“You’re not allowed to go on the deep side. Where was your mom?”
“Her was there, I had to get out. I just wanted to see how that rope kept the deep water from getting to the low water.” Sam sat up and pushed me off him and we both laughed. God I loved that kid. Sam corrected her English, and continued without missing a beat. He was so good with her.
“Sam, you know I can’t ever have a baby.”
“Yeah, do you want one?”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t give you one. I’m only asking, because you need to know that. You need to know that if you plan on being with me, I’m never going to give you another child.”
“Savannah is more than enough for me. Between the two of you, I’m sure I’ll stay plenty busy.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means, keeping you entertained is almost as bad as keeping my six-year-old entertained, but before you go getting all defensive on me, know that I LOVE entertaining you. I just hope I can keep up.”
“I’ll let you stick a vibrator up my ass on those days,” I teased.
“Dammit. Why do you have to stay stuff like that? I just got him calmed down. Now look what you did,” he accused, showing me the protrusion in his shorts. Round two…
Baylortown wasn’t a city at all. I’m not sure what it was. More like a ghost town. Sierra was already gone by the time we arrived just after six. Savannah was with Sam’s mom and step dad and we met them at a local pizza shop by a newer shopping center.
Savannah was standing on a chair, playing a video game with Mike when we entered. I hated this feeling. I knew Mike and Rita knew I was married. I hated what she thought about me and what I was doing with her son.
Sam let go of my hand and grabbed his little girl from behind. Savannah squealed, jumping into his arms, until she realized he made her lose, then she was mad. Rita smiled and waved me to the table where she sat alone. Oh boy…
“Hi, how was your trip?” she giddily talked. Maybe she didn’t hate me, either that or she was a very good actress.
“It was the longest trip in the entire world,” I admitted, sitting down. I really didn’t want to sit. It felt good to stand and stretch my legs.
“But you always create so many fond memories on road trips,” she explained. You can’t do that, staring down at clouds.”
Hmmm. I never thought about it like that. “I guess I would have to agree with that.”
Rita and Mike didn’t let me feel out of place, or like the outsider. They invited us to supper, and Rita invited Savannah and I over to help with a garage sale. A what? I mean I knew what a garage sale was, but wasn’t that for poor welfare people? They may not have been as rich as me, but they lived comfortable. I was sure of that.
“Yeah, cause we have to sale my baby toys,” Savannah explained. She wasn’t a baby anymore. She was a first-grader. I smiled agreeing that she was too old for baby toys. I loved the way she warmed up to me, and I wasn’t even caught off guard when she just plopped her little butt on my lap unannounced. She wanted to see my necklace. I showed her the blue moon her daddy bought for me and then smiled at Sam when he lied, telling her I bought her one, too.
She wouldn’t let it go. She wanted it right this second. Sam ended up running out to the truck so she could proudly wear her blue moon necklace just like mine. I was in love. I may have loved her more than Sam.
We were finished with our pizza, getting ready to leave when Rita had to go and ask about my family. I hated this conversation, but didn’t want to come off as the condescending bitch that I was trying to run from. I answered her questions with Sam paying close attention. He hadn’t asked about the things she was asking. He knew how sensitive I was to it, but was no doubt interested.
“My father was in a wheelchair since right before I turned thirteen.”
“Oh that must have been hard for you. Was it from an accident?”
“Yes, we all were. My stepmother, my two sisters, and I were on our way to a resort for a vacation.”
“Kendra, that’s horrible. Was everyone else okay?”
“My stepmother and middle sister died right away. My other sister Paris is doing well. She is going to school to be a pharmacist,” I explained as if I talked to her every day. Thank heavens for little Savannah. She informed me from my lap that her mommy was a farm mist, too. I laughed, pretending I didn’t already know that, and caught the glance from Sam to his mom, wanting her to drop it. She did, and I was off the hook of telling my life story to Sam’s mom.
It was official. I freaking loved his family. Rita kissed and hugged Savannah like she was the apple of her eye. She’d treated all her grandchildren like that when I had met her the first time on the boat. She had more than enough love for all them. Adriana used to tell me there wasn’t enough love and attention for me. It was for her girls. It was no wonder I couldn’t say I love you. I didn’t feel worthy of it.
I was confused again when we went back the way we’d come, driving through the town that was mostly quiet and abandoned. “What are we doing here?” I asked when Sam pulled us to the curb of a boarded up storefront.
“I live here.”
“You live in a store?”
“No, it hasn’t been a store for a good many years. Let’s unload. I want to show you something.”
I guess I was a little speechless. Sam lived in an old store? No wonder he agreed to be my Dom for money. I felt like a piece of shit. Sam unlocked the glass door, and I stepped in. The front was dark and old like.
“You sleep here?” I asked, looking around as Savannah flipped on a light.
“No, silly. We play here. We sleep upstairs. You want to go see?” she asked, running to an elevator.
“No, let’s go show her what we did at Manny’s first.”
“Manny’s?” I asked.
Sam kissed me, and I could tell he was excited about something. I just didn’t know what. “Manny used to run the only hardware store around here.”
“Where is Manny now?” I asked, not understanding.
“He’s still around. He just couldn’t afford to keep the store open anymore. All of these stores are gone,” Sam explained, taking Savannah’s hand and mine. Stepping back out to the sidewalk, Savannah ran ahead of us. It was still daylight but night was falling fast and the sun had long disappeared for the day.
“This right here, it used to be the busiest store in town. Everyone did their Christmas shopping here.”
“What happened to it?” I asked, walking hand in hand with Sam.
“The same thing that happened to Manny’s Hardware. Lowes, Wal-Mart, shopping centers, we sold our souls for cheap socks and underwear.” I never thought about it like that. It was sort of sad. My ghost town theory wasn’t so far off.
Savannah stopped at a store on the corner and sat on the stoop, waiting for us to catch up. The store was old but new. The brick front had been refinished and I could tell that the windows and trim were newer than its neighboring, connected building.
“I can do it, Dad,” Savannah offered, taking the keys from his hand. “It’s this one right?” she asked. Sam moved the key down and showed her the correct one. I had no idea what I was about to walk into, but it wasn’t that. I think I may have even gasped.
“What is this, Sam?”
“What does it look like?” he teased.
I let go of his hand and walked around the amazing store, refurbished into a beautiful home. The front half was an open floor plan with a living room, dining room, and a stunning kitchen. Olivia would love that kitchen. The gray slate tile led to a white marble floor that flowed to three bedrooms and a bathroom, not just any old bedrooms and bathroom, they were amazing, and the old brick accent walls were a designing genius. I was in love.
“You did this?”
“I helped, too,” Savannah assured me.
“Yes, this is why I work the summer jobs in Malibu for Uncle Fat. I spend my winters remolding the abandoned history into som
ething extraordinary that people want.”
“Does this one belong to someone?”
“Yes, the local dentist. I’m just not finished yet. My funds are maxed out, until I come back in a couple weeks with my summer paycheck.”
“It looks finished to me,” I said astounded at what I saw. Sam took me upstairs one floor and showed me what wasn’t finished. The dentist wanted the upstairs to be a place to get away. The front of the room was sectioned off with a glass wall and a light filled office. The rest was open and unfinished. There would be a bar, a movie screen, a piano, and a pool table when he was done. I knew right that second, I was paying Sam like I had agreed. Sam was really doing something here. It was truly amazing.
We walked and talked about the different buildings, going four blocks on Main Street. Most of them had closed up shop years ago, and it bothered Sam. He didn’t want to let his town die. He told me about the coffee shop and the bookstore that he’d remodeled and they were both doing well. He explained his plan of converting the whole street into condos, hoping to bring back some life to the once alive town.
Sam’s store/home was no different. I loved it. He wasn’t going to use his downstairs as living quarters. He wanted to leave it wide open, put a basketball hoop up and do nothing but play there. Savannah wanted a mirror and a dance pole, he explained, but she set him straight on that. She didn’t want that anymore. She wanted a trampoline instead. Sam laughed and agreed to a trampoline. He was a bigger kid than she was.
Sam read Savannah a bedtime story in her little girl’s dream bedroom while I bathed in his jet stream tub. The jets felt amazing on my sore, traveling muscles. I think I may have even dozed off when Sam joined me.
“That didn’t take long,” I alleged, watching Sam undress.
“She was out before I got halfway in.”
I moved up and he slid behind me. Hmm, I loved being in his arms like this. Our naked bodies molded together like they were meant to be that way. Closing my eyes, I took in a deep, relaxed, happy breath.
“I want to know what happened.” Sam stated, and my eyes opened. My relaxed state was gone. I knew what he was asking. I just didn’t want to talk about it. The little bit of information I had given his mom was more than I had ever told anyone—ever.
“What do you want to know?”
“How it happened?”
“We were in a wreck. We hit a semi-truck head on.”
“You said you didn’t live with your dad since you were twelve.”
“I didn’t, well, I was almost thirteen. I would have celebrated my first teen year on that vacation.”
“Where did you live?”
“I was sent away to an all-girls boarding school in PA.”
“Who took care of your dad?”
“He had to go to a nursing home. His mind was sharp as ever but his body was finished. He was a quadriplegic. He could move his right arm a little, but that’s it.”
“What happened to you?”
“Not much. I was thrown from the car on impact. I had a few stitches and broke my wrist. That’s it.”
“Your stepmother died?”
“Yup?”
“And one of your sisters?”
“Yup.”
“You don’t talk to the other one?”
“No, I haven’t since the accident. She was only six. She was okay, mostly cuts and bruises. Her other family took her.”
“Her mom’s side?”
“I guess. I never saw her again after that.”
“How did you know what she was doing now?”
“I friended her with a fake Facebook account a while back.”
“Don’t you want to see her?” Sam asked, kissing the top of my head.
“No.”
“Why do I get the feeling there’s more to this story than what you’re telling me?” Sam questioned.
“Because there is. And you should leave it at that. You don’t want to hear the gruesome details.”
“I do, Kendra. I really think you getting this stuff off your chest will help you. You told me yourself you felt lighter after telling me the things that Adriana did to you.”
I sat up and spun in the tub. Placing my legs over Sam’s, he held my hands, and that’s what I focused my eyes on. “Sam, I can’t tell you that stuff. You won’t feel the same way about me if I do.”
Sam made me look at him, kissing my lips with the softest, sweetest kiss ever. “Nothing is going to change the way I feel about you. I promise. Tell me.”
I took a deep breath and debated, briefly. Sam had a way of making me tell him every deep dark secret I had. I looked back to my hands in his. I had to. I couldn’t say any of this and look at him at the same time. “It was a convention for my dad’s work. A bunch of people would be there. The convention was at a resort on the coast in New York. I had been to them before. It was just a bunch of rich people, getting together to brag about how much money they had, but this time was different. I didn’t want to go. I was afraid to go.”
“Why?” Sam asked.
Taking another deep breath, I turned back around. It was easier that way. I couldn’t face him. “Adriana informed my father the night before we left that I was grounded, and she would take care of me in our room and the nanny would meet us there to take care of the girl’s activity.”
“Your dad was okay with that?”
“My dad went along with whatever she said.”
“Why were you grounded?”
“Who knows? I think that time was for pushing Paris down, calling Katie a sewer rat, pulling Adriana’s hair, I don’t know. I think she just made it up as she explained it to my dad that night.”
“Why were you afraid this time?”
“Because she came in and packed what I was going to wear that weekend. She sat on my bed with two shopping bags, boasting because she had bought me some things.”
Growing quiet, Sam had to keep asking question for it to come out. “What was in the bags?”
“Things. Things that girls my age didn’t know about. At least I didn’t.”
“Like what?”
“A black dog collar with spikes.”
“I’m sorry,” Sam said, kissing my shoulder, apologizing for his attempt to control me.
“Don’t be. There were other things, too. She had restraints to tie me up, and toys that she let me hold in my hand. I knew what the vibrating tools were for. She explained that I was a young lady now, and it was time she showed me how ladies are punished. She had nipple clamps, whips, blindfolds, and a whole line of devices she planned to use on me.
I was two days from being thirteen and her gift to me was a weekend of torture at her sick, twisted hands. When I went to bed that night, after my ritual, turn your head to the wall, ritual, she whispered in my ear and told me to dream about being tied up, pissing down my leg, and feeling the burns from the whip she was going to use on me while I was bound and gagged.”
“Kendra, I don’t even know what to say to that. I can’t imagine going through something like that, but don’t you ever think that is going to change the way I feel about you. I love you. I want to love you forever. None of that was your fault. She was the sick one, not you.”
“That’s not all.”
“What else, baby?” he asked, pulling me a little tighter.
“I killed her.”
I felt the life move from Sam in his tense body. “Were you driving?” he asked puzzled.
“No. My dad was. I was all the way in the back.”
“Kendra, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t kill her.”
“It is my fault. I wrecked us. I was awake the entire night, worried about what was going to happen to me. We were driving on a straight two-lane highway when she started telling my dad how much fun she was going to have alone with me. Her stone cold eyes, turned to look at me and she smiled. I don’t know what happened, Sam. I was in a different world, like it was me, but not really. I watched the semi-truck closing the distance between us. I
unbuckled my seatbelt and moved between Paris and Katie. I got on my knees between Adriana and my dad and waited.
Adriana looked down at me and asked what I was doing. I waited until the truck was closer and looked up to her with as much conviction as I could and said, ‘I’m going to kill you.’
At that very moment, I grabbed the wheel and steered us hard, right to the other lane. I don’t remember anything after that. I didn’t remember the crash at all. When I came to, I saw my dad being pulled from the burning car. I was on the other side of the road. At first, I just laid there, thinking I was dead, but then I rolled over, and crawled to Adriana. She was screaming from the passenger side, trapped. The semi-truck driver was the one who called for me to get away from the burning vehicle. I looked to the backseat to see Paris missing, and Katie, well, I’m sure she was dead.
The truck driver was the one who grabbed me, but not before I had the pleasure of seeing Adriana’s petrified face. She was screaming for me to help her. Her legs were on fire and the pain on her face was real.
“Told you,” I managed to say, before being pulled away. I’m sure it was only a few seconds before the SUV exploded. My eyes never left her screaming face. I don’t feel bad for it, Sam. I don’t,” I cried. Sam turned me and I fell into him. With my legs in a tight ball and his arms around me, I cried. I’m not sure why I cried. I guess because he was right, I needed to tell someone.
“Now do you feel different?”
“No. No, I don’t Kendra. Nobody should ever have to go through what you did. It still wasn’t your fault. You were protecting yourself, you didn’t plan it. You snapped. I would have snapped long before you did.”
“It was planned. I was going to blow the house up. I watched it on Crime Scene Investigation. It was premeditated,” I confessed.
“Shhh, it’s okay. You did the only thing you knew to do.”
“I didn’t think I was going to live, Sam,” I explained, looking up to him. I felt that was important for him to know. I was willing to die, too.