“Shaun…”
He came over and put his finger against my lips.
“Shhh. We’ll clean up later.”
He pulled me against him, and we started to dance.
For a while, neither of us spoke. He just held me close, and my head rested on his shoulder.
“You’re perfect, Harleigh.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You know it’s useless to argue with me.”
“I know.”
“Harleigh…”
“Hmmm?”
“I wanted to end this, end us.”
I pulled away and looked up at him, trying not to cry.
“What?”
He pulled me back against him and kissed the top of my head.
“When I was in the hospital, I didn’t want to put you through all that shit. Every day you were there. And every day you looked so sad. And I felt like it was all my fault. I thought”
“I love you, Shaun. I wouldn’t have left you.”
“I felt like I was keeping you from being happy. And I didn’t know if I was going to get better or how long it was going to take or if I could ever be the guy you fell in love with again.”
“I wouldn’t have left you.”
“But, Harleigh, we’re gonna be OK. We’re really gonna be OK.”
“I know we are.”
“And I’m getting stronger every day. Some days now I only have to take two naps.”
He was grinning.
* * *
The morning after Drew and Beth’s sex marathon, Greg and I went out for a walk before anyone else was awake.
“Did you and Shaun get any sleep last night?
“You mean with the sex fest going on next door?”
“That’s Drew.”
“Yeah, that’s Drew.”
“Harleigh, I’m glad you and Shaun came this weekend.”
“It meant a lot to Shaun that you would want him here.”
“I know Jon has some issues with him, but he’s such a good guy.”
“I love him so much, Greg.”
“It shows.”
“What?”
“The way you two look at each other, that’s what they make great movies about.”
* * *
It wasn’t like I turned into a sex addict or anything after that first time with Shaun. But we kind of were trying to make up for lost time.
And thinking that first time with him was amazing, I had no idea.
Shaun rolled over beside me. I could see his chest heaving.
“You OK, Shaun?”
His eyes were glazed over as he nodded at me.
“Did I wear you out?”
I couldn’t help snickering.
“I don’t think… I don’t think I’ve… I don’t…”
“Speechless? Have I made you speechless, Shaun?”
He pulled me close and started to kiss my chest.
“Making love to you is better than I ever imagined, and I had to imagine for close to three years so you can imagine what I imagined or something like that.”
“Thanks for waiting for me.”
“Harleigh?”
“Hmmm?”
“Did you ever think about it?”
“About what?”
I was getting nervous.
“About maybe the two of us, you know, having kids?”
So we were going to skip the marriage question and go right to the children. I was confused.
“Yeah, I have.”
“Me, too.”
I looked at him.
“You have?”
“It’s weird, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”
I had been, too.
“Really?”
“I know for a lot of my life I was pretty messed up. But I don’t think I would damage a kid too bad.”
“You’ll make a great dad.”
What I wanted to say was husband.
* * *
Greg, Shaun and Drew had gone fishing.
Ann and I were sitting by the lake.
“Harleigh, I have to be honest with you. When I first met Shaun, when I first heard about Shaun, I never thought it would last between the two of you.”
“I think everybody felt that way.”
“I thought he had too much baggage for you, too many issues, too many problems he had to work out.”
“Me too. When I found out about everything, there was a part of me that just wanted to call it quits even before anything really got started, pack my bags and head for the convent.”
“Harleigh, sweetie…”
“But that would have been the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”
* * *
When I woke up the next morning, Shaun was watching me. Usually it was the other way around.
He kissed my forehead.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.”
“Morning.”
“You look beautiful.”
“Shaun…”
He put his finger on my lips and then started planting kisses down my chest and stomach.
I felt his fingers tug at my panties.
“Harleigh, is this OK?”
“Mmmm hmmmm.”
Word formation was not an option at this point.
What followed was what I later described to Rose as a blissful combination of tongue and fingers.
My fingers ran through Shaun’s hair.
“Shaun, mmmm, omigod.”
When Shaun resumed his place lying beside me, I looked into his eyes.
They looked alive.
“Shaun…”
His arms wrapped around me.
“Sorry. I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to keep my hands off you today.”
He was grinning.
* * *
Drew and I were doing the dishes after dinner. Everyone else was outside on the porch.
“You and Beth have a good time last night?”
I was trying not to snicker.
“Yeah, we did. Thanks for asking.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“You know, Harleigh, I would have expected to hear similar sounds coming from you guys’ room. You know Ann and Greg are an old married couple. But you and Shaun, there’s no excuse for you guys.”
“Drew…”
“Come on, Harleigh. What are you waiting for?”
“What do you mean what am I waiting for?”
“I know you aren’t that naïve. Why aren’t you fucking him?”
“I’m not talking to you if you’re going to be so rude and crude.”
“He loves you, Harleigh. It’s not like you’re going to sleep with him and wake up and he’s gone.”
“It’s just different. You don’t understand.”
“Tell me. How’s it different?”
“Because for you, sex is just like kissing someone good night. For me, it still it still has some kind of special significance.”
“Special significance?”
“Shaun and I have a real relationship.”
“I’m happy for you. And I bet knowing that he has a ‘real relationship’ is super comforting to Shaun when his cock’s hard.”
* * *
I found Shaun in the kitchen making omelets.
I came up and wrapped my arms around him.
“That smells amazing.”
“I thought you might be hungry this morning, Harleigh.”
He looked happy – really happy.
“I’m starving.”
I got some plates and glasses out of the cupboard.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“Are you sure we have to go back today?”
There was nothing I wanted more than to stay there forever with him.
“Sorry, cutie. I’ve got work, and Friday…”
“No, don’t say it. I know what Friday is. But let’s not think about it now. OK?”
“OK.”
??
?Let’s just think about how we are going to eat this wonderful breakfast. And then…”
“And then what?”
“And then I am going to take you back upstairs and make love to you.”
He leaned into me, pressing me up against the refrigerator, and kissed me.
“I don’t think we’re going to make it through breakfast or back upstairs, Shaun.”
* * *
I was giving Shaun a backrub.
All was quiet in Drew and Beth’s room for the time being.
“Shaun, are you satisfied?”
“Am I satisfied with what? With this backrub? Yes, it’s amazing.”
“No, are you sexually satisfied?”
He rolled over. I was sitting on his stomach as he took ahold of my hands.
“What are you talking about?”
“Do you feel like there’s a void in our relationship because we aren’t sleeping together?”
“No.”
He pushed the hair away from my face.
“Harleigh, what’s going on?”
“I was talking with Drew.”
“The walking hormone.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Harleigh, I never imagined I would be dating someone for more than a year, really actually more than a couple months or weeks really, and not be sleeping with them, but…”
I started to cry. He pulled me down so I my head rested on his chest. He kissed my forehead.
“You need to let me finish, OK?”
“OK.”
“But then I met you. And, I love you. I love just being with you or talking with you or joking around with you.”
“I love you too. But I just don’t want to be ripping you off.”
“Ripping me off?”
“A girlfriend without the sex.”
* * *
It was early evening.
Our bags were in the car.
Shaun was sitting on the porch swing.
I cuddled up beside him.
“Thank you, Harleigh.”
“For what?”
“For this. This weekend was perfect.”
“We needed this.”
“Are we OK, Harleigh? You know, are we really OK?”
“Of course, we are.”
“It’s just that I always thought my drinking or the stupid shit I’ve done would be why we fell apart. I didn’t think it would be some car accident.”
“Shaun, we aren’t falling apart.”
“I know that. I mean, deep down I know that. But how much more can you take? How much more can I expect you to take?”
“It’s all part of the deal.”
“What deal?”
“The in sickness and in health deal.”
His arms wrapped around me.
* * *
Shaun was putting our stuff in his truck.
I was saying goodbye to Greg.
“You’re my favorite little sister, Harleigh.”
“I’m your only little sister.”
“That’s irrelevant.”
“We had a great time this weekend. Thanks for everything.”
“You guys are welcome here anytime.”
“That means a lot.”
“Take good care of him. He’s looking a little bit skinny. You might need to do some more cooking.”
He was laughing as he hugged me.
“Look at him, Greg.”
“I know.”
“He’s just so perfect.”
“He loves you, Harleigh.”
* * *
We had stopped for gas on our way home.
I had gone inside to grab two bottles of pop. And when I came back out, Shaun was in the driver’s seat.
About a month ago, Shaun’s doctor said it would be OK for him to start driving again.
Shaun didn’t want to.
I got in on the passenger’s side.
“Shaun?”
“I’m ready, Harleigh.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure. Buckle up. It’s been awhile.”
I looked at how tightly his fingers were wrapped around the steering wheel.
“We need to get you a new truck.”
“No.”
“No what?”
“I want an SUV, more room.”
“More room for what?”
He was grinning.
“Our kids.”
“We don’t have any kids.”
“Not yet. But we will.”
I noticed how he slowed down whenever a car came toward us.
“You’re doing great, Shaun.”
“I’m ready to go back to work.”
“What?”
Driving was one thing. Working construction was another.
“Well, not work work. But they told me when I was ready, I could come back and work in the office. Maybe only for a couple hours a day at first, but I think I can do it.”
I ran my hand along the side of his face.
“That sounds good.”
“And I want to sign up for school again, take a class or two.”
“Shaun…”
“And I want to…”
“Shaun, shhh. Let’s just take it slow.”
* * *
“November Rain” came on the radio during our trip home.
“Do you hear this, Harleigh? It must be the ‘November Rain’ weekend.”
He turned the radio up.
“My brothers like you so much.”
He turned and smiled at me.
“I am a charmer, aren’t I?”
“Yup, you are, Mr. Parker.”
“And you know what, Harleigh?”
“What?”
“Eventually Jon will fall victim to my charm.”
“Oh really?”
“Really. It’s inevitable.”
* * *
We got back to the apartment at about 10.
The light was on in Mike’s apartment, and we decided to let him know we were back.
He sat on the couch, holding Kristin.
Shaun stood in the doorway, holding me.
“So did you guys have a good weekend?” Mike smiled at us.
Shaun pulled me closer.
“It was perfect.” I could hear the happiness in Shaun’s voice.
I thought I saw Mike trying to look at my hand.
Maybe I was seeing things.
“Shaun drove part of the way home.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
Mike looked like he wanted to hug his brother.
I knew how he felt.
“Well, you know, how was it? How did it feel?”
“God, Mike, it’s not like I had sex for the first time. I just drove again.”
“I’m proud of you.”
* * *
Shaun had just finished watching a football game at Mike’s.
When he came down to my apartment, he was laughing.
“What are you laughing at, silly boy?”
“I think there’s something wrong with Mike.”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“We were watching the game all normal and stuff, and then he puts the TV on mute. And he turns and looks at me with this really weird look.”
“Is he OK?”
“He was just like, ‘Shaun, I want you to know how proud I am of you and how much I love you.’ What the hell?”
“Awww.”
“And then he hugged me. He hugged me.”
“He loves you.”
“It was just so random, so weird.”
“Next week.”
“What about next week?”
“Three years, Shaun.”
“It’s no big deal.”
“It’s a huge deal.”
“But he hugged me, Harleigh.”
I wrapped my arms around him.
“What did you tell him?”
“I told him to quit acting like an idiot and unmute the TV because we’d just
missed a huge interception.”
* * *
“What the hell did Mike mean he was proud of me?”
Shaun and I were lying in bed.
I rolled over and rested my head on Shaun’s chest.
“Well, you know you haven’t driven since…”
I couldn’t finish.
“Since the accident. It’s OK. You can say it. It’s not like I don’t know what happened.”
“Since the accident.”
It was hard enough to think about let alone say out loud sometimes.
“I’m sorry, Harleigh. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“I was really proud of you too, Shaun.”
“I just want everything to go back to normal. But I have to go and have this fuckin’ surgery on Friday, and everything is gonna be messed up again.”
* * *
“Shaun, can I ask you something?”
“Are Mike and I really brothers? Sometimes I think he’s adopted.”
“No.”
“Of course, ask away.”
“Sometimes do you still wanna drink or have the urge to or am I making any sense at all?”
“Yeah, you’re making sense. And, yeah, I still do.”
“You do?”
“I do. Maybe when it’s been a really rough day or things just aren’t going the way I want them to… I don’t know. Sometimes it just hits me.”
“But what keeps you from doing it?”
“I look at everything I have, everything I would lose if I let that shit mess my life up again.”
* * *
Thursday night we tried to go to bed early. It didn’t work.
Shaun seemed a mile away as he lay in the bed with me.
“Shaun, you need to try to get some sleep.”
“I can’t sleep, not tired.”
“Are you scared?”
He didn’t answer.
“Shaun, don’t be scared. I’m gonna be there and Mike and Kristin. And…”
“I hate hospitals. Ever since my mom died, I’ve hated them.”
“I know. But, Shaun, tomorrow is going to be nothing compared to everything else you’ve been through.”
He turned his head and looked at me.
“Promise me you won’t cry tomorrow, Harleigh.”
“I promise.”
* * *
Last summer Noah messed up his knee water skiing.
He had to have surgery so I went to take care of him for a week.
He wasn’t just my brother. He was one of my best friends.
And as soon as I saw him in that hospital bed, I started to cry.
“There will be no crying in my hospital room, Harleigh.”
I hugged him as best I could.
“How’re you doing, Noah?”
“I feel like a piece of shit, but I’m super glad you’re here.”
“You’re stuck with me for a week.”
“I think they should have just cut my entire leg off. It would’ve hurt less.”
I took his hand.
“You’re gonna be fine.”
“I’m glad you’re here, Harleigh.”
“Anything for you.”
“Actually I’m just glad you’re here because of who my other options were. Dr. Jon who would be telling my doctor how to do her job. Drew who would be trying to get my doctor in bed or a janitorial closet. Or Greg who would try to hide his wedding ring and secretly check out my doctor. You’re the best of the bunch.”
“That means a lot.”