“You had a story. It’s bed time. Grandma Grace wants to take you to a show tomorrow. You’re going to go see the Ninja Turtles on a big stage.”
“And you and daddy too?”
“No, just you and Grandma. She wants to spend the day with you because she misses you and she loves you so much.”
“Okay,” she agreed through a yawn. Pea rolled to her side and tucked her hands below her cheek. I smiled and pulled the covers to her neck.
“I love you, baby Pea. Sweet dreams,” I said, kissing her forehead, “What?” I asked, looking up to Blake. He was almost out the door. Walking backwards, he looked at me with that bewildered expression again. What the hell?
“Nothing. Goodnight, London,” he called over to her. Baby steps, Mikki, baby steps. He just read to her for the first time in her life. I decided the tucking in thing should wait until another time.
Seventeen
Awkward wasn’t even close to what sizzled between Blake and me after I closed the door. Tension rose quickly while we both stood still, neither of us sure what move to make next.
“What did you mean in there?”
“About?” I questioned, trying to conspicuously step away. Blake didn’t let me. He tugged on the front of my slouchy white shirt and pulled me to him. My feet stumbled, but I caught myself before my body collided with his.
“When Pea asked you if it was your birthday; you said yes.”
“No I didn’t, and you just called her Pea. You can’t argue that one,” I countered, trying to take the focus off me.
“Yes you did. I heard you. When is your birthday?”
“Right now. Right this second. Let’s get this over with. Where would you like me?”
“Your birthday’s the same day as London’s?”
“No, idiot. Her birthday is Thursday. I did the party today because I know I would never get you there on a week day.”
“Oh yeah. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Really, Blake? Why?” I asked matter of fact, animating it with a scowl and a head shake, “Are we doing this?”
“Okay, yeah,” he responded, waving an open hand down the long hall to the double doors. The hall looked longer and the doors looked bigger. My feet suddenly couldn’t move again and moved only because my top moved first. My heart refused to beat and I was dead for the entire seventeen steps.
“Jesus, girl. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m not nervous around bitches.”
“I’m not a bitch.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, but you sort of are. I mean this whole virgin thing. You were telling the truth.”
I snorted a little and walked to the glass doors leading to his very high balcony, “Your doctor friend tell you that?” I asked, looking out to the live city all around. Money has the power to persuade anyone, even doctors with an ethical obligation.
“I don’t know how to handle you,” Blake whispered in my ear. His hand slid, slowly down my right arm and my heart forgot to beat again. Blake moved my hair and his lips grazed my neck. Holy shit.
“How do you handle other girls?”
I felt the deep breath behind me, “I can’t do that with you.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I’ve thought about it a million times. You don’t know how many times I thought about shutting you up with something,” he rasped, showing me his something with his thrusting hips. My eyes closed when his hand moved around my waist and his fingers walked my baggy shirt higher than my shorts.
“I feel like you’re delicate.”
“I’m not delicate. I’m a lot stronger than I look.”
“No, I think that’s where you’re wrong. You try to look tough, but you’re not.”
“Yes I am,” I argued with an unfamiliar voice. My breathing was erratic, like I couldn’t find air. Was that normal? My hands felt clammy, maybe I was getting sick.
“You’re not,” he maintained.
My head fell to his chest when I felt his hand on my bare stomach. Jesus. God. He hadn’t even touched me yet, not really. The panic flowed through my veins like a flood when I felt the pull on the string. Shit. Shit. Shit. “I think you’re running from something not someone.”
“I’m not running from anyone or anything. You could have already found that out if you wanted to. You don’t want to know.”
I gasped when his fingers slipped through my shorts and panties at the same time, “You never got that social for me.”
My breath held while I waited for his hand to move from the patch of hair. His thumb brushed across my stomach and his fingers stilled just above my slit, “You have my name. You don’t want to know,” I said, holding him to the truth.
Blake turned me, taking both my hands. Neither of us spoke while he pulled me to the bed, walking backwards. I didn’t protest, but I didn’t speak either. I moved between his legs at his direction when he sat, “Why do I find this incredibly sexy?” He asked, looking at my baggy shorts, hanging from my hips. I turned my head when he abruptly stood, taking my shirt with him. His lips caught the corner of mine as soon as my shirt was in his hands.
“Right, no kissing,” he smirked and resumed his position on the bed. I found myself not knowing what to do. Did I just stand there and let him do it all, did I talk? What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to look at him? Ugh. This sucked. Being a virgin was complicated.
“This doesn’t surprise me,” Blake admitted with a smile while sliding my shorts over my hips, “You have lollypops on your panties.”
“They’re fun,” I said. They’re fun? Really? Blake snorted and moved my shorts to my ankles. I stepped out of them by myself. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t know how to do anything, although it was the truth. All the sex articles in the world couldn’t have prepared me for this. You can’t write these feelings.
Blake didn’t reply to my idiotic response with words. Instead he pulled me closer and spread soft, seductive kisses over my stomach. I wanted to say something about kissing, but refrained. I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth; if anything. I didn’t trust the unfamiliar emotions I was feeling.
I stopped breathing again when I felt the snap of my bra and the release in my breasts. A soft moan pressed my lips when his teeth tugged my nipple.
“Can we just do it?”
The pain and pleasure was released from my nipple when Blake stopped and looked at me, “Um, yeah okay.”
“Good,” I said, stepping around him. I removed my panties on my own and awkwardly danced in front of him. Shoot. Now what? We silently stared at each other while Blake removed his clothes. Why did he look as distraught as me? He was supposed to be the experienced one. I tried to keep my eyes on his when his pants were dropped to the floor. I took a deep breath when my eyes went to the condom. Oh boy. This could hurt.
Blake rolled the condom to his fully erect rod while his eyes searched me out, “This is just lubrication, it’ll help,” he said taking the bottle from the dresser. I wondered if it was bought specifically for me or if it was a public bottle.
“I know what it is. I’m not ignorant. I’m a virgin.”
“Sorry, lay down.”
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. I walked backward until the bed stopped me. Did he want me sideways, normal, what? Jesus. What was I supposed to do!?
“You can lay across it if you want,” he offered. I nodded my head and slid back. Thankfully Blake took it from there. He opened my legs himself. I felt like, like, I don’t even know what. Like a virgin, I guess. My feet were flat on the mattress and my knees were far apart. I couldn’t help but turn my head and cover my face with my hands when I felt the lubrication drip and then run between my legs. Mixing with the natural lubrication of my own body, his fingers combined the two and I hoped he couldn’t tell I was really that wet.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered, sliding a finger inside me. It felt nice, I liked the way it felt, but I still didn’t move, nor did I move my hands. I lay perfectly still
while Blake moved one finger in and out of me. I thought I would die of embarrassment when I felt him split me with two fingers and rub my aching clitoris. Blake played with me there for a long time, making hissing and grunting noises like some sexed crazed manic. It felt great, but I still didn’t look.
“Will you just do it already,” I finally asked again.
“Are you going to hide your face the whole time? You know I can still see you, right?”
I laughed a little and moved my hands. Shoot. I shouldn’t have done that. I watched Blake stroke himself, sliding the slippery substance over his rubber coated condom. His eyes watched me closely and I held his gaze.
“I can’t do this,” Blake said, rolling over to his back beside me.
“What do you mean you can’t do it? Yes you can. We’re this far. We’re not stopping now.”
“But I feel like I’m forcing you. I don’t want that to be your first time.”
“I want you to.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I’m laying here naked, you’re ready, and we had a deal. Let’s do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Bible.”
“Uh?”
“Nothing. Let’s do it.”
My legs relaxed and Blake moved between my legs. “I wish you would let me kiss you,” he said as he slid himself up and down my wet slit. I didn’t reply to the kiss remark. I couldn’t speak and breathe at the same time. My hand went flat to Blake’s bare chest on impulse. Our eyes locked and he guided himself inside me. He stopped moving when I pushed on his chest. Once I relaxed my hand, he relaxed his hips into me. This went on for four times before I felt him shove all the way in. My lips parted and I gasped, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. It didn’t really hurt at all. Within a couple minutes it didn’t really feel like anything, I mean it felt good and all, mostly when his pelvis met my clit.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered. I looked away. I wasn’t beautiful. Dick. Did girls really fall this stuff? How many ‘I love you’s’ are first heard while a guy is getting his rocks off inside a girl? I ignored the beautiful comment and focused on the feeling between my legs. How long did this take? I once read that a man could last from three to seven minutes. The shiny black and chrome clock built into the black and white city art told me that too was a lie. Fourteen minutes from the time my hand touched his strong chest until the expression changed on his face.
It wasn’t until the last thirty seconds that his slow, seductive pace picked up in speed. Veins popped in his neck and his lips pursed, releasing some sort of sexy moan amongst other things. His hips thrust in and out of me quickly and then bam. Dead stop into me. His eyes rolled back and then closed while his hips jerked with the pleasurable release.
I moved my hand from his chest when I realized it was over and uneasily looked to the clock again, “Can I go now?” I asked, breaking the silence when he just stared down at me. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like being this close and I didn’t get the whole sex thing. I mean it wasn’t so bad, I just didn’t understand what the big deal was, or why he would be willing to pay me for that. Seemed silly to me.
I think I caught him off guard. Blake pulled his gaze from my eyes and slowly moved them down my body. My eyes went there too, and I watched him slide out of me. He took my hands and pulled me to his body. I didn’t wait for anything else to happen. I did what I was supposed to do and I wanted out of there. Stepping around him, I jumped into my panties and then my shirt. I carried my bra and shorts and got the hell out of there.
Once I was away from Blake I stopped at the top of the steps and breathed a deep, long breath. In and out. I lifted my foot, dropped one foot into my shorts and then stopped. Shit.
“Hey, I was just, I was—,”
“I don’t need the details. Goodnight, sweetie,” Grace said, smiling from ear to ear. Great. Now she thought me and Blake were an item.
***
I moved Pea away from the fire a little before tossing on the last two logs. That should last the night. Moving beside Pea, I pulled her close to me. Why did he have to be involved in this mess anyway? I still didn’t have an answer and I didn’t know what to do. For the first time since I had run, I felt like it was wrong. It wasn’t fair to Pea. What if we never got caught? Then what? I was afraid to use the credit card; therefore our secret identities were shit. I couldn’t just keep running with her.
The cash I had would run out, and then what? I groaned and sat up. I wasn’t sleeping. My mind wasn’t going to shut down long enough for that. I reached for my bag and retrieved a pen. I shook the ink to the end and drew a straight line and let my mind think about Blake. I sat cross legged the same way I was now, minus the bed. The beginning of the feather started at the top and I worked my way down my right arm.
***
I’d done the same thing that night that I was doing by the fire. I could probably draw this feather with my eyes closed. I had quite a bit shaded in that night when something washed over me. My birthday. September fourth. This was the first birthday without my mom, I’d just had sex for the first time in my life, it burned down there a little, and a sense of worthlessness splashed over me. I drew a pistol in great detail, but rather than the bullet, the gun held rubber tipped Nerf bullet. I smiled and watched the tear slide down my arm and over the feather. Black rain.
Jumping I wiped the tears with the inside of my shirt, “What!?” I snapped opening the door. I knew it was him.
“I, um. I just wanted to say thank you,” Blake stammered.
“You don’t have to thank me. Just hold up to your end of the deal,” I smartly said, holding the door with my forgotten artwork. I dropped it behind my back when I saw his eyes staring at it.
“I wasn’t thanking you for sex.”
Frowning I asked, “What were you thanking me for?”
“This,” he said, taking my arm and pointing to my detailed artwork, “Thank you for buying my little girl stupid toy guns and telling her I bought them. I didn’t even get her anything,” he admitted with guilty eyes.
“It was nothing,” I said, pulling my arm away from his finger tracing the gun.
“It was something. Nobody’s ever gone that extra mile for me.”
“That’s a lie. I’ve only known your mother for one day and I know that’s a lie.”
“Yeah, well maybe back in the day. We don’t really talk much.”
“Why? I can’t imagine my mother being here and not talking to her. I would give my right arm to talk to my mom.”
“Where is your mom?”
Shit. Open mouth and insert foot—AGAIN! “She’s back in Chicago. Do you want anything else?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Goodnight, Blake.”
I closed the door, dismissing him from my business. What’s wrong with me? Really? What’s wrong? Let’s just go down the line. We’ll start with my birthday and end with taking my V card. How’s that for what’s wrong?
Eighteen
“Pea, wake up. Shhh. Be very quiet,” I whispered, seeing the trail of hikers heading our way. Pea looked to the hikers when I moved my finger from my lips to the noisy ramblers, moving in on our position. I tossed our things in our backpacks and motioned her toward a patch of pines.
“I have to pee,” she whispered.
“Shhh, hang on.”
“Where are they going?”
“Shhh.”
We sat on a bed of needles and waited for the crowd of seven to pass us by. The leader of the pack stopped and looked around the forest with a frown. His foot kicked dust to what was left of our smoldering fire and his eyes landed right on me and Pea. Shit!
“Come on, Pea. Let’s go,” I coaxed, pulling her up. We trotted through the thick patch of pine trees at a steady pace; Pea just few feet in front of me. Once I knew we weren’t being followed, I stopped to let Pea use the bathroom.
“I don’t want to live here anymore,” she complained,
squatting to pee.
“Me either. What do you say we get a hotel and eat steak in some fancy restaurant?”
“I hate steak.”
“Me too. Pizza?”
“Yeah! I peed on my shoe.”
“Great. Let’s get out of here. I need a hot shower and real shampoo.”
Pea used a walking stick, pretending to be blind and walked just in front of me, leading us out of the forest and back to civilization. If things were ever okay again, I vowed we would go camping again. I noticed the scratch down the back of Pea’s leg. As nice as our adventure in the woods was, I knew this wasn’t the way she needed to be cared for. And truth be told, I’d had enough too.
“You want me to tell you a story?” Pea asked.
Not noticing the switch Pea took with her, I obliviously walked right into the swinging thorns.
“Ouch. Sure,” I agreed, pulling briars from my arm.
“Okay, so, once upon a time there was a fairy. Ask me what her name was?”
“What was her name?”
“Her name was Midnight because that’s the only time she came out.”
I half listened to the silly little story while Pea went on and on, going into great detail. I knew the exact layout of the fairy’s room, what she ate for breakfast, and the names of every person the fairy knew. Believe me when I say this fairy knew a lot of people. I mean a lot.
My mouthed hummed once in a while, letting her know I was listening. My mind wondered to her daddy while hers ran wild with imagination. I created a monster.
***
The day I turned the legal age to vote was the same day I became a woman. It was also a first. The first of many nostalgic events I would have without my mom. Nonetheless, I pulled myself out of bed and dusted it off after the few hours of sleep. My morning routine quickly became habit. I observed the artwork on my arm at the same time I studied my ghostly complexion. Misplaced eyes stared back at me with prominent dark circles, shading the puffiness.
It was time to make a plan. There were no more excuses. Becoming the legal age to be on my own, I didn’t really need Blake anymore. Well, maybe a little. I did need his money. That was another excuse and so was Pea. Every day I came up with a damn good reason why I shouldn’t confront him yet. I turned every day into months and I still hadn’t done what I had come to do.