~
The last day of school before Christmas break came and went quickly. We all went home to get the rest of our stuff packed and I offered to pick everyone up. My first stop was Ethan’s house, which gave me the opportunity to make him drive and keep Alexa away from him. It was easy to make him the driver when I was still having horrible pain in my arm. I just had to tell him that I would be uncomfortable and he offered me the passenger seat.
Ryder was next on our pickup list. When we pulled up, he was slouching comfortably on the chair on his porch, eyes closed and his head leaning against the back. We rolled up his driveway and his eyes shot open. The car wasn’t even completely stopped when he jumped in the back seat. He shot me a crooked smile that lit up his eyes. I smiled deeply back and Ethan looked at me curiously. He must be getting the usual cheaters paranoia.
Alexa was last on the list, and for good reason. This gave her no choice about where she sat. When she got into the car, I could see the anger marring her face. She was obviously pissed at me about the fight still. To make the vacation a little more vacation like, I swallowed my pride and apologized to her in front of the car audience. Whether it was genuine or not, didn’t really matter, but she believed the apology was.
After the “heart-felt” apology, everyone seemed to relax and a sickening ease plagued my car. Since hearing the truth about those two, comfort was the last thing I wanted them to feel. Ryder’s eyes met mine and he must’ve felt the same. Being the way Ryder is, he dove right into the most uncomfortable situation he could possibly muster. This also gave me a chance to make Alexa and Ethan even more uncomfortable. Since Alexa had told me she was seeing Ryder, he made his first fake boyfriend pass at her.
“So, how was school,” he said smiling widely.
He actually looked interested and yet played secret lover toward me and Ethan perfectly. Her eyes widened at his sudden question. She was now faced with a hilarious dilemma; first that she had told me that they had a secret relationship, and second that she was really with Ethan and wouldn’t want to piss him off. I could see her weighing her options in her silence. Ethan looked back at her and I saw him give her this look that he had once given me often.
The fact that he was now looking at her with similar adoration that he had with me, really tossed me off of the edge. I leaned over quickly and kissed Ethan tenderly on his cheek. That pushed Alexa to make her decision and she smiled at Ryder, “It went okay. Uneventful mostly.”
He looked at her with a sudden adoration and I had to hold back a laugh. “I’m really glad we all get to go together. We don’t get to do stuff like this much.” He was on a mission to push this as far as he could without giving us away.
She looked at him both confused and slightly terrified. We all knew that Alexa and Ryder talked very little without Ethan and I around. I could see the wheels turning in her mind and fear began to distort her face. She thought he actually liked her. Ethan on the other hand was tense and his jaw clenched tightly. I could see the anger seething off of him. I turned to smile at them both and Alexa looked awkward and uncomfortable. I was having trouble repressing the smile that was lurking in my mind.
As Ryder and Alexa began to get more comfortable and deeper in conversation, Ethan’s body grew more rigid. I entwined my fingers with his and smiled over at him. Yesterday, I would have felt that jolt of excitement through my body as our skin met, but after knowing what I did, my stomach churned violently. My mouth began to water and I held back a gag.
“I’ve really missed you,” I choked out as smoothly as possible and forced another loving grin.
“I know. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy. I’ve missed you too,” he said through gritted teeth. I could see Ryder’s body moving closer to Alexa and his hand was resting softly on her knee. Had I not known he was acting, I would have been pissed too.
“It’s okay. I’m just tired of fighting about my dream and in general really. I’m not going to bring it up again. I don’t even have it anymore.”
“Good, because you were really starting to worry me with that nonsense,” he said softly.
I leaned over and kissed him on his cheek. Alexa tensed up quickly and her eyes began to well up. Even knowing she was screwing my boyfriend, she was actually going to have the nerve to cry in my car. “Oh Alexa, what’s wrong with your eyes? You look like you might cry,” I said to her with a little too much sarcasm. Ryder shot me an instant look of disapproval.
“Just got something in it, no big deal,” she said as she quickly wiped away the tears.
After that, the car grew silent once again. The anger of simply being around them made my blood boil beneath my skin. My thoughts drifted as I stared out the passenger side window. The trees began to melt together in an agonizing blur.
I slowly began to nod off and I dreamt in strange flashes. It came at me like photographs. I saw Alexa and Ethan together many times and also flashes of all of us. We were all happy and smiling but the images flipped through fast and they quickly turned to anger and pain. All I could see was panic and death.
~
I woke up in a cold sweat as I felt my body jerk to one side. My heart was beating quickly. I wasn’t even sure what exactly I had seen but what I did know was that it wasn’t good. “Wake up, Aid. We just pulled in to your Aunt’s,” Ethan said.
I didn’t say anything back. I looked away quickly to hide the alarm on my face. I couldn’t comprehend what that dream meant but it was gruesome. I had never had violent impulses, nor had I ever wanted to hurt someone but looking at Ethan made me want to strangle him. I wondered if the dream was just a manifestation of my anger but I didn’t know.
When he pulled up to the driveway and the car jerked to a stop, I quickly flung the passenger door open. “Wow, someone’s in a hurry,” Alexa said under her breath.
I poked my head back into the car and looked at her angrily. “You’re more than welcome to walk home if you don’t want to be here,” I snapped. “I apologized once. If that wasn’t good enough for you, then you have my permission to fuck off!”
Her eyes widened at me and Ryder’s mouth hung open at me in disbelief. I didn’t give her the chance to say anything back because I knew I might physically harm her if she said the wrong thing to me. “Give me a minute with her guys,” Ryder said to them.
I felt his hands wrap around my wrist and he jerked me to the side of the house for privacy. “What,” I said as he gave me a chastising look.
“What the hell was that?” he hissed.
“She betrayed me, Ryder! She can’t even look me in the eyes and come clean to me. And then, she had the damn nerve to almost cry in my mother’s car and make snide remarks at me!”
“Aid, I know this is hard but if you can’t play this right, she won’t open up to you.”
“I don’t care anymore. She’s as good as dead to me anyways,” I snarled back.
“Oh come on, he’s a huge douche and not worth throwing away a friendship for. You’ve been friends with her most of your life. Don’t be a dumbass. She’s gonna figure it out too and neither of you will want him,” he said smiling.
“Doubtful.”
“Just play this calm and I promise you, she will come to you. She will feel bad and say something.”
“Again, doubtful.”
“Just breathe,” he said to me calmly. “You know, you are insanely adorable when you’re pissed.”
The anger Alexa had just caused slowly melted away and I smiled up at him. I never pegged Ryder as a nice or romantic guy, but I was starting to think his usual behavior was all an act.
“We should probably get back. They are going to wonder what’s going on,” I mumbled softly.
We walked back out from the side of the house and I went straight to the car. Even after the talk I had with Ryder, I still didn’t want to talk to Alexa yet. I was pissed enough at her. I grabbed my bag from the trunk and stalked into the house. Alexa came in behind me and I could hear the boys talking out
side. It wasn’t hard to figure out Ethan was mad by the tone of his voice. I opened the guest room window so I could hear them better. I sat down on the bed and enjoyed the show.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, man,” Ethan snapped.
“What do you mean, Ethan,” Ryder asked innocently.
“You’ve been hitting on my girlfriend all day.”
“Which one,” he retaliated.
I had never heard such raw emotion in Ryder’s voice. He was mad and it was because he knew I was hurt. I smiled to myself at the realization.
“Don’t get smart with me. You know what I’m talking about and I swear if you ever put your hands on Alexa again, I’ll kill you myself.”
“So does that mean Aidriana is fair game then,” he smirked. “Be fair and tell her, or I will.”
“She’ll figure it out, bro. Although she must be dumber than I thought because I thought for sure she would’ve figured it out by now.”
“You’re an asshole, dude. That girl is so much better that you.”
Ethan’s grin suddenly shifted and he looked at Ryder with surprise. “You want her. You’ve always wanted her. I should’ve known when you spent most of your time talking about her with me. Go ahead and have my sloppy seconds. Trust me, I don’t care anymore.”
A single tear fell down my cheek as those words effortlessly rolled off of his tongue. The nausea overwhelmed my body and I ran to the bathroom. Tears flowed from my eyes as I emptied my stomach contents into the porcelain bowl. I had been sure that this was as bitter as I could get, but I was dead wrong. My demons were slowly taking over and my mind was becoming a puppet to the devil lurking inside.
I lay alone on the bed in the guest room and hugged my knees to my chest. Nothing compared to the fetal position when I felt like this. I cried myself to exhaustion and the familiar darkness embraced me again.
Chapter 13
I woke to the tender touch of hands stroking my hair. I had lost myself in the dream yet again, and found myself staring into the same beautiful hazel eyes. Ryder smiled his innocent grin and gently ran his finger down my cheek.
“You’ve been crying,” he states.
I wiped my eyes and felt the dried tears and mascara plastered onto my skin. “I was listening to you and Ethan talking. How long was I asleep?”
“An hour,” he said softly. “You were dreaming again. You don’t sleep very soundly.”
I looked at him and sadness griped onto me. “I know,” I managed to whisper back.
“My offer still stands. I know you don’t want to talk but I will listen if you want me to. I can tell there is more that you aren’t telling me.”
“I’ll get there. I just need to wrap my head around this first,” I sighed heavily. “Where is Ethan by the way?”
I heard the door creak behind me and I swung my head back to see who was there. It was Alexa and I was not enthused to see her at all. I turned back around and look at Ryder. He got up and strode past her, not saying a word. I heard her walking toward me and I shuddered. This is supposed to be my vacation and the two people I thought I loved the most in my life, were completely ruining it for me. She sat down on the bed, keeping her eyes straight ahead. She looked uncomfortable and strained.
“What’s going on with you, Aid,” she asked softly.
It was becoming clear to me that she didn’t have a clue that I knew anything. This was my chance to act with her and I was determined to do it well. “I’m overwhelmed. The dreams aren’t gone. I don’t want to dwell on it anymore but it’s consuming me,” I answered softly back.
“You told Ethan they were gone. I heard you in the car.”
“I know what I said. I don’t want to lose him over this. It’s obvious that no one understands and I just want to drop it. I want to forget it ever happened.”
She stifled a smile at me. The force she put into it was staggering. I did the same and the uncertainty creeps into her eyes. “I miss hanging out, Aid.”
“I do too, but,” I paused and looked sadly at her. “You haven’t really been available to do much.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I watched her turn away from me and I knew that I was getting to her.
“I understand. It’s new and you’re testing the relationship. I get that. I did it too.” I was finding it harder as the seconds went by to contain my anger. I wanted nothing more than to slap her across her face. “But you can’t expect me to have time to talk to you about much when I see you between classes and that’s all. You’ve been distant since you found out about the tumor and really haven’t even confided in me at all.”
“I’m sorry,” she stuttered softly.
I realized then that the only thing that was going to get her to spill to me was to make her guilty. She was cracking under it already and I hadn’t even started yet.
“You didn’t even tell me about your tumor until the day before you found out! I’m supposed to be your best friend, Alexa! You’ve always told me everything and now all of a sudden, I’m not good enough to share with?”
“Aid, you know that’s not true!”
“Then what is true? You’re still hiding something from me. I’ve seen it on your face since our lunch the other day. You think me hiding my stupid nightmare is bad? What you’re hiding is so much worse. You’re face is screaming it right now!” I hissed.
“Please, Aid, let’s enjoy this vacation and when we get home, I swear I will tell you. I don’t know how you always know I am hiding something, but I am not ruining this trip for everyone.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Let’s just drop it, please. Drop me off last and we will talk.”
So I did drop it. That was enough for me and I acted like I didn’t know what she was going to tell me. I wanted to enjoy this. I wanted to have fun here and pretend like everything was normal. I hugged her tightly and sighed. “Fine. When we get home then.”
We walked out of the room and found the boys sitting on the couch. They were silent and looked uncomfortable with each other after their little argument. The weather was softly playing on the TV. I frowned at it as I saw the little snow flakes and the low temperatures on the screen.
“The snow is coming in quick,” Ryder grumbled.
“It is Christmas break. I think we all knew it was coming at some point in the next week,” I said laughing.
“Yeah but we’re gonna get a damn blizzard and end up stuck here through Christmas,” Ethan argued.
“If it gets that bad then we’ll leave early. It’ll be fine. Can we please just enjoy this,” I said irritated. He definitely didn’t want to be here and it was becoming more and more clear.
We all decided it would be fun to play poker. That lasted for a few hours and we each threw in ten dollars so we’d have a little more incentive for healthy competition. It always made it much more intense because everyone would just mess around if there wasn’t a prize. I always found it hilarious to watch how vicious Ryder and Ethan got in Texas Hold ’Em. They were like tigers fighting over a piece of meat.
I, on the other hand, was silent and watched everyone. It was my way of picking up on all of their signs. My demeanor never changed and none of them could figure out what I was going to do next. Alexa was the worst of us all. She got really giggly and her good hands always showed on her face. The problem with her good hands was that most of the time, they weren’t that good. When she was bluffing, she would just giggle and that always gave her away.
Ethan wasn’t so easy when it came to knowing if he had a good hand but he did have a tendency to make a lot of random smart ass comments toward Ryder when he did. When he was lying through his teeth, he would always touch his face. The best thing about him was he had no idea he was doing it because I could always count on that sign.
Ryder was the hardest to figure out. Like his personality, he was very unpredictable. I could never tell with him and I liked that because none of them could with me either. Occasionally, Ryder’s right sh
oulder would twitch and it was only when he was bluffing. That only happened sometimes though and it was unreliable.
After two hours, Alexa had been the first to lose. We all knew she would be and I smirked when she threw down her last cards in defeat. “We can’t all win,” Ryder said smiling at her. I wanted to give him a high five for continuing to make those two uncomfortable even after getting his ass chewed by my dumbass “boyfriend”.
“Nope, I suppose you’re right,” she laughed and then smiled back. I then heard a loud thump under the table and Ryder smiled at Ethan in pain.
“Sorry, man, my foot slipped,” Ethan snarled at Ryder.
“No big deal. Your foot must be trying to take out the future winner of the forty dollars,” Ryder barked back through clenched teeth.
“Enough boys. I think we all know that the only one winning here is going to be me,” I said smiling sweetly at them both. Ryder laughed loudly and Ethan rolled his eyes at me. “Don’t you roll your eyes at me, Ethan.”
He didn’t say anything back but sighed loudly. His attention on the game wasn’t kept for long and after another ten minutes, I could see the glossed over look on his face. His eyes wandered around the room over to Alexa every few seconds. He wanted nothing to do with this game or me. The realization didn’t make me feel heartbroken; it just filled me with a bitterness I had never experienced before. As I dealt the next hand, Alexa walked down the hall and I could hear her footsteps pounding against the stairs to the top floor.
Ethan’s eyes veered toward the stairs and I could tell that he was going to throw this game. He lifted his cards to make it seem as though he was really studying them. Had I not been watching him like a hawk, I never would have noticed it but he had never looked at his cards. I could feel my face getting hot as the anger boiled inside.
I felt a light squeeze above my knee and I instantly snapped back into reality. My eyes met Ryder’s and calm melted over my aggravated mood. We checked all the way around until the final flip. All I had at this point was a pair of fours, which was not enough to bet much against either of them, but I saw what Ethan was doing.
He pushed all of his chips into the middle and smiled as a four of clubs joined the other four cards in the middle of the table. He smiled widely, which didn’t touch his eyes, and then scratched his face with the back of his hand. “All in,” he said confidently.