*****
“The sun is setting. Do you want to take a walk on the beach?” Ethan asks me as he takes off his shoes, socks, and tuxedo jacket.
“That’s an excellent idea.” Ethan and I have walked this beach many times with the children, but today it feels different because I guess I’m different. I’m not the same person I was before the accident. Ethan holds my hand as we walk along the waterline.
“Mom and Dad volunteered to stay with the kids for however long we want them to, and I think we need a good two weeks alone in a soft bed with no interruptions. It will be just you and me, with nothing between us.”
“This entire day feels like a dream Ethan. I’m sorry I didn’t share my dreams with you. I wanted to, but I was so afraid it was a fluke. I couldn’t do that to you when I wasn’t sure if what I had dreamed were in fact memories. Then, every night I had a different one. I knew something had happened to me, and I called Marilyn. She got a little technical with me talking about neurotransmitters and cortisol, but I understood what she said to me. I wrote all the dreams down in my journal. I also had a vision when I went shopping with Mom, and the fact that I had one when I was awake excited me. I guess it was only a matter of time before the wall broke and it all came flooding back to me. I never expected it to happen today of all days, but I am so grateful that it happened today.”
Ethan’s eyes fill with tears. I wish he would stop crying. “The worst is over for us, and now that I am myself again, we need to put this in the past. I know it is easier said than done, but I want my life back to where it was before the accident. Please Ethan, no more tears.” Ethan pulls me close to him, and I feel his body shake against mine.
“I need time honey. I’ve held this in for almost a year, and I can’t just shut it off. My mind is still processing what happened today. I never imagined in a million years that the day would end the way it did. I have you back my darling, and I want to lock myself in a room with you and devour every inch of your body, but first I want to enjoy the sunset with my beautiful wife.”
The day ends with Ethan and me holding hands as we watch the sun set over the ocean.
Ethan
It’s a little past midnight, and the last guests have left, leaving only my parents, brother, and kids in the tent. Kellie is sleeping on the floor, and Joey is talking to his mother. I’ve noticed throughout the night that my son is clinging to his mother, the way he did when he was a small child. Diane has her arm around his shoulder, and they are laughing. God, it’s so good to see them bonding again. My poor baby wore herself out early in the evening and crashed on the floor. My brother walks over to me and sits next to me.
“I have to say this was an exciting day, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, you could say that. Did you have a good time today? I noticed you were very cozy with Joan. Who is she?”
“Her name is Joan Randall, and I met her in the hospital a couple of months ago. She is the hospital’s pharmacist. I like her a lot, Ethan.”
“Wow, you’ve kept her a secret. Can I assume there is something between the two of you?”
“You could say that, yes. I’m falling in love with her, and it scares the shit out of me.”
Can this day get any better? I’ve waited a long time for my brother to have someone in his life, and now he tells me he’s falling in love! I slap my brother on the back and laugh. “Relax Jerry. You’ve put your career ahead of your personal life for a long time, too long if I'm honest with you. It’s time for you to be happy Jerry. Don’t be an ass and fuck up this relationship. You may not get a second chance at finding happiness.”
“And how do you expect me to fuck up?”
“You know how Jerry. You work way too many hours. You never take time for yourself. You work weekends and bring work home with you. You’re almost forty-six years old brother. It’s time to step back a little and have a life. I know it’s what you want Jerry; you can’t hide that from me.” Jerry doesn’t respond for several long seconds. I see him watching Diane and Joey.
“I never could fool you. You’re right; I want it badly Ethan. I want what you have with Diane. I always did, but my career consumed so much of my time, that I ignored my personal life. It’s not too late for me to have a family. Watching how you coped with everything has opened my eyes, Ethan. The way you took care of Diane and how you made sure the kids had your undivided attention touched me deeply. I love you Ethan, and I am so proud to be your brother.”
“I love you too Jerry, and if it were not for you, I wouldn’t be sitting here today. You saved my wife, and in turn, saved me. I know you broke protocol and hospital policy by operating on a family member. That decision put you in an awkward position.” Jerry looks at me with a shocked expression on his face. “Do you think I did not know the ramifications of your decision? I did, and the Board of Directors summoned me to their inner chamber the day after the surgery. They made it very clear to me that you were in deep shit for breaking hospital protocol. I told them that it was my decision, and I wanted you as her surgeon. They said if I signed a waiver exonerating the hospital from legal action should Diane’s condition worsen, they would leave you alone. I never told anyone what happened that day, and I never will. You risked everything to save Diane, and for as long as I live, I will never forget it.”
Jerry lowers his head and rubs his eyes. “I’d do it again Ethan. Diane is my sister, and I love her very much. Is that why I always had a shadow following me when I saw Diane?”
“Yeah, that was one of the stipulations of letting you continue as her primary care doctor. It’s all about the fucking reputation of the hospital. Diane is secondary in their minds. I was so pissed off that day, but I had so much on my mind that I signed what they wanted me to sign. I told them that if you did not remain her doctor, I would transfer Diane to another hospital. That got their attention. Imagine one of their doctors who doesn't trust the care they offer and moves his wife to another hospital. The scandal it would create forced them to capitulate.”
Jerry sighed and lowered his head again. “I need to do something else with my life. I need to slow down and enjoy myself.”
“Have you considered a teaching position?”
“I have, but I’ve been reluctant to make a move in that direction. Maybe now it’s time since I’ve met Joan. I’m tired, Ethan. I’ve worked non-stop for over twenty years. It’s time for me to slow down and get a life.”
I move closer to my brother and put my arm around him. “Do you realize that we’ve hardly done anything together as brothers in a very long time, and I mean a very long time. We’re not getting any younger Jerry, and after what my family has been through this past year, I’m considering pulling back on my hours. I’ve missed so much with Diane and the kids. I can’t go back in time to make it right, but I can control what happens now. I think I may start a private practice and ask Patti and Linda to come with me. Kellie will be a teenager soon, and once that happens, I’ll lose my baby. I want to spend time with her while she is still young enough to want to be around me!”
Jerry nods his head in agreement. “Wow, I never thought you would make that move, but I believe that it's an excellent idea. You have the experience to be an excellent GP. Talk to Dad before you make a move.”
“Yeah, and you talk to Dad about taking a teaching position.”
I glance over at Diane, and she is giving me that look. I think it’s time to start the honeymoon. After saying a quick goodbye to my family and children, we make a quick stop at my parent’s house to change clothes. It’s after one in the morning, and honestly, I am a little tired. Diane, however, is buzzing with excitement and I pray I can keep up with her. I’m sure once I have her naked in my arms, all thoughts of being tired will leave me.
Chapter Forty
Diane
Every nerve in my body is on fire. Since I’ve regained my memories, all I’ve thought about is making love to my husband. My mind has finally calmed somewhat since my sudden and unexpected swan div
e on the boardwalk. Ethan reaches out and links his fingers with mine, and the sexual zing shoots up my arm and settles between my legs. I miss him terribly. I miss the warmth of his body on top of mine. I miss the slow burn of him as he thrusts into my body and the way he stills above me and savors the feel of himself in me. I miss the slow thrust, the swirl of his tongue against mine. I miss…everything.
Now that I think about it, our kisses have not been the same, because I’ve not been the same. It just dawned on me that our relationship to this point has also been different. The way Ethan holds me at night is different. The way he looks at me and touches me is different. I need to talk to him about this, and I need to do this before we get to the hotel.
“Ethan, when we get to the hotel, I need to talk to you for a few minutes before we go in.” I feel his hand tense in mine. I don’t want him thinking something is wrong. I only want to clarify a few things in my mind. “Nothing is wrong Ethan. I only want to say a few things to you before we get out of the car.”
“Oh, okay. You had me a little worried.”
A few minutes later, we pull into the parking garage. Ethan finds a spot, turns off the ignition, and turns around in his seat to face me.
“What is it, honey? Is something worrying you?”
“No, I’m not worried. I just thought about something as we were driving and I need to tell you.” He’s frowning at me, and I want to kick myself because I’m not saying this the correct way. I sigh and shake my head. “It occurred to me as we were driving here that our relationship before today is different than before the accident. Now that I have my memories, I’ve been comparing what we had before to what we have now, and I see differences in the way we are together. For instance, you did not kiss me, or touch me in the same way you did before the accident. I’m not sure why that is, and I wanted to ask you about it. Please, before you answer me, I do realize that things were different between us because of my lack of memory. I can probably guess how you will answer me, but I want to hear it from you, Ethan. I want to hear how you felt about me when I had no memory of us.”
Ethan takes a very long time to answer my question. His brows furrow in concentration and I try my best not to squirm in my seat. It’s unfair of me to ask this now, but I want the air cleared before we go up to the room. Once I close that door, I want nothing to come between us. I want my life back, and after tonight, I will not talk about this again. Finally, Ethan speaks to me.
“I have treated you differently, and I’m sorry. I never wanted to rush you or put pressure on you to resume our sexual relationship if you were not ready to take the next step. Deep down, I think I was afraid to make love to you for fear it would be different. The fact that you noticed a difference in the way I am with you upsets me. I never wanted you to see that hesitation, but I guess I’m not that good at hiding it from you. I never fully grieved for what we had lost Diane, and by not doing so, I left the door open for hope, for some higher power to intervene and bring you back to me.”
“Every part of me missed you, Diane. At night, I lay in bed and cry for you, cry for what I lost, and cry for what may never be in the future. I promised myself to give you whatever time you needed to accept me, and maybe someday love me again. When you said you loved me in the whirlpool that night, a glimmer of hope warmed my heart. I longed for the caresses in the dark, for the kisses that I craved so much. I wanted to touch you, to give you pleasure, but I was so afraid to take the next step. When you agreed to marry me again, I finally felt hopeful for our future.”
“I was scared shitless when I saw you unconscious in my father’s arms. My mind flashed back to the surgery, and I was so afraid you had a heart attack, and then you opened your eyes, smiled at me, and called me snickerdoodle. I love you so much, Diane. I never knew just how much I love you until the thought of losing you hit me like a sledgehammer. This past year has been life-changing for all of us, and I want to open my eyes every day and see you staring back at me. I’ve been so lonely not having you to talk to every day. What made our life special is having that connection to the past, to be able to speak about it, laugh at the silly memories, and have a connection only the two of us shared with each other. When I lost that, I lost a piece of you. It wasn’t the same honey, and I tried so hard to put the past to bed and get on with our lives. I want today to be a new beginning for us.”
This is what I want to hear from Ethan. “I worried so much about not being able to live up to the memory you had of me before all of this happened to us. I want so much to forget this past year, but I can’t, and neither can you. I also want today to be the start of a new life for us. I want to spend time with you Ethan, quality time without the worries of work, what patient needs you in the middle of the night or anything else that pulls you away from me. I want to teach again. I want to laugh and act silly and argue with you. I want it all Ethan, and I want it with you.”
Ethan
We should have had this discussion in January, and all of this is my fault. I wish Diane told me sooner that she had doubts about how much I love her. I also wish I had the courage to face my doubts and to see that I projected those doubts and fears to her. Never again will Diane not feel how much I love her. Tonight, I will show her, not with words, but with my body. As soon as we walked into the lobby of the hotel, I felt the excitement surge through me. The receptionist recognized us from the previous summer.
“Mr. and Mrs. Miller, it is so nice to see you again and congratulations on the wedding. I assume you had a renewal ceremony?”
“Yes, we did,” Diane said jubilantly. “We’ve been married for twenty-four years, and thought it was time to renew our vows.” There is no need to tell her why.
“Well, congratulations, and we have your usual room ready for you.”
“Thank you, Mary. Is it possible to have room service deliver my order?”
“Your mother called to tell me you are on your way to the hotel. It’s already in your room.”
*****
As soon as I close the door and throw the suitcases onto the floor, I turn around and open my arms. Diane smiles as she walks into my embrace. God, I have missed her so much, I’ll never be able to express it fully. I only know I have her back in my arms where she belongs. Neither one of us says a word. We just stand in the middle of the room holding each other. Finally, I look down into her eyes, and I see her. I see my Diane, the woman that I fell in love with so many years ago. I see our history in her eyes. My hand shakes as I gently caress her beautiful face. “I’ve missed you so much, Diane.”
“I know Ethan, I know. I’ve had a few days to adjust to the sudden return of some of my memories. I was so afraid they would go away, and I’d be lost again. You looked so handsome standing under the pergola, and then it all came back to me. Our wedding day, the church, the flowers, all of it. I’m so happy Ethan.”
I laugh and hold her closer to me. “I don’t think happy is an adequate word for how I feel right now. Euphoric? Elated? Overjoyed? Ecstatic? I could go on, but I’d rather kiss my beautiful wife.”
When our lips meet, I’m taken back in time to our first kiss. Diane’s arms wrap around my neck, and she leans into me. Bliss is all I can think about as I intensify the kiss. Months of wanting what I couldn’t have flowed from me. This is what I want more than my next breath. My body reacts, and I take a step back. I don’t want to act like a beast. Yes, I want her more than I can say, but tonight is about reconnecting. I suddenly have a brilliant idea.
“I want you naked Diane. I want you naked and in the tub with me in five minutes. Don’t keep me waiting,” I say as I walk towards the bathroom. Diane’s eyes follow me, and I take one last look at her as I close the bathroom door. Now that I am alone, I take a deep breath and quickly undress. I turn on the faucet and fill the tub with water and some of the shit they have on the shelf. It is almost full when I hear the door open. Diane stands before me naked, sexy as hell, and all mine. I help Diane into the water, and I sit behind her. Diane leans into
me, and I hear her sigh with contentment.
I whisper in her ear. “Do you remember the last time we took a bath together?”
“Yes, I do. It was the day I came home from the hospital. You were so gentle and caring Ethan. I was so afraid that day, but you took that fear away from me. I’ll never forget how you took care of me.”
“I’ll always take care of you, honey.”
I reach over to the shelf for the washcloth, load it with liquid soap, and run it over Diane’s shoulders and back. The act is much more intimate this time because Diane reacts to my touch. I can no longer fight the tears and cry like a goddam baby. Diane turns around in the tub to face me.
“What’s wrong Ethan? Why are you crying?”
“I can’t help it, Diane. I remember that day and how terrified I was of losing you. Just when I think I’ve gotten it out of my system, a memory hits me, and I lose it. I’m having a hard time getting past the memories.”
“I don’t think we will ever forget Ethan, but I want us to be happy again. This is a new beginning for us, for our family. The point of therapy was to accept what happened and live with the memories. Please Ethan, no more tears. I’m so happy, and I want you to be happy also.”
“God, Diane. I am incredibly happy. You have no idea how over the moon happy I am right now. When I look at you, I can see the love you have for me. I can see the love you have for our children. Your eyes speak for you. It’s one of the things I missed most about you. I could always tell how you were feeling by the way you looked at me. I could also tell when you were pissed at me.”
“Oh really? How could you tell I was pissed at you?”
I laugh at her question. “Oh, no. I’m not giving away trade secrets. A guy needs a defense strategy.”
“Let’s finish bathing, and go to bed. I want you to hold me all night long in your arms while I sleep.”
“That sounds wonderful honey. There’s no place I’d rather be.”
Several minutes later, we are wrapped in warm, soft bathrobes. “Let’s go to bed. I have a surprise for you.”