Chapter 28
Kelly insisted on going to work Tuesday. She needed to find a way to tie things up, and she needed to talk to Bob about working from home again. Mike agreed with the stipulation that he would drive her and pick her up. Kelly agreed. When Kelly walked into the office building, several colleagues said they were glad she was feeling better. They had heard about the trip to the emergency room but didn’t know the reason. Kelly was relieved when she got to her office. All of the questions were exhausting. Kelly did some work and then went down to Bob’s office. Her meeting with him was at 9:30. She felt the anxiety tightening in her chest, and she willed herself to breathe deeply. She could get through the day; she kept telling herself to breathe, to focus.
“Come on in,” Bob said when he heard her knock. When Kelly walked in, concern etched his face. Kelly knew that she still looked pale and empty. “Kelly, are you alright today? Maybe you shouldn’t have tried to come back to work so soon.”
Kelly sat down and looked at Bob. “Bob, I need to talk to you about something. I have some serious health problems that I need to address. Mike and I have talked about me taking time off from work. I don’t want to put you in a bind, but is there any way that I could go back to working from home again? I know it’s a lot to ask, but I think it will help me to concentrate on getting better.”
Bob looked at her sympathetically. “I think that would work out, Kelly. But there are a few things we’re in the middle of. Can it wait a couple of weeks?”
“Last week I finished my part of the latest assignments and made notes for whoever takes over. I really need to start this now if I can.”
Bob walked around his desk and sat next to Kelly. “I don’t know what is wrong, and I am not going to ask because it’s none of my business. But I want you to do whatever you need to do to get better. Why don’t you take a couple of weeks away from all this and try to get some strength back? Then I can start giving you things to do from home. Will that work?”
Kelly was so grateful. She placed her hand on Bob’s. “Thank you, Bob. Thank you so much.” She turned to leave.
“Kelly, “Bob said, “Jenny and I will be praying for you. Please let us know if you need anything.”
After work, Megan knocked on the doorframe of Kelly’s office. Kelly looked up, smiled, and motioned her in. “Hi, Megan.”
“Hey Kelly. How are you? Someone said you had been to the emergency room. What happened? Was it something to do with your heart?”
Kelly considered her question. In some ways it was. “Yeah, but it’s fine. They didn’t even admit me.”
“You need to take care of yourself girl. You haven’t seemed yourself the last few weeks.” Then Megan moved closer and sat on Kelly’s desk. ”Is there anything you need?”
Actually, I just talked to Bob. I really need to take care of these health problems, so I’m going back to working from home for a while. Mike and I think it’s the best thing for me to do right now.”
“Of course. You need to get better. I will be thinking about you.
“Thanks, Megan, I needed that.”
Megan stood up. “Well, you let me know if you need anything. And try to perk up. I want to see that spark again.”
“Yes ma’am," Kelly saluted her.
Mike was waiting for her when she walked out to the parking lot. “How did you do today?”
“A few rough spots, but it’s better than sitting home thinking all day. Bob told me to take a couple of weeks off the advertising game. Then I can start working from home.”
“I’m glad. Will you be home tomorrow?”
“Yes, today took just about everything I had.”
“I already told the guys I would be out of the office for a few days. I still feel like I need to stay close.”
Dinner was simple that night; Mike had cooked. Kelly had noticed that he had also vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, and done a load of wash. Guilt tugged at her heart, but she pushed it away. It was better to appreciate Mike’s help and compassion than to dwell on the fact that she should have been doing those things. She would have to change her thinking about a lot of things if she wanted to beat the depression that had drained her for so long.
The next morning, Kelly felt heavy and completely exhausted from the previous day. She slept late, and at 9:00 Mike came back to the bedroom to check on her.
“You okay?” Mike asked, worried.
“Just tired. I’m so glad that I can finally sleep.”
“I’m proud of you, Kelly,” Mike squeezed her hand. “I know it has been a hard week.”
Kelly sat up a little and looked at Mike. “How do you do this?”
“Do what?”
“Take care of me? Say that you’re proud of me? I cheated on you. I wanted to kill myself. I changed our lives. How can you still be here?”
Mike looked out the window. “I’m your husband, Kelly.”
“Does that mean you want to stay?”
Mike looked pained. “We don’t have to talk about this now, do we? You’re still pretty fragile.”
“But I want to know.”
“Kelly, I can’t answer that right now. I want to forgive you. And I understand that your illness had something to do with all this. But I’ve read the emails. This started long before your manic episode. I think we just need to focus on one day at a time.”
It wasn’t the answer Kelly hoped for, but then again, she really didn’t deserve any promises from Mike. She knew there was a very real possibility that their marriage wouldn’t make it, and that would be one of the horrible consequences of her choice to be with Andrew. She blocked the thought of Andrew and his likely hatred of her out of her mind. It was Mike she should be thinking of now. He was the one who had loved her, who had committed his life to her. She should have been thinking of him all along. Now what she was thinking was that even if she deserved it, she would not survive if he left her.
Grocery shopping was a part of Kelly’s regular routine on Saturdays. She liked to get it done before lunch so that she could spend the day at home doing nothing or doing housework or doing whatever. So, after she dressed and pulled her hair into a ponytail, she went into the den to tell Mike she was going to Walmart. He didn’t look at her, but she heard him sigh.
“How long will you be gone?” He asked.
“I’m not sure. You never know with Walmart. Hopefully not too long. Why?”
“I don’t want you to go right now. I want you to wait until I can come with you.”
Kelly was puzzled. “Why?”
“Because, Kelly,” he said, looking at her. “I just don’t trust you right now. I can’t be sure you won’t go to Andrew’s house, call him, or kill yourself. Take your pick.”
Kelly’s temper flared. “I always go to the store on Saturdays. I am not going to kill myself. I realize now how much that would hurt everyone else. And after that Thursday night crisis, I am not ever going to contact Andrew again. Besides, we both know he would just tell you anyway.”
“Well, you told me recently that you wouldn’t contact him, and we know how that turned out.”
Kelly knew she shouldn’t be defensive. And it really had nothing to do with Mike. Kelly was still angry that Andrew had emailed him. She had made it very clear in her letter that she was afraid of what Mike might do, and she told him in the letter that he would never hear from her again. Still Andrew ratted her out, and it led to a trip to the emergency room. In addition, even though she knew that suicide would hurt everyone around her – except maybe Andrew – she resented the fact that her plan had spilled out. If Andrew hadn’t forced Mike’s hand, she would be at peace. Kelly knew all this, but she still became defensive.
“Well, Mike, when do you think we can go to the store?”
“I don’t know. I don’t feel like going right now.”
“And I don’t want to sit around all day until you’re in the
mood to buy milk. I am dressed. I was planning to go right now. It’s just Walmart.”
“Kelly, it’s Saturday. You deceived me and went to be with Andrew on several Saturdays during your little trysts. Forgive me if Saturdays are not my favorite day of the week.”
Again, Kelly knew that Mike had every right to distrust her and to be wary on Saturdays. But she was angry with herself, angry with Andrew, angry that she felt so dirty, and angry that this sin was going to dictate every facet of her life. She threw her purse across the room where it knocked over a lamp and stomped to the bedroom.
“Kelly,” Mike came after her. Now he was angry too. “What are you doing? The kids are in the next room. They just asked me why you were so mad. Can’t you at least control yourself when the kids are around?”
“Well, maybe they need to know. Maybe they need to know that their mother is a worthless, horrible adulteress. Maybe they need to hate me like everyone else.”
“Come on, Kelly. Is going to Walmart right this minute really that big a deal? You’re the one who decided to break my trust. I just found out about this three weeks ago.” Mike walked to the door and paused to look at Kelly. “I’m not talking to you when you’re like this.”
If there was one thing that had always made Kelly crazy, it was when Mike left the room. She walked back into the den and said, “Why don’t you just go ahead and leave? You’re going to anyway. Why do we have to drag it out?” Then she broke down sobbing. She didn’t want to cry anymore, especially not in front of Mike, so she ran to their bedroom and locked the door.
She heard Mike’s footsteps, and he knocked on the door, his voice desperate. “Please open the door. You’re scaring me.” Kelly didn’t respond. He continued. “I will break down this door before I let you do something to yourself.”
Kelly unlocked the door and then sat on the bed. Mike went to her and tried to put his arm around her. She wailed like a child, and ran from him. He followed her around the room, trying to take her in his arms. She couldn’t let him. She was dirty, unworthy. Why would he want to hold her after what she had done, what she had said? Why couldn’t she keep this horrible anger in check?
Finally, Mike picked up the phone. He called Dr. Weaver’s service. “This is Mike Bowling. Kelly, My wife, is one of Dr. Weaver’s patients, I think she is having some sort of breakdown, and I am worried she is suicidal again.” He paused. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
He finally convinced Kelly to sit down, and she let him touch her hand. “Kelly, Dr. Weaver is going to call here in a few minutes. Do you want me to talk to her, or do you want to talk to her?”
Kelly had stopped crying, but she was still taking ragged breaths. She felt dizzy, and her heart was being crushed inside her chest. She knew it wasn’t mitral valve prolapse or a heart attack or anything physiological. It was the last bit of heart breaking over her sin, her husband’s devastation, the fact the she had been meaningless to Andrew from the start – just a girl with the right body parts, and the pain she had caused her family, everything. Her body was racked with pain, and she finally allowed herself to lean against Mike. Once again, for a reason Kelly couldn’t fathom, he took her and held her, stroking her hair and rocking her.
Dr. Weaver called then, and this time Kelly was able to tell her what had been happening. She promised the doctor that she was not a danger to herself, that she was just very upset. Dr. Weaver was silent for a moment before responding.
“Kelly, I am not sure you are telling me the truth; you may not even be telling yourself the truth. We have a crisis intervention center. It is for short-term visits – a few days to a week. We could monitor your moods round the clock and you could talk to a counselor any time of day or night.”
Kelly’s heart froze at the thought of being checked into a mental facility. They couldn’t afford for her to go to some expensive facility, even for a few days. And how would Mike manage the kids and his business? A voice somewhere inside told her she needed to lay aside all the questions and allow herself to be monitored, but the practical part of her took over. “I can’t do that, Dr. Weaver. We can’t afford it, and someone has to be here for the kids.”
Dr. Weaver sighed. “Kelly, I can’t force you to go right now. But I want to see you on Friday. If you haven’t significantly improved by then, as your psychiatrist, I will be able to make you go. May I speak to Mike?”
Kelly handed the phone to Mike, and Kelly knew she was giving him instructions. After he hung up, he pulled Kelly into his arms again and held her tightly. “Kelly, please don’t do this. I can’t take it if you can’t stay sane. I need you too. If you need to go to Walmart, we can go right now. I just hate Saturdays right now. Does that make sense?”
Kelly nodded. “We don’t have to go right now. We’ll wait until later. Do you mind if I take a nap?”
“No, you can rest. But I am keeping the bedroom door open. I just can’t trust you to be rational.”
This time, Mike’s words didn’t cause her temper to flare. She knew he was right; she couldn’t be trusted, not with anything. No matter how much she wanted to become trustworthy, her emotions were still warring with each other. She needed Mike to stay close. She needed to find rest so that she could feel God’s forgiveness.