“Okay,” she said in an odd voice as I bent down to pick up the bowl. My hands shook a little as I tossed the tissues.
“I’ll take one too,” she said, getting up from the bed. I kept my back to her as I gathered up my towel and shower stuff. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t look at her.
We both headed for the large bathroom and didn’t speak as we walked into the stalls that were right next to each other. I tried not to listen or think about the fact that she was taking her clothes off mere feet away from me. Of course, there was a wall, but still. I could see her feet in her pink flip-flops. Mine were black. Everything about Cordelia was bright and fun and I wished I could be more like her. I was just so afraid of so many things. I definitely cared far too much what people thought of me. And I cared a lot about order and schedules and having everything just so. I was hoping her chaos would rub off on me a little. Not too much.
I stripped and turned on the water and heard her humming. I couldn’t figure out the tune, but it was sweet. I was normally someone who took real fast showers, but I stayed under the water longer because Cordelia was still humming and had her water going.
So many thoughts ran through my head and I just wanted to hit a switch and shut my brain off for a little while. Too many thoughts. Nearly all of them were about Cordelia. About how her skin had felt against my arm. About how cute she looked when she smiled. About how looking at her face made me feel like I was standing still, instead of running and running and running like I normally did. About how I didn’t know how I would have gotten through these first few days of college without her.
So many thoughts. Too many thoughts. I rinsed my hair again, wishing that the thoughts would go with my conditioner down the drain. If only it worked like that.
I left the shower with my towel wrapped securely around me and looked over as Cordelia got out as well. Her skin was bright pink from the hot water and her towel didn’t do much to conceal her body. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable so I just gave her a little nod and then shuffled back to our room with her behind me. I should have brought clothes with me and got dressed in the shower.
I turned my back on Cordelia and got my pajamas out. I had mastered the art of getting dressed without getting naked. We still really didn’t know each other, and I’d always had trouble with being naked around other people. I wasn’t ashamed of my body, but I didn’t like to show it to anyone.
As I got my clothes on, I heard Cordelia rustling around in her drawers and I made the mistake of looking up in the mirror that was above my dresser so I could check to see if I needed to pluck my eyebrows. They grew out of control sometimes and I had to keep them constantly groomed or I looked like I had caterpillars above my eyes.
One second I was looking at my own face and the next I was seeing miles of creamy skin covered in freckles. I looked away as quickly as I could, but not before my body jolted with something I didn’t understand. It was just her back. She had on shorts, but hadn’t put her top on yet. Just a back. Nothing more. Still, I felt my face getting red and my stomach flopped and flipped like a gymnast on a beam.
I coughed and pulled on the rest of my clothes and willed my face to stop being red. A few shaky breaths later, I turned around to find Cordelia combing her fingers through her hair. She made a face when she hit a snag.
“I wish I could brush it, but curls and brushes don’t mix.” I grabbed a wide-toothed comb from my dresser.
“Would this work?” I held it up and she smiled. My stomach did another swoop.
“Maybe? It’s worth a shot.” Instead of taking the comb from me, she turned around and put her hair over her shoulder. When it was wet, it fell halfway down her back. My fingers trembled as I sectioned out a few pieces and ran them through the comb, starting with the ends and working my way up.
“I envy your short hair. I wish I could do that with mine, but I would probably end up looking like a frizzy puff.” I let out a breathy laugh. I was still having some trouble getting myself relaxed again. What was wrong with me?
Cordelia’s hair slid through my fingers.
“You’d still look cute as a frizzy puff,” I said and she turned her head to give me a smile. I thought I was going to explode.
“Thanks.”
I finished the rest of her hair in silence and she slicked her curl cream through it.
“I’m curious to see the results,” she said, getting on her tiptoes to look in my mirror.
I needed to read. I needed to get out of this room. I needed to take a deep breath. I needed to calm the hell down.
Cordelia flopped down on the bed with a sigh.
“We did it. We got through our first day of college. Now we just have a bazillion more to go.” I had done the math on how many days I had left of college, but I didn’t want to tell her what the exact count was.
“Yeah, we did.” Now we just had to get through the next few years of days.
Cordelia looked over at me with a pout as I settled on my bed.
“Will you read to me?” I couldn’t say no to her even if I wanted to.
I had no idea if our roommate relationship was normal, but I didn’t really care. In this chaotic new environment, Cordelia felt like ... an anchor. When everything was spinning, she helped me stand still.
I definitely wasn’t going to share those thoughts with her. Not now, not ever.
“Hey,” she said as I picked up the book we’d been reading. I looked up and she was watching me, a serious look on her face.
“Yeah?” I asked, the book almost slipping from my fingers.
“I’m really glad you’re my roommate.” Her ears and cheeks got red and I wondered why. She definitely blushed a lot, due to her coloring, so it might be nothing.
“Me, too,” I said. She closed her eyes and a smile played on her face.
CORDELIA
Somehow I made it through my first week of college and only got lost three times, fell asleep in class once, was late twice, and had exactly two and a half panic attacks. That was successful for me. Of course, when I told Chase that, she gave me such a horrified look that I laughed until I started crying.
I also made a few friends, including a guy named Atticus in my Intro to US History class, and two girls in my Art History 102 class, Bree and Mariella. I was managing to keep up with homework for the most part, and my dad hadn’t shown up at my dorm room to ask me how school was going. I called that a win in my book.
Chase, on the other hand, was already a week ahead in her homework, had written a paper that wasn’t due for weeks, and seemed reluctant to venture out too much, except for hanging out with Stella, which usually meant hanging out with Kyle, and I was always up for that. I wished Kyle and I had some classes together, but it hadn’t worked out that way. Chase and Stella had two together and I couldn’t lie, I was jealous.
On Saturday, Chase told me she was going to the library to study with Stella and asked me if I wanted to come along. Honestly, I wanted to lay in bed and be comfortable as I tried to get my brain to focus on textbook reading, but I wanted to be with her, even if she wasn’t paying attention to me. I was fully serious about her work ethic rubbing off on me. It was going to happen. Plus, someone had to be there to stop her before she studied so hard that her eyeballs caught fire. I was happy to be that person.
We gathered up our bags and headed down the hall to pick up Stella, and Kyle was there too. Her bag had wheels on it, and she was using a cane that had blue and purple sparkles swirled on it.
“Ready?” Chase said and they both nodded. She seemed much more comfortable with both of them, and I was glad some random computer had put Stella down the hall. Not only was she completely gorgeous and put-together, but she was whip smart. She could give Chase a run for her money. They quoted books back and forth, far too fast for me to follow. Kyle just stared at Stella as if she hung the moon and it made my heart ache.
I wanted that. I wanted that so much that it kept me up at night. They were just so effo
rtless with each other. They were always touching, always leaning toward each other. As if gravity pulled them together.
I hadn’t seen that growing up, since my mom had split and my dad didn’t really date much. I think he was worried about bringing someone in my life that wouldn’t end up staying. Plus, he spent way too much of his energy on me. I had a lot of guilt about that, but I hadn’t known what to say to him to change it. In the end, he was the parent and he could do what he wanted. If that was attending every single dance recital, concert, and award ceremony and not going on dates, that was his choice. Maybe now that he didn’t have to do all that, he could find someone to hang out with. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to find a woman that could love him because he was pretty fucking awesome.
“Elise was going to come, but Eli surprised her with a date,” Stella said. I’d met Elise a few days ago and she was a total doll. Her wardrobe made me drool and her confidence was to be envied. Plus, her purple glasses were adorable. Her figure was thicker than mine, and she rocked every bit of it. I hadn’t met her partner Eli, who was non-binary and used they/them pronouns. I’d never met anyone like that before, but I had definitely lived a sheltered life in my small town. I mean, there were probably non-binary people there, too, I just didn’t know about them. College was expanding my mind in so many ways.
“They are so cute. Almost as cute as we are,” Kyle said, and then puckered her lips for a kiss that Stella gave her.
“You’re right. No one is as cute as we are, baby.” They both giggled and that ache inside pulsed like a heartbeat. I didn’t know what it was, or how to make it go away.
A boy. I needed a boy. Chase and I had made a pact that we were both going to get boyfriends by the end of the year, and as soon as I got my shit together as far as homework, I was going to be on the case. I hadn’t really dated much. I’d kissed a few boys here and there (and done a little more than kissing), but it never felt right, and I’d always been a little relieved when they had moved on, or ghosted me. Guess I was just picky. There weren’t a lot of options in my town, so I had a much better chance now. I just had to, you know, go out and do it.
IT TOOK A WHILE FOR us all to find a place we felt comfortable studying at. Kyle finally plopped down on a chair and said she wasn’t moving, so we sat at that table.
I pulled out my textbooks first, since they were the worst. I had a few of them as e-books, but I wanted to get the paper ones done. They were definitely the most awful.
I looked up and Chase was already engrossed in one of her books. Biology. She was so smart that she’d gotten into a higher level than I had, so I was stuck in Bio 105. Her mind was amazing. It surprised me every day how it worked. Whereas I could barely think from one minute to the next, she was always five moves ahead and had a map on how to get there. She was just so interesting. And smart. And tall. I had to admit, I loved that she could get things down from the top of my closet for me. I no longer had to jump, or climb on things, or use something else to knock the box of Lucky Charms off the top shelf when I decided to have a snack.
Okay, I was definitely not getting my Algebra done and that was the reason I’d come to the library in the first place. Not to be obsessing over Chase, which was a strange thing to do anyway. I was just trying to avoid doing homework again. Get your shit together, Cordelia Scott.
TWO HOURS LATER, I had made somewhat of a dent in my homework and I was also dying for a snack.
“I’m hungry,” Kyle declared, and I was the only one to look up. Stella and Chase had put in earbuds to drown out the ambient noise of the library. I liked it. In fact, I would have preferred for there to be more noise. I thrived in chaos for some reason. I liked to have a lot going on around me. Made it easier to focus. Or maybe it was because I grew up with a dad who was always chopping wood, or building something, or using power tools right next to me, and I had to figure out how to tune him out. Plus, he liked to sing. A lot. Loudly.
“Me, too,” I said, giving her a smile. She took her hair down from its bun and then twisted it up again. I fiddled with the ends of my curls. They did look great today, I had to admit. And they weren’t going to end up as tangled at the end of the day since Chase had combed them out for me. We’d started that nightly ritual of having her comb out my hair for me and then reading for a while before we fell asleep. It had become a critical part of my day and I didn’t know what I would do without it. Her voice and the stories that she picked quieted my brain. When I listened to her, I wasn’t thinking a thousand thoughts at once. I wasn’t spinning off into five hundred directions. I wasn’t worrying or panicking. I was only thinking about the way her beautiful brown eyes bounced along the pages, how she read with such conviction and passion, and how still she was when she read. Often, she was full of nervous energy and always doing one thing or another, but when she read, she was still. I figured it was as good for her to read to me as it was for me to listen to it. Something for both of us.
Kyle poked Stella, who looked up grumpily.
“Babe, I’m starving. Can we take a coffee break and come back?” She pouted, and Stella’s grumpy expression melted.
“I can’t say no to you,” she said with a sigh.
I reached out and tapped Chase, who jumped when she realized we were all looking at her.
“Sorry,” she said, pulling out her earbuds. “I was focused.” I laughed as she blinked a few times, as if she was emerging from another world.
“Want to go refuel and then come back?” I also needed to get up and stretch my legs. Kyle got up and groaned, stretching her legs. She was pretty open about her disability. She’d been born with one leg shorter than the other and had tons of surgeries, but there was still a difference, so she walked with a limp and needed a cane occasionally.
“You okay?” Stella asked as Kyle flexed and pointed her toe.
“Yeah, just stiff today.” She leaned on her cane and took a few steps. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Everyone can calm down.” She laughed and started walking. I hoped I hadn’t been staring too much or treating her differently. I liked her and I didn’t want to make her upset.
“Does it hurt?” I asked as we gathered up our things and headed to the coffee shop on the first floor. We were restricted from bringing anything from the shop upstairs, which was a bummer. The first-floor tables and chairs and couches were crowded with students and laptops, all trying to caffeinate and work at the same time. I saw a lot of frantic eyes and it wasn’t even close to finals time. I was going to try not to think about that.
“Not really. Just gets stiff sometimes,” Kyle said. I didn’t want to babble at her, so I just nodded.
“What do you want? My treat,” Stella asked the three of us.
“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” I said, and Chase protested, but she waved us off.
“You’ll get me next time. No worries.” She beamed and I couldn’t believe she was that pretty and that smart and that nice. No wonder Kyle was head over heels for her.
I didn’t want to take advantage, so I just ordered an iced vanilla coffee and a small pastry. Chase got the same, but without the flavoring in the coffee. We lurked until we got a table and Kyle sat down.
“To our first week in college,” she said, lifting her cup. We all tapped our cups together.
“We livedddddd,” I said dramatically and they all laughed. “I still keep expecting my dad to show up and ask me how it’s going.”
“My dad is literally a college professor. It’s going to be a struggle to write my papers without his approval,” Stella said, and I winced. Ouch. That was even worse than my dad.
“Except your dad hasn’t threatened to drive up and break into your dorm room if you don’t call and check in at least once a day,” Kyle said while she made a face.
“Wait, seriously?” I asked.
She nodded.
“Afraid so. I mean, my mom said it in a joking way, but like, that is totally something she would do. She and Dad are like Gold Star helicopter
parents.” She laughed a little and shook her head and we all started talking about how our respective parents were handling us being away.
It was nice. They were easy to talk to and didn’t seem to mind if I got off track and babbled. I also sometimes got kinda loud, but they didn’t seem to mind that either. It was usually hard for me to feel super comfortable with new people, but it wasn’t that way with them. I didn’t think they were talking behind my back about how annoying I was. I’d had that experience before more than once.
The caffeine started having an effect on me, so I suggested we go back to studying so I could use the fuel while I had it.
BY THE TIME DINNER rolled around, my brain was fried and I was ready to not think for a while. We all decided to go to the Union and get pizza, and then went back to our dorm.
“Do you want to watch a movie or something?” Stella asked. I looked at Chase and she nodded.
“Yeah, sure,” I said. We headed to her room and found Elise there, reading a book and with a notebook next to her and a purple pen in her hand. Her side of the room was a riot of color and rainbows and even a few pictures of unicorns. I loved it.
“Hey, how’s it going?” she said, looking up and smiling. Today she had leggings with a star print on them and a black top that had subtle shimmer woven through it. Her lipstick was bright purple.
“Good, how was your date?” Stella asked as we all piled our bags near the door. There wasn’t a whole lot of place to sit, but Stella pulled out some fold-up chairs from her closet and set them out.
“Eli is ridiculous. They took me out to this field that I didn’t even know existed near campus and we went on a walk only to find they’d set up a picnic. Honestly, it makes me feel like a bad girlfriend.” She laughed, but she was beaming.
“Aw, that’s so sweet,” Kyle said, hooking her cane on Stella’s bed and sitting down on her gray and white chevron-patterned comforter. Stella’s side of the room was much more subdued, done in shades of gray, white, and pale blue.