“Harleigh…”
“Mike, he’ll be in good hands. Look at him now. He’s still so shaky and so weak. If anything happened, I don’t know what I would do.”
“Harleigh, I agree with everything you’re saying, but…”
“But what?”
“Shaun’s not going to like it.”
“He’s going to have to.”
* * *
Mike had helped carry my groceries to my apartment.
“Shaun told me about when he woke up in the alley.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“I think about that every day.”
“You do?”
“I think about it and realize how far Shaun’s come.”
“What happened after that?”
“I remember finding him that day, and he was so scared, so messed up. And I told myself this wasn’t going to happen again. I was going to do whatever I could to help him get his life back together. And I didn’t care whether he liked it or not.”
* * *
The next day Mike and I decided to tell Shaun about the nurse.
He was sitting on the couch after dinner. Mike sat down in a chair across the room. I sat down beside him and took his hand.
He looked at us looking at him.
“What’s going on, you two? Why are you looking at me like that? What?”
“Shaun, I have to go back to school in two weeks.”
He knew.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Shaun, Harleigh and I were thinking it might be a good idea to get someone to stay with you.”
“What? You think I need a babysitter?”
I squeezed his hand.
“No, not a babysitter, more like a nurse.”
“No, I don’t need anybody. I’ll be fine.”
Mike tried.
“Shaun, what if something happens?”
“What if something happens? I’ll be fine. Harleigh, you don’t really think I need a nurse, do you?”
“Shaun…”
“Harleigh and I don’t want anything to happen to you. This is what’s best.”
He let go of my hand.
“This is what’s best? For who? So that’s it? You’ve already made up your minds. I don’t even get a say, do I?”
I tried to take his hand. He wouldn’t let me.
“Shaun, I love you, and I just want…”
“What about what I want? You guys didn’t even ask me. You know I might not be able to do much, but I can still think for myself.”
“Shaun, just relax. Harleigh and I just want to make sure you’re OK.”
“You just want to fuckin’ take care of me. That’s what it’s always been about. The older brother who takes care of his addict brother. The dutiful girlfriend who takes care of her fuck-up boyfriend. Just fuckin’ take care of me some more.”
He stood up and went into the bedroom.
I started to cry.
* * *
“When Shaun first got sober, I wouldn’t let him move out.”
I was having another insight session with Mike.
“Really?”
“There was no way I was going to let him be by himself.”
“So you thought if you were with him all the time he couldn’t drink?”
“That was pretty much my irrational logic.”
“I don’t think Shaun would have made it through without you.”
“I was kind of like the mother whose last child is getting ready to leave the house.”
I laughed.
“But you let him go?”
“Yeah, but I was at his apartment so much that he finally took the key away from me”
“Poor Mike.”
“And then he stopped answering the door.”
“Poor, poor Mike.”
“If I ever have kids, they’ll have to live with me forever.”
* * *
That night he seemed so far away even though he was just on the other side of the bed.
“Shaun, are you awake?”
I waited for him to answer, but he didn’t. I knew he wasn’t sleeping.
“I know you probably hate me right now. But I love you, Shaun, more than anything. And I don’t want to lose you.”
I moved closer. He didn’t pull away.
“I’m not going to tell you that I know what you’re going through because I don’t. But, Shaun, this isn’t easy for me either.”
I was starting to cry. His eyes were closed.
“I want it to be the way it was before any of this. I want to come home from work and fix dinner with you and listen to your stories or go to the park with you or watch TV with you or I don’t know… just have what we had before. I want that so much. And I’ll do whatever I have to do to get that back.”
“God, Harleigh, it’s just… it’s just… I’m so tired of all of this shit, you know?”
“I know.”
“I’m so tired of having to have all these people help me do everything. I feel so fuckin’ useless.”
I rested my head on his chest.
“Just hold me, Shaun.”
“Harleigh…”
“Hmmmm?”
“I could never hate you.”
* * *
Shaun, Mike and I were having dinner at my apartment.
I could tell Shaun was uneasy about something.
“Mike…”
“What?”
“Do you hate me?”
“What?”
“Do you hate me, you know, for what I put you through? Because I made you lose Meghen?”
I looked at Shaun, and I saw that part of him really believed what he spoke was true.
“Shaun, what are you talking about?”
“Mike, are you carrying around some built-up resentment toward me?”
“No.”
“Did I cause permanent damage to our relationship?”
“What the hell, Shaun?”
“Well, I just want to know before you get married and you don’t ask me to be the best man.”
“Married? When am I getting married?”
“I saw a similar situation on some Oprah-like show today.”
* * *
Shaun wasn’t too tired when I picked him up from his physical therapy session that day.
I decided it would be good for him to get out of the apartment so I took him to the park.
“Hey Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“What are we doing here?”
“I thought you might like to get out of the apartment for a little bit. Do you feel up to it?”
“Yeah, I think I do.”
We walked along slowly, my arm wrapped around his.
“Do you remember when you first tried to hold my hand here?”
“How could I forget? You freaked out on me, Harleigh.”
“Well what did you expect? An extraordinarily handsome man taking hold of my hand wasn’t something that happened to me every day.”
“And now?”
“I’ve gotten used to it.”
* * *
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“How’d you meet Ron?”
Shaun and I had been dating for almost a year. But suddenly he had this insatiable curiosity about my past relationships.
“I led a study group that met after the study group he led.”
“So he was a…”
“Watch it, buddy.”
“So he was smart?”
“Yes, he was smart.”
“Where’d he take you on your first date?”
“We went to a lecture by some right-wing Jon-like clone.”
“So Jon liked him?”
“I think Jon was the only person who liked him.”
“Well, what about you? You had to like the guy.”
“I don’t know if I really like liked him or if I just got used to having someone there, having a boyfriend.”
* * *
We were sitting on the bed, and I was giving Shaun a backrub.
“How’s that feel?”
“Amazing.”
“How about this?”
I started to kiss his neck and back.
“Shaun, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Harleigh.”
“You can kiss me, silly boy.”
“You want me to kiss you?”
I nodded.
He kissed my fingertips.
“Here?”
I shook my head.
He kissed my neck.
“Here?”
I shook my head.
He put a finger on my lips.
“What about here?”
I nodded.
My hands were running along his chest and stomach as he kissed me.
“Shaun, is this OK? Am I hurting you?”
“You aren’t hurting me. I haven’t felt this good for a long time.”
He was grinning as he pulled me down onto the pillows with him.
“What’s got you so happy?”
He didn’t answer me.
I felt his hand slip up under my shirt.
“Here, let me help you.”
I pulled my shirt off over my head.
“Harleigh…”
Now I put my finger over his lips.
“Shhh. I love you so much, Shaun.”
As he kissed me, I started to undo his jeans.
Then we heard it: Mike’s voice.
“Shaun, Harleigh, are you guys here?”
Shaun kept kissing me.
“Just ignore him. He’ll go away.”
“Shaun..”
“Go away, Mike!”
I hit him.
“Mike, just give us a couple minutes.”
I kissed him one last time.
“Rain check?”
“You better believe it.”
* * *
“Harleigh, about this Ron character…”
“Shaun…”
The inquisition hadn’t ended yet.
“What did you two do exactly?”
“What is going on, Shaun?”
“You know. What did you two do?”
“I don’t understand the question.”
“You’re getting flustered like you’re embarrassed of something the two of you did.”
“Enough of this.”
“Did you let him…”
“I’m not answering.”
“Was there a lot of heavy petting, groping, you know?”
“Heavy petting? Groping?”
I couldn’t keep a straight face.
“Hey, why are you laughing?”
“Because Ron wasn’t really into anything physical.”
“Hmmm.”
“I swear the sight of me flipping through flashcards turned him on.”
* * *
Mike, Shaun and I had spent the day interviewing nurses to stay with Shaun when I went back to school.
Mike brought a bowl of popcorn into the living room.
“I really liked Rachel. What’d you think, Shaun?” I think if Mike wasn’t dating Kristin that he would have really, really liked Rachel.
“Nope.”
I curled up beside him and took his hand.
“Who did you like, sweetie?”
“I liked Luis.”
Mike just stared at him.
“The guy?”
“Yeah, the guy.”
I kissed his cheek.
“I think he’ll be perfect.”
“I don’t need a babysitter, but if I have to have one, I at least want somebody I can talk to. He was the only one who knew who was leading the AL Central. Come on.”
My Shaun was coming back.
* * *
“So if Ron was smart and innocent and conservative and all those great things, why didn’t the two of you work?”
Ron was turning into a weeklong conversation topic.
“All those things aren’t necessarily great things.”
“But…”
“Listen, Shaun, Ron was a walking stereotype complete with a full wardrobe of khakis and polo shirts. We were meant to be friends but nothing more.”
“But what about me?”
“What about you?”
“Aren’t I just the opposite walking stereotype?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Recovering alcoholic construction worker with no college education and holes in all my socks.”
“You know that’s not what you are.”
“How can you say that’s not what I am? That is what I am.”
“But, Shaun, that’s not all of what you are. And what is this all about anyway?”
“Harleigh, if it didn’t work between you and Ron who was seemingly perfect for you, what makes you think it’ll last between me and you?”
“Guys like Ron are a dime a dozen. He’s a cardboard cutout.”
“I’m glad you like me better than a chunk of cardboard, makes me feel great.”
* * *
Shaun was taking a bath, but he had been in the bathroom for a long time.
I knocked on the door.
“Shaun, are you OK in there?”
“Yup, you can come in.”
I slowly opened the door until I saw him covered in bubbles and shampoo still in his hair.
I laughed.
“I was testing out all this Bath and Body stuff.”
“And?”
“And I like it. Do I smell good?”
“You smell just like a sun-ripened raspberry.”
“That’s my favorite on you.”
“I’ll have to keep that in mind.”
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“The other night you know when Mike kind of interrupted?”
“I remember that night.”
“You were undoing my jeans.”
“Yes, I was.”
“Yeah, you were.”
“OK, I’m glad we got that cleared up, Shaun.”
“But…”
“But what?”
“You know.”
“No, my little raspberry, I don’t know. Tell me.”
“Well, you know, you don’t usually do that.”
“So you didn’t like it?”
“Oh no. I liked it. I definitely liked it and what could have happened after that if Mike hadn’t interrupted.”
“That’s what I thought.”
* * *
“Was he a good kisser, Harleigh?”
“Was who a good kisser?”
“Ron? Was Ron a good kisser?”
“This is it, Shaun.”
“This is what?”
“No more Ron questions.”
“So was he?”
“Not particularly. But he had a tongue so that was nice.”
“Ewww, Harleigh, I’m appalled to hear such words come out of your mouth.”
“What’s with all these questions lately?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re a terrible liar.”
“Nothing, really.”
“Shaun, you’ve been badgering me for more than a week about a half-assed relationship I had in college.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You should be. Do you want me to start grilling you about all your old girlfriends – about what you did and didn’t do with them?”
“Not really.”
“OK, then. Drop this Ron nonsense. I don’t love him – I love you.”
* * *
It was the Wednesday before school started. Shaun was at the physical therapist. Rose and I had gone out to lunch.
“Rose, I don’t know if I can leave him.”
“You’ve only got until Monday.”
“What if something happens?”
“Sweetie, nothing is going to happen to him. He’s going to have a nurse with him all day. And, he’s been doing so much better lately, hasn’t he?”
“He has been. But…”
“I don’t want to hear any excuses, Miss Murphy. He has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, doesn’t he?”
“He does. But…”
“I’m sure that the doctor will tell you that it’s perfectly fine for you to go back to work. You want things to be the way they were before the accident, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.”
“Harleigh, you’ve gotta do this.”
* * *
“I’m avoiding Shaun. I’ve been avoiding him for two days.”
Rose and I were at lunch.
“Sweetie, what happened? Big fight? What?”
“Well, hmmm. Uggghhh. It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Out with it, Miss Murphy.”
“I went over to his apartment the other night. The door was unlocked. He didn’t answer so I went in.”
“Tell me you didn’t catch him with another woman.”
“I heard moaning, you know, in the bathroom.”
“Harleigh…”
“And there he was in the shower — flying solo. I could kinda see what he was doing through the shower curtain.”
Rose couldn’t talk she was laughing so hard.
“Stop it, Rose. It’s not funny.”
“Umm, yeah it is.”
“Stop, please.”
“OK.”
The snickering lingered.
“I apologized over and over and over as I sprinted out of the apartment.”
“And what did Shaun do?”
“Well, it took him a little while to recover, but he ran after me.”
“And?”
“And I haven’t returned his calls or anything since the incident.”
“The incident?”
“That’s what I’m calling it.”
“Harleigh, he’s just a normal, healthy, horny male.”
“You know I knew he did. I mean I was pretty sure he did. I just didn’t want to see him in action – and I mean, I didn’t really see him, see him, but I knew what was going on. Uggghhh….”
“I think the two of you need to have a talk. The guy’s probably mortified. His girlfriend, who’s more innocent and naïve than a nun, catches him jerking off. Come on, give the guy a break.”
“Rose, I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s like it’s permanently engrained.”
“So you liked what you kind of saw?”
“You’re not funny.”
But we were both laughing.
* * *
After Dr. Matthews finished examining Shaun, he called me back into the little room. Shaun looked upset. I sat down beside him and took his hand.
“You’ve been taking good care of him, Harleigh.”
“I try.”
“I told Shaun that everything looks good.”
“Good.”
“Dr. Moore tells me that you’re making some progress with your hand, Shaun.”
Shaun nodded.
I squeezed his hand. He still didn’t smile. He hadn’t said a word since I had come into the exam room.
“Good, that’s good. But I’m still a little bit worried about these headaches.”
“Ohhh.”
“I’ve scheduled some more tests for tomorrow.”
“Well, what do you think’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s anything serious. I just want to be on the safe side.”