“I don’t know. It’s weird, Mike.”
“What’s weird?”
“It’s like whenever I get enough courage, she’ll get nervous or turn her head or”
“What do you have to get up your courage for? Are you in junior high or something? It’s not like you’ve never kissed a girl before.”
“It’s different now, though. It’s…”
Mike was laughing.
“How’s it different?”
“I’m sober.”
* * *
I was sitting on the side of Shaun’s bed. The lights in the room were out.
I had my hand on his chest. I liked to feel his heart beating.
I bent over and kissed him.
“I love you, Shaun.”
“I love you too.”
“Can you believe you’re coming home?”
“I never thought I was gonna get out of here.”
“Hey, Shaun.”
“Hey what?”
“What do you remember?”
“I remember leaving your apartment and going over to Mike’s.”
“I’m so sorry… about everything, about what I said.”
“Harleigh, don’t OK? It took me a long time to realize that you were willing to look past all the shit I’ve done and been through and that you weren’t going to leave me.”
“You know I love you, right?”
“Yeah, I know you love me. But when you said that you never even thought about marrying me, all of a sudden every insecurity I’ve ever had about this relationship just filled my head.”
I started to cry.
“Harleigh, don’t cry please.”
“I’m just so sorry about that night.”
“Mike told me I just must have caught you off guard, surprised you or something. He kept telling me to go back to your apartment.”
“I wanted to go to Mike’s to see if you were there.”
“I couldn’t stop crying.”
“What?”
“I just kept crying and telling Mike how much I loved you. I decided I would go home for the night and come and see you the next morning and we would fix this.”
He squeezed my hand.
“But I got about halfway home and I knew that I couldn’t wait until the morning. I love you so much. I wasn’t going to let you run from me or try to block me out.”
I kissed him again.
“I love you so much, Shaun.”
His hand was resting on the side of my face.
“That’s about it. Then I woke up, and you and Mike were here crying and stuff. I didn’t know what was going on. I couldn’t talk or move, and I didn’t know where I was. And you just kept crying.”
I was crying now.
“Don’t cry, Harleigh. I’m right here.”
* * *
“I ran into this guy I graduated from high school with last night.” Shaun had sat down beside me on the couch.
“Yeah?”
“Harleigh…”
I could hear it in his voice.
“What’s wrong?”
“He was, Matt was talking about all this stuff we did the summer after we graduated from high school, and I didn’t remember hardly any of it.”
“Maybe he was confused. Maybe he just thought you were there and you weren’t.”
“No.”
“No what?”
“I was so out of it, so fucked up I don’t remember. I don’t remember.”
“Shaun, it’s OK.”
“No, it’s not OK.”
“Do you remember when you met me?”
“At the picnic, you were sitting by the pool.”
“Do you remember the first time you kissed me?”
“Yeah, I asked if you were gonna slap me.”
I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder.
“See, you’ve got much better memories now.”
* * *
Shaun was in the bathroom with Mike and a nurse when my cellphone started to ring.
“Hello.”
“Harleigh, it’s Jon.”
“Hey, Jon, how are you?”
“I’m doing OK. How are you? How’s Shaun doing?”
“I never thought I would hear you ask that and mean it.”
“Harleigh…”
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. He’s doing OK.”
“I want to be there when you bring him home.”
“What?”
“I want to be there. That first week or so isn’t going to be real easy. It’s going to be a pretty big adjustment for both of you. I wanna do whatever I can for you and Shaun.”
“You don’t have to do this. We’ll be fine.”
“Harleigh, just in case.”
“Jon, you don’t have to.”
“It’ll give Shaun and me a chance to talk, too.”
“He’s coming home on Friday.”
* * *
Mike and I were out shopping for a gift for Shaun.
He was celebrating one year sober.
“The week before I brought Shaun home from rehab I was so nervous.”
“Why?”
“Well, things didn’t go so well the first time I brought him home.”
“True.”
“I bought all these board games, rented all these DVDs without any alcohol or drug references”
“Board games?”
“Yeah, it was pretty painful for me and Shaun.”
* * *
It was the night before Shaun was coming home.
I sat on the edge of the bed, my hand wrapped around his.
The lights were off.
I kissed the top of his head.
“It’s your last night here.”
“Yeah, it is.”
His voice was distant.
“Are you excited?”
“I’m scared, Harleigh.”
“What?”
He was trying to hold back the tears.
“I’m so scared.”
I wrapped my arms around him as best as I could.
“Shaun, don’t cry, please. You don’t need to be scared. I’ll be right there.”
“It hurts so much.”
“I know. I know.”
“What if I don’t get any better?”
“You’re gonna be fine.”
“Harleigh, I can hardly move my hand. I can barely walk across the damn room. My”
He stopped to wipe his eyes.
“Shaun, you’re coming home with me tomorrow. You’re coming home.”
He closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Harleigh.”
* * *
Mike and I were on our way home from shopping for Shaun.
“The first time I brought Shaun home from rehab, he didn’t say too much, was pretty quiet.”
“Really?”
“I thought maybe he was just nervous or scared. So I rambled on the entire car ride home. And he still didn’t say anything.”
“What about when you brought him home last year?”
“It was different. He was scared. He was so scared.”
* * *
Mike was helping Shaun get dressed.
I was waiting outside the room. Jon came running down the hall. He took me in his arms.
“Sorry, my flight was late. I was afraid I was going to miss you.”
“Jon, I’m so glad you’re here.”
He looked at me.
“Harleigh, I told you I’ll do whatever I can for you and Shaun.”
“Thank you.”
“So where is he?”
“Mike’s helping him get dressed. Then we get to take him home.”
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s scared.”
“How are you doing?”
“I’m more scared than he is.”
* * *
“Are you afraid of me, Harleigh?”
“What?”
“You know, are you afraid of me?”
“Shaun, what are you talking about?”
“About everything I’ve done, everything I did?”
“Why would I be afraid of you?”
“Well, maybe not afraid of me. But are you ever worried or scared that I might mess up again?”
I lied.
“Never.”
He couldn’t look at me.
* * *
I pulled my car up in front of the hospital. Shaun was sitting in the wheelchair. Mike and Jon were on each side of him.
When he tried to stand up, he almost fell right back down. Luckily Jon grabbed him.
“Whoa, there, Shaun. I’ve got you.”
Jon didn’t let go of him as he slowly got into the car.
Shaun was shaking. He was pale.
Mike tossed his bag in the back.
“Jon and I will meet you back at your place, Harleigh.”
I looked over at Shaun. His eyes were closed.
I leaned over and kissed him.
“I love you, Shaun.”
He didn’t say anything.
“You know, when they first brought you in here, I told myself I wouldn’t go home without you.”
He turned his head and looked at me.
“Every day I would sit there and watch you. And I would dream up this scene so many times — when I actually got my Shaun back.”
“I love you, Harleigh.”
* * *
It was a couple of days after Shaun so eloquently asked me if I was afraid of him.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
He was grinning.
“Hey what?”
“Am I everything you ever dreamed of?”
“Hmmm, let me think about that.”
“You have to think about it?”
“I have to run down my mental checklist.”
The grin disappeared.
“Is addict on that list?”
* * *
Mike and Jon were in the kitchen, cooking dinner. I was in the bedroom tucking Shaun into bed.
“Are you comfy?”
He nodded.
“Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m good.”
“You’re pretty tired, huh?”
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“It feels good to be here.”
“It feels good to have you here.”
His eyes were starting to close.
“Why don’t you get some sleep and I’ll wake you up in a little bit so you can eat some dinner?”
“Will you stay here until I fall asleep?”
I ran my fingers through his hair.
“You got it.”
* * *
“Is everything OK, Shaun?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because you’ve been acting kind of weird lately.”
“Weirder than usual?”
“Yeah, weirder than usual.”
“This guy I know from rehab, he just started dating this girl. He really likes her, told her everything from the beginning.”
“So?”
“She told him if he ever drank again it would be over. If he messed up again, she’d be outta there.”
“Ohh.”
“Harleigh?”
“What?”
“What if I drink again?”
“What happened to just taking things one day at a time, Shaun?”
“You’re ignoring my question.”
“I don’t want to think about that because it’s not going to happen.”
* * *
Jon was in the kitchen doing the dishes. I came back from helping Shaun eat some dinner.
“Did he eat anything, Harleigh?”
“Just a little bit. Jon…”
“What?”
“Was it too soon?”
“Was what too soon?”
“Was it too soon to bring him home? Was he ready?”
“Harleigh, he had an amazing doctor. He wouldn’t have let him go if he wasn’t ready.”
“But…”
“It’s just going to take some time before everything gets back to normal.”
I started to cry.
“But it’s just so hard, Jon. It’s killing me to watch him like this.”
He held me.
“I know, Harleigh; I know.”
* * *
“Mike, what was I supposed to tell him?”
“I don’t know.”
“He wanted to know if I would leave him if he started drinking again.”
“I don’t think he’s drinking again. He’s not, I know he’s not.”
“What was I supposed to say, Mike?”
“He’s not drinking again. I would know if he was drinking again.”
“Then what is this all about?”
“He realizes everything he has to lose.”
* * *
I found Mike sitting out by the pool.
I saw the tears streaming down his face and watched him try to wipe them away with a shirt sleeve. I pretended not to notice.
“Would you mind some company?”
He tried to smile as I sat down beside him.
“Of course not. Is he asleep?”
“Yeah, he ate a little bit then fell back asleep. Jon’s in there if he needs anything.”
“It was really nice of Jon to come back down.”
“Yeah, it was. Are you OK, Mike?”
He closed his eyes.
“I don’t know.”
I put my arm around him.
“Harleigh, he’s my kid brother. I’ve been through everything with him. But this this just I don’t know.”
“It’s hard.”
“Yeah, it’s really hard.”
“I thought we would get him home and somehow magically or something he would be fine like nothing happened to him.”
“Me too, Harleigh.”
“I want him to laugh or to smile so much. I miss that or hearing him tell some story where he gets sidetracked about fifty times and ends up at the end about two hours after he started.”
“I miss the way he would call me every night and tell me he had made it another day without drinking.”
I knew he did that. I had seen him.
“Mike, he’s gonna get better here with us.”
“He is. That’s what I keep telling myself. That’s what I’ve gotta keep telling myself.”
* * *
It was one of our first dates after he told me about everything.
We had gone to a movie and then out for ice cream.
I noticed Shaun kept looking at his watch.
“Am I keeping you from a hot date?”
He looked nervous.
“No, it’s just that I… I usually… I call Mike every night and I forgot my phone.”
“OK.”
“It’s stupid, Harleigh. It’s just that… I call him every night to tell him I made it another day sober. Like I said, it’s stupid. I’m sorry.”
I reached in my purse and handed him my phone.
“It’s not stupid, Shaun.”
I kissed his cheek.
* * *
At first I was afraid to sleep in the same bed as him.
I thought he was too fragile. I thought I would break him. I lay as far away from him as I could.
But then I couldn’t do it anymore. I scrunched up beside him and put my hand on his chest so I could feel his heart beating.
I slept better that night than I had since before the accident.
When I woke up, Shaun was laying on his side with his arm wrapped around me.
He kissed my forehead.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.”
“Good morning, Shaun. How did you sleep?”
He pulled me closer.
“I haven’t slept that well for a really long time.”
“Me neither. How are you feeling?”
“As good as new.”
“Oh really?”
“Yup,
would I lie to you?”
“Then how about some breakfast?”
“How about you just let me hold you like this all day?”
“Eggs, pancakes, bacon, waffles — you name it, I’ll make it.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Shaun, you have to eat.”
“Orange juice and toast.”
“Orange juice and toast it is then.”
I started to move away.
“Wait, Harleigh, just let me hold you for a couple more minutes.”
I had missed the way his arms felt around me.
“OK, but just a couple.”
* * *
I reached to turn the alarm off.
“Shaun…”
He rolled over.
“Hmmm?”
“Get up.”
“Not yet.”
He flung his arm across me.
“Shaun…”
“No.”
“We’ve gotta go.”
“No, we’ve gotta stay in bed like this forever.”
part iii
Shaun was home. Shaun was really home.
But sometimes it still seemed like he was so far away.
Other times he’d crack a grin or even laugh – those were the moments I looked forward to, the moments I knew everything was really going to be OK.
Little by little, he started turning back into the old Shaun.
He wasn’t up running any races. He spent most days laying on the couch in the living room.
But he was more alive.
It was Sunday night, and we were in bed. His eyes were smiling at me.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
“Hey what?”
“Mike’s got a girlfriend, doesn’t he?”
“What?”
“You heard my question.”
“Where is this coming from?”
“That’s where he’s been all day, isn’t it?
“He’s at his office.”
“It’s a Sunday.”
“He’s behind on his work.”
“You’re a terrible liar, Harleigh.”
“I don’t know if it’s official girlfriend status yet. They’ve only been out on a couple dates.”
“I knew it.”
He grinned with satisfaction.
“How’d you know that?”
“He’s got the look.”
“The look?”
“Yeah, the I’ve-been-bitten-by-the-love-bug look.”
“Oh, I wasn’t aware of that look.”
“It’s a dead give-away.”
“I see. So do I have that look?”
“Nope.”
“I don’t?”
“You’ve got the I’m-so-in-love-with-the-most-charming-man-in-the-world-who-loves-me-more-than-anything-in-the-world look.”
“Oh, yes, that look.”
* * *
I was cutting out decorations for my class’s bulletin board, and I could feel Shaun staring at me.
“What?”
He didn’t answer.
“Shaun?”
He kept staring.
“Stop staring at me.”
He shook his head.
“Why not?”
“I’m giving you the look of desire.”
“Ohhhh, the look of desire.”
“And I will keep giving you the look of desire until you stop cutting out those little snowmen, put down the safety scissors and come over here and kiss me.”
I went back to work.
“I am ignoring your look of desire.”