He grabbed a box.
“We’ll get these. You OK?”
I looked at him.
“I’m OK.”
“Harleigh, we don’t have to do this. I can put this box back, and we can buy a magazine or something.”
“No, it just feels awkward, you know. Like when you’re a teenager and you’re buying tampons for the first time and you see the guy from school you like.”
“I’m going to pretend that you just didn’t say that to me.”
* * *
“Get this, Shaun. I have a Matthew Clark in my class next year.”
“OK. You have a Matthew Clark in your class next year. What am I missing?”
“Matthew Clark was my first real crush.”
“Harleigh, the kid’s not even 10 yet. There are laws against that.”
“Shaun…”
“Sorry.”
“He was one of Noah’s friends, and he worked at a video store during the summer.”
“Regular customer?”
“Every day.”
“Bet that wasn’t obvious.”
“I’m telling you, Shaun, he was molded from the same clay as the Greek gods.”
“Unnecessary description.”
“I kept every receipt he gave me in a little box.”
“I’m glad to find out now I’m seeing a nutcase.”
“Ahhh, he was perfect. I was going to marry him.”
“So what happened to good ol’ Matthew Clark?”
“He was gay.”
“Minor detail, Harleigh.”
“Minor.”
* * *
Shaun was pretty quiet on the ride home.
I put my hand on his knee.
“What are you thinking about, Shaun?”
“Us.”
“What about us?”
“Just how we’re getting back to being us.”
“Yeah, we are.”
“I thought for a while that you just felt sorry for me and would have felt too guilty to leave me.”
“Shaun…”
“But sometimes I would see the way you looked at me, maybe when you thought I was sleeping or you thought I wasn’t paying attention or something, and I knew we were gonna be OK.”
“We’re OK, Shaun.”
“Yeah, we are.”
“And now you’re going to be my sex slave.”
We were both laughing.
“I’m trying to share my emotions with you, Harleigh, and all you can think about is getting me in bed.”
“I’ve waited long enough. You’re the one, Shaun. You’re the only one.”
He just looked at me. He didn’t say anything.
And that made me nervous.
“So what if I turn into a sex maniac or something?”
“I have no problem with that, Harleigh.”
* * *
“I took a human sexuality class my senior year of college.”
Shaun laughed. He did anytime a variation of the word sex came out of my mouth.
“Giggle through the whole semester?”
“Yup.”
“From your seat in the back corner?”
“Yup.”
“Highest score in the class?”
“Yup.”
“It’s such a waste, Harleigh.”
“What’s a waste?”
“All that unused knowledge.”
* * *
My legs were tangled with his under the sheet that covered us.
My head rested on his chest. I could feel his heart racing.
He pushed my hair away from my face.
“Harleigh…”
“I love you, Shaun.”
“Was it…”
“It was perfect.”
“Are you OK?”
“I’m better than OK.”
“Are you sure you’re OK, Harleigh?”
“It was perfect.”
I looked up at him. His eyes were closed.
“Shaun, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I love you, Harleigh.”
“Are you OK? Was I too much for you?”
We both laughed.
“You know my doctor said no strenuous activity.”
“We’ll have to ask him about this at your next appointment.”
Shaun couldn’t stop laughing.
“Harleigh, you couldn’t even look at the boxes of condoms in the store. How are you going to ask my doctor if it’s OK for us to be sleeping together?”
I laughed as I propped myself up on my elbows to look at him.
I kissed him.
Then I don’t know where it came from.
“I’m not leaving you, Shaun, not ever.”
* * *
“I’m not leaving until you kiss me, Harleigh.”
“I’m not kissing you, Shaun.”
“I beat you fair and square at Scrabble, just admit it.”
“I will not.”
“Denial doesn’t suit you, Harleigh. Just admit defeat and give me a good night kiss.”
“You’ve never beaten me before — ever.”
“Pop goes the ego.”
I ignored him.
“So are you going to kiss me so I can leave?”
“I’m not kissing you.”
“Then I’m not leaving — ever.”
* * *
Rose kept staring at me as we ate lunch on Thursday.
“There’s something different about you, Miss Murphy.”
“I got a new shade of lipstick.”
“No, no, that’s not it. I think that you’re glowing.”
“Glowing?”
“Yes, glowing.”
“I don’t think I’m glowing.”
“Yes, you most definitely are. You’ve got the I’ve-just-made-love-with-Shaun-for-the-first-time glow.”
I didn’t say a word.
“I knew it. I knew you two did. I am so good. Well?”
“We did.”
I could feel myself blushing.
“And?”
“It was perfect, Rose. Shaun was just so… just so…”
“Just what? I’ve been waiting to hear about this for the last three years. I want details.”
“I don’t know. He just kept asking if I was OK, if he was hurting me, if it felt good. It was just really special.”
“I could just tell at the football game Friday. I just knew it was going to happen.”
“But Rose…”
“Oh no. But what?”
“Well, how do I know if it was good for him?”
“Did he tell you it was?”
“Yeah, but he’s been with so many other people, so many other more experienced people.”
“Harleigh, he loves you. He never loved any of them. There’s a huge difference between making love to someone and fucking someone.”
“Maybe I need to get an instructional book or something.”
We were laughing.
“You know what they say, practice makes perfect.”
“Oh, trust me, Rose, we’ve definitely been practicing.”
* * *
“Hey, Miss Murphy, I’ve got something for you.”
I looked at the page Rose had ripped out of a magazine.
“How to tell if he’ll be good in bed? What the heck, Rose?”
“Just answer the questions and add up the score.”
“I’m not doing this.”
“Come on, it’ll be fun. Let’s see if Mr. Parker knows how to work what he’s got.”
“I’m sure he knows how to work what he’s got. I’m the one who doesn’t.”
“I’m sure he’d be more than willing to teach you.”
* * *
Mike was leaving his apartment the same time I was that morning.
“Good morning, Harleigh.”
“Morning, Mike.”
“Shaun still sleeping?”
“He was awake long enough to tell me goodbye.”
“Harleigh,
he was asking me about it last night.”
“About what?”
“About the accident.”
“Ohhh.”
It was something he never asked about.
“I didn’t know what to tell him.”
“What was he asking?”
“About the other driver. What happened to his truck? Was there blood everywhere? Did we go and look at where it happened?”
“And?”
“And it’s really hard to tell your brother you saw the stain left on the road from his pool of blood.”
* * *
“So what happened today that you aren’t telling me about, Shaun?”
“What’re you talking about, Harleigh?”
“Come on. I know you.”
“You know me?”
“Yes, I know you, and you’re a million miles away right now. So what happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Shaun?”
“Mr. Lang called me today.”
Mr. Lang was a teacher in my school district. He had been Shaun’s baseball coach when he was in high school.
“And?”
“And I really don’t wanna talk about this.”
“Shaun…”
“Harleigh, I don’t wanna fight with you.”
“Then tell me why he called you, why you’re so upset that he called you.”
“He wants me to talk to some of his health classes about drinking. OK, are you happy now?”
I took his hand.
“Are you gonna?”
He wouldn’t look at me as he shook his head.
“I can’t.”
I leaned over and kissed his forehead.
“OK.”
“I just can’t. It’s just really hard. I don’t… I don’t know if I can.”
* * *
I was sitting on a bench in the park, waiting for Shaun to come out of his AA meeting.
He sat down beside me.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“You would do anything for me, right?”
“Anything.”
“Take me there.”
“Take you where?”
“Where it happened.”
“Shaun, I don’t…”
“No, Harleigh, I need to go.”
“But…”
“I tried to talk to Mike about it, but he got all weird on me. Please, Harleigh.”
“I just don’t…”
“Harleigh, I’m ready. I can handle this.”
“But I don’t know if I can.”
* * *
It was the day after Mr. Lang called Shaun.
“I’m gonna do it, Harleigh.”
“What?”
“I’m gonna talk to Mr. Lang’s classes.”
“Are you sure?”
He tried to smile.
“Not really.”
“What changed your mind?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I can help somebody before they get to where I got to. Maybe I need to do this for me. I don’t know.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“I was talking to some of the guys from my AA group, and they think I can do it, think I can handle it.”
* * *
Shaun’s eyes just stared out the window as I pulled off to the side of the road.
“You OK, Shaun?”
“So this is it?”
“This is it.”
“Can we get out?”
As we stood outside the car, I took his hand.
“Where did I? Where did my? Where did my truck end up?”
I pointed to a tree. You couldn’t even tell now.
“Over there.”
He didn’t say anything. So I did.
I wanted to fill in the missing pieces for him no matter how much it hurt for me.
“Your truck, Shaun, there just wasn’t hardly anything left of it. They found you there.” I pointed. “Mike and I came out a couple days after it happened, and there was still the stain from your blood on the road.”
He wrapped his arms around me.
“The people in that house heard it all. They called 911 and everything. When they saw you, they thought you were dead.”
He put my hand on his heart.
I started to cry.
“Harleigh…”
I didn’t stop.
“I don’t know what would have happened if I lost you, Shaun.”
“I’m right here.”
“I don’t know what would have happened if I lost you.”
part iv
It was the week before our anniversary.
Everything should have been perfect — should have been.
I was in the kitchen. Shaun was at Mike’s.
I heard the door open and then slam.
I heard the door open again.
I heard Mike’s voice.
“Shaun…”
“Leave me the hell alone, Mike.”
“Shaun, listen to me.”
“Get out.”
I went into the living room.
I had seen them fight before and knew it was best to stay out of it.
“Shaun, calm down and listen to me. Let me explain.”
“What are you going to explain?”
“Please, just listen to me.”
“Get out, Mike.”
I tried.
“Shaun, Mike, what’s going on?”
“He gave up on me. My own brother gave up on me just like he always fuckin’ does.”
“Harleigh, I didn’t…”
I went to Shaun’s side.
“Shaun, just relax, OK? You’re getting yourself all worked up.”
“You gave up on me again, Mike.”
“I didn’t give up on you.”
“You did. It’s always the same. It’s so easy for you to just give up on me. When I was trying to get clean. When I started dating Harleigh. You never thought that would last. Just leave. Get out of here.”
“God, Shaun, what is this really about? You know you almost died, you know that. Your doctor told me he didn’t think you’d make it 24 hours, didn’t think you’d make it through the night. What did you want me to do? Shaun, what did you want me to do?”
I saw the tears in both their eyes.
“I wanted you for once to not give up on me.”
“Shaun, I love you.”
They never told each other that.
“Don’t.”
“Shaun, you’re my only brother, and I love you.”
I watched Shaun’s eyes close and then the look that came across his face.
He half fell onto the couch. His head was in his hands.
“Fuck! Why is this happening? Fuck!”
I wrapped my arms around him.
“Mike, go get his medicine please.”
* * *
We had only been dating a couple months when I witnessed my first Parker brother fight.
Shaun was over watching a movie when Mike knocked on the door.
“Shaun, we need to talk now.”
“What?”
“Now. Outside.”
I just looked at them.
Through the crack they left the front door open, I could hear them.
“Joe Williams called me tonight, Shaun.”
“So Joe Williams called you tonight. What does that have to do with me?”
“Joe Williams called me tonight and told me he saw you last night at Ray’s. Were you there?”
“Yeah, but, Mike…”
“What the hell were you doing in a bar?”
“Mike, listen…”
“Why? Why would you be there?”
“Mike, listen to me.”
“You’ve been sober over a year now. I thought you wanted to stay clean. I really thought it was for good this time.”
“But…”
“God and what about Harleigh? Do you really think she’s gonna want to be with a drunk like you???
?
“Fuck you, Mike.”
“Don’t walk away from me, Shaun.”
“Tell Joe Williams and whoever the hell else you have spying on me that I didn’t drink a damn drop. It was a guy’s birthday from work, and we went out for dinner. I know it wasn’t the smartest idea to go there, but I didn’t do anything wrong. And the only damn thing I had to drink was water. Water, Mike.”
“Shaun…”
“Don’t. And you had to do this in front of Harleigh, didn’t you?”
“Shaun, I didn’t…”
“Go home, Mike.”
* * *
I got Shaun tucked into bed.
I found Mike sitting on the couch.
“It’s gonna be OK, Mike.”
“Is he OK?”
“He’s sleeping. How about some coffee?”
“Harleigh, about what he said…”
“Just forget it, Mike.”
“There’s nothing I want more than for you two to be happy.”
“I know that. So do you wanna tell me what that was all about?”
“I’m not real sure.”
“OK.”
“Right after the accident, when it didn’t look like there was any way Shaun was going to make it, I talked to a couple funeral homes you know about arrangements and stuff. It wasn’t like I wanted him to die or anything, I just… Anyway, he found some of the paperwork, brochures and stuff.”
“And he lost it?”
“Yup, he lost it. I didn’t give up on him, Harleigh. I didn’t do that.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“Why does he hate me so much?”
“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just going through something right now. You know, all the questions he’s been asking lately. He’s just trying to work some things out for himself.”
“Harleigh, I’ve just always tried to do what’s best for him, and he hates me for it.”
“Mike, I promise you he doesn’t hate you.”
“I gave him another headache.”
I grinned.
“OK, he might hate you – temporarily.”
* * *
After their fight about Joe Williams’ phone call, Shaun didn’t come back inside.
So I went to him.
“Shaun…”
“I’m sorry, Harleigh.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
“I promise I wasn’t drinking.”
“I believe you.”
“I wasn’t drinking. I promise.”
“Shaun, I believe you.”
“Mike he just… he just doesn’t give me any credit. I’m always going to be a fuck-up to him.”
“Shaun, he just worries about you.”
“Maybe he’s right.”
“What?”
“Why would you want to be with a drunk like me?”
* * *
I was curled up on the bed beside him as he slept.
He rolled over and looked at me as he woke up.
I kissed his forehead.
“Feeling better?”
He nodded.
“Good.”
“Where’s Mike?”
“He went back to his apartment.”
“Good.”
“Shaun, he loves you.”
“He was planning my funeral.”
“No one thought you were going to make it through those first couple days.”
“His life would be so much easier without me.”
“That’s not true, Shaun.”