodded and clung to Archie as the man ran down the corridor and finally drove out the gates with them stuffed under his jacket. As they held her up now and poked at her she had a nearly overwhelming urge to claw at the woman's eyes with her fingers but she didn't, she kept her hands close to her sides where she hoped her tiny ring wouldn't be noticed. Archie was also silent as the boyfriend, not of the most incisive mind, turned him upside down and shook him. There was no response so he threw Archie down on the cheap table frustrated,
'You're bloody mad woman, a talking hot water bottle! You want your head seen to.'
'I heard it I tell you.'
'I'm going to the pub, leave it and come and have a drink. We'll throw it in the canal or something tomorrow.'
After they were gone Archie reminded Terri not to speak in front of them and then he said,
'We're stuck this time my girl, how can we get out?'
The table under them spoke, frightening Terri even more,
'You two are all they've talked about since the royal wedding, hot water bottle this, hot water bottle that. As though you being able to talk was anything special. We talk all the time and they never hear us.'
'I know but I don't know why she heard Terri, it's most unexpected,' Archie said.
'Unexpected?' the table said in a jeering tone, 'Unexpected? You two have been at the Palace too long, forgotten you're only objects, no matter how high class.'
Archie thought about this, the table was obviously resentful and possibly malicious. It wouldn't do to upset it any further. Archie decided to try and enlist its help,
'Do you have any humans who hear you?'
'Yeah, I do but why do you want to know?'
'I don't think you'd like to be thrown into the canal, would you?'
The table shook its head so Archie pressed his advantage,
'Who is it?'
His daughter, she only comes on Sundays; she's due tomorrow. She can hear. Mind you she's only a kid but she does have a mobile phone. Maybe she could call the Palace for you and ask them to send a car!' It laughed and laughed but that was exactly what Archie and Terri would ask the daughter to do.
'What a dreadful place this is and what awful people they are,' Archie thought as he lay on the floor of the assistant's flat, collapsed in a heap. Terri was lying on top of him, throw down as he had been during a drunken rant by the butcher. She was now asleep,
'Thank goodness,' Archie thought, worried for her and himself.
The couple had come back from the pub after many hours, legless as the evocative description goes, and proceeded to have a fight about the girlfriend's 'bloody delusion' that the hot water bottle could talk. Archie had been waved around, tos
sed between the two of them, prodded, poked and sneered at by the now dribbling butcher as he called his girlfriend names and she shouted back with her own less than flattering assessment of his achievements in life,
'A sodding useless bloody butcher, that's all you are.'
After what seemed a very long time to Archie and Terri, he had thrown both of them onto the floor beside the table and gone into the other room from which snoring was soon heard.
'Morning and the daughter can't come soon enough,' Archie thought as he remained awake, wondering how best to approach the child. His fear was if he spoke to her directly she would tell her father and he would keep them. 'No, I can't risk it', he thought, 'there has to be a better way.' By the end of the night he had a plan and spoke to the table early, before Terri and the rest of the room woke up.
'Sure,' the table said, 'But what's in it for me?' it asked.
Archie had nothing to offer but his thanks which seemed to be inadequate.
'I'll do it,' the table said, 'But I want something for Chloe, his daughter.'
'What?' Archie asked.
'She wants to meet the Queen more than anything. Poor little thing, she has a pretty rough time with these two.' The table became a little sentimental, 'She deserves something.'
Archie agreed to speak to Crystal and ask her when she returned from her honeymoon, if he could get back to the Palace. The table said,
'Leave it to me.'
At about nine o'clock there was a knock at the front door which went unanswered. The knocking became progressively louder until finally a fist pounded on the plywood door. The butcher emerged from the bedroom, still dressed in rumpled clothes and staggered to the source of the noise. He opened it and a small woman and a girl of about ten stood there taking in his unshaven, bleary eyed visage.
'My God Ralph,' the woman said, 'You're still drunk.'
The little girl, who Archie assumed was Chloe, said, 'Hi Dad.'
He mumbled a slurred 'Hello love,' and the little girl gave him a hug.
'How do you expect me to leave her here with you in that state?' she spat at him.
Ralph the butcher wished he had a meat mallet to hand at that moment but said as reasonably as his alcohol soaked brain would allow,
'We'll be right, won't we Chloe?' calling on the child to support the delusion of himself as a responsible parent.
'Don't drag her into it,' the woman said, 'You're drunk and she shouldn't have to put up with that.'
Neither of them noticed that Chloe had already made her own decision and gone to the table where she took off her backpack and sat down. She started to take out a few toys, a book, paper and pencils and her glasses which she put on and settled down to read, ignoring the escalating conflict at the door. She said in a whisper,
'Hello table, how are you today?'
It answered equally quietly, 'I'm fine Chloe. They're really going at it this morning.'
'Yes,' she said, 'I wish they wouldn't....' She stopped speaking as the designer's assistant came out of the bedroom and went to the front door and entered the fray. Her presence and vicious comments to Chloe's mother tipped the balance, giving Ralph the misplaced confidence to slap Chloe's mother as she continued to shout at him. Chloe, the table and Archie heard it, a loud crack followed by a cry,
'Mum!' Chloe called out and ran to her mother who was now crying very hard and saying,
'I'm calling the cops this time Ralph. You've gone too far.' She turned to Chloe and said, 'Get your bag, we're leaving.' As the child went back into the house she said to Chloe's father,
'You can talk to my solicitor in future Ralph, that's if you're not inside.'
Chloe was gathering her things, making ready to go. The table remembered his promise and Archie's. He whispered to the child,
'Chloe, listen to me; pick up the hot water bottle and the cover on the floor, do you see them?' She nodded. 'Take them with you.'
The child looked confused.
'What? Why?'
'Because your father stole them from the Palace. You need to take them back. If you do you'll meet the Queen.'
'Really?'
'Yes, I promise,' the table said. 'Put them into your bag, quickly.' She did and ran to her mother who was already calling the Police on her mobile phone. Inside the child's backpack Archie and Terri heard what happened next.
The Police arrived and Chloe's mother, who had taken up a place on the footpath with a number of curious neighbours, told them her story. The Police arrested Ralph and his girlfriend for good measure and took them away. An ambulance came and Chloe's mother and Chloe were taken to the hospital. After a few hours, during which she gave the Police a formal statement, she was released and she and Chloe went home. Archie and Terri remained in the backpack undisturbed but only a little closer to getting back to the Palace.
For several days Chloe was unable to fulfill her wish to go the Palace; she was sent away to her grandmother in the country while her mother recovered. She didn't want to go but didn't argue, she was a quiet, usually compliant child and appreciated that her mother needed some time alone. Her mother's left eye was black and swollen shut, her cheek bruised and she was very angry.
'I'm taking you to Grandma's, just for a few days. I have some things to do.'
So Chloe was bundled off and her mother's 'few things' turned out to be initiating a lawsuit in the Family Division with the sole aim of depriving Chloe's father of any opportunity to see Chloe at all. She felt confident, he having been charged with assault.
'Assaulting you in front of the child is a very serious breach of his obligations as a parent,' her lawyer told her. 'You may not be able to deny him all access but it will be supervised and extremely limited.'
'Good,' she said, feeling vindictive, 'Let's get on with it.'
Chloe was unaware of her mother's intentions but she was preoccupied with the royal hot water bottle and cover. Both stubbornly refused to speak to her no matter what she tried.
'I know you can talk,' she said, 'Everything can, if you ask politely. Won't you please talk to me?'
Terri in particular longed to speak to this appealing child but Archie reminded her,
'Don't, if she tells her father, we'll never get home.'
That was the truth as on the night of his drunken binge Ralph had explored the possibilities of profiting from Archie and Terri. He'd said to his girlfriend,
'They'd be worth a fortune if they did talk. Imagine it; we'd make millions selling them around the place.'
Chloe was the complete opposite to her father. She tried everything to entertain and entice them, she took them on walks, showed them her toys, she even blew bubbles for them. Archie and Terri were entranced by her but silent in her presence. After three days her mother collected her. On the drive home Chloe said to her,
'I want to go the Palace.'
'You want to go where?'
'To the Palace; I want to go there.'
'Why?'
Chloe knew she would have to tell her mother about the theft to get her help. Not wanting to betray her father she decided not to speak and said,
'Oh, nothing.'
'But how,' she thought, 'can I get to the Palace myself?' She was an intelligent child and began to work on her problem: as far as she could see it was a matter of buses and bus fares.
At home she consulted her piggy bank and the bus timetable on the internet. She would need to take at least two buses,
'But that's not a problem', she thought. 'If I start when Mum drops me at school it'll take about an hour'. What she'd do when she got there she didn't know but she said to Archie and Terri, who she'd carefully reunited,
'I'm taking you to the Palace today. I do so hope the Queen is at home.'
Not only was the Queen at home but Jeff and Crystal were due to return from their honeymoon that day. Chloe was dropped at school and watched her mother drive off before she went back out the gate and to the bus stop. She had to wait some time before the right bus arriv
ed and she got on. The conductor looked at her, a ten year old on her own, but she just smiled and said,
'I forgot my book; I'm going home to get it.'
The man didn't really care if she was telling him the truth or not. Kids were always wagging school, even ten year olds. He comforted himself with a passing thought on 'what the youth of today were coming to' and went on his way. Chloe continued her journey and after two changes found herself outside the Palace facing a tall, silent guard who didn't react when she tugged on his long coat,
'Excuse me,' she said, but he remained still and silent. She tried again with an explanation of her reason for wanting his help,
'Excuse me, soldier, I have the Queen's hot water bottle. It was stolen and I found it. I've brought it back.'
An eyelid flickered and he took a small look at Chloe. His lips hardly moved as he said,
'Move on kid.'
Chloe was undeterred, determined to get into the Palace and meet the Queen. She walked along the railing until she came to another gate where cars were going in and out. She could just see a courtyard beyond. She repeated the tug and the explanation and this guard said,
'Wait.' He clicked his heels together and turned into his small guard's pavilion where there was a phone. He picked it up, and spoke and then resumed his statue-like position,
'Someone's coming,' he said, his eyes fixed on a far horizon. Chloe waited until one of Her Majesty's protection officers came up to her. He had a kind face,
'Hello, what's your name?'
'It's Chloe and I want to see the Queen.'
'So I've been told. Where's this hot water bottle?' Chloe took Archie and Terri out of her backpack and handed them over.
'Come with me Chloe,' he said, 'I think you're going to get your wish.'
Jeff and Crystal returned from Scotland on the overnight train and arrived at the Palace as her grandmother was having a morning coffee in her sitting room. Jessie was with her.
'Hello, my darlings,' the Queen said. 'Did you enjoy the lodge?'
'Yes grandmother, we did,' Crystal said, 'it was perfect.'
The Queen kissed them both and whispered to Jeff,
'I told you so.'
He smiled, his honeymoon had been one of the simplest royal trips he'd ever organised and he'd learnt the valuable lesson that would stand him in good stead in his new life, have a bolt hole where you can be alone even for a few days, it saves your sanity.
Crystal kissed a blooming Jessie and said,
'Is everything all right?' because as a rule Jessie had little to no contact with Her Majesty who said,
'Jessie has been preparing your room and found the hot water bottle and cover were gone. The alarm went off in your room while you were away but nothing seemed to be missing. No-one thought of the hot water bottle.
'But I think the mystery is about to be solved because we're expecting a visitor. Have a coffee, she'll be here soon; it's a long walk from the gate on short legs.'
When Chloe was brought to the door she was shy for the first time but the Queen went over to her and took her hand,
'Come in child and meet my granddaughter and her husband, you probably saw their wedding on television.'
Chloe had but confronted with the reality of not only the Queen but Crystal and Jeff in the flesh she was rendered speechless, only managing to bob a small curtsey. Jeff went back to the door and took Archie and Terri from the protection officer and gave them to Jessie.
'You too are so much trouble,' he whispered.
Her Majesty sat Chloe down and asked her,
'Now tell us how you found the hot water bottle and its cover. It belongs to the Princess by the way, I gave it to her.'
Chloe looked from one to the other and then blurted out her story of the table's request, her father, his fight with her mother, her lack of success in trying to get the hot water bottle to talk and the guard at the gate.
'I don't want Dad to get into any more trouble, please your Majesty, don't tell the Police.' Her glasses were misting with tears.
'I won't,' the Queen said, who showed no surprise at hearing about the talking table, 'I promise, but you've been a brave girl coming all this way alone. Does your mother know you're here?'
'No, I would have had to tell her about Dad and she would have told the Police.'
'Well then, I think we'll telephone her and after we've had some cake and a soft drink I'll have someone take you home. Is that all right?'
Chloe grinned for the first time, 'Oh yes.'
So for an hour Chloe talked about her life and her division between her warring parents, how she loved the country at her grandmother's and wanted more than anything, other than meeting the Queen, to learn to ride a dirt bike.
'Really?' Jeff asked her.
'Yes,' she said, 'I think it would be great.'
Jeff looked at Crystal who nodded and then made Chloe an offer,
'Would you like to come and stay with us and some other kids? We're going to have a lodge to stay in and I'll teach you to ride a bike.'
'Yes I would.' And so Jeff's adventure camp for kids who needed a break from life in the warzone created by their parents had its first customer.
Jessie took Archie and Terri back to Crystal's bedroom and gave them a hug,
'I am so sorry about this; if I hadn't gone away....but, my goodness what's that smell?'
'Mashed banana,' Terri said, 'In the bottom of Chloe's bag, she doesn't seem to know it's there. Can we have a bath please Jessie?'
So they did in Crystal's bathroom sink, a deep, fragrant soak in warm water.
'Oh Archie, we do get into trouble, don't we?' Terri said to her now sleepy love.