I put down the dish towel and took his hand in mine.
“What are you afraid of?”
“I’m afraid that I’m going to get a headache in front of everyone, and they’ll all look at me like a freak or something.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“It might.”
“I’d be there.”
“So I was talking with Luis. And maybe it would be a good idea for me to get back out there, go to the game.”
“Only if you want to.”
* * *
One of Shaun’s old friends from high school came up to us at last year’s homecoming game.
“Hey, Shaun Parker, is that really you?”
We both turned.
“Hey, Justin, it’s been a long time.”
“Last time I saw you was a year after graduation. You were passed out behind the bar at Julian’s dad’s place.”
“That was a long time ago.”
I felt Shaun squeeze my hand.
“Justin, this is Harleigh. Harleigh, Justin. We played baseball together.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Harleigh.”
“You, too.”
“So what are you doing, Shaun? Are you still living here?”
“Yeah, I’m working down at Bradford’s, doing construction. What about you?”
“I live in Ohio now, just opened my own law firm. I always thought you’d re-open your dad’s firm.”
“Nahh, that really was never my thing.”
As they stood and talked, I could see the look of self-disappointment fill Shaun’s face.
As Justin walked away, I lifted Shaun’s chin so he was making eye contact with me.
“I love you.”
I had grown to know what I could make better and what I could only try to make better.
* * *
Mike, Kristin and Rose were coming with Shaun and me to the football game. Safety in numbers.
It was about five minutes before we were supposed to leave, and Shaun was still in the bathroom.
I knocked on the door.
“Shaun, are you about ready?”
He didn’t answer.
“Shaun?”
I knocked again and then opened the door.
He was standing in front of the mirror, his shirt off, just staring.
“Shaun…”
His eyes were still fixed on the mirror.
“Look at them, Harleigh.”
“Look at what?”
“At the scars.”
“Don’t, Shaun.”
“Don’t what?’
“Don’t do this to yourself.”
“Harleigh, do you still, you know, find me attractive?”
I kissed him.
* * *
I met Jackie, one of Shaun’s ex-girlfriends, at a playoff game last year.
She was beautiful — model-material beautiful.
I felt inadequate.
“You were really quiet tonight, Harleigh. You OK?”
Shaun was driving home.
“She’s beautiful, Shaun, really, really beautiful.”
“Who?”
“Jackie.”
“Oh. Harleigh, don’t.”
“Everything was so perfect about her. I was just looking for one tiny hair out of place, couldn’t find one.”
“She’s not perfect.”
“Did you, you know, were you sleeping with her?”
He didn’t answer.
His silence was answer enough, but I asked again anyway.
“Were you?”
“Yeah, we slept together a lot while we were dating.”
“A lot? What does that mean?”
“I don’t know, a lot. I mean it wasn’t like it was just once or twice.”
“Like 10 or 20 times?”
“Harleigh, we dated for almost a year, and sex was a pretty regular activity for us.”
“Oh.”
“Harleigh, you know I’m not innocent.”
“I know. But…”
“But nothing. I don’t love Jackie. I love you.”
“She’s really beautiful, though.”
“Not as beautiful as you. And she uses the wrong end of the toothbrush.”
* * *
Mike, Kristin and Shaun stayed in the bleachers while Rose and I went to the bathroom during halftime.
“Harleigh, Shaun looks so much better. It’s hard to think that’s the same Shaun who was lying in that hospital bed.”
“He didn’t want to come tonight. He didn’t want to face all the how are you doing and the I’m so glad to see you’re feeling better stuff.”
“Understandable.”
“But I think he’s having fun.”
“Of course, he is. He’s with you.”
“He’s always with me.”
“Harleigh, he hasn’t let go of your hand since we got here.”
“So?”
“I’ve never seen the two of you look more perfect together.”
“Things have been good lately, really good.”
“How good?”
Rose was smiling.
“No, not that good — yet.”
As we got closer to bleachers, I could see a guy I didn’t know sitting with Shaun and Mike.
Rose stopped walking.
“Oh my God. I can’t believe it.”
“What, Rose? What’s going on?”
“That’s Julian.”
* * *
We had only been dating for about four months when Shaun came over to my apartment after one of his AA meetings.
He was barely through the door when he started talking. His mind was racing.
“Harleigh, I want to make this work. I want to make us work.”
“Me too. Shaun?”
“But you don’t know what I did, how I used to be, who I was before I was sober.”
“That doesn’t matter to me, Shaun.”
“No, it does matter. You have to know if we’re going to make this work. I don’t want to hide it from you. Ask me, Harleigh. Ask me anything.”
“I don’t understand.”
“The first time I got drunk was with my friend Julian. His dad owned a bar, and we would sneak in the back. I was in ninth grade. Come on, Harleigh.”
“Shaun…”
“The first time I tried pot Julian and I were at this hunting cabin our junior year of high school. We tried a shitload of drugs together when we went to New York City after graduation. Please, Harleigh.”
“Who’s Julian?”
He slowed down.
“Who’s Julian, Shaun?”
“He was my best friend.”
“Was?”
“Yeah, we haven’t really talked for a while. Come on, Harleigh. The first Christmas after my mom died I was so messed up that I ended up in the emergency room. Mike was so pissed at me.”
“Why?”
“Why was Mike pissed?”
“No, why haven’t you talked to Julian?”
“I can’t.”
“Did something happen?”
“A lot happened.”
“What happened between the two of you?”
“I got clean and sober, and I wanted to stay that way.”
“I’m sorry, Shaun. I shouldn’t have…”
“No, I told you to ask me anything. Staying clean was so much harder for me in the very beginning. I mean it’s still not easy. But you met me after I gone through all the shit, when I actually had it a little bit together. I couldn’t have kept it together with Julian.”
“So you don’t talk at all anymore?”
“No, we don’t. I’m not sure if he even lives here anymore. And Mike made it pretty clear he was to stay away from me.”
“What happened?”
“Mike broke his nose.”
“What? Mike doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to just break someone’s nose.”
“After I got out of rehab the second time, Julian got me a bag of cok
e – I hadn’t done that kind of stuff in years, but you know... Anyway, Mike found it.”
I just looked at him.
I wondered if he thought he was going to scare me off.
I took his hand.
“I would have broken more than his nose.”
* * *
As Rose and I climbed the bleachers, I could see the anger in Mike’s face and the combination of pain and happiness in Shaun’s.
Shaun took my hand as soon as I sat down beside him.
Rose nudged me.
“Harleigh, this is Julian.” Shaun’s voice was both happy and sad.
“It’s nice to meet you, Julian.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Harleigh. I’ve heard a lot about you from Shaun’s friends.”
Mike just stared at him.
“I better go find my sister before the third quarter starts. I just wanted to see how you were doing, Shaun. I was pretty worried when I heard about the accident.”
“Shaun is doing just fine, Julian.”
We all looked at Mike.
Julian stood up to leave.
“It was good to see you, Shaun.”
“Yeah, you too.”
“Maybe we could get together sometime or something, catch up.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
* * *
Mike was over one morning for breakfast.
“Read about your buddy Julian in the paper yesterday.”
I listened to Mike and Shaun as I got more orange juice out of the refrigerator.
“What’d he do?”
“Got picked up for a DUI.”
“Figures.”
“Shouldn’t he have lost his license by now?”
“Mike…”
“Don’t defend him, Shaun. The guy’s fucked up, and he almost pulled you down with him.”
“I didn’t need anyone’s help messing my life up. I think I did a good enough job myself.”
“Well, I didn’t do a sufficient enough job when I broke the punk’s nose. I should have had him arrested for getting you that coke.”
“He needs help, Mike.”
“You aren’t the one who can help him, Shaun.”
“I know that.”
* * *
I was making Shaun a sandwich.
“So did you have an OK time tonight?”
“I had a great time. Once everybody left me alone.”
“Such a popular guy.”
“That’s me.”
“How were things with Julian?”
“Well, Mike didn’t hit him, but I think it was close.”
“Mike just worries about you.”
“I know he does, but Julian didn’t make me do the shit I did. He didn’t stop me, but he wasn’t making me do it.”
“I know.”
“Do you remember that woman who came to visit me in the hospital and she stayed with me that one whole afternoon and made you go home to sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“That was Julian’s mom.”
“He was worried about you, Shaun. You could see it in his face.”
“Yeah, he was.”
“Are you gonna see him again?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know if he’s clean… and I can’t…”
“I know.”
* * *
“When I first got clean, Mike was more protective of me than Jon is of you.”
“Oh really?”
“Really. In the beginning, I practically had to tell him every time I was gonna take a piss.”
“Shaun…”
“At first I couldn’t figure out why he was doing it, why he was so determined to save me.”
“He’s your brother.”
“Yeah, but I had messed so many things up for him. So then I thought maybe he was just doing it to torture me, make me go through the withdrawal symptoms.”
“You didn’t really believe that, did you?”
“Yeah, I did. My head was such a mess. But then I would see the way he looked at me. He always looked so worried, so worried that things weren’t gonna be OK.”
“He loves you, Shaun.”
“I think seeing how much he wanted to help me, how he never gave up on me, that kind of made me want to help myself.”
* * *
Shaun and I were in bed Saturday night. My head was resting on his chest.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“I love you.”
I rolled over onto my side and looked at him.
“Oh do you now?”
I was smiling. He was grinning.
“I do.”
He was kissing my neck.
“There’s just something so appealing about the smell of sun-ripened raspberry, isn’t there, Shaun?”
I started to laugh.
“Are you laughing at me?”
He brushed his lips against mine.
I shook my head.
As he kissed me, he pulled me closer to him. My hands rested on his chest then moved down to the top of his boxers.
“Harleigh…”
“I love you, Shaun.”
He reached down and took my hand.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“Something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.”
“You’re sure?”
I nodded.
Before he could say anything else, I slipped my hand down the front of his boxers.
I watched his eyes close.
“Oh my God.”
“Shaun, am I hurting you?”
“No, no. You just keep on doing what you’re doing, and I’ll be fine.”
I laughed as I kissed him.
“I love you, Shaun.”
His arms pulled me even closer.
“Please, God, don’t let Mike knock on the door.”
I whispered in his ear.
“Shaun, make love to me.”
“Oh, Harleigh, do you have any idea how much I want to make love to you?”
“I think I have an idea.”
He reached down and very reluctantly pulled my hand away.
“Yeah, I know you do. But we can’t.”
“Why can’t we?”
“Because…”
“Because why?”
“I don’t have a condom.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Harleigh, are you on the pill now and just forgot to mention it to me?” He knew I wasn’t.
“No…”
“Then it does matter – a lot.”
“But, Shaun…”
He kissed my forehead.
“Harleigh, there is nothing more I would like to do than to make love to you right now. But I also don’t want to get castrated by Jon for getting you pregnant.”
He slowly got out of bed.
“Where are you going?”
“Cold shower.”
* * *
Drew had called that night.
I had lost track of what number fight it was with Beth.
“So what is it this time, Drew?”
“She just won’t compromise.”
“About?”
“About everything.”
“Like?”
“Like she always makes me wear a condom even though she’s on the pill.”
“Drew…”
“Harleigh, do you have any idea what a pain that is?”
“Not a clue.”
* * *
When I woke up Sunday morning, Shaun wasn’t beside me.
I had started making pancakes when he came through the door.
I blew him a kiss.
“Good morning, Shaun.”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me.
“Good morning, Harleigh.”
“Everything OK?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Usually you aren’t even awake at this time let alone out and about.”
“Mike needed my help.”
He sat d
own at the table.
“With what?”
“The dishes.”
He was grinning.
“How nice of you to help your brother with the dishes at 8 in the morning.”
“You want the truth?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, see there’s this girl Mike’s been in love with for almost three years.”
“Oh, I see. Any chance that I know her?”
“Maybe. Anyway, they haven’t you know but then she kind of surprised him because she wanted to, you know.”
“I know.”
“And he — Mike — wouldn’t because he wasn’t exactly prepared. And he couldn’t sleep last night because he’s worried she’s really mad at him about everything.”
“I’m not mad at you, Shaun.”
“Harleigh, I wanted you so much last night, but”
“I understand.”
“And you’re not mad?”
“I’m not mad. I’m glad one of us was thinking rationally.”
“So you’re ready?”
“I’m ready.”
“Harleigh, why didn’t you tell me you were ready or you were thinking about it or something?”
“I didn’t know how. And Rose told me I should wait until walking across the room didn’t make you out of breath.”
He was laughing.
“Rose is pretty smart, huh?”
“And I kind of wanted to surprise you.”
“Well, the hand down the boxers definitely surprised me.”
I threw a towel at him.
“How about doing some more dishes?”
He walked over and took me in his arms.
“How about we go and do some shopping?”
“Shopping? You want to go shopping?”
“Not just shopping, Harleigh, but shopping.”
I started to giggle.
“Oh, I see. Shopping.”
* * *
“Drew and Beth are fighting again, Shaun.”
“What is it this time?”
“Well, he’s mad at her because she wants him to wear a condom even though she’s on the pill.”
“Too much information.”
“Shaun…”
“So how was work today?”
“Shaun…”
“What?”
“I’m curious.”
“You’re curious?”
“Is it that much of a pain?”
“It’s been such a long time I forget.”
* * *
I drove us to a Rite-Aid about an hour from where we lived.
Then I offered to wait in the car. Shaun wouldn’t let me.
“You know, Harleigh, there are a bunch of stores that sell condoms a whole lot closer to where we live.”
“Shaun, shhhh.”
“Harleigh, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
We started walking down the aisles.
“Yes, there is.”
“What?”
“It’s like we’re broadcasting to the entire store that we’re having sex.”
“Harleigh, most likely they don’t care because they’re doing it, too.”
He took my hand.
We were there. The boxes hung in front of me.
I moved behind Shaun instead of beside him.
“Harleigh.”
“Hmmmm?”
“What do you want to get?”
“Ummm. I don’t care. You pick. I don’t know. Please, Shaun.”