“He wants to fix me up with his brother.”
“With Shaun?”
“Yeah, with Shaun. He introduced us the other week at a picnic. Do you know him?”
“Yeah, I know him.”
“And?
“And what?”
“Out with it. He’s so good looking and charming and”
“Harleigh, I just don’t know if he’s your type.”
“What do you mean?”
“I just… It’s just that… I just think you and Mike would be a much better match.”
* * *
Rose had come to see Shaun in the hospital.
But this was the first time she had come over to the apartment since I had brought him home.
Shaun was laying on the couch, watching soap operas — an addiction that began in the hospital.
She hugged me when I opened the door.
“Hey, Harleigh. How are you doing?”
“I’m doing good.”
“How’s the patient?”
“He’s good.”
“I’ll see for myself.”
She made her way over to the couch and kissed Shaun’s cheek.
“You’re looking a lot better than the last time I saw you.”
“Harleigh’s taking good care of me.”
I sat down beside him and held his hand.
“Well if you need anything, either of you, just ask me.”
“Rose, there is something you can do for me.” Shaun’s voice surprised us both.
Rose and I just looked at him.
“Take Harleigh out of here for a while. She’s here all the time. Go out to dinner or a movie or shopping. I know Harleigh loves to shop. Just make her have some fun.”
I couldn’t protest.
“Consider it done.”
* * *
Rose should have known I wasn’t going to rest until I found out why she liked the idea of Harleigh and Mike better than the idea of Harleigh and Shaun.
I called her the next night.
“So what is it, Rose?”
“What is what, Harleigh?”
“What is it about Shaun that’s so bad?”
“Nothing’s so bad.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s just that knowing what I know about you and knowing what I know about Mike and Shaun, I just don’t know if Shaun is the right kind of guy for you.”
“So what do you know?”
“Sweetie, you know I would do anything for you, but”
“But what?”
“It’s not my place to tell you these things.”
“Rose…”
“Look, Harleigh, I haven’t talked to or even seen Shaun in about a year. Maybe he’s changed.”
“Changed from what?”
* * *
Rose sat across from me at our favorite little Italian restaurant.
She had delivered just what Shaun had ordered: a movie, shopping, manicures, dinner.
“Thanks for everything today, Rose.”
“I think it was good for you. I think Shaun knew exactly what you needed.”
“Even when I’m taking care of him, he’s still trying to take care of me.”
“How are the two of you doing? Not you and him but the two of you together?”
That was a question I’d been asking myself a lot lately.
“I don’t know. I mean we talked about the fight.”
“And?”
“I don’t think that it’s an issue anymore.”
“So what is?”
“He thinks I just feel sorry for him. And I think he thinks I think that he’s not attractive or appealing anymore.”
“Do you?”
“Of course I do. He’s the same Shaun I fell in love with just a little beaten and battered and bruised and hobbled.”
“So what are you going to do about it?”
“Well, I’ve kind of been thinking about this since he was in the hospital.”
“What is it?”
“Rose, if he would have died, I would have died a virgin.”
She was trying not to laugh.
“Harleigh, slow down.”
“I want to make love to him. I’m ready to make love to him. He’s the only one.”
“Harleigh…”
“If we did, then he would know that I’m not going anywhere, that I still love him as much as I ever did.”
“Harleigh…”
“I think we’re ready. I think it would be good for us.”
“Harleigh…”
“What? You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
“The guy can’t even walk across the room without getting short of breath.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Oh, sweetie, your students know more about sex than you do.”
“Rose, this isn’t funny.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Uggghhh. Rose, help please.”
“OK, Harleigh, I am sure that Shaun is ready to make love to you. I’m pretty sure he’s been ready for the last three years.”
“Stop it.”
We were both laughing now.
“Shaun loves you, Harleigh. Being with you is going to be a lot different for him than it was with any of the other women he’s been with. And he’s gonna want it to be special for you. That’s a lot of pressure for him. I don’t know if he’s up to it yet.”
“Bad choice of words, Rose.”
“Get your mind out of the gutter. Do you understand what I mean?”
“I just thought maybe it would help.”
“Sweetie, sex isn’t ever the answer. Now just admit it. You just can’t resist him anymore.”
“Maybe.”
“Look at you lie.”
“I guess I can wait a little bit longer.”
“Cuddle, kiss him, fool around, do whatever it is you nonsexual people do. You want him to be able to enjoy it too — that might be rough when he can barely even move his one hand right now.”
“You’re so wise, Rose.”
“I try.”
* * *
“So Shaun told me about everything — the drugs, the drinking.”
Rose and I were doing some Saturday shopping.
“He did?”
“Yeah, he did.”
“Harleigh, I just didn’t think it was my place to”
“It’s OK. I understand.”
“So?”
“So, he’s been completely sober for almost a year now.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, he has. I don’t know much about this, Rose.”
“I know you don’t.”
“He promised me he was on the right track now.”
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
“Rose, I’ve never even been drunk.”
* * *
Shaun and Mike were watching a movie when I got home.
I saw him look as soon as I opened the door. Then he smiled.
I sat down beside him and kissed him kissed him — really kissed him.
I saw the look on his face.
“I love you, Shaun.”
Mike stood up.
“OK, I’m gonna leave you two kids alone.”
I rested my head on Shaun’s shoulder.
“You two behave yourselves. Just remember the doctor said no strenuous activity.”
Mike shut the door.
* * *
When I heard my doorbell ring, I didn’t expect to find Mike on the other side.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey, Mike. What’s going on?”
“I just wanted to… I just needed to talk to you about something.”
“Uh-oh. This sounds serious.”
“Shaun told me he told you the other night.”
“About the drinking and stuff?”
“Yeah, about that.”
“It’s really… I just didn’t… He never…”
“Harleigh,
he wasn’t trying to hide it from you.”
“I didn’t think he was.”
“He just didn’t know how to tell you.”
“It’s OK.”
“He kept asking me how he should tell you, what he should tell you. Harleigh, he doesn’t want to ruin what he has with you.”
“It’s not gonna change anything, Mike.”
“No, Harleigh. Trust me. It changes everything.”
“It’s not gonna change the way I feel about him.”
* * *
Mike, Shaun and I were driving back from one of Shaun’s physical therapy sessions.
“So, Mike…”
“So, Shaun…”
“About this Kristin…”
I didn’t say anything. I just grinned.
“What about her?”
“Well, you haven’t talked about her for a while. Are you still seeing her?”
“Yeah, I’m still seeing her.”
“So I still need to meet her then.”
“Why?”
“Well, how do you expect me to concentrate on my therapy and getting better when I’m worried about what kind of girl my brother’s dating?”
I laughed.
Mike looked at me.
“Don’t encourage him.”
“Sorry. Bad Shaun. Bad, bad Shaun.”
* * *
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey, what?”
“What is the absolute worst thing you’ve ever done?”
“Shaun, what are you talking about?”
“Come on. Out with it.”
“Out with what?”
“The worst thing you’ve ever done.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
“Because with all the shit I’ve done, I won’t so feel so imperfect if I know you have at least one small flaw in your character.”
“The worst thing I’ve ever done?”
“Yeah, you had to have done something scandalous at least once.”
“Hmmm.”
“Come on.”
“OK. I was a junior in high school, and I wanted to go out with one of Drew’s friends who was a junior in college, but Greg wouldn’t let me.”
“So you snuck out and came back with crazy hickeys and had to wear turtlenecks all week.”
“Noooo.”
“So?”
“So I was really mad at Greg, and I dipped his toothbrush in the toilet and then put it back in its little toothbrush holder.”
Shaun was laughing.
“Bad Harleigh. Bad, bad Harleigh.”
* * *
Shaun and I were watching a movie.
Mike had promised to bring Kristin over after their date.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“Do you think Mike’s holding her hand, kind of like this?”
“Maybe.”
“Do you think he’s kissing her like this?”
His lips barely touched mine.
“Maybe.”
“Or maybe he’s slipping her the tongue.”
“I’m not having this conversation with you about your brother and Kristin.”
He wrapped his arms around me.
“Or maybe he’s being super nasty and slipping her something else.”
“Shaun…”
“What?”
“I think you’re the one who’s super nasty.”
“Nope, just super horny.”
* * *
Rose and I were in the teachers’ lounge one day.
“What’s wrong, Harleigh?”
“Michael Smith told a joke today in class, and it just… it just really got me.”
“Are you gonna share?”
“Why is an unmarried woman called ‘Miss’?”
“Why?”
“Because she’s missing out on all the fun.”
Rose found it immensely funnier than I did.
“Stop it, Rose.”
“Sorry.”
Snicker. Snicker.
“So am I?”
“Are you what?”
“Missing out?”
“Harleigh, are you gonna let a kid who can’t even tie his own shoes make you question your beliefs?”
“Well, no. But…”
“But what?”
“But what if Shaun gets tired of missing out on the fun if you know what I mean?”
“Well, Harleigh, Shaun can have some fun on his own if you know what I mean.”
* * *
“Shaun, this is Kristin.” Mike was finally taking care of introductions.
“It’s nice to meet you, Kristin. They told me you were one of my nurses, but I don’t really remember you.”
“You were usually asleep when I was there. I work nights. That’s how I met Mike.”
“So you took care of me and my brother?”
“I guess so.”
“Somebody needs to take care of him.”
* * *
Mike had had the flu for almost an entire week.
He wouldn’t let Shaun or I help him.
“Mike is being so frustrating, Harleigh.”
“Hmmm.”
“He’s so Mr. Macho.”
“Mmmmm hmmmm.”
“He’s all sick and everything, but he’s gotta act all tough.”
“I can’t think of anyone else who does that when he’s sick.”
Shaun wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.
“Are you picking on me, Harleigh?”
“Never.”
“Do you know how many times he helped me when I was hurling in that toilet when I was completely trashed? Why won’t he let me take care of him now?”
“That was a mental image I didn’t need.”
* * *
We were lying in bed.
“So what did you think of Kristin? Will you be able to focus on your therapy now?”
“Hey, no making fun of me. She seemed nice. But it’s weird.”
“What’s weird?”
“That she took care of me.”
“Why?”
“Because I wasn’t exactly looking my best then. I mean I couldn’t even piss on my own. And…”
“And what?”
“And I’m sure Mike has had the talk with her.”
“What talk?”
“The talk. Shaun had a drug problem. Shaun was in rehab. Shaun was a drunk.”
I kissed his cheek.
“Past tense is better than present.”
* * *
In the beginning, there were times I wanted to ask Shaun about it.
Times I thought I should ask him about it.
Times I needed to ask him about it.
But I didn’t want to pry. So I asked Mike.
“Mike, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, why couldn’t you?”
“It’s about Shaun.”
“Shoot.”
“What are the limits?”
“What?”
“You know, what are my limits of what I can ask him about rehab and the drugs and the drinking and — uggghhh… just forget I asked.”
“Harleigh, listen. If you two are going to make this relationship work, there shouldn’t be any limits.”
“I wanna know, Mike. But at the same time, I don’t want to. Does that make any sense?”
“It makes perfect sense.”
“It’s hard for me to imagine Shaun any other way than how he is right now, and I think he kind of likes that I didn’t know that other Shaun.”
“I know he likes that, Harleigh. But if you ask him, he’ll tell you what you want to know. It’s not an easy talk to have, but you need to have it.”
“Do you two talk about it?
“Sometimes.”
“If you’re his brother and you two don’t really talk about it”
“Harleigh, I lived through it with him.”
* * *
&nbs
p; When I left for the laundry room, Shaun was sitting on the couch, watching his soap opera.
When I came back, the TV was off, and Shaun was rocking back and forth, holding his head in his hands.
I sat down beside him.
“Shaun…”
“Harleigh, make it stop.”
“Just relax.”
“It hurts so much.”
“I know. I know. Let me go get your medicine.”
“No.”
“Shaun…”
“I don’t want to be all drugged up.”
“It’s just going to make your headache go away.”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and Shaun’s pills.
“Here, swallow this. You’re gonna be fine.”
His eyes were closed in pain.
“Why won’t they stop, Harleigh? What’s wrong with me?”
* * *
We had gone out for ice cream after one of Shaun’s AA meetings.
“So there was this new guy there tonight, Harleigh.”
“Yeah?”
“Kinda reminded me of when I was first trying to get clean.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, but he hasn’t hit bottom yet.”
“Shaun, what? When? For you?”
“I would do anything to forget that day.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”
I felt him squeeze my hand.
“I didn’t have a job. Mike had kicked me out. I was drinking almost nonstop.”
“Shaun, you don’t have to tell me this.”
“I went out one night, and I woke up the next morning in an alley. I had no idea where I was or how I got there. My wallet was gone. All my money. My phone. My dad’s watch that I had worn every day since he died. Everything. And I had no clue where I was.”
“What happened?”
“I was so scared, Harleigh, so scared.”
“You don’t have to tell me this.”
“The only thing I could remember was this toll-free number at Mike’s work. God, Harleigh, I was so fucked up and I was so scared. And Mike’s secretary wouldn’t put me through.”
“Why?”
“Mike was done with me. I’d messed up too many times. When he finally got on the phone, I just kept telling him, ‘Mike, I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where I am.’ I knew then there was something so wrong with me and what I was doing to myself.”
“Shaun…”
“Have I scared you off yet?”
“Never.”
* * *
I went up to Mike’s place that night.
“Hey, Harleigh. I was just getting ready to come down. Is Shaun OK?”
“Yeah, he had another headache today, but he’s doing better now.”
“Was it a bad one?”
I nodded.
“Mike, I have to go back to school in two weeks.”
“I’ve been thinking about that.”
“What are we supposed to do?”
“I was thinking that maybe I could work out of my apartment for a while.”
“You can’t do that.”
“It would be fine really. If I had to go into the office, I could go in at night after you’re home.”
“Shaun wouldn’t want you to do that.”
“So what’s your idea?”
“We have to get a nurse to stay with him.”
“Harleigh…”
“They could take him to his physical therapy sessions and doctor appointments and stuff.”