“OK.”
“Other than that, Shaun’s doing great.”
His voice was soft – and angry.
“Yeah, just great.”
* * *
Shaun was sitting out in front of my apartment when I got home from work.
It was the day I had told Rose about the incident.
“Harleigh…”
“Shaun…”
“Look…”
“I’m sorry I haven’t returned your calls. I just didn’t know… I just didn’t know what to say.”
“I’m not a masturbation fiend or anything but…”
“It’s OK. I understand.”
“And I really hope I didn’t traumatize you too badly.”
“It’s OK, Shaun.”
“It’s OK?”
“Well, yeah, as long as you’re thinking about me.”
“Of course.”
He wrapped his arms around me.
“Hey, Shaun.”
“Hey what?”
“Next time, lock the door.”
* * *
Shaun didn’t say a word in the car on the way home after his doctor’s appointment.
I reached over and squeezed his knee.
“You OK?”
“You heard the doctor. I’m doing great.”
“Well, then I was thinking, I was hoping actually that maybe we could go out tonight.”
“Go out?”
“Like go out on a date. Maybe to the movies or something and we can make out like wild teenagers in the back row.”
I giggled. Shaun smiled.
“I’d really like to go out on a date with you, Harleigh.”
“It’s been forever since we’ve gone out.”
“Since before the accident.”
* * *
One night Shaun and I were sitting in the movie theater. It was our first time out since the incident. He was the only guy.
He grabbed my hand.
“I’m feeling outnumbered.”
“All the women in here wish they had a sensitive man like you who would come see this movie with them.”
“The only reason I came to see this chick flick is because I’m with you.”
“Chick flick?”
“Come on, you know it is.”
“Did you just call this a chick flick?”
“Yeah, so?”
I let go of his hand and sat on mine.
“Harleigh, what are you doing?”
“I’m sitting on my hands.”
“Come on. Stop it. People are looking.”
“Shaun, I am sitting on my hands.”
“Why are you sitting on your hands?”
“So I don’t have to hold yours through this chick flick.”
* * *
We had barely walked through the door after getting his tests done at the hospital when Shaun got a headache.
He had just fallen asleep when my cellphone started to ring. It was Greg.
“Hi, Greg.”
“Hey, Harleigh. How are you and Shaun?”
“We’re good. Greg, what’s wrong?” It was in his voice.
“You’re too good at that.”
“Greg, what’s wrong? Are you OK?”
“God, I feel like such an ass. You’ve already got enough stuff going on without me adding to the mess.”
“OK, you’re starting to scare me. What’s going on?”
“Ann and I are getting a divorce.”
“You’re what? Greg?”
“We’re splitting up.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s complicated.”
“But Greg…”
“Things have been kind of shaky since Mona was born. It’s been a really long time since things have been good.”
“What about Jack and Mona?”
“They’re going to live with her for now.”
I could hear the tears in his voice.
“Greg, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
“Well, Jack is staying with me for a couple days. And he asks about Shaun all the time. So I thought maybe we could stop and see you guys tomorrow. I think it would be good for Jack.”
“We’d love to see you.”
* * *
Shaun came into my apartment with a bag of groceries tucked under his arm.
“I was beginning to think you got lost, Shaun.”
“Weirdest thing happened.”
“What?”
“I ran into Mrs. Miller. Her and her husband were friends of my parents. They were married almost 40 years.”
“Yeah?”
“They’re getting a divorce.”
“What?”
“They’re getting a divorce. That’s it. Marriage over.”
“Did she tell you why?”
“He cheated on her.”
* * *
Shaun wasn’t feeling that well that morning. But I knew he was excited to see Jack.
He was sitting on the couch when they knocked on the door.
Jack hugged me first, and I saw the little cast on his arm.
“Hey, what happened to your arm?”
He didn’t answer. He ran straight across the living room, jumped up on the couch and wrapped his arms around Shaun.
“Shaun!!!!”
Greg held onto my hand and looked at Jack. “Careful, Jack. Shaun’s not feeling too good.”
“It’s OK, Greg. He won’t hurt me.”
Jack smiled as he sat on Shaun’s lap. Greg and I just stood back and watched the two of them talk.
“So what’s this, tough guy?” Shaun tapped on his little cast.
“I fell off the swing.”
“Uh-oh. I bet that hurt.”
Jack shook his head.
“What happened to you, Shaun? I couldn’t play with you for a long time. Have they fixed your insides?”
Greg and I tried not to laugh.
“Yup, they got me all fixed up.”
“You were in the hospital for soooo long.”
“It took a while.”
“They said I can’t go swimming for a month.”
“A whole month?”
“Mom and dad tell me no rough housing.”
“Yeah, Harleigh doesn’t let me have much fun now.”
“It’s no fun being hurt.”
“Nope, it isn’t.”
* * *
Shaun had that look like he wanted to ask me something he wasn’t quite sure if he was allowed to ask me.
“Ask me.”
“Ask you what?”
“Whatever it is you’re sitting over there thinking about asking me?”
“Was it weird growing up with Greg?”
“He’s my brother. You kinda have to grow up with your brother.”
“No, Harleigh, I mean… You know, living…”
“You mean having him as a parental figure?”
“Yeah.”
“It wasn’t weird really. It was just different.”
“Was it OK to ask you this?”
I kissed his forehead.
“I was a freshman and Noah was a senior in high school when we moved in with Greg. He had only been out of college for about a year.”
“Where were Jon and Drew?”
“Jon was finishing up his residency, and Drew was in his second year of college, I think. But Greg, Greg was great. But Jon was always on his case about were we studying enough, were we staying out of trouble, you know typical Jon stuff.”
“Typical Jon stuff.”
“Then Drew dropped out — got kicked out — of school and came to live with us. And Greg married Ann. And it was like a whole family finally, instead of just bits and pieces here and there. A real family.”
* * *
Jack and Shaun were watching a movie. I could hear Jack singing along with the cartoon while Greg and I were doing the dishes.
“He’s so happy to see Shaun, Harleigh.”
“Greg…”
&n
bsp; “I can’t believe how much better Shaun’s doing. You must be taking great care of him.”
“What about you? How are you doing?”
“Other than the fact that my marriage and my family are completely falling apart, I’m doing great.”
“I’m so sorry, Greg.”
“I’m the one who should be sorry.”
“Why?”
“I did it, Harleigh. It’s all my fault.”
“How is it all your fault?”
“God, Harleigh, I had an affair.”
“You did what?”
“You know — an affair. I’ve been sleeping with a woman other than my wife.”
“Greg…”
“Don’t lecture me please. I’ve already heard enough from Jon.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know. I was thinking with my lower brain.”
“Greg, you’ve got two kids.”
“I only had one when it started.”
“How long has this been going on for?”
“Since about a month before Ann got pregnant with Mona.”
“How’d Ann find out?”
“I told her.”
Then he fell apart.
I wrapped my arms around him.
“Shhhhh. Greg, don’t cry.”
“I love her and Jack and Mona more than anything. I had to tell her. Now she won’t listen to anything. She doesn’t want to see me. She barely lets me see Jack or Mona. Harleigh, I don’t know what to do.”
“It’ll be OK, Greg. It’ll be OK.”
“I don’t think so. I just don’t think so.”
* * *
Shaun and I were opening Christmas cards. Inside the one from Greg was a picture of Mona and Jack.
“Greg says Mona looks just like me when I was little.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Harleigh, why did Greg and Ann wait so long to have kids?”
“Probably because the experience of raising me, Noah and Drew scarred them for life.”
* * *
I was rubbing Shaun’s back before we went to bed. Greg had called a little while ago to tell us that they got home OK.
“Jack was so excited to see you today.”
“Poor little guy’s got a broken arm. Did you see how little that cast was?”
“How are you feeling, Shaun?”
“I’m feeling OK. What’s wrong, Harleigh? Is it something with Greg?”
“Have you ever thought with your lower brain?”
“What? What did you just ask me?”
“Greg’s been cheating on Ann.”
“Oh, and he was thinking with his lower brain?”
“That’s what he said.”
“I only think with my lower brain when it comes to you.”
“That’s what I like to hear.”
“Harleigh…”
“Hmmm…”
“I would never cheat on you.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
* * *
Shaun was at my apartment while I went to the store to get some milk.
When I got back, he had the I’ve-been-up-to-no-good smirk.
“So what’d you do?”
“What makes you think I did something?”
I kissed his cheek.
“So what’d you do?”
“You left your cellphone here. And Jon called while you were gone.”
“And?”
I knew this wasn’t good.
“I had a little chat with him.”
“And?”
“He said, ‘Where is my sister?’ And I said, ‘Your sister’s at the store.’ And he said, ‘Why are you at my sister’s apartment while she’s at the store?’ And I said, ‘Because she’s got a bun in the oven.’”
He laughed. I didn’t.
“Shaun…”
“Come on, Harleigh. Dinner’s in the oven. Bun in the oven. Laugh. Get it. Haha! Come on.”
“You are so not funny.”
“That’s what Jon said.”
* * *
Shaun was still in bed when I was getting ready for school Monday morning.
“Shaun, now you’re sure you feel OK?”
“I feel OK.”
“And you know my number at the school in case anything happens?”
“I know the number.”
I sat down on the side of the bed and kissed his forehead.
“And you’ll be good for Luis?”
“Maybe.”
“Shaun…”
“I’ll be good for Luis.”
“Thank you.”
“Do I get a little gold star now?”
“Nope.”
“Well, that’s not fair.”
“You get a kiss.”
* * *
“Harleigh, you know my friend Matt from work?”
“Yes, I know your friend Matt from work.”
“He wants me to help coach a Little League team with him this year.”
“Really? Are you gonna?”
“I think I am. I think I really might like it.”
“Awww.”
“Harleigh, are you having dad-like visions of me?”
I hit him with the dish towel.
“Start drying.”
“My dad coached my Little League team before he died.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, that was kind of our thing, our thing we did together. Almost every night in the summer, we’d go out in the backyard and just play catch or something.”
I wrapped my arms around him.
“I think you’ll make a great coach.”
“Now don’t go getting all excited, Harleigh. I won’t be wearing those tight pants like they do on TV.”
* * *
After my class had just gone out to recess, Martin Brown came up to me.
“Miss Murphy…”
“Hi, Martin.”
“Miss Murphy, is he dead?”
I didn’t understand.
“Is who dead, Martin?”
“Is Coach Shaun dead?”
I understood.
Martin’s brother Warren was on Shaun’s Little League team. Shaun always let Martin be the batboy.
“No, Martin. Shaun is doing so much better.”
“But he missed all the baseball games.”
“Yeah, he did. He was pretty sick for a while.”
“My uncle was on the ambulance that picked him up.”
It all seemed so far away.
It all seemed like just yesterday.
“Was he, Martin?”
“I heard him tell my dad there was no way he was going to make it.”
“But he did.”
“And he’ll be back for baseball?”
“He’ll be back.”
* * *
Warren and Martin’s mom and I sat on the bleachers after the game.
Shaun was pitching to Martin.
“He’s going to make a great dad, Harleigh.”
“What?”
“Shaun. Shaun is going to make a great dad someday.”
“Oh, we really… we’re not… we’ve never…”
“I’m sorry, did I say something?”
“No, we’ve just never really talked about it.”
“Martin worships Shaun. Look at them.”
“They are pretty cute together.”
“He’s a keeper, Harleigh.”
* * *
Shaun was waiting at the door for me when I got home.
He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him.
I kissed his cheek.
“Hey, sweetie. Hi, Luis.”
Shaun let go of me and took my hand.
“So how was your day? How was school? How were you classes? How was recess?”
Luis and I just looked at each other.
“Shaun, are you OK?”
“I just missed you.”
* * *
It was time for my yearly visit to see Jon.
Shaun was sitting in the airport with me before I checked in.
“Harleigh…”
“Hmmmm?”
“Do you really have to go?”
“Shaun…”
“I’m gonna miss you so much, and I think I’m coming down with the flu or something.”
“You don’t have the flu.”
“No, I don’t have it yet. But soon it’ll be in full effect, and I’ll need you here.”
I leaned over and kissed him.
“I’ll miss you, too.”
He pulled out an envelope from his jacket pocket.
“Shaun?”
“Don’t open it now.”
“What is it?”
“It’s a list of all my outstanding qualities.” He was grinning. “Open it when Jon tries to brainwash you into thinking I’m a no-good loser.”
* * *
Wednesday night Shaun and I were sitting on the couch, watching a movie.
“Hey, Shaun.”
“Hey what?”
“Friday night is the first home football game.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. And I was thinking we could go for a half or a quarter or just as long as you wanted to stay.”
We had gone to every football game last season.
“Harleigh, I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“Just… I can’t, OK?”
“It’s supposed to be really nice out. We can just stay for a little bit. I think it would be really good for you.”
“No, OK?”
“But, Shaun…”
“Stop it, Harleigh. I’m not going.”
“Tell me why.”
He didn’t say anything.
“Come on, Shaun. Why not?”
“Because they’ll stare.”
“Who’ll stare?”
“Everyone.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’ll be on fuckin’ display. Everyone coming up and asking me how I am and telling me they’re so glad to see I’m doing better. I can’t deal with that shit right now.”
“OK.”
“OK.”
* * *
It was before we were even dating that Mike, Shaun and I began the Friday night football tradition.
I was sitting in the bleachers with Shaun. Mike was talking with someone he graduated with.
Shaun’s eyes had a sadness in them as he looked out at the field.
“When I graduated high school, I swore I’d never come back to this place. Now here I am every Friday night.”
“Rather be somewhere else, Shaun?”
He put his arm around me — in a friendshiply way, of course.
“Never.”
“What is it then?”
“It’s just that I’m not who I was when I went to school here. But I know all these people still see me that way. I don’t know, it’s kinda hard to explain.”
“Here I thought you were a popular jock.”
“You must have me confused with Mike.”
* * *
We were putting away the dishes after dinner on Thursday.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“I talked to Luis today.”
“Quizzing him about baseball stats?”
“No. I was talking to him about the football game.”
“Shaun, it’s OK if you don’t want to go.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to go.”
“Shaun, I understand, and it’s OK.”
“I just don’t want everyone staring and feeling sorry for me and I’m afraid that… I’m afraid that…”