“Maybe it would have been easier for everyone.”
I couldn’t stop the tears.
“You don’t mean that.”
* * *
Jon had been staying with Greg for a week. Shaun and I had gone up to visit one evening.
We fought the entire way home.
“Shaun, you know how Jon is.”
“Yeah, and so do you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What do you think it’s supposed to mean, Harleigh?”
“I don’t know.”
“The least you could do is stand up for me when he takes that fucking condescending tone with me.”
He tried to mimic Jon’s voice.
“Shaun, what do you think about the situation in Iraq? Or excuse me, is that above your construction-worker reading level?”
“He didn’t say that, Shaun.”
“He might as well have.”
“Why do you have to be like this?”
“Why do I have to be like what, Harleigh?”
“Such an ass.”
“Oh, I’m the ass now. I see. So it’s perfectly fine for your brother to treat me like a piece of shit, but when it pisses me off, I’m the ass?”
“You’re acting like an ass right now.”
“Fine. Maybe Jon’s right.”
“Whatever, Shaun.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t see each other.”
* * *
It was about 4:30 the next morning.
Shaun wasn’t in bed beside me.
“Shaun, honey, where are you?”
He didn’t answer.
“Shaun?”
I found him in the kitchen. His back was to me.
“I can’t get this damn bottle open.”
“Shaun, are you OK?”
“I can’t get this damn bottle open.”
I moved closer to him.
“Is it another headache?”
“I can’t get…”
I watched his fingers fumbling with the medicine bottle.
I ran my hand along his back.
“Shaun, let me help you. I’ll…”
“No, I can… I can…”
“Shaun…”
“Fuck!”
He threw the bottle across the room.
* * *
Shaun just dropped me off at my apartment, the night of the visit with Jon and Greg. No kiss. No good night.
He just waited for me to get out of his truck.
Then he drove off.
I called his cellphone.
It went straight to voicemail.
“Shaun, it’s me. Are you there?”
Nothing.
“I’m sorry about everything tonight. I know I shouldn’t let Jon treat you the way he does or say the things he says to you, but it’s just really hard.”
I waited to see if he was there.
Nothing.
“So, I love you. I hope you’re OK.”
Nothing.
“I love you, Shaun.”
* * *
Shaun didn’t wake up again until about 2.
He sat down on the couch beside me.
“You OK?”
“I feel like shit.”
“You don’t look too good.”
“Thanks.”
“Mike stopped by while you were sleeping.”
I waited for Shaun to say something. He didn’t.
“Shaun, he was worried about you.”
“Two days before my accident, Mike’s company offered him a promotion. The job was in Seattle.”
“What?”
“He was going to take it, too. Then this happened, and I messed things up for him again, Harleigh. I messed things up for him again.”
* * *
It was 5:30 the next morning when my phone rang.
“Harleigh?”
“Shaun?”
I was barely awake.
“Listen, I just called Jon.”
“Shaun, what’s going on?”
“I just called Jon and told him a bunch of reasons why I’m the perfect guy for you.”
“Sweetie…”
“I don’t want last night to mess things up with us.”
“Shaun…”
“I make killer steaks. I know all the words to ‘Turtle Power’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ – your two favorite songs. I’m a pretty funny guy. I don’t snore.”
“Shaun, what are you doing?”
“I’m going over my list with you.”
* * *
Through the window I could see Mike sitting out by the pool.
I went outside.
“Is this seat taken?”
“Hey, Harleigh. How’s Shaun?”
“Doing better, just a rough day. How are you?”
“I’m hanging in there.”
“Mike…”
“What?”
“Shaun told me about Seattle.”
“About Seattle? What about Seattle?”
“He said you were going to take a job there but then the accident happened and…”
“What? I wasn’t moving to Seattle. Yeah, they offered me the job, but I wasn’t going to take it. Is that really what he thinks?”
“He thinks he messed everything up again for you.”
“I didn’t want that job. And I don’t belong in Seattle. I belong here.”
* * *
“How did you end up here, Harleigh?”
“Here?”
“Yeah, here.”
We were in Shaun’s apartment.
“I drove my little silver car across Spring Street then turned right on…”
“You aren’t funny. I mean here, here in this town.”
“Well, I heard about a job opening when I graduated from school, and it seemed perfect.”
“What seemed perfect?”
“It’s such a good school. And it’s close to Greg, and Noah and Drew aren’t that far away. I don’t know. It just seemed right, you know.”
“Didn’t you ever just want to close your eyes and point to a spot on a map and go there, wherever it was?”
“Ummm, no. Did you?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
“When I first got clean, I thought it would be easier to do that. I thought I could just leave all that shit behind me.”
“What changed?”
“I realized no matter where I went I was gonna carry all this with me. And I realized I belonged here.”
“With me.”
“What?”
“You belong here with me, Shaun.”
* * *
When I got home from work Monday, Luis was in the kitchen. Shaun was in bed.
“Headache?”
“No, just tired. He had a rough day at therapy.”
“What happened, Luis? Is he OK?”
“He’s OK. But I don’t think he’s as OK as he’d like to be. You know what I mean?”
“So what do we do?”
“Keep telling him it’s going to be OK.”
“I think he’s getting tired of hearing that.”
* * *
“Mike just threw me out of his apartment.”
“What, Shaun? What happened?”
It was Mike’s 30th birthday. I was making dinner, and Shaun had picked a cake up after work.
“I told him he was acting more pathetic than a 16-year-old girl with a face covered in acne and a mouthful of braces who got stood up on prom night by the captain of the chess team.”
“Shaun…”
“He’s up there blabbering about how he’s going to be fat and old and bald and childless and wifeless for the rest of his life.”
“Awww. But he’s not fat, old or bald.”
“Yet.”
“You’re terrible.”
“I told him he had to get up off his fat, hairy, saggy ass and get out once in a while if he ever wanted to meet anybody.”
“You didn’t, did you?”
> “I did.”
“And?”
“That’s when he told me to get out.”
* * *
I sat on the bed beside him as he slept.
When his eyes opened, he looked up at me and smiled.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
I kissed his forehead.
“Hey, sleepyhead.”
He closed his eyes again.
“Rough day?”
“Real rough.”
“Wanna tell me about it?”
“Same shit as every other day.”
“Do you feel like eating some dinner?”
“Yeah, I think I do.”
“How about your favorite?”
“Are we talking about spaghetti and meatballs?”
“Yes, we are.”
“That would be terrific.”
“Great. I’ll go call Mike.”
“Harleigh…”
* * *
Spaghetti and meatballs was Shaun’s and Mike’s favorite thing for dinner. They had even given me their mom’s recipe.
I’m sure it wasn’t as good as what she made, but they both told me they loved it.
So that’s what I made for Mike’s birthday.
“Please tell me you didn’t get a cake.”
Shaun was in the kitchen lighting the 30 candles.
“It’s your birthday.”
“I’m just not in a very birthday-y mood.”
“What’s wrong?”
“My quarter-life crisis has been going on for the last five years. It’s never going to end.”
“Awww, Mike, you’ve got a great job. You’ve got me and Shaun.”
“I know.”
A shout from the kitchen.
“He’s lonely and horny, Harleigh.”
“Shut up, Shaun.” Mike grinned.
Shaun made his entrance with the cake and its 30 candles.
Mike took one look at it.
“Shit, you two.”
“I wanted to get you a prostitute for your birthday. But Harleigh said we had to get you something that wasn’t against the law.”
* * *
Shaun and Mike had not even looked at each other let alone talk to one another during dinner.
“So I’m going to go do the dishes and let the two of you talk.”
Shaun’s voice pulled me back.
“Harleigh, wait.
“I’m sorry that I’ve been such a dick to both of you lately. I don’t know… I just… It’s been hard… I’m sorry.”
“Shaun, about the funeral stuff…”
“Don’t, Mike. I understand. I just want things to be how they were before any of this.”
“They’re getting there, Shaun.” Mike tried to smile at him.
“Not fast enough.”
* * *
It was about a week after Mike’s 30th birthday.
“If I was a woman, I’d enter a convent.”
“Mike, you don’t mean that.”
“I’m lonely, Harleigh.”
Shaun was at his AA meeting, and Mike had come over.
“I’m sorry.”
“For so long I was worried about my job and getting promoted and all that shit. Then I was worried about Shaun and helping him get clean and then helping him stay clean. Now I don’t have any of that stuff to worry about.”
“And?”
“And I feel kinda empty.”
“Are you over Meghen?”
“Yeah, I think I am — finally.”
“There’s this new librarian at the school.”
“A librarian?”
“No, Mike, she’s not just a librarian. She’s kind of a seductive librarian.”
* * *
I got a message to call Mike during my break period.
He had taken Shaun to see Dr. Moore about his hand that morning.
“It’s not good, Harleigh.”
“What happened?”
“He wants to operate on Shaun’s hand, get a little bit more fine movement back.”
“Does he think it’ll help?”
“He said Shaun would probably get about 75 percent of the use of his hand back without it, and probably all of it with it.”
“What’s the problem then?”
“Shaun won’t have it.”
* * *
“Do you know how much work it took for me to get Shaun to agree to meet you?”
“What are you talking about, Mike?”
“You weren’t the only one resisting my Cupid tendencies.”
“Your Cupid tendencies?”
“Yeah, give me some credit. I’m the reason you two are together.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Thank you.”
“So Shaun didn’t want to meet me?”
“Nope, not at first.”
“And why not?”
“Because…”
“Because why?”
“Because I had tried to hook him up with this girl I worked with, and she was just a little bit different.”
“How different, Mike?”
“She made him come over and watch six hours of a Golden Girls marathon with her.”
“Classic.”
“Needless to say, he wasn’t too trusting after that.”
“I’ve only ever made him watch a ‘Murder, She Wrote’ marathon.”
* * *
Shaun was watching a talk show when I got home from work.
“What’re you watching?”
“One of those ‘Who’s the daddy of my baby’ things. That girl in the red’s got it narrowed down to five guys — five guys.”
His attempt at hiding how upset he was didn’t work.
“So how’d your doctor’s appointment go today?”
“I’m not having it, Harleigh.”
“Shaun…”
“Please don’t do this to me.”
I turned the TV off and took his hand.
“Shaun, listen to me, please. Mike told me that you’d get full use of your hand back.”
“I’m not having it.”
“Why?”
“Don’t you think they’ve cut me up enough already?”
“Shaun…”
“I don’t want to go back to that hospital.”
“It won’t be for that long, only a couple days probably.”
“I’m so scared, Harleigh.”
I could see the tears forming in the corners of his eyes.
“Shaun, shhhh. Just relax. Mike and Kristin and I, we’ll all be right there.”
“What if I never get better?”
“You’re getting better every day.”
He wiped his eyes with his sleeve.
“God, I’m such a mess. What’s been wrong with me lately?”
“So you’ll have it?”
He nodded.
“But I really liked having you button and unbutton my shirts and jeans for me — especially my jeans.”
“We’ll work something out.”
* * *
“Mike is such a tool.”
Shaun had barged into my apartment.
“What happened? What’s wrong?”
“He wants to sell it. The fucker wants to sell it.”
“What does he want to sell?”
“Our house.”
“Ohhhh.”
Shaun and Mike owned their parents’ house. Because neither of them wanted to take care of the huge house and its acres of land, they rented it out.
“The family who was living there moved out last month. And we haven’t found anybody else interested in renting.”
“So Mike wants to sell and you don’t?”
“No, I don’t. That’s our house. I grew up in that house.”
“I know.”
“I don’t know what’s going on with me. But I’m feeling really emotionally attached to things like that house. I’m having issues or something.”
“You aren’t having issues. It’s normal.”
&n
bsp; “Harleigh, I want to move into that house.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, not today or tomorrow or next week or whenever, but someday I want to move into that house.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I’m sure you and Mike can work something out.”
“I’m gonna buy his half from him.”
“Shaun…”
“I want that house.”
* * *
Shaun sat on the exam room table in Dr. Moore’s office.
I stood beside him, holding his hand.
“Like I told Shaun and Mike, there’s still a little bit of damage in his right hand. I think if we operate, we can get him full use of his hand back.”
“So his therapy sessions aren’t enough?”
“He’s made a lot of progress there, but I don’t think he’s going to regain full use of his hand without this operation. But the decision is entirely up to Shaun.”
We both looked at him.
“How long will I have to stay in the hospital?”
“If everything goes OK, just overnight.”
“Just overnight?”
“Just overnight. Then we’ll send you back home to Harleigh, who I know will take excellent care of you.”
“So when do we do this?”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
* * *
Shaun had shown me the house where he had grown up before, but he had never been able to take me inside because it had never been empty before.
We sat on the front porch for a while.
“I fell down these steps when I was six and busted my lip open.”
“Awww.”
My arms wrapped around him as I kissed his cheek.
“I told my mom Mike pushed me.”
“Shaun…”
“He got grounded from the TV for a week.”
“You two would have fit in perfectly with my brothers.”
He stood up, holding onto my hand.
“Ready to go inside?”
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
“This is my house, Harleigh.”
* * *
I went up to Mike’s apartment to tell him about our appointment with Dr. Moore.
“So he’s going to have it?”
“Yup.”
“How’s he holding up?”
“He’s scared, and he doesn’t want to go back to the hospital.”
“Would you?”
“Never.”
* * *
“Mike, I wanna buy the house.”
It was about two weeks before the accident.
“Shaun…”
“Don’t, Mike. I wanna buy it. I’ll pay you for your half.”
“Shaun, what are you going to do with a house?”
“I’m gonna fix it up, and someday I’m gonna move into it. What the hell do you think I’m going to do with it?”
“You don’t know what you’re getting into.”
“I wanna settle down, Mike.”
Shaun was looking at me.
Mike was looking at me.
I was still trying to mentally digest “settle down.”
* * *
Rose and I were sitting in the teachers’ lounge.
“So how’s the patient?”
“Tired of being a patient, I think.”
“Ready to resume his boyfriend position.”
“Resume it? He hasn’t lost it.”
“But he feels like he has.”
“Why should he?”
“Harleigh, he loved taking care of you, protecting you. Harleigh’s sink needs fixed. I better check out Harleigh’s car before she goes to see Greg. Harleigh is this delicate little flower that I must protect from everything.”