I ignored him and watched the excited O form on her little lips again. Score. Pea pulled out the first Nerf gun and then three more. Enough for me, Blake, Grace and Pea.
“Seriously? I don’t get it,” Blake questioned. The fact that his daughter cared nothing about the party anymore, the cake, or the rest of her gifts went right over his head. She only wanted to shoot everyone with her gun. We managed to get the cake cut so the Zazen employees could get back to work.
“Okay, come on, Pea. You and me against Mikki and Daddy,” Grace said, tucking her gun to the front of her jeans.
“Oh, no. I’ve got work to do,” Blake tried. I shot him in the forehead with a three inch bullet. The expression was worth a million bucks. He was left dumfounded for a good ten seconds. Forget the million bucks; it was priceless.
“You shot me.”
“Here, Daddy. You can shoot her back,” Pea offered, giving him the red gun. I wanted the red one.
“Hey, traitor,” I stomped. She laughed and pointed her gun at me. “Run!” I yelled, grabbing Blake’s arm.
“Really? This is ridiculous,” he complained.
“Shut up, let’s hide behind the trees.” We ducked around some fake palms while Grace and Pea ducked below the fake shrubs.
“This is stupid. I’m not playing cops and robbers.”
“Well it’s a good thing. You’re not a bad guy, you’re a Martian.”
“What?” I didn’t have to turn to hear the confusion. It was heard just fine in the tone.
“Just be an alien. Will you? Come on, let’s sneak around this way,” I persuaded, ducking behind a stone wall.
“This is ridiculous.”
“Shhh, get down,” I loud whispered, pulling him lower to the ground. I held my gun, ready for action while tiptoeing around statues and fake trees. Blake complained until his mom jumped out and scared the hell out of him. That one was priceless. For real this time. He screamed like a preteen boy with a high, then low, then high again, scream. Priceless. I nearly peed my pants. To this day I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard Pea laugh that hard. Everyone found it hilarious except Blake of course.
Grace kept her gun pointed at his head and demanded him to walk.
“Mom, I’m not—,”
“Walk!” She demanded with the tip of a Nerf bullet.
Blake looked around to see if anyone important was watching before he surrendered with his hands in the air. I managed to step around a cherub statue with a fountain penis, and behind Grace, unnoticed.
“Run!” I yelled to Blake. He looked at me like there was no way. I urged him with a nod and he took off. Pea and Grace stood with surrendered hands while I slowly backed away, out of sight.
The next hour was a riot. Blake was out for blood. He laughed—a lot. Despite the fact he was a little too competitive with a three year old, we had a blast. Things got a little heated when we crawled along the back stone wall. We had to hurry and drop when we heard the footsteps right above us. He didn’t have to fall on top of me though. All and all we made a good team. I had to make him surrender to Pea with a guilt trip. Competitive much?
“Blake, it’s her birthday. Let her catch us. I’m tired.”
“What? No way. Look, we can sneak around that row of chairs, around that fountain, and right up behind them. They’ll never see us. We’ve got them.”
“Oh my God. We’re not winning.”
“Yes we are.”
“Blake, really? She’s three and it’s her birthday. Now come on, let’s walk this way so she can see us.”
“We’re just going to give up?”
“Stop. You’re acting like it’s your third birthday.” Against the will of the great Blake, I led him to where I knew Pea was hiding, “Pretend like you’re scared.”
“What?”
Pea jumped out with the cutest threat in the world. Her feet were too far apart and she held the trigger with her thumb, “Put up your hands in the air!”
I pretend screamed and elbowed my accomplice. Geesh, this guy couldn’t even pretend. Blake yelped like a bellowing cow. I turned and gave him a dirty look, “You suck.”
“Oh, man. You got us. Let’s go clean up the birthday mess,” I coaxed, taking her hand, “Yuck, why are you sticky?”
“I stopped over there,” she pointed. The E and the A was missing from P and not from being nicely sliced with a knife.
“I’m going to make a few phone calls,” Blake said, going over the many messages I was sure was on his phone.
“No, we’re going to clean up this mess,” his mother ordered. I was about to say that exact same thing.
Sixteen
“I have to pee,” Pea said, bouncing up and down on the inner tube. Note to self, don’t let Pea have two bags of M&M’s at one time. She was bouncing off the river bank.
“So Pea, let’s get out and find a place to camp. We’ll be hitting the campgrounds soon and I don’t want them to see our fire.”
“I can’t pee on the fish. They’ll drink it.”
“Fine. Let’s get out.”
Pea and I caught fish again for our supper. Just like the night before it took six poor fish to get enough meat. The aluminum foil from our applesauce snacks came in handy for cooking it over the fire. We didn’t have the potatoes, but we did split the last roasted Twinkie.
Pea and I sat quietly, watching the flames of the fire and I wondered what we were going to do the next day. According to our map we should hit the many campgrounds along the river. If my calculations were correct, we had about three hours left before we reentered civilization. I felt a little sad. Why couldn’t we just stay here? We didn’t need anything but each other. Oh yeah, because we were down to one brownie that Pea didn’t know about, a bag of dry Fruit Loops, one smashed bag of gold fish, an apples and cream granola bar that Pea wouldn’t eat if she was starving to death, and a pixy stick. That was it, and I had to figure out what was next.
This was supposed to work. I was supposed to be untraceable. I should have adhered to my gut and used the cash. I didn’t need to worry about keeping names straight. We couldn’t use them. Quinn knew, but how? And who was he working for? Was it Blake, Holden, Ryan, or Farrah? I couldn’t trust anyone. Not a soul. It was me and Pea and that had to stay embedded in the front of my mind.
Once I walked behind a rock with Pea one more time before bed, I covered her with the thin blanket. I have no idea why we had to go behind the rock, it wasn’t like anyone was going to see us, but whatever. She laid her head on my lap and I thought about what was next. Watching orange and blue embers mix into flaming reds, I planned. Not really, I thought about Blake and wondered how he was handling incarceration. Not good. I couldn’t see Blake behind bars in a jumpsuit, or was that only on television?
I snuggled the blanket around Pea’s neck and moved a strand of hair from her face. She needed a good bath, a shampooing, and a brush. Neither of us thought about a brush, but it was nice not needing it too. That’s what I was doing right before my first night with Blake. I was sitting on Pea’s bed brushing her hair. I could hear her rambling on and on, but everything in my body shook with apprehension.
***
“Do you want to read a new book?” Pea asked, sliding from the bed. I grabbed her arm to keep from falling when her top half got ahead of her bottom half. I swear she was the clumsiest three year old I knew.
“Do you know where my mom is?” Blake asked from the door.
“Her need a drink,” Pea replied, sliding books to the floor. I could tell by the look on her face she was on a mission. One of those new books caught her eye at the birthday party and she was in search of it.
“She went down to the hotel bar,” I explained.
Blake shook his head, “How long you going to be?”
“Really? It’s eight o’clock. Are you in a hurry?”
“Yeah, sort of. I have work to do.”
“Daddy, you can read this to me?” Pea asked, staring up to him.
“Maybe
you should let Makayla read it to you.”
“No cause you have to, because you did get the best present. You wind.”
“I wind?”
“Yeah, for the best present.”
“You liked my present best?”
“Huh-uh.”
“Pea why are you holding your eye like that?” I asked afraid something was wrong. She held her hand like she was looking out to sea, just above her right eye.
“The sun in my eyes, come on, Daddy,” she said, dropping her hand and running back to her bed. I laughed but Blake didn’t. It was eight thirty at night, we were inside, and the sun was in her eyes. When Blake moved I saw her sun. The hall light was right where she stared up. Silly kid.
My heart broke with the way Blake looked at her confused, like he didn’t know what to do when she wrapped her little hand around his finger and pulled him to the bed. How could he not be head over heels in love with his own child? Not just any child. Pea was different, she was special. Why couldn’t he see that?
“You two have fun. I’m going to shower.”
“You’re leaving me? What do I do?”
“Oh my God, Blake. You act like you’re performing CPR. It’s a story. We either snuggle up in bed, or Pea sits in my lap and turns the pages. Ask her,” I nodded, unbelieving of this man, “She even talks,” I smartly replied, leaving the two of them to bond. I hopped.
And then it was my turn to worry. Shit. Was I really going to do this? As much as I wanted the virgin title over with, I wanted to keep it more. I was doing it because I didn’t want someone else filling my ‘Pea’ shoes. What if he got someone that didn’t love her again? Although I was sure Blake wouldn’t have a bit of trouble finding someone one to take my place, I was sure sex and money would be priority over Pea.
“Okay, Mom. You said you would always be here. Be here. This is about to happen. This is real,” I said, dancing while I paced back and forth in my own bathroom, begging my mother to make it better like she used to.
The fidgeting continued in the shower. I couldn’t even shave my legs for trembling, and what was I supposed to do about this hair? Guys were all different when it came to that stuff. I read all about it in a magazine I snatched from the lobby downstairs at the hospital.
The hot water poured over my closed eyes and I held my breath, trying to remember the conversation with my mom. It was cold in Chicago, just after Christmas.
***
“What are you reading?” She faintly asked. I was sitting in the windowsill using the outside light to read. I didn’t want to wake her with the light. I wanted her to get her rest because of the cancer. Her body couldn’t handle kidney failure too. Even at seventeen, I knew that. By that time I’d learned enough to pass for a premed student.
“Cosmopolitan.”
“You can’t read that. That’s for adults.”
“Have you ever shaved your hoo-hoo?”
“What? You can’t ask me that either.”
“Okay, who do you suggest I ask these things to?” I asked, walking to her side. The playful tone evaporated when I sat on the bed beside her. Her bony, cold hand, held mine.
“You ask anyone you feel comfortable with. Maybe your dad’s wife.”
“Mom. Stop.”
“You are so bullheaded, child.”
“No, I’m not. I went to him. You’ve called him. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Mikki, that was two years ago. Can’t we try one more time? Please.”
“I’m going to find something to snack on. Do you want anything?”
“Okay, okay. Wait. Sit down.”
“Not if you’re going to be serious.”
“We have to be serious, Mikki.”
“How are you feeling Victoria?” The second shift nurse asked coming in. I liked her. Jillian was the nicest nurse there. She was never mean and hateful like some of them were.
“Do you shave your cootch?” My mother asked. I looked at the shocked look on Jillian’s face and then back to my mother. My lips sputtered in laughter and we both burst out into a laughing frenzy.
“I’m going to move you on up to the seventh floor. You too, Mikki. What kind of question is that?” She asked, smiling while she held two fingers over my mother’s teeny, tiny wrist.
I tilted the magazine and her head slanted in the same direction, “This article says no hair is sexy.”
“I guess it can be. Depends on the guy.”
“Do you have hair?” I asked. My mom smiled a weird smile at me. I didn’t understand it at the time, but having Pea taught me to smile a lot. That smile was her proud moment smile, the way I smiled when Pea learned something new. My mom was happy that I was talking about girl things with her. She may not have been comfortable being the messenger, but she was happy for Jillian that day.
“I used to, but not now. I’ve been married for six years, I’m a full time nurse, I have a five and three year old, I don’t have time for that anymore. Keep it trimmed up and it’s as sexy as you want it to be. I say be open. If he wants to try it and you’re game, do it. If it’s sexy to you and your mate then it’s sexy. Jason is fine with it anyway he can get it,” she laughed.
***
Taking the advice of a nurse who once took care of my mother, I jumped out of the shower and walked across the bathroom. Puddles of water followed me from the sink back to the shower where I trimmed what I thought to be sexy with the scissors and then checked it out in the mirror. I didn’t want it looking like some scalped cat. My fingers flapped in the hair with my snapping wrists, and I blew puffs of air, trying to calm myself from the inevitable.
No matter how many times I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see sexy. I saw a plain, nervous as hell young girl. Why me? Why couldn’t he just go to one of his call girls he had on hand? Felicia would take care of him.
“Stop!” I said, flattening my hands on the mirror. The wet heat from my hands steamed the mirror, forming a smoky outline. I stared myself straight in the eyes and gave myself the needed pep talk.
I’m not sure it helped with the nerves, but it did help me to decide what to wear. I wasn’t going to dress any sexier than I normally did for this. Not for him. My first thoughts were to do just that. I even had a pretty red nighty I’d just gotten the day before while out, finishing up last minute birthday stuff. I wasn’t that girl and I wasn’t going to pretend to be. I hated lace. Why would I put it on for Blake? I was open to trying new things with the man I loved, when the time was right. This wasn’t one of those times or the right man.
I walked barefoot up the stairs in white basketball shorts with a thin pink stripe and a plain white tee-shirt. I stood just outside Pea’s room and smiled. My heart warmed, listening to Pea and her dad. He wasn’t only listening to her. He was hearing her.
“Why him sad?” She interrupted. I peeked between the hinges of the door to see Pea sitting between Blake’s crossed legs with the open book.
“He can’t find his monkey.”
“Maybe it on a next page,” Pea said, flipping the page. I had to walk in after that. My laugh blew my cover. Blake’s smile met mine and for the first time since I’d come there, his eyes smiled too. I knew it. He just needed to slow down and see her.
“Might as well dress for the occasion,” he barked with a raised right eyebrow.
“Oh wait until you see what’s underneath,” I teased back.
“A chastity belt?”
“Daddy, read a book.”
I sat next to Pea and looked down at the page too. Blake started to read again and she climbed from his lap to mine. Damn. I shouldn’t have sat down with her.
Blake continued to read about the little boy who lost his belongings after moving to a new home. He read the pre-school book with Pea looking over his lap from mine. Her little hand went in mine and my nerves calmed.
“Okay, that’s enough. Go brush and potty,” I said, sliding her off the bed.
“I did go pee already.”
“Go again,” I ordered, looking back at Blake. I didn’t understand the confusion on his face, but I ignored it, “You want to go supervise?”
“Peeing?”
“No, idiot. The teeth brushing.”
“Oh, um yeah, sure.”
“Why do I feel like you know nothing about nothing?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You act like a fish out of water with her.”
“I sort of am,” he admitted and followed Pea, sliding from the toilet. He did take it upon himself to put the toothpaste on her brush.
“Nooooo!” She whined, “Me can do it.”
“You can do it in the morning,” I said, grabbing Blake’s wrist before he could rinse it off. I gave him a frown, trying to tell him with my expression not to give into her like that. She whined again, but took the brush and stepped up to her little stool.
My eyes held with Blake’s, briefly though the mirror. The tension was high and the static between us was undeniable. The butterflies floating in my abdomen were played off as nerves. Of course I was nervous. I was about to lose my virginity. Shifting my gaze first, I filled a paper cup for Pea to rinse.
I gave her the towel to wipe her mouth and she turned to Blake, “Hey, we can have a birfday for you too, okay?” She asked, patting him on the chest.
“Okay, but it’s not my birthday yet.”
“Well I want to play guns again.”
Pea was relating the fun she had to her birthday. She didn’t understand she could have that every day if her idiot dad could see anything but work.
“Is your birfday now?” She asked, turning to me. I caught her when she jumped in my arms.
“It’s your bed time now. That’s what it is.”
“Well is it?”
“Yes, but we already played guns today. We’ll play guns tomorrow. I bet Larry will play with you.”
Pea formed the O and squealed, “Him can have the blue one.”
“Good idea. Jump in here,” I said, pulling the covers back.
“I want a story.”