“I brought some of your favorite movies.
“We can spend the day watching them.
“What do you say?”
I had walked over to window to let some light in, and it scared me.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
It was soft and weak, but it was his voice.
I went back over to his side and tried to wipe the tears from my eyes.
“Hey what?”
“I love you.”
* * *
My brother Greg and his wife, Ann, had just had their second baby, Mona. Jack was three.
Shaun and I had gone to visit them and offered to watch the kids so they could go out for the night.
I sat on the couch holding Mona. Jack had fallen asleep on Shaun’s lap. Shaun looked afraid to move.
“Shaun, why don’t you take Jack up to bed?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, just pick him up and carry him up the stairs. You can do it.”
He tried not to wake him, but Jack’s sleepy eyes looked up at him.
Jack kissed Shaun’s cheek.
“Love you, Shaun.”
Shaun wrapped his arms around him and carried him upstairs.
“Love you too, little guy.”
When he came back downstairs, he was grinning.
“I tucked him in and everything.”
“He likes you a lot.”
“That’s because I’m just a little kid, too.”
I stood up.
“Here, hold Mona while I go get her bottle.”
“Harleigh, I don’t think I should.”
“What?”
“She’s so tiny. I might break her.”
“You’re crazy. Sit down.”
He sat down, and I put her in his arms.
She yawned and stretched her arms out.
“Harleigh, look at how little her fingers are. And she doesn’t have any teeth.”
“Most babies her age don’t, silly boy.”
“I’ve never held a baby before.”
I came back with the bottle.
Mona was asleep in his arms.
“You have a way with her.”
“I have a way with all the women.”
He was grinning.
* * *
Shaun had just fallen asleep so I went out into the hall to call Jon.
“Jon, are you busy?”
“No, I just finished with a patient. How’s your patient doing?”
“I think he’s doing pretty good.”
“I really didn’t think he was going to make it.”
“He’s talking a little bit to us now, not a lot but a little bit.”
“That’s a good sign. How are you holding up?”
“I’m OK.”
“Harleigh, he’s got a long road ahead of him – and he’s going to need you so much. He’s still got to heal and then physical therapy. Some of the hard stuff is just beginning.”
“Will you call Mike tomorrow after his doctor visits and translate it all for me?”
“You got it.”
* * *
My brother Drew was the closest in age to me after Noah. He was the one who got along with Shaun the best.
Drew had come to spend a week with me, and we had gone over to Shaun’s for dinner.
Drew and Shaun were outside talking. I could hear them, and maybe I shouldn’t have listened but I did.
“So things are going well with you and Harleigh?”
“Yeah, things are really good now. Your sister’s amazing.”
“She really loves you.”
“Sometimes I wonder why or what I did to deserve her.”
“Don’t do that, Shaun.”
“But there’s just so much shit, basically all the reasons that Jon hates me.”
Drew and Jon never had the best relationship.
“What does Jon know? Is the guy even married?”
I heard Shaun laugh.
“That’s a good point.”
“Besides you’ve got me, Noah and Greg.”
“What about you? How are things with Beth?”
“Not good. I’m not ready to be serious, serious yet.”
“I never thought I would be”
“Until you met Harleigh?”
“Yeah, until I met Harleigh.”
* * *
“You know, Shaun, you weren’t nearly as handsome when they first brought you in here.”
He tried to give me a smile.
“I still loved you, though.”
I took his hand and held it against my face.
“I’ve missed having my Shaun around.”
“I’m here.”
I smiled.
“Yup, you’re here. Did you know I was here with you all along?”
He nodded.
“Did you know Jon was here, too?”
He shook his head.
“You’ve had a lot of visitors. You’re a pretty popular guy.”
His eyes were starting to close.
I kissed his forehead.
“And a pretty sleepy one.”
* * *
I had heard Shaun talk about his friends at work. But I had never met them. I didn’t know whether Shaun was trying to hide me or them.
“Shaun, why don’t we have a cookout and invite your friends from work over?”
“Nahh, I don’t think so.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“Why what? What’s going on, Harleigh?”
“It’s just that you’re always telling me about them and stuff, but I’ve never met them.”
“They just aren’t… I don’t know. I just don’t think it’s a great idea.”
“But they’re your friends.”
“I work with them. You’ve met my friend friends.”
“Well, I wanna meet your work friends.”
“But I’m afraid of what you’ll think.”
* * *
Shaun’s doctor wanted to meet with Mike and me.
I wasn’t sure about what. And that kind of scared me.
Dr. Matthews looked at both of us.
“Don’t look so scared. This is a good talk, not a bad one.”
We both smiled.
“I just wanted to talk to you about Shaun’s progress. He’s doing great. His recovery has actually really surprised me.”
Mike looked at him.
“He’s gonna be fine, though, right?”
“It’s looking like he’s going to make close to a full recovery.”
“Close to? What does that mean?” There was panic in Mike’s voice.
“Mike, you know I can’t promise you anything. Shaun’s showing improvement every day. But he’s not just going to wake up one morning and be exactly how he was before the accident.”
Mike asked what we were both thinking.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s going to take some time. He’s going to have to go through a lot of therapy. It could be months. It could be a year. It could be years. I don’t know.”
“Mike and I are both ready to be there for him for as long as it takes.”
“He’s going to need both of you.”
I knew it wasn’t the smartest question, but I still had to ask it.
“Dr. Matthews, when can he come home?”
“Not for a while yet, Harleigh, not for a while.”
* * *
Shaun was helping me make Christmas cookies for a party we were having at my apartment.
“Shaun, you’re not eating those cookies are you?”
He tried to talk with his mouth full.
“Of course not.”
“Your job is to ice them not eat them.”
“Icing them is hard work. It’s making me hungry.”
I turned around in time to see him putting another cookie in his mouth.
“I caught you.”
He chewed and swallowed as fast as he could.
“What? What did you catch me doing?”
I wiped a glop of icing away from the corner of his mouth.
“Look at this.”
He stuck his finger in the frosting and wiped it across my neck.
“Shaun, really?”
“Look at this, Harleigh. I better do something about it.”
He started to kiss my neck.
“Shaun…”
“You just had some frosting on you.”
“I wonder how it got there.”
“I don’t know, but I’m glad I could help you get it off.”
“I bet you are.”
“Do I need a piece of mistletoe to make you kiss me, Harleigh?”
“I’ve got cookies in the oven.”
“They aren’t done yet.”
“But they will be in a little while.”
“So I can kiss you for a little while.”
“I’m going to tell Santa you’ve been a very naughty boy.”
“You do that. I’ve already got everything I want.”
* * *
I thought Shaun was sleeping so his voice surprised me.
“Harleigh…”
“Hey, it’s late. You should be sleeping.”
“My hand…”
“I know.”
“I can’t move it.”
“I know.”
“I can’t move it.”
“Shhh... relax. It’s gonna be OK.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah, I promise.”
“I’m not tired.”
I smiled.
“That’s because you sleep all day, silly boy.”
“Hey Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“Will you hold my hand?”
* * *
I can remember the first time Shaun held my hand almost as clearly as the first time he kissed me.
We had gone to a movie and then to the park for a walk.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey, what?”
“Did you like the movie?”
I didn’t think that was his intended question.
“Yeah, what about you?”
“Yeah, I did. Soooo…”
“Sooo, Shaun…”
“Maybe we can do something again… sometime… soon.”
“I think I’d like that.”
“OK.”
“OK.”
He didn’t say anything. But I felt his hand brush up against mine and then take ahold of it.
I stopped walking.
“Harleigh…”
I just looked at his hand holding mine.
“Harleigh, what’s wrong?”
“You’re holding my hand.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have”
“No, I don’t want you to let go.”
“OK.”
“I like that you’re holding my hand.”
“Good, I thought I was going to get Maced or something.”
* * *
I held it behind my back.
His eyes were open, but he wasn’t smiling when I came through the door.
“I’ve got a surprise for my favorite patient.”
“For me?”
His face was filled with pain.
“You OK, Shaun? What’s wrong?’
“It just hurts.”
“What hurts? Do you need me to get a nurse?”
“No.”
“Shaun, are you OK?”
“What about my surprise?”
“Do you feel up to eating a Popsicle?”
“Are you gonna help me?”
I sat down on the edge of his bed.
“You know I will.”
* * *
My class had voted on having a roller-skating party for our end-of-the-year celebration. It was on a Saturday so Shaun offered to come along and help. He didn’t tell me he had never skated before.
My class was in the middle of the rink doing the Hokey Pokey.
I sat down on a bench beside Shaun.
“Sweetie, you aren’t skating.”
“I don’t want to bust out my skills quite yet.”
“You can’t skate can you?”
“No.”
“You can’t skate?”
“No, and can you please not say it any louder? I’ve got an image to maintain.” He was grinning.
“How could you have never learned to skate?”
“I don’t know. Mike was like the roller-skating king. I wanted my own identity or something like that.”
“You’re full of it. Come on. We’re getting you some skates right now.”
“Harleigh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“All these little kids will be zooming past me.”
“I’ll make sure they don’t knock you over.”
* * *
Mike was avoiding telling me something.
I could tell when he did it. I could tell when Shaun did it.
“Out with it, Mike.”
“Out with what?”
“Whatever it is that you’re not telling me.”
“You’re good, Harleigh.”
“I know.”
“Dr. Matthews thinks it might be a good idea for Shaun to start seeing a counselor.”
“What? Why?”
“I guess kind of as a proactive measure. He said when recovery takes as long as it’s going to in Shaun’s case that there usually tends to be some kind of depression, and you know, with Shaun’s past and everything he thinks it would be a good idea.”
“What do you think?”
“I think Shaun and counselors just don’t get along too well.”
“What do you mean?”
“It was almost impossible to find one that he would go to and talk to when he was trying to get clean.”
“I don’t think he’s going to need one.”
“You don’t?”
“He’s got us.”
* * *
It was during the first year we were dating. I saw Shaun’s truck at his apartment when I was driving home from work. I decided to stop.
When he answered the door, his eyes were red.
I took him in my arms.
“Hey, sweetie. What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I’m fine. Come in.”
All the lights in his apartment were off. All the curtains were closed.
“Shaun, what’s going on?”
“Today’s the day she died.”
His mom.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“I know. I didn’t tell you.”
“What can I do? Do you want to talk? I’ll listen.”
“I miss her every day, but today more than any other.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Harleigh, I don’t want to dump all this on you.”
“That’s what I’m here for.”
* * *
Mike was waiting outside Shaun’s room.
“What’s going on in there? His doctor?”
Mike grinned and shook his head.
“Our patient isn’t a very happy camper right now.
“They’re giving him a bath or something like that.”
I giggled.
“Ohhh, I see.”
“You know that’s a big deal for a guy not to be able to do stuff like that.”
“I don’t know from personal experience, but I can understand.”
The nurses came out looking a bit frazzled. Mike looked at them.
“Can we go in now?”
“He’s all yours.”
His head was turned, looking out the window. His tears were falling on the pillow. And he was shaking.
Mike tried first.
“Look at you; they got you all spiffied up for Harleigh here. Got you all shaved and everything.”
Shaun didn’t say anything. Mike just looked at me, not knowing what to do.
I bent over and kissed Shaun’s che
ek.
“Shaun, what’s wrong?”
“Everything.”
I took his hand.
“I love you.”
“I wanna go home. I just wanna go home.”
* * *
Greg was having surgery and was going to be in the hospital for about a week. Jack was going to stay with us, and Mona was going to stay with Ann’s sister.
Jack hadn’t let go of Shaun since we picked him up.
Shaun had put him to bed about an hour ago and was holding me on the couch when Jack ran into the room. He jumped up into Shaun’s arms.
“Hey, buddy, what’s wrong?”
Jack was crying.
“I want my daddy.”
“Your daddy’s not feeling too good right now.”
“I wanna go home.”
Shaun pulled him closer.
“Don’t you want to stay here with me and Harleigh for a while?”
Jack shook his head.
“But we were gonna go to the park and the zoo and the beach.”
“The beach?”
“Yup, the beach.”
“With sand?”
“Yup, with sand.”
Jack was starting to smile.
“Can I bury you, Shaun?”
Shaun lifted Jack up above his head.
“Can you bury me? Is that what you asked me?”
Jack was giggling too hard to answer.
“How about we bury Harleigh?”
“Let’s bury Aunt Harleigh!”
Shaun turned and grinned at me.
“What do you say, Harleigh?”
With both of them smiling at me, it was hopeless.
* * *
During most of our relationship, it seemed like it was hard to find a time when Shaun wasn’t smiling.
Now it seemed hard to find anything that could make him smile.
“Shaun, do you want me to open your curtains? It’s so pretty out today.”
“No.”
“Do you want me to go get you some juice?”
“No.”
“I love you.”
He didn’t say anything.
I moved to his side.
“You know that, right?”
He closed his eyes.
“Shaun, I love you.”
“How?”
“How what?”
“How can you love me like this?”
* * *
It was a couple weeks before Shaun’s accident. Rose and I were in the teachers’ lounge.
“Harleigh, what’s wrong? Did you sleep at all last night?”
“I’m fine.”
“Did you and Shaun have another fight?”
I nodded.
“You guys have been fighting an awful lot lately. What’s up?”
“I don’t know. He’s been on this kick lately about how I can’t really love him because he’s a construction worker, because of the drinking and drugs, because of... he just makes up the dumbest reasons.”
“What was it last night?”
“Jon called, and he answered the phone.”
“Not good, huh?”
“I thought we were past this. I thought he knew how much I loved him. I thought he knew that none of that stuff mattered. What happened?”
“Maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe it’s going to happen.”
“What?”
“Maybe he’s testing the waters.”
“Rose, I don’t understand.”
“Maybe he’s getting ready to propose.”
* * *
Dr. Matthews had come to take a look at his patient. I went to wait in the hallway.