My mind was a million miles away.
But suddenly Mike was standing right beside me.
“Harleigh…”
I heard him, but I didn’t really hear him.
“Harleigh…”
“Oh, Mike. His doctor’s with him now.”
“Are you OK?”
“This is a lot harder than I thought.”
“I know.”
“He’s so far away, Mike. And I don’t know what to do.”
“He thinks you just feel sorry for him.”
“What? Did he tell you that?”
Mike nodded.
“We talked a little bit last night.”
“Well, what else did he say?”
“Harleigh, he feels useless. All these people have to take care of him, do the stuff he used to be able to do for himself. It’s really hard for him right now.”
“But it doesn’t matter.”
“I know that. You know that. But you know how Shaun is.”
“What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to convince him?”
“I wish I knew.”
* * *
I came home from work one night in February, and Shaun was sitting at the kitchen table with papers everywhere.
I came up from behind him and kissed him.
“Hey, sweetie. What’s all this?”
“Well, I didn’t want to tell you until it was official.”
“Until what was official?”
“I got accepted to school.”
“What? Where?”
“At State. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I want to take some classes and stuff.”
“What?”
“Aren’t you excited for me?”
I wrapped my arms around him.
“Of course I am. I just didn’t know you were thinking about this. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“Shaun, you aren’t doing this because you think I want you to, are you?”
“Harleigh… never mind. Just forget it.”
“Forget what? Tell me.”
“I’ve listened to Jon for two years tell you how you deserve so much better. So I’m trying to be something better.”
“That’s Jon talking not me.”
“But you listen to him.”
“I don’t listen to anything he says when it comes to you.”
“It’s pretty hard not to. He says it so much.”
“Shaun, what’s going on?”
“Nothing. I just thought you would be excited about this.”
“I am excited if this is what you want.”
“It is what I want. Don’t you think I even know what I want? Do you think I need you or Jon to tell me?”
“Stop it, Shaun. I don’t want to fight with you.”
“Just forget it. I’ll be your little construction worker forever.”
I started to cry.
“Why are you doing this? What’s happening to us?”
He just looked at me.
“Why are we fighting so much now? I love you, Shaun. I don’t want to fight with you.”
He took me in his arms.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately. I just want to be good for you.”
“You are good for me.”
“I don’t think so.”
* * *
The silence was getting to me. It was starting to eat away at me.
I knew he wasn’t asleep.
He knew I wasn’t really reading the book I held in front of me.
“Shaun…”
“Hmmm?”
“I was so scared.”
He didn’t say anything. I didn’t want him to.
“I didn’t know what I was going to do if you didn’t wake up. I thought of all the little things I was going to miss about you.
“The way you fixed me Pop-Tarts and called it breakfast in bed.
“The way your big toes stuck out of practically every pair of your white socks.
“The way you sang along to every song in the car even if you didn’t know the words.”
“I always knew the words, Harleigh.”
“I don’t know what would have happened if I lost you.”
“You didn’t.”
* * *
I was eyeing Shaun’s socks as we sat on the couch watching a movie.
As usual his big toe was sticking out of his right sock.
“Are you checking out my feet, Harleigh?”
“Not your feet, just your toe.”
“Do you like that?”
“Don’t you have any socks without holes?”
“Yeah, but these ones are worn in. They’re comfortable.”
“Comfy? Hmmmmm.”
“Hmmmmm what?”
“I’m just thinking how nice that big toe would look with some bright red nail polish on it.”
“I was thinking a light pink might go better with my skin tones.” He was grinning.
* * *
I could hear Shaun screaming as I walked down the hall.
“Take the damn thing out! Take it out!”
Mike was trying to calm him down.
“Shaun, relax, buddy. They can’t take it out.”
“Fuck it! Take this damn tube out of my dick now.”
It was now the nurse’s turn.
“Shaun, you have to calm down. We have to…”
“No! No, you fuckin’ don’t. I can piss on my own. Please.”
The nurse was very matter-of-fact.
“Mr. Parker, this is what’s best for you until you’re stronger.”
When she switched from Shaun to Mr. Parker, I knew this wasn’t good.
“Please, take it out. Take the damn thing out or I’ll fuckin’ take it out myself!”
I could hear the tears in his voice.
“We can’t.” The nurse’s voice was cold. “Mr. Parker, if you don’t calm down and relax, I will sedate you.”
“Are you fuckin’ threatening me?”
“Mr. Parker, you need to relax and watch your language.”
“Mike, make them. Please. Mike, come on.”
“Shaun, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
* * *
I was lying on top of Shaun on the couch. My head was resting on his chest.
I squirmed around to get a little bit more comfortable.
Then I felt it.
I sat up.
“Shaun, control yourself.”
“Control myself?”
He grabbed a pillow.
“Don’t you think I have any hormones?”
I tried not to laugh. It didn’t work.
“And don’t give me that all innocent look — grinding your hips against me like that, Harleigh.”
“You have hormones, really?”
“Yeah, and they’re raging right now — BIG time.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.
“I love you, Shaun.”
“Yeah, yeah, just make the situation worse.”
* * *
Jon’s phone was ringing on the other end.
“Dr. Murphy.”
“Jon, it’s Harleigh. Are you busy?”
“No, I’m never too busy for you. How’s Shaun?”
“He’s getting better, but he’s kind of going through a funk.”
“A funk?”
“Yeah, he’s tired of being in the hospital and stuff.”
“How much longer does his doctor think he’ll be there?”
“He’s not sure.”
I hesitated. I didn’t know how to ask it. But I did.
“Hey, Jon, I need some medical advice.”
“What’s wrong?’
“Nothing’s wrong. Umm. Ugghh. I don’t know how to put this.”
“Just ask me.”
“Well, can I… can I kiss him?”
I think he nearly dropped the phone.
“Harleigh, no wonder h
e’s been going through a funk.”
“What?”
“Yes, yes, you can kiss him.”
“I don’t mean on the cheek or the forehead.”
“Yes, Harleigh, yes. Kiss him. Kiss him. Doctor’s orders.”
* * *
I think it probably took Shaun at least three weeks before he tried to kiss me.
It was probably my reaction to his hand-holding attempt that scared him off.
We were standing at my door that night.
“I had a really good time tonight, Harleigh.”
His hands were stuffed into his pockets.
“So did I. I always do with you.”
“Ummmm, Harleigh, would I get slapped if I tried to kiss you right now?”
“Ummmm, you’d probably get slapped if you didn’t try to kiss me right now.”
* * *
We were watching a TV movie. I looked to make sure the door was shut. Then I picked up the remote and turned the TV off.
Shaun looked at me.
“Hey, what’d you do that for?”
I sat on the edge of his bed.
“I’ve missed you.”
“You spend every day and night with me.”
“No, Shaun, I’ve missed you.”
I put my hands on his chest. I could feel his heart start to race through the thin material of the hospital gown.
I ran my hands along his chest.
“Harleigh, what are you doing?”
I put my finger against his lips.
“Shhh.”
I started to kiss his neck.
I could tell he was nervous. His heart was racing. His body was tensing. His hand was shaking.
I took his left hand and ran it along the side of my face.
And I kissed his fingers.
“Harleigh…”
He couldn’t get any more words out.
I started to kiss his neck again.
“I love you so much, Harleigh.”
I looked into his eyes.
“I love you, too.”
Then my lips found his.
We were both nervous at first. But that didn’t last long.
At last I pulled away.
I looked at him.
He was grinning.
* * *
I could always tell when Shaun was up to something. His grin gave him away.
He showed up one Thursday night at my apartment.
“Come on, Harleigh. We’re going out.”
“Where are we going?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“What are you up to?”
“What am I up to? Nothing. Come on, let’s go.”
“Where are we going?”
“Didn’t you already ask me that?”
“And I didn’t get an answer.”
“I promise you’ll have a good time. Come on, we’re gonna be late.”
“You’re not going to tell me?”
“I’m not going to tell you.”
He was practically pulling me out the door.
It wasn’t until we were both in his truck driving toward town that I asked again.
“So can you tell me now?”
“Well, you’re always talking about how you want to meet my friends from work, right?”
“And you never let me meet them.”
“Well, tonight is your lucky night. It’s their bowling night.”
“You’re taking me bowling? Don’t you remember what happened the last time we went bowling?”
“I have no clue what you’re talking about.”
I started to laugh.
“I killed you. I cremated you. I destroyed you. You only bowled a 53. And now you’re going to take me bowling in front of your friends?”
“I think you dreamed that up, Harleigh.”
“You know it happened.”
“I have no recollection of it.”
“Then I’ll just have to give you a reminder tonight.”
* * *
I held the cup of orange juice for him so he could sip out of the straw.
“Shaun, I’ve been thinking.”
“You’re on vacation. You’re not supposed to think.”
He seemed to be in a good mood.
“I’ve been thinking that once you get checked out of this place, you should move in with me.”
“What?”
“Well, I could keep an eye on you. And Mike wouldn’t be far away either. And it’s kind of the next logical step, isn’t it?”
“The next logical step of what?”
“Our relationship.”
I walked toward the window so he couldn’t see my face.
“I mean we practically live together anyway. Why not just make it official?”
“Harleigh, stop.”
“I want you to come live with me.”
“I can’t do that to you.”
“Shaun…”
“No, Harleigh, you don’t have to take care of me.”
“I want to take care of you.”
“Mike already said he wants me to move in for a while with him.”
I walked over to the bed and took his hand.
“Shaun, I’m not talking for a while. I’m talking for good.”
* * *
Rose and I were driving home from doing some weekend shopping.
“Rose, I think I’m going crazy.”
“I’m pretty sure you aren’t going crazy.”
“Look at what I bought.”
I pulled out the bridal magazine.
“He asked you and you didn’t tell me?”
“No, he hasn’t asked me. That’s why I’m crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy.”
“He probably hasn’t even thought about it.”
“Harleigh, I seriously doubt that. Look at the two of you.”
“You think he’s thought about it?”
“I know he’s thought about it.”
* * *
Mike and I were at Shaun’s apartment, starting to pack up some of his things to start moving them into my place.
I couldn’t believe we were going to do this. I couldn’t believe we had waited this long.
I was in the bedroom, and I could hear Mike’s voice coming from the living room.
“Now, Harleigh, remember I’m just gonna be a couple doors away if you guys need anything.”
“We don’t even have him home yet.”
“But when you do…”
“When I do, I’m gonna give you a key so you can come over whenever you want.”
“I know you’re going to take good care of my brother.”
“I’m gonna try my best.”
I had finished packing the clothes in Shaun’s dresser and closet. I started to clean out his desk.
In his top drawer, I saw it: a little black jewelry box.
I didn’t want to open it. I knew I shouldn’t open it.
But I did.
And there it was, the ring, my engagement ring.
I started to cry.
“Harleigh…”
I kept crying.
“Harleigh…”
Mike’s voice was now in the bedroom.
He took the ring out of my hand.
“I don’t think you were supposed to find this. Let’s just pretend you didn’t see this, OK?”
“He was going to propose to me? He was going…”
“Yeah, Harleigh, he was. He loves you.”
“You knew?”
“I knew.”
“And I told him I couldn’t even imagine marrying him.”
“Harleigh…”
“He was going to propose to me, Mike, and I...”
Mike took me in his arms and let me cry.
* * *
I was on the phone with Drew.
He was having relationship problems with Beth again. It seemed like they were fighting more than they weren’t.
“She’s so into commitment, Harleigh, and that scares me
.”
“Why?”
“Because it does. Maybe it’s a guy thing or something.”
“Do you love her?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“Why are you with her then?”
“I like spending time with her, you know?”
“Like a friend?”
“Yeah, but I don’t have sex like that with my other friends.”
“Drew…”
“Sorry. It’s just all physical for me right now, but she wants more.”
“You should want something more for yourself whether it’s with Beth or someone else.”
“You’re so lucky to have what you have with Shaun.”
“You’ll find someone, Drew.”
“I’m giving up.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“How do you know?”
“Because that’s what I told myself after I broke up with Ron. And look at me now.”
“Yeah, look at you now. Way to make me feel better, little sister.”
* * *
It had been building up in me. I knew I had to say something.
But I also knew I had to wait until Shaun was ready.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“I’m gonna get to go home soon, go home with you.”
“As soon as you’re strong enough. Shaun, you still aren’t eating or walking much.”
“But I will soon. And then I can go home with you.”
I saw how happy his eyes looked, and I didn’t want to do it. But I knew I had to.
“Shaun, can we talk?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong?” He looked worried.
“Nothing’s wrong. But we need to talk about”
Even without my saying it, he knew.
“About our fight?”
I nodded.
“Harleigh, it’s OK.”
“No, it’s my fault.”
He reached for my hand.
“Harleigh, none of this is your fault.”
“I lied to you. I flipped out like the neurotic fool that I am. I love you so much, and I think about marrying you every day.”
I was starting to cry.
“I don’t know why I said what I said. Maybe I thought it was all too perfect, and it was going to end. Maybe because I couldn’t really believe it was all happening to me.”
I tried to wipe my eyes, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
Shaun was grinning, but I could still see the pain in his eyes.
“I knew you were lying the whole time.”
I hit his foot.
“Who’s lying now?”
* * *
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“I have a confession to make.”
“Uh huh?”
I could tell by his grin that whatever it was, he wasn’t serious.
“I have eight children to ten women.”
I tried not to laugh too hard.
“You’re such a liar.”
He tried not to snicker too hard.
“I’m not lying. You know in my wild days.”
“Shaun…”
“What?”
“Eight children to ten women?”
“Yup.”
I kissed his forehead.
“Math wasn’t your best subject was it?”
* * *
I had the official job of being the wheelchair pusher that day.
The nurses had helped Shaun get into the chair.
But it was my job to push him.