LETTER IX
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE THURSDAY AFTERNOON, APRIL 13.
I am infinitely concerned, my ever dear and ever kind friend, that I amthe sad occasion of the displeasure between your mother and you.--Howmany persons have I made unhappy.
Had I not to console myself, that my error is not owing to wickedprecipitation, I should be the most miserable of all creatures. As itis, I am enough punished in the loss of my character, more valuableto me than my life; and in the cruel doubts and perplexities which,conflicting with my hopes, and each getting the victory by turns, harrowup my soul between them.
I think, however, that you should obey your mother, and decline acorrespondence with me; at least for the present. Take care how youfall into my error; for that begun with carrying on a prohibitedcorrespondence; a correspondence which I thought it in my power todiscontinue at pleasure. My talent is scribbling; and I the readier fellinto this freedom, as I found delight in writing; having motives too,which I thought laudable; and, at one time, the permission of all myfriends; to write to him.*
* See Vol. I. Letter III.
Yet, as to this correspondence, What hurt could arise from it, if yourmother could be prevailed upon to permit it to be continued?--So muchprudence and discretion as you have; and you, in writing to me, lyingunder no temptation of following so bad an example as I have set--myletters too occasionally filled with self-accusation.
I thank you, my dear, most cordially I thank you, for your kind offers.You may be assured, that I will sooner be beholden to you, than to anybody living. To Mr. Lovelace the last. Do not therefore think, thatby declining your favours, I have an intention to lay myself underobligations to him.
I am willing to hope (notwithstanding what you write) that my friendswill send me my little money, together with my clothes. They are tooconsiderate, some of them at least, to permit that I should be put tosuch low difficulties. Perhaps, they will not be in haste to oblige me.But, if not, I cannot yet want. I believe you think, I must not disputewith Mr. Lovelace the expenses of the road and lodgings, till I can geta fixed abode. But I hope soon to put an end even to those small sort ofobligations.
Small hopes indeed of a reconciliation from your account of my uncle'svisit to your mother, in order to set her against an almost friendlesscreature whom once he loved! But is it not my duty to try for it?Ought I to widen my error by obstinacy and resentment, because of theirresentment; which must appear reasonable to them, as they suppose myflight premeditated; and as they are made to believe, that I am capableof triumphing in it, and over them, with the man they hate? When I havedone all in my power to restore myself to their favour, I shall have theless to reproach myself with.
These considerations make me waver about following your advice, inrelation to marriage; and the rather, as he is so full of complaisancewith regard to my former conditions, which he calls my injunctions.Nor can I now, that my friends, as you inform me, have so strenuouslydeclared against accepting of the mediation of the ladies of Mr.Lovelace's family, put myself into their protection, unless I amresolved to give up all hopes of a reconciliation with my own.
Yet if any happy introduction could be thought of to effect thisdesirable purpose, how shall terms be proposed to my father, whilethis man is with me, or near me? On the other hand, should they in hisabsence get me back by force, (and this, you are of opinion, they wouldattempt to do, but in fear of him,) how will their severest acts ofcompulsion be justified by my flight from them!--Mean while, to whatcensures, as you remind me, do I expose myself, while he and I aretogether and unmarried!--Yet [can I with patience ask the question?] Isit in my power?--O my dear Miss Howe! And am I so reduced, as that, tosave the poor remains of my reputation in the world's eye, I must watchthe gracious motion from this man's lips?
Were my cousin Morden in England, all might still perhaps be determinedhappily.
If no other mediation than this can be procured to set on foot thewished-for reconciliation, and if my situation with Mr. Lovelace alternot in the interim, I must endeavour to keep myself in a state ofindependence till he arrive, that I may be at liberty to govern myselfby his advice and direction.
I will acquaint you, as you desire, with all that passes betweenMr. Lovelace and me. Hitherto I have not discovered any thing in hisbehaviour that is very exceptionable. Yet I cannot say, that I thinkthe respect he shews me, an easy, unrestrained, and natural respect,although I can hardly tell where the fault is.
But he has doubtless an arrogant and encroaching spirit. Nor is heso polite as his education, and other advantages, might have made oneexpect him to be. He seems, in short, to be one, who has always had toomuch of his own will to study to accommodate himself to that of others.
As to the placing of some confidence in him, I shall be as ready to takeyour advice in this particular, as in all others, and as he will beto deserve it. But tricked away as I was by him, not only against myjudgment, but my inclination, can he, or any body, expect, that I shouldimmediately treat him with complaisance, as if I acknowledged obligationto him for carrying me away?--If I did, must he not either think me avile dissembler before he gained that point, or afterwards?
Indeed, indeed, my dear, I could tear my hair, on reconsidering what youwrite (as to the probability that the dreaded Wednesday was more dreadedthan it needed to be) to think, that I should be thus tricked by thisman; and that, in all likelihood, through his vile agent Joseph Leman.So premeditated and elaborate a wickedness as it must be!--Must Inot, with such a man, be wanting to myself, if I were not jealous andvigilant?--Yet what a life to live for a spirit so open, and naturallyso unsuspicious, as mine?
I am obliged to Mr. Hickman for the assistance he is so kindly ready togive to our correspondence. He is so little likely to make to himself anadditional merit with the daughter upon it, that I shall be very sorry,if he risk any thing with the mother by it.
I am now in a state of obligation: so must rest satisfied with whateverI cannot help. Whom have I the power, once so precious to me, ofobliging?--What I mean, my dear, is, that I ought, perhaps, toexpect, that my influences over you are weakened by my indiscretion.Nevertheless, I will not, if I can help it, desert myself, nor give upthe privilege you used to allow me, of telling you what I think of suchparts of your conduct as I may not approve.
You must permit me therefore, severe as your mother is against anundesigning offender, to say that I think your liveliness to herinexcusable--to pass over, for this time, what nevertheless concerns menot a little, the free treatment you almost indiscriminately give to myrelations.
If you will not, for your duty's sake, forbear your tauntings andimpatience, let me beseech you, that you will for mine.--Sinceotherwise, your mother may apprehend that my example, like a leaven, isworking itself into the mind of her beloved daughter. And may not suchan apprehension give her an irreconcilable displeasure against me?
I enclose the copy of my letter to my sister, which you are desirous tosee. You will observe, that although I have not demanded my estate inform, and of my trustees, yet that I have hinted at leave to retire toit. How joyfully would I keep my word, if they would accept of the offerI renew!--It was not proper, I believe you will think, on many accounts,to own that I was carried off against my inclination. I am, my dearestfriend,
Your ever obliged and affectionate, CL. HARLOWE.