Spaz called late Friday evening and was all cranked up. He’d mustered his courage and asked Jody go to out on a date with him, and they ended up talking for an hour. He was goofy with excitement. I reminded him not to say anything about my feelings for Jess. He said he hadn’t, but I still worried.
I was up late watching TV, trying unsuccessfully to numb my mind, when Dad pulled into the driveway. He strolled through the kitchen, and leaned against the wall in front of me.
He didn’t even say hello, which was strange. “Why don’t you turn that off, Cory? I need to talk to you.”
I switched off the program, concerned and confused. Had I really messed up somehow?
“Your school paper...” He sat down in his chair. “The one on incest.”
My shoulders twitched. I shouldn’t have taken that risk... now it was too late. This was going to be bad.
“The subject has been in my mind all week – probably yours, too. I’ve decided that I need to get something off my chest.” I closed my eyes hard, waiting for his wrath. “There’s something I never told you, Son – never told anyone. Your Aunt Mel knows, and it’s why she’s still so angry with me. “
I exhaled as slowly as possible. I’d lucked out, big time. This wasn’t about me. But then what could he possibly... I was just glad not to be the focus of the conversation. I looked at him, waiting.
Dad swallowed hard. “Cory, when I was your age, I fell in love for the first time. She wasn’t a blood relative, just a cousin by marriage. But she was like a sister in a lot of ways.” He had my ears.
“Her family had a big house, and we lived with them for a couple years. We grew up together. A lot of horrible things went on around us. The kind of things that no kid should have to know. But we loved each other, and protected each other, and I truly believe that love saved our lives. We were too young to get married, but so far as we were concerned, we were married in front of God.”
“You were married in your hearts. I get it.”
“We, well, we started out kissing, but ended up having sex.” His face darkened. “When she was sixteen, I got her pregnant.”
I couldn’t believe he was telling me this.
“It started a war between our families. It wasn’t entirely my fault, but I’d kicked over the first domino. My uncle threw my whole family out. My father started drinking, my parents divorced. Mel and I were passed around from house to house like furniture.
“My cousin and I didn’t see each other for years. They made her... It was awful; we were both heartbroken. But after I got out of the Army, I found her, and it was as if we’d never been apart. We got married officially, and I felt like my whole life was given back to me.”
“You never said you were married before you met Mom.” This was indeed a secret.
“My cousin’s name was Emma.”
“The same as Mom’s? You had two wives and... Wait. But... Mom was your cousin?”
“That’s right, Cory. A lot of people would still disapprove of us today. But you know about those taboos.”
A chill crept up my spine, making me flinch involuntarily. Good time to redirect the conversation. “How could you get married if you were cousins?”
“I guess that technically we were, but not biologically.”
“Was it hard finding someone to do it?”
“Not really. I had a friend; a Priest I knew in the Army.”
“Huh? You were married by a Catholic Priest?”
“Yeah, your Mom and I didn’t leave the Church until you were three or so.”
“So what about the baby? Does that mean I have another sister, or a brother?”
“Mom’s family made her give the little boy up for adoption. That was the hardest thing she ever did.”
I remembered how Dad had talked about the pain of fathering a child that you’d never see again.
“Where is he now?”
“He was adopted by a couple from Wisconsin. Then, when he was about six – before you were born – a friend helped us find him. We got to see him on a playground with his mom. They seemed really happy, and we were content with that. We left our information with a search organization, in case he ever tried to find us. He’d be twenty-one now. Every day I wonder if he might call.”
“Did he look like me?”
“Yeah. A lot. Your school picture from first grade looks just like him.”
“That feels really weird. Are there any other kids I should know about?”
“No, we... had problems. We had a little girl, but she was stillborn. We were so excited when you came along. It was the best day of our lives.” He smiled. “But after you, Mom couldn’t have another baby, and we still wanted more.”
“Is that why you adopted Jessie?”
“We even talked about getting one or two more, but then...”
But then I killed her.
“Thanks for trusting me with that. Why now?”
“Son, you’re at an age where young people start to make serious decisions about love and sex, but don’t always think about the consequences. I didn’t do so well, and I’m not proud of it, but maybe knowing my experience will help you when you have to make choices. Besides, it’s not something I’d want you to hear from someone else.”
“Who else knows?”
“Grampa Joe and your aunts.”
“Are you going to tell Jessie?”
He closed his eyes and sighed. “I guess I should, but I don’t think she wants to hear anything like this from me. We get along okay on a superficial level, but anything deeper seems to drive her further away.”
“I can tell her if you want.”
“Do you think she’d be open to that?”
“I think so.”
“Thank you, Son.” He put his hand on my shoulder and I could feel it shaking.