CHAPTER v. -- A LETTER.
As soon as Mrs Charlton was acquainted with the departure of youngDelvile, she returned to Cecilia, impatient to be informed what hadpassed. The narration she heard both hurt and astonished her; thatCecilia, the Heiress of such a fortune, the possessor of so much beauty,descended of a worthy family, and formed and educated to grace a nobleone, should be rejected by people to whom her wealth would be mostuseful, and only in secret have their alliance proposed to her, shedeemed an indignity that called for nothing but resentment, andapproved and enforced the resolution of her young friend to resist allsolicitations which Mr and Mrs Delvile did not second themselves.
About, two hours after Delvile was gone, his letter arrived. Ceciliaopened it with trepidation, and read as follows.
To Miss Beverley.
September 20, 1779.
What could be the apprehensions, the suspicions of Miss Beverley when soearnestly she prohibited my writing? From a temper so unguarded as minecould she fear any subtlety of doctrine? Is my character so little knownto her that she can think me capable of craft or duplicity? Had I eventhe desire, I have neither the address nor the patience to practicethem; no, loveliest Miss Beverley, though sometimes by vehemence I mayincautiously offend, by sophistry, believe me, I never shall injure;my ambition, as I have told you, is to convince, not beguile, and myarguments shall be simple as my professions shall be sincere.
Yet how again may I venture to mention a proposal which so lately almostbefore you had heard you rejected? Suffer me, however, to assure youit resulted neither from insensibility to your delicacy, nor to my ownduty; I made it, on the contrary, with that reluctance and timiditywhich were given me by an apprehension that both seemed to be offendedby it;--but alas! already I have said what with grief I must repeat, Ihave no resource, no alternative, between receiving the honour of yourhand in secret or foregoing you for ever.
You will wonder, you may well wonder at such a declaration; and againthat severe renunciation with which you wounded me, will tremble onyour lips,--Oh there let it stop! nor let the air again be agitated withsounds so discordant!
In that cruel and heart-breaking moment when I tore myself from youat Delvile Castle, I confessed to you the reason of my flight, and Idetermined to see you no more. I named not to you, then, my family,the potency of my own objections against daring to solicit your favourrendering theirs immaterial; my own are now wholly removed, but theirsremain in full force.
My father, descended of a race which though decaying in wealth, isunsubdued in pride, considers himself as the guardian of the honourof his house, to which he holds the name of his ancestors inseparablyannexed; my mother, born of the same family, and bred to the same ideas,has strengthened this opinion by giving it the sanction of her own.
Such being their sentiments; you will not, madam, be surprised thattheir only son, the sole inheritor of their fortune, and sole object oftheir expectations, should early have admitted the same. Indeed almostthe first lesson I was taught was that of reverencing the familyfrom which I am descended, and the name to which I am born. I was bidconsider myself as its only remaining support, and sedulously instructedneither to act nor think but with a view to its aggrandizement anddignity.
Thus, unchecked by ourselves, and uncontrouled by the world, thishaughty self-importance acquired by time a strength, and by mutualencouragement a firmness, which Miss Beverley alone could possibly, Ibelieve, have shaken! What, therefore, was my secret alarm, when first Iwas conscious of the force of her attractions, and found my mind whollyoccupied with admiration of her excellencies! All that pride coulddemand, and all to which ambition could aspire, all that happiness couldcovet, or the most scrupulous delicacy exact, in her I found united; andwhile my heart was enslaved by her charms, my understanding exulted inits fetters. Yet to forfeit my name, to give up for-ever a family whichupon me rested its latest expectations,--Honour, I thought forbad it,propriety and manly spirit revolted at the sacrifice. The renunciationof my birth-right seemed a desertion of the post in which I wasstationed; I forbore, therefore, even in my wishes, to solicit yourfavour, and vigorously determined to fly you as dangerous to my peace,because unattainable without dishonour.
Such was the intended regulation of my conduct at the time I receivedBiddulph's letter; in three days I was to leave England; my father,with much persuasion, had consented to my departure; my mother, whopenetrated into my motives, had never opposed it; but how great wasthe change wrought upon my mind by reading that letter! my steadinessforsook me, my resolution wavered; yet I thought him deceived, andattributed his suspicions to jealousy; but still, Fidel I knew wasmissing--and to hear he was your darling companion--was it possible toquit England in a state of such uncertainty? to be harassed in distantclimates with conjectures I might then never satisfy? No; I told myfriends I must visit Biddulph before I left the kingdom, and promisingto return to them in three or four days, I hastily set out for Suffolk,and rested not till I arrived at Mrs Charlton's.
What a scene there awaited me! to behold the loved mistress of my heart,the opposed, yet resistless object of my fondest admiration, caressingan animal she knew to be mine, mourning over him his master's illhealth, and sweetly recommending to him fidelity,--Ah! forgive theretrospection, I will dwell on it no longer. Little, indeed, had Iimagined with what softness the dignity of Miss Beverley was blended,though always conscious that her virtues, her attractions, and herexcellencies, would reflect lustre upon the highest station to whichhuman grandeur could raise her, and would still be more exalted than herrank, though that were the most eminent upon earth.--And had there beena thousand, and ten thousand obstacles to oppose my addressing her,vigorously and undauntedly would I have combated with them all, inpreference to yielding to this single objection!
Let not the frankness of this declaration irritate you, but rather letit serve to convince you of the sincerity of what follows; various asare the calamities of life which may render me miserable, YOU only,among even its chosen felicities, have power to make me happy. Fame,honours, wealth, ambition, were insufficient without you; all chance ofinternal peace, and every softer hope is now centered in yourfavour, and to lose you, from whatever cause, ensures me wretchednessunmitigated. With respect therefore to myself, the die is finally cast,and the conflict between bosom felicity and family pride is deliberatelyover. This name which so vainly I have cherished and so painfullysupported, I now find inadequate to recompense me for the sacrificewhich its preservation requires. I part with it, I own, with regret thatthe surrender is necessary; yet is it rather an imaginary than an actualevil, and though a deep wound to pride, no offence to morality.
Thus have I laid open to you my whole heart, confessed my perplexities,acknowledged my vain-glory, and exposed with equal sincerity the sourcesof my doubts, and the motives of my decision; but now, indeed, how toproceed I know not; the difficulties which are yet to encounter I fearto enumerate, and the petition I have to urge I have scarce courage tomention.
My family, mistaking ambition for honour, and rank for dignity, havelong planned a splendid connection for me, to which though my invariablerepugnance has stopt any advances, their wishes and their viewsimmovably adhere. I am but too certain they will now listen to no other.I dread, therefore, to make a trial where I despair of success, I knownot how to risk a prayer with those who may silence me by a command.
In a situation so desperate, what then remains? Must I make anapplication with a certainty of rejection, and then mock all authorityby acting in defiance of it? Or, harder task yet! relinquish my dearesthopes when no longer persuaded of their impropriety? Ah! sweetest MissBeverley, end the struggle at once! My happiness, my peace, are whollyin your power, for the moment of our union secures them for life.
It may seem to you strange that I should thus purpose to brave thefriends whom I venture not to entreat; but from my knowledge of theircharacters and sentiments I am certain I have no other resource. Theirfavourite principles were too early imbibed to be now at t
his lateseason eradicated. Slaves that we all are to habits, and dupes toappearances, jealous guardians of our pride, to which our comfort issacrificed, and even our virtue made subservient, what conviction canbe offered by reason, to notions that exist but by prejudice? They havebeen cherished too long for rhetorick to remove them, they can onlybe expelled by all-powerful Necessity. Life is, indeed, too brief,and success too precarious, to trust, in any case where happiness isconcerned, the extirpation of deep-rooted and darling opinions, to theslow-working influence of argument and disquisition.
Yet bigotted as they are to rank and family, they adore Miss Beverley,and though their consent to the forfeiture of their name might foreverbe denied, when once they beheld her the head and ornament of theirhouse, her elegance and accomplishments joined to the splendour of herfortune, would speedily make them forget the plans which now whollyabsorb them. Their sense of honour is in nothing inferior to their senseof high birth; your condescension, therefore, would be felt by them inits fullest force, and though, during their first surprize, they mightbe irritated against their son, they would make it the study of theirlives that the lady who for him had done so much, should never, throughtheir means, repine for herself.
With regard to settlements, the privacy of our union would not affectthem; one Confident we must unavoidably trust, and I would deposit inthe hands of whatever person you would name, a bond by which I wouldengage myself to settle both your fortune and my own, according to thearbitration of our mutual friends. The time for secrecy though painfulwould be short, and even from the altar, if you desired it, I wouldhasten to Delvile Castle. Not one of my friends should you see till theywaited upon you themselves to solicit your presence at their house, tillour residence elsewhere was fixed.
Oh loveliest Cecilia, from a dream Of happiness so sweet awaken me not!from a plan Of felicity so attractive turn not away! If one part of itis unpleasant, reject not therefore all; and since without some drawbackno earthly bliss is attainable, do not, by a refinement too scrupulousfor the short period of our existence, deny yourself that delightwhich your benevolence will afford you, in snatching from the pangs ofunavailing regret and misery, the gratefullest of men in the humblestand most devoted of your servants, MORTIMER DELVILE.
Cecilia read and re-read this letter, but with a perturbation of mindthat made her little able to weigh its contents. Paragraph byparagraph her sentiments varied, and her determination was changed; theearnestness of his supplication now softened her into compliance, theacknowledged pride of his family now irritated her into resentment, andthe confession of his own regret now sickened her into despondence. Shemeant in an immediate answer, to have written a final dismission;but though proof against his entreaties, because not convinced by hisarguments, there was something in the conclusion of his letter thatstaggered her resolution.
Those scruples and that refinement against which he warned her, sheherself thought might be overstrained, and to gratify unnecessarypunctilio, the short period of existence be rendered causelesslyunhappy. He had truly said that their union would be no offence tomorality, and with respect merely to pride, why should that be spared?He knew he possessed her heart, she had long been certain of his,her character had early gained the affection of his mother, and theessential service which an income such as hers must do the family, wouldsoon be felt too powerfully to make her connection with it regretted.
These reflections were so pleasant she knew not how to discard them; andthe consciousness that her secret was betrayed not only to himself, butto Mr Biddulph, Lord Ernolf, Lady Honoria Pemberton, and Mrs Delvile,gave them additional force, by making it probable she was yet morewidely suspected. But still her delicacy and her principles revoltedagainst a conduct of which the secrecy seemed to imply the impropriety."How shall I meet Mrs Delvile," cried she, "after an action soclandestine? How, after praise such as she has bestowed upon me, bearthe severity of her eye, when she thinks I have seduced from her theobedience of her son! A son who is the sole solace and first hope of herexistence, whose virtues make all her happiness, and whose filial pietyis her only glory!--And well may she glory in a son such as Delvile!Nobly has he exerted himself in situations the most difficult, hisfamily and his ideas of honour he has preferred to his peace and health,he has fulfilled with spirit and integrity the various, the conflictingduties of life. Even now, perhaps, in his present application, hemay merely think himself bound by knowing me no longer free, and hisgenerous sensibility to the weakness he has discovered, without any ofthe conviction to which he pretends, may have occasioned this proposal!"
A suggestion so mortifying again changed her determination; and thetears of Henrietta Belfield, with the letter which she had surprized inher hand recurring to her memory, all her thoughts turned once more uponrejecting him for-ever.
In this fluctuating state of mind she found writing impracticable;while uncertain what to wish, to decide was impossible. She disdainedcoquetry, she was superior to trifling, the candour and openness ofDelvile had merited all her sincerity, and therefore while any doubtremained, with herself, she held it unworthy her character to tell himshe had none.
Mrs Charlton, upon reading the letter, became again the advocate ofDelvile; the frankness with which he had stated his difficulties assuredher of his probity, and by explaining his former conduct, satisfied herwith the rectitude of his future intentions. "Do not, therefore, my dearchild," cried she, "become the parent of your own misery by refusinghim; he deserves you alike from his principles and his affection, andthe task would both be long and melancholy to disengage him from yourheart. I see not, however, the least occasion for the disgrace of aprivate marriage; I know not any family to which you would not be anhonour, and those who feel not your merit, are little worth pleasing.Let Mr Delvile, therefore, apply openly to his friends, and if theyrefuse their consent, be their prejudices their reward. You are freedfrom all obligations where caprice only can raise objections, and youmay then, in the face of the world, vindicate your choice."
The wishes of Cecilia accorded with this advice, though the generaltenour of Delvile's letter gave her little reason to expect he wouldfollow it.