Chapter 37
Andrew spent most of that weekend talking with his sister, allowing her to cry when she needed to cry. Mark was constantly at her side as well. It was clear that both of them were still somewhat in shock. All through her childhood Sandy had played with dolls, daydreaming about having a real baby someday. It had taken them so long to get pregnant that the miscarriage was especially devastating. At one point, Sandy cried, “What if we are never able to have another baby?” She wept at the thought.
“Honey, we will have children someday. Whether you give birth to them or we adopt, we will have children.” Mark held her, and Andrew sat with them, his heart breaking for both of them.
Even with Sandy’s sorrow weighing heavy on Andrew’s heart, however, he couldn’t stop thinking about Alyssa. He had never loved anyone the way he loved her. After all the mistakes he had made, he had wondered if God would ever trust him with someone as precious as Alyssa. He thanked God for his grace and for sending him a girl that was so sweet and godly and pure.
There was only one thing that bothered Andrew, and as he and Alyssa grew closer, it had troubled him more and more. Alyssa was completely open about every part of her life, past present, and future, even her times of pain and shame. Andrew had told her many things about his life. She knew he wasn’t a virgin, but her response had been, “Andrew, you are not that man now. I never slept with any of my boyfriends, but I often went farther than I should have. Is that really any different?” Andrew had been so grateful for her response. Lately, though, he felt as if he was hiding something significant from Alyssa by not telling her about Kelly. He knew why he hadn’t told her – it was fear, plain and simple. Sleeping with a girlfriend in college was one thing. Sleeping with a married woman less than a year ago seemed very different. What would Alyssa think of him? Would it destroy the most wonderful thing on earth – his relationship with her? He knew, however, that Alyssa needed to know the truth, and she needed to know it before he proposed. If it was a deal-breaker, she had the right to make that decision.
So, on Sunday during his drive home, Andrew prayed, asking God to give him the words to say. He asked that God would soften Alyssa’s heart, and, if possible, to give her the strength to forgive him. There were no guarantees, and Andrew knew that. In some ways he felt angry again. His mistake was affecting his life once again. He knew that God had forgiven him and he had truly laid it aside. But if he really loved Alyssa the way he said he did, she needed to everything about him – no secrets.
When Andrew walked into his apartment on Sunday, the first thing he did was to call Alyssa.
“Hello,” she said.
“Hey, it’s Andrew. I’m back.”
“I’m so glad. How’s your sister? I’ve been praying for them this weekend.”
“I think they’ll make it. It’s really hard on them right now. Sandy had a hard time getting pregnant, and she’s worried that she won’t be able to again.’”
“That must be so hard. I know how I would feel if I found that I couldn’t have children. I think I might send her a note. Is that okay?”
Andrew’s heart swelled. Alyssa was compassionate, thoughtful, and so amazing. “I think she would really like that. In fact, when she wasn’t crying, she was bugging me to take you up to see them,” Andrew chuckled. Then he grew more serious. “Listen, Alyssa, would you like to come for dinner tomorrow night? I have really missed you.”
“Yes, those two days were torture,” she teased. “Of course I’d love to come over. Just remember our pact.” They had made a pact to set a timer when they kissed so they wouldn’t get too involved.
“Okay, I’ll see you at around 7:00 then,” Andrew said. “Oh, and I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Monday was torture for Andrew. He couldn’t wait to see Alyssa, but he also knew that Monday night could be a turning point in their relationship, and he wasn’t sure which way it would turn. He prayed constantly, even as he was teaching. He did his best to keep busy preparing his latest presentation, but his mind kept wandering to the truth he would be telling Alyssa that night. “Lord,” he prayed as he drove home. “I confess to you I am scared to death. Your Word says that you haven’t given us a spirit of fear. I know that I am doing what you ask by telling Alyssa. I want your will to be done. But I’ll admit, Lord, if your will is for our relationship to be over, it’s going to be very tough. Please guide us both.”
Alyssa arrived a little before 7:00. She walked into Andrew’s house and immediately threw her arms around him. He put his arm around her waist and cradled her head. Then he kissed her; it was a kiss of anticipation and desperate hope. They stood that way, and Andrew began to instinctively move his mouth to her ear, and then her neck. Alyssa stiffened and said breathlessly, “What happened to that timer?”
Andrew laughed and pulled back. “Sorry about that. I guess I missed you even more than I thought.” He sat on the couch to put some space between them.
“I’m hungry,” Alyssa said, walking into the kitchen area. “What did you take out of the box this time?” She teased.
“I’m hurt,” Andrew said, following her. “I thought you liked frozen lasagna.”
“To be honest, I don’t care what we eat,” Alyssa replied, walking to him and placing her hand on his cheek. “I’m just glad to be here.”
“In that case,” Andrew said and swallowed. “Let’s talk for a while. God has really laid something on my heart.”
They sat on the couch, and Andrew put his elbows on his knees and ran a hand through his hair. He had no idea how to start. His heart beat in his chest, and he felt a twisting in his stomach.
“Andrew, whatever it is, you can tell me. No secrets, remember?”
That gave Andrew the strength he needed to begin. “Alyssa, I love you so much. I want what is best for you, for us. We’ve shared so much about each other. I know you’re failings. You know most of mine. Most, but not all.”
“Andrew, nothing you could say could ever change the way I feel about you. Please don’t be afraid.”
Andrew took a deep breath. “Well, this time last year I was far from God. I began ignoring Him. I was still attending church and Bible study, still going through the motions, but I allowed myself to get caught up in a fantasy.” He paused and looked away for a moment. “I had been friends with a coworker, and I became attracted to her. I never planned to do anything about it, but then she told me that she was attracted to me too. We managed to keep things at bay for a while. But then, last spring, we….” He didn’t know how to continue.
“Andrew, you have told me about this sort of thing. I already told you that I know you aren’t that man anymore. It may hurt a little, but it doesn’t change anything.”
He took Alyssa’s hand. “This is different. It’s worse.” He took a deep breath and looked at her. “She was married.”
Alyssa looked at him for a moment, feeling as if the breath had been sucked from her body. She knew that it had been hard for Andrew to tell her, and she knew that in God’s eyes it was no different from the other things he had done. But it felt different somehow. Like Andrew had said, it seemed worse. She looked at the floor and tears formed in her eyes.
Andrew’s shoulders slumped. “I was afraid it might change things, but I knew I had to tell you.” He tried to read her thoughts. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” He asked softly, afraid to hear her answer.
Alyssa was silent for so long that Andrew wondered if she had even heard him. Finally she looked up, and tears were streaming down her cheeks. “Andrew, I love you so much. Your telling me this doesn’t stop me from loving you. But…it’s such a shock. I don’t know, I guess like you said, it seems different somehow from sleeping with a girlfriend in college. I love you so much, I really do, but…” Her voice died away.
Andrew felt his own breath being sucked away. Alyssa felt differently
about him. Even with her eyes clouded with tears, he could see the hurt and disappointment. “Alyssa, you deserve a man with no past, someone as pure as you are. I understand if this changes everything. I’m praying it doesn’t. But I understand if it does.”
“Oh, Andrew, I don’t want it to. I can’t imagine not being with you. I don’t want it to change anything either. But this is big, something I never expected. I think I might need time to sort this out. Is that okay?”
“Yes,” Andrew said, defeated. It felt like she was already slipping away.
Alyssa stood up and wiped tears from her face. “I know you cooked. But I need to go home and pray. I need some wisdom and direction. I’m so sorry Andrew, but I need to go.”
Andrew walked her to the door slowly. She reached for the doorknob, then turned back to him and held him tightly. She ran her fingers through the hair on the back of his neck and kissed him. This time, it was her kiss that was full of desperation. She pressed her lips to his, and he tasted her tears. She held him more tightly, putting her hands around his back and pressing into him. Once again, Andrew moved his lips to her ear, her throat, the bit of shoulder exposed from her shirt. Alyssa didn’t pull back. She began breathing more deeply, willing Andrew not to stop. Finally, Andrew tore himself away from her. “I love you,” he said. “Go, just go. If you don’t go now I don’t think I’ll be able to let you go.”
After Alyssa left, Andrew closed the door and rested his head against it and cried out, “God, please don’t let her leave. Please help us Lord. I don’t think I can live without her.” Exhausted, he took the casserole out of the oven and left it on the counter. He couldn’t eat. He lay on the bed with his clothes still on and fell asleep.