Water was running in the shower and Ryder was in the process of taking off his shirt when I walked in.
I swallowed hard. His abs flexed as he dropped his shirt on the floor. The ink on his body was beautiful, there was no other way to describe it. The black designs swirled and disappeared below his wickedly, low–riding jeans. I wanted to reach out and touch them, find out how far down they went. I crossed my arms over my chest instead.
He put his hands on his hips, unaware of the effect his bare chest had on me.
“What?” he asked, impatiently.
I took a step into the small bathroom and leaned my hip against the counter. Steam filled the room, fogging the mirror and swirling around us.
“What do you mean ’things are getting weird’?”
He sighed. “Just forget I said anything.”
“No. We need to talk about it.”
“We are NOT going to talk about this now. I’ve had too much to drink.”
“We ARE talking about it!” I argued, putting my hands on my hips. “We’re friends, Ryder, we need to get whatever this is out in the open and deal with it.”
He rubbed a hand over his face in frustration. “I can’t. There are some things even friends shouldn’t talk about.”
“Like what?” I asked, annoyed. “Maybe your wonderful attitude?”
“Don’t push me, Maddie,” he warned in a low voice.
“Then talk to me!” I shouted, livid.
He stepped closer, crowding me. “You want to talk? Fine, we’ll talk!”
I saw the fire burning in his eyes. I saw the tension in his body. What I didn’t see were his next words coming.
“I want you, Maddie. I want to fuck you. I want you beneath me in bed.”
What?
“You happy now? Got the information you wanted?” He scoffed, disgusted. “Hell, you’re not even my type! And you’re a goddamn virgin!” His voice dropped, the anger disappearing. “I know it’s wrong but I want you, Maddie.”
I was speechless. Say something, my inner voice shouted. Tell him you want him too!
Placing his hands on either side of me, he trapped me against the bathroom counter. “Years, Maddie," he said, huskily. "I’ve wanted you for years.”
His lips slammed down on mine.
Shock had me frozen for a second before his mouth demanded a response. When he forced my lips open, I relented. His tongue ran lightly over my lower lip before delving into my mouth, tasting me. His hands grabbed my hips, gripping me with need. Heat traveled down my body to pool somewhere private, somewhere intimate.
My hands had a mind of their own as they lightly touched his stomach, finding rigid muscles beneath my fingertips.
Without breaking the kiss, he lifted me to sit on the bathroom counter. Nudging my legs apart, he moved between them. His hands left my hips to tangle in my hair, holding my head steady as his teeth gently nipped at my bottom lip. His kiss matched his personality — wild with no holds barred, demanding and taking what he wanted.
His lips moved over to graze my ear. “I want to be inside of you, Maddie,” he said in a whisper. “Let me be the first.”
I closed my eyes at the tingle his words sent through me. The softness of his jeans against my bare thighs made thinking impossible.
“Forget the party. Forget Ben. Stay with me.”
His mouth took control of mine again, his tongue teasing and tormenting.
In the back of my mind, I knew this wasn’t right. I loved Ryder. I really did. I couldn’t live without him. He made me feel things I’ve never felt before. But this was wrong even if it did feel so right.
It was impossible to think with his lips hot and full on mine. But when his hands slipped beneath my shirt to glide over my bare stomach, I knew I couldn’t do this.
Using both hands, I pushed him away, breaking our kiss and separating us by inches. We were both breathing hard, staring at each other with hunger.
“This is wrong,” I whispered.
"Does it feel wrong?" he asked huskily, moving between my legs again. His hand eased under my hair, caressing the back of my neck.
“No, but we can’t do this,” I said, breathlessly. It would be so easy to give into my feelings and pull him to my bedroom. To give him what he wanted.
“One time, that’s all I’m asking for," he said in a raspy voice, brushing his lips against mine. "No one has to know. It will be between us. Our secret.” He trailed his lips down to my jawline while his hands cradled my head gently.
I closed my eyes, his lips hot against me, his frank words ringing in my ears. One time? Was I just another girl he was trying to score with? I couldn’t be that kind of woman even if I wanted him.
I needed more.
I put more strength behind my push this time, shoving him far away from me. He hit the bathroom wall with force, stunning him. Before he could touch me again, I jumped off the bathroom counter and ran to my room. Slamming the door behind me, I slumped against the wall.
My heart was pounding wildly. The air was rushing in and out of my lungs quickly. I felt exhilaration and worry at the same time.
Ryder. Kissed. Me.
The scary thing was I wanted him. I wanted him in my bedroom. I wanted him to be my first. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t want my best friend this much.
“Open the door, Maddie,” his deep voice said sternly from the other side.
I stared at the door, afraid he would open it. Afraid of what I would do if he did.
“Go away, Ryder!”
“I want to talk to you. Open up,” he said, low and calm. "Now."
“No!”
It grew quiet. Thinking he left, I lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I needed to get my head on straight. Eva was right. Ryder was a player, the worst kind. I refused to be added to his collection of women, no matter what my body wanted.
I suddenly grew angry. How dare he treat me like another one of his floozies! Me, the girl who knew him better than anyone else! The girl that was always there for him no matter what stupid things he did or said. He couldn’t scare me away or ruin our friendship, damn it! Determined not to hide from him, I pushed off the bed and yanked open the bedroom door.
He was leaning against the wall, staring at me solemnly. I started to walk around him when he reached out to grab my arm.
“Wait, Maddie.”
I moved out of his reach and walked quickly to the kitchen. Jerking open a cabinet door, I took down a coffee mug and slammed it on the counter. I heard him walk in but I refused to look up.
“Talk to me,” he demanded in a low voice.
I filled up the coffee pot and measured out a heaping portion of coffee. After pushing the on button harder than was necessary, I finally turned to face him. I tried not to let my eyes stray down to his bare chest or the jeans slung suggestively low on his hips. It was bad enough staring into his heated blue eyes. The thought just made me angry.
“You’re going to drink this pot of coffee and sober up. I’m going to the frat party. Alone.” I turned to leave when he grasped my upper arm, stopping me.
“Don’t touch me, Ryder. Don’t you dare touch me ever again.”
When he let go of my arm, I walked away. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Chapter Five
For hours, I remained at a local coffee shop. I couldn’t be in the same house with him. I was too afraid of what I wanted. So I caught up on emails and cruised the Internet. I was tempted to call Eva at work and cry on her shoulder but instead, I checked in with my dad and tried to keep my mind off of Ryder.
It was early evening when I finally headed home. Rain fell softly, making the streets slippery and the heat all that much more oppressive. I should have been paying more attention to driving in the rain but there was only one thing on my mind — who waited for me at home.
My nervousness shot up a notch at the thought of facing Ryder. I knew if he touched me, I would be lost. And despite the fact that I lov
ed him, one night in his bed would never work. I just wasn’t that type of girl.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to face Ben either but I had to if I wanted our relationship to work. But did I want it to work? I wasn’t sure anymore.
By the time I made it home, I decided to be truthful with both of them. We were all adults. We could handle it. Taking a deep breath, I opened the apartment door.
Ryder was sitting on the couch, holding a cup of coffee. He didn’t try to talk to me. In fact, he didn’t even look at me. It kind of hurt.
I somehow managed to walk past him without falling apart. In my room, I changed into a short black skirt and a dark red blouse with matching heels.
Back in the living room, I tossed my keys on the couch beside him. He gave me a questioning look.
“Just in case you need to go somewhere you can use my car. I’ve got a ride to the party. Just make sure you’re sober if you drive,” I said.
“Maddie, listen to me…”
I turned to leave. I couldn’t talk to him right now. I didn’t trust myself around him. I shut the front door quietly behind me, not wanting to go. Each step I took away from him caused an ache in my chest, a yearning to stay.
Through the rain, I spotted Elizabeth’s car parked next to my small Honda. The rain made walking in heels a challenge but I was intent on leaving.
“Hey, Maddie,” Elizabeth said as I climbed into her BMW. She was a fellow student and a friend of mine, thanks to a semester of tutoring her in chemistry.
“Thanks for the ride. I didn’t want to leave my friend without a car tonight,” I said.
“No problem. I saw Ben earlier today at the campus gym."
"Oh, really?" I murmured.
"Yeah. He said he felt really bad not driving you tonight but he said that you understood, with his responsibilities and all."
I nodded but didn’t feel the need to respond. Ben took his fraternity very seriously. He was working on his master’s degree in finance, had a summer internship at a large accounting firm, and was president of his fraternity. He had so much going for him. He was successful. He wanted a family. He wanted me, only me.
But he wasn’t Ryder.
I watched the windshield wipers try to keep up with the falling rain. The radio played some latest, greatest pop song. Every few minutes, Elizabeth would try to strike up a conversation but she gave up when I only responded with one–word answers.
Through the windshield, I watched the houses and businesses fly by and tried not to think about Ryder. My body still burned from his lips and hands. His words still rang in my ears; ’I want you, Maddie. I want to fuck you.’ How would I ever be able to forget them? But I had to. There was no other option.
Soon we were pulling into a crowded parking lot. The frat house sat in front of us, white with enormous pillars. Huge, imposing Greek letters were proudly displayed above the door. Loud, bass–filled music echoed from inside, hitting me like a force when we walked through the front door.
People were crammed inside, making the once regal home come alive with energy. Laughter and yelling competed with the mind–numbing sounds of techno music. Everyone who was anyone seemed to be here.
I pushed my way through the frat boys and sorority girls to a large room complete with a pool table, old–school video games, and a foosball table. Right away, I spotted Ben playing pool with some other frat brothers. When he saw me standing in the doorway, he motioned me over.
“Hi, sweetheart. Wow, you look good,” he said, leaning over to kiss me.
It was a light kiss. Simple. Nothing like Ryder’s scorching one. Dammit, why did I have to think of him all the time?
“Come on, Ben, get in the game,” one of the other players said, annoyed.
“I’m out, boys,” Ben answered, laying his cue stick on the table. He put his hand on the small of my back and guided me out of the room.
“Do you want a drink?” he asked as we maneuvered our way through the crowd.
“Sure,” I answered. Maybe a little alcohol would help me relax and not think of Ryder every single second of the every single day.
Ben led me to the kitchen where tequila, vodka, and other various bottles crowded the countertop. Empty pizza boxes and half empty potato chip bags competed for space with the makeshift bar. The room was packed with people but Ben pushed his way in.
“What would you like? We have beer, margaritas, the hard stuff, or I can make you a mixed drink.”
I wasn’t exactly an expert on drinks so I went with something girlie. “How about something fruity?”
He grinned. “Coming right up!”
I watched him pour juice into a red plastic cup. Next, he added a shot of something clear.
“Here you go, sweetheart.”
A silly grin was on his face, making me wonder how much he already had to drink. Being drunk went against Ben’s golden boy façade so seeing him toasted was something new for me.
Unlike Ben, Ryder was notorious for his drinking. Before I left for college, I woke up many nights with him outside my bedroom window, hammered. He spent most of those nights passed out on our couch, sleeping it off until the next day. Ben was opposite. He was always in control, never deviating from his stellar reputation. I was definitely seeing a new side to him tonight but for some reason, I felt uncomfortable with it.
I forced the unease out of my mind and followed Ben, now with a fruity drink in my hand.
In the main room, the furniture had been pushed back against the wall, leaving more room for dancing. The chairs and sofas were still full of couples and wannabe couples, clinging to each other and trying to take things to the next level.
Ben led me into the middle of the crowd and swung me into his arms. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said, holding me close.
I forced a smile. He looked really nice in his dark jeans and gray fraternity shirt. All the girls liked him and the boys admired him. So why couldn’t I be head–over–heels in love with him? Why couldn’t he make me feel like Ryder did?
~~~~
I lost count of the number of drinks I had. Ben kept refilling my cup, never leaving it empty. The alcohol didn’t help me forget about Ryder but I was having a good time anyway.
I was dancing with Ben to the pounding bass when Eva finally arrived.
“I’ve missed you!” I said, throwing my arms around her and almost toppling her over.
She pulled away, scrutinizing me and frowning. “Have you been drinking, Maddie?”
A giggle burst from me. She didn’t look too happy, which was ironic because she was always telling me to loosen up.
“Just a little tipsy,” I answered, sweetly.
She rolled her eyes and faced Ben. “What the hell are you doing, Ben? She’s drunk.”
“Relax, Eva. She’s fine. I’m not letting her out of my sight,” he said, irritated.
I giggled again as Ben and Eva stared each other down. They looked made for each other. Blonde, tall, tan, and picture–perfect. They were like two Greek gods. And here I was – short, skinny, with dark hair and pale skin. A mortal among Gods.
In a show of ownership, Ben wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I wanted to resist but my legs felt like rubber.
“You never drink, Maddie. Take it easy on those things,” Eva said, pointing to the drink in my hand. I tried to focus on her face but the room tilted around me.
Ben leaned down to whisper something in my ear but I edged away. He smirked and pulled me close again, this time leaning over for a kiss. I turned my face away just in time, avoiding his lips.
Ben might be beside me but I was still thinking of Ryder. The alcohol wasn’t erasing the memory of him standing between my legs or pushed up against me in the bathroom. I wanted to be with him now, not Ben.
Eva grabbed my hand, rescuing me from my terrible thoughts. “Let’s go to the bathroom, Maddie.” That was her code for ‘we needed to talk.’ I followed her obediently, stumbling along the way and bumping into a few pe
ople.
“No more drinking,” she said, shutting the bathroom door behind us.
Maybe that was a good idea. The room was spinning so quickly that I had to sit down on the closed toilet lid before I fell down.
“I’m okay, Eva. I don’t need a babysitter,” I said around a loud hiccup.
Eva raised one eyebrow. “You sure about that?”
“Don’t start!” I hiccuped again. “I’ve had an awful day so I decided to have a few drinks. No big deal.”
“Yeah? Well, Ryder looked like he had a shitty day too. You know anything about that?”
I debated whether I should tell her or not. The alcohol seemed to make it hard to keep quiet.
“He told me he wanted to sleep with me.”
Eva’s mouth dropped open in shock. “He said that?”
“Well, those weren’t his exact words, but yeah, that’s what he said,” I answered, covering my eyes against the spinning bathroom.
“And what happened? What did you say?”
“Nothing happened, Eva! He’s my friend. We can’t do stuff like that!”
“What about the friends–with–benefits thing?”
“Isn’t happening! I’m waiting on the right person to fall into bed with,” I said, trying to focus on her face.
She kneeled down in front of me. “Maybe he is the right person, Maddie. You two are very close and you’ve known him forever.” She thought for a second. “Plus, he’s smoking hot.”
She had a point. He was extremely dreamy.
“I knew it!” she squealed when she saw my face. “You do like him! So what are you going to do?”
I frowned as I tried to stay upright. Losing my virginity to Ryder wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It had lots of appeal. He obviously knew what he was doing and if that kiss was any indication, sex with him would be…amazing. Then there was the fact that he knew me like no one else did. He knew all my secrets. I knew all his. When I was around him, I was happy, complete. But to him, I was only his friend. That’s what I’d always be.
“I’m going to do nothing.”
Before she could question me again, I made it to my feet and escaped. I couldn’t talk about Ryder. I couldn’t think about him. If I did, I might race back home to pick up where we left off.