“Just try it. Your resistance won’t last long.”
* * *
I ran from the kitchen into the living room as soon as I heard Shaun say it.
“So I know you’re seeing someone, Mike.”
“I’m not really… well, she’s just…”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I’m your brother – your only brother.”
“I didn’t… She’s only…”
I sat down on the couch and put my arms around Shaun.
“Her name’s Kristin. She was one of your nurses.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Mike?”
“I don’t know. I just thought you had enough on your mind already or something. I don’t know. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you.”
“Well, I want to meet her.”
“Shaun, it isn’t that serious.”
“Well, I still want to meet her.”
* * *
I remembered when I first told Jon I was seeing someone seriously.
The stereotypical protective older brother gave the stereotypical protective older brother response.
“So when do I get to meet this guy, Harleigh?”
I knew before they even met it wouldn’t be good. Jon had his dating criteria established for me. And Shaun didn’t meet any of them.
But he met all of mine.
“I don’t know, maybe this summer or something.”
“This summer? Why is it that three of your brothers have already met him and the other one has to wait another six months?”
I knew I was just postponing the inevitable.
“Well it’s just that I’m busy with school and he’s busy with work.”
“With work? What does he do, Harleigh?”
“He’s a construction worker.”
“So I guess I won’t be meeting him then.”
“What?”
“It won’t last another six months.”
* * *
I sat down beside him on the couch and kissed him.
“Hey there, Harleigh. Remember big brother’s in the house.”
“I would hit you with this pillow if I wasn’t afraid of hurting you.”
“Take your best shot.”
I kissed him again.
“Harleigh…”
“Hmmm?”
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
“Spending the day with you.”
“I was wondering… I thought…”
“Shaun, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong really.”
“What is it?”
“I just thought… never mind.”
“Shaun?”
“It’s just that I haven’t been to a meeting in a really long time.”
“Ohhh. Is everything, are you OK?”
He looked away.
“I just need to go.”
I turned his head toward me and kissed him.
“I’ll take you tomorrow.”
* * *
Shaun was getting ready to leave my apartment.
“So, I’ll pick you up at about 8 tomorrow?”
We were going to fly up to spend a week with Jon.
“That sounds good. Shaun…”
“Hmmm?”
“About Jon…”
“What about Jon?”
“Well, I haven’t… he doesn’t… he doesn’t know everything.”
“He doesn’t know everything about what?”
“About you.”
I saw the hurt.
“Shaun…”
“No, Harleigh, it’s OK.”
“No, it’s not OK.”
“Hey, it’s not easy to tell your brother you’re dating a recovering drug addict alcoholic construction worker with no college education.”
“You know that’s not how I see you.”
“But that’s how Jon does, isn’t it?”
“Shaun, he’s just not like my other brothers. He’s just a little overprotective.”
He tried to smile, but he couldn’t cover the hurt.
“He’s just worried about his little sister.”
“But he doesn’t need to be.”
* * *
Jon and I were driving back from Shaun’s first day at physical therapy. Shaun was riding back to the apartment with Mike.
“Harleigh, he’s going to be OK.”
“Did you see him? He could barely walk out of the place. And he was trying so hard not to cry.”
“It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to get better.”
“He’s so weak, Jon.”
“He’s getting stronger every day. You’re taking great care of him.”
“Thank you for everything.”
“I wish I had gotten to know Shaun from the beginning.”
“You’ve still got time.”
“He really loves you, Harleigh.”
“What else can I do?”
“You’ve just got to be patient.”
“But I don’t want to be patient. I want my Shaun back.”
* * *
Shaun and I sat across the table from Jon.
From the minute we saw Jon in the airport, he had given Shaun his look of disapproval.
“So Harleigh tells me you’re a construction worker.”
“Yeah. Umm. Yes, I am.”
“Going to college never interested you?”
I glared at him.
“Jon!”
Shaun took my hand.
“It’s OK, Harleigh. My mom died my senior year of high school, and things were really hard for me. College was the furthest thing from my mind then.”
“I see.”
“Jon, Shaun is…”
Shaun looked across the table at Jon.
“I had three scholarship offers to play college baseball. But after my mom died, none of it seemed worth it. So instead of spending my time doing homework or studying or filling out college applications, I spent my time finding new ways to get high or wasted. I was young. I was stupid. I messed up.”
“What’s going to keep you from messing up again, Shaun?” Jon gave him an icy glare.
“I’m not that guy anymore.”
* * *
Shaun had fallen asleep almost as soon as we got home.
Mike had dinner plans that night with Kristin, and Jon was watching TV in the living room. I had just finished making dinner and went to see if Shaun felt like eating anything.
He wasn’t in bed.
“Shaun?”
He didn’t answer.
I saw the light coming out from under the bathroom door.
I knocked.
“Shaun, are you in there?”
He didn’t answer.
My voice grew louder, more panicked.
“Shaun?”
When I opened the door, the smell of urine hit me. Then the sight of Shaun did.
He was just lying there motionless on the floor in front of the toilet. His eyes were closed.
I was screaming. I was crying.
“Jon! Jon! Get in here!”
I took Shaun’s head in my hands.
“Wake up, sweetie. Wake up. Jon!”
Jon’s voice was completely calm.
“Harleigh, let me see him, OK?”
I nodded.
I stood in the doorway — silent.
“Shaun, can you hear me?”
I saw Shaun’s eyes start to open.
“Mike?”
“No, it’s Jon. You’re going to be OK. Just relax.”
Jon looked up at me.
“Harleigh, go get my bag out of my room and get him some clean clothes.”
When I brought them to the bathroom, Jon took them from me.
“I don’t think this is something you need to see.”
I just looked at Shaun laying there.
“I’ll take care of him, Harleigh.”
Jon shut the door.
* * *
I was helping Shaun unpack in his room after our
dinner with Jon.
Jon insisted we sleep in separate rooms.
“Your brother hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you. It’s just going to take him some time to get to know you.”
“Going to college never interested you? What the hell?”
“Shaun, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not like I don’t realize how much I’ve fucked my life up every day, but it’s even better when someone else can point that out for me.”
“Jon is just Jon. Anyway you aren’t dating him. You’re dating me.”
“I don’t know if I can deal with your brother hating me.”
“OK, Shaun, he doesn’t hate you. And besides, I’ve got three other brothers who love you.”
“I can settle for three out of four as long as the sister is crazy about me.”
I kissed him.
“Oh, she definitely is.”
* * *
I curled up on the living room couch. The tears just wouldn’t seem to end.
I don’t know how much time passed before Jon came out. He sat down and wrapped his arms around me.
“I can’t do it, Jon. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Shhhh. Harleigh, don’t cry. It’s going to be fine; everything is going to be fine.”
“Did you just see him laying there? What if…”
“Don’t do that. He just got a little dizzy, and he couldn’t catch himself when he fell.”
“He’s OK?”
His arms held me more tightly.
“I think he’s OK. He’s got a doctor’s appointment in a couple days, and I don’t think it’s anything to worry about before then.”
“He’s OK?”
Jon tried to laugh.
“He’s embarrassed, but he’s OK.”
“What?”
I looked up at him with red, puffy eyes.
“Harleigh, he didn’t want you to see him like that. He already feels helpless enough. And then for me to have to help clean him up. This is really rough on him – physically and mentally.”
“I know.”
“Have you thought about maybe taking him to see someone? Sometimes in cases like this, it’s a good idea. It would be someone for him to talk to about everything that’s happening.”
“He doesn’t need to see someone. He’s got me.”
“Harleigh…”
“I wouldn’t listen to him.
* * *
The Saturday after we got back from our trip to Jon’s, I went to see Greg.
“So Jon was an ass to him?”
“It was terrible, Greg.”
“What did Shaun say?”
“What could he say? I think Jon really hurt him. He just kept looking at him like he was some worthless piece of trash that just has… that just has no future or anything.”
“Harleigh…”
“And he does have a future, Greg. He’s worked so hard. And he’s clean and he’s sober now.”
“Harleigh…”
“And who cares if he didn’t go to college? He’s got a good job. And he likes his job.”
“Harleigh…”
“And he’s good to me. He’s so good to me.”
“Harleigh, I know. I like Shaun. He’s a good guy. He’s got my approval. But you know how Jon is.”
“Yes, I know how Jon is, but I don’t want to lose Shaun because of how Jon is.”
* * *
I stayed on the couch, curled up with a blanket wrapped around me. Jon went to check on Shaun.
“Harleigh, he wants to see you.”
I walked into the room slowly. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep telling him that things were going to be OK when I needed someone to keep telling me that.
He looked tired. This was tearing us both apart.
I couldn’t bring myself to sit beside him on the bed so I just stood there.
And we just looked at each other.
“Harleigh…”
“Shaun…”
I smiled at him. He started to cry.
“I’m so sorry, Harleigh. I’m so sorry.”
He tried to wipe away his tears with his hand.
“I’m so sorry for putting you through this. I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t know what else to do so I sat down beside him and held him.
“Shhhh. Shaun, you don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
“I’m putting you through all this shit. I just can’t… I just…”
I rubbed my hand up and down his back.
“Please don’t cry. I love you, Shaun. I love you more than anything.”
“I can’t do anything anymore, Harleigh. Nothing. I fuckin’ pissed all over myself.”
“I love you.”
“You don’t have to say that.”
“I love you, Shaun.”
“I just want it to be normal again. I just want us to get to be us again without any of this. I’m so tired of it, Harleigh, tired of it all.”
I didn’t know if this was what I was supposed to be telling him.
“Me too. I want my Shaun back. I miss him so much.”
He kept on crying.
“But I know he’s coming back to me soon. I see little glimpses of him sometimes when you’re laughing or when you’re sleeping or when you’re holding me. And I know it’s not gonna be much longer.”
“Harleigh, this is so hard. I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You can. You’ve got me and Mike and Jon.”
He tried to smile.
“He fuckin’ gave me a bath.”
“I know. He told me. It’s not fair, you know?”
“Why’s that?”
“He’s seen more of you now than I have.”
“You’ve had your opportunities.”
He grinned through the tears.
* * *
Shaun and I had been dating for almost two years.
Jon still wouldn’t give him a chance.
“Harleigh, about Shaun…”
“No, Jon, I don’t feel like fighting with you about him tonight.”
“Are you sleeping with him?”
I almost dropped the phone.
“What?”
“Are you sleeping with him?”
“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
“It is my business. Are you being safe? Has he been tested? You don’t know what he could have, what he could give you.”
“Jon, he’s not going to give me anything.”
“How can you be so sure? He probably has no clue how many people he’s been with or even who he’s been with.”
“Enough, Jon.”
“He could be a walking STD.”
“Yeah, and so could Drew. But I don’t think you’re calling all his girlfriends to warn them.”
Silence.
“Harleigh, I just don’t want you to make any mistakes that you’re going to regret.”
“You don’t have anything to worry about.”
“I won’t stop worrying about you until you aren’t with Shaun anymore.”
* * *
It was the night before Jon was going to leave. Shaun was sitting outside with Mike. Jon was in his room packing.
I knocked on the door.
“Are you busy?”
“No, I’m almost finished.”
“Jon, thank you so much for everything.”
“Anything for my little sister.”
“I love you, Jon.”
“I love you, too.”
“Jon…”
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you’re giving Shaun a chance.”
“I’m glad he’s giving me one.”
“He was going to ask me to marry him.”
I started to cry, but Jon just let me keep on talking.
“I found the ring when I was packing his stuff to move here. He was going to ask me to marry him. Then I blew it.”
“You didn’t blow it, Harleigh. He’ll ask you when he’
s ready. Just give him some time.”
* * *
“Shaun, it’s time for a sex talk.”
I knew I had to blurt it out or else I wouldn’t get it out.
“Whoaaa. Who are you and what happened to my virginal Harleigh?”
“Well, you know we’ve gotten pretty serious and I just need to… well, if down the road we should take some steps and become more serious… I just need to know.”
“Slow down, Harleigh. I have no clue what you’re asking me or what you’re trying to tell me.”
“Well, did you? Have you? Were you?”
“Is this fill in the blank or something?”
I didn’t laugh.
“Harleigh, what’s going on?”
“You know STDs, HIV. Are you clean?”
He took my hand.
“Yeah, I’m clean.”
“You’ve been tested?”
“Yeah, I’ve been tested.”
“It’s just that…”
“Shhhh. It’s OK.”
“I didn’t know how to ask you.”
“Obviously.”
* * *
I went to tell Jon that it was almost time to leave for the airport.
I heard his voice coming from inside the bedroom. I knew that technically this was just between Shaun and Jon, but I also knew that I was in the middle of it.
“I wish I could stay a little bit longer, but I’ve got to head back.”
“Thanks for everything, Jon.”
“If you need anything, you know where I am. Shaun, I wanted to”
“What?”
“I know that we haven’t always gotten along.”
“No, we haven’t.”
“And I know that a lot of that was my fault.”
“You hated me, Jon.”
“Yeah, I did. But it wasn’t just you.”
“It wasn’t?”
“I would have hated anyone who was dating Harleigh. She’s my little sister. I feel like I have to protect her.”
“You feel like you had to protect her from me.”
“I feel like I have to protect her from everything.”
“I would never do anything to hurt her.”
“I know that, Shaun. Harleigh was the little girl our parents always wanted, but they died when she was only five.”
“She told me about it once.”
“She never talks much about them. But after that my brothers and I made it our job to look out for her. Maybe I wanted to keep her that little girl forever. Maybe I had this whole future planned out for her. Maybe I didn’t realize how happy you make her.”
“I love your sister.”
“I know you do.”
“I’ve done a lot of stuff that I’m not proud of and that I wish I could erase, but I can’t. But Harleigh looks past all of that and makes me want something more for myself.”
“Harleigh has a way of bringing out the best in people.”
“I can’t imagine not having her in my life.”
“I’m glad she has you in her life.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, I am.”
* * *
In the beginning when Mike was trying to fix Shaun and me up, Rose was pretty tight-lipped about Shaun’s past.
“So you know my neighbor Mike Parker, the one who was a couple years ahead of you in school?”
“You know, I think you two would make a really cute couple, Harleigh.”