I smiled back at him. I didn’t know what to feel or how to feel. I just thought that right then and there, I died and gone to heaven. I was not expecting Ryder to make that commitment. I thought it was a physical thing for him, but he was willing to make it exclusive between us. And somehow, that thought was as breathtaking as it is scary and confusing for me. But right now, my desire for Ryder prevents me from thinking far beyond and ahead. I’ll deal with that thought in the morning.
“Well… you know I haven’t… before you. And I haven’t…” I stammered.
A glitter lit in his eyes and he gave me a kiss on the lips. “You mean to say you haven’t been with any guy but me.”
I nodded shyly.
“Then we both have nothing to worry about.” He said. He leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the lips. Then he nuzzled my neck again.
“Why are we doing this, Ryder?” I whispered.
He stared at me. “Because I want you, Astrid. Not in the make-believe games that we play. I want you… for real.”
I kissed his jaw. “And everything Ryder Van Woodsen wants, Ryder Van Woodsen gets.”
He stared at me deeply. And I thought I saw a shadow behind his eyes. He shook his head. “Not everything…” And then without another word, he lost himself in me.
***
When I woke up that morning, I was naked and wrapped in Ryder’s arms. I felt comfortable and safe… adored and protected.
I heaved a sigh. It had been an exhausting lovemaking. I was almost afraid it would consume all of me. I lost myself to Ryder last night. All of me. I didn’t think, I didn’t speak, I just… felt. I felt him inside me. And now, it makes me want to stay locked in his arms forever.
I stared up at him. He was still sleeping. I knew he had a long day yesterday. He might want to sleep most of the day today. I’ve imposed too much on him. But he was brilliant! He was the perfect fiancé and I’m sure my family does not have a doubt in their minds that I was okay now. That the Bryan-Geena episode no longer bothers me. That my engagement with this wonderful, sweet guy is real.
I propped up on my elbow and watched him sleep. He has a handsome face… with his chiseled features, his perfect nose, the slight cleft on his chin, his long lashes. He was perfect.
Ryder and I, when we’re together on equal footing, felt like we’re two pieces of a puzzle. We compliment each other, we read each other’s thoughts, we finish each other’s sentences. We make a great team. He makes me laugh. He saves me from hell. He encourages me to be better. He would have been the perfect boyfriend, perfect fiancé. But he’s still a complicated man, with a complicated life.
He may want me now, but I’m not sure I could keep up with him for real. When this is all over, he will still be the heir of the Van Woodsen empire. He is everything I tried to avoid since Kevin Moore and his mother insulted me over at dinner many years ago. And Ryder’s family is probably a hundred times richer than they were.
I don’t think I can afford to break my heart again. And not with Ryder. He is ten times the man that Bryan or Kevin were. Ten times the man I want! And I was afraid I would hurt ten times more if he breaks my heart. And my heart… is the one thing I have left to protect.
I reached forward and gave him a kiss on the lips. Suddenly, his arms tightened around me, he kissed me back. He laid me on the bed and kissed me thoroughly.
“Good morning.” He said.
I smiled. I touched his cheek with my palm. “Good morning.”
He smiled at me mischievously and then all of a sudden he was on top of me and he was kissing me hungrily. The fire inside me ignited again and soon, I was screaming his name in the gates of Nirvana.
When we woke up, it was already nine in the morning.
“I’m going to the hotel.” I told him. “What are you up to today?”
“I’m coming with you.” He replied.
“Don’t you have work to do?” I asked.
He shook his head. “When my fiancée is in the city, I’m all hers.”
I giggled. “You are too sweet! But I’m not really your fiancée, so you don’t have to go to hell and back for me.”
“As far as your family, and my friends know, you are my fiancée. I’m not going to go down in history as being the first unromantic Van Woodsen.”
“Really? Your family has that tradition?”
He nodded. “Well, save for my father, who’s too romantic. Apparently, he forgot that the tradition meant he’s only supposed to be romantic to one.”
“You’re not like him?”
He shook his head.
“I thought heirs and tycoons like you should have a line of women waiting for them?”
“There may be a line, but that doesn’t mean I have to take my pick every single time.”
“Why is that? You said to me last night that you don’t bring women here. You don’t have condoms in your wallet. Why?”
“Why not? So I don’t have plenty of sex. What’s the big deal?”
“You’re not gay.”
“Hell no!” He said. “You of all people should be able to tell that!”
I laughed. “Then why don’t you have sex all the time like guys of your age and privilege do?”
He shrugged. “I don’t pick sexual partners overnight like some men do. I’ve always been pretty cautious. And besides… why would you share your bed with someone you can’t bare to look at in the morning?”
“Supermodels and girls who look like Alizia are running after you. They’re beautiful! Why can’t you bare to look at them in the morning?”
“Because it’s all clothes and makeup.” He replied. “Nothing much underneath.”
“And you don’t like women who wear nice clothes and makeup?”
“I want one who looks more beautiful without makeup and wearing the simplest of clothes. Someone who looks prettier in the morning, with her skin so fresh and her hair disheveled against the pillows. Someone whose smile in the morning is brighter than the sunshine.” He said solemnly and looking at me deeply.
I stared back at him, not knowing what to say. I don’t know why, but I knew I was blushing.
“Someone whose cheeks turn the darkest shade of pink at a mere compliment I throw her way.”
I turned away from him. Instantly, I felt him tilt my chin so I can look into his eyes.
“Yes, Astrid. Just in case you were wondering. I was talking about you.”
I sighed. “You’re still Ryder Van Woodsen.”
“So?”
“So we will never work.” I said to him. “Someday we’ll drift apart from each other and I will lose you… and I don’t want that, Ryder. I would rather have you as a friend and know that I can call you or see you once in a while than lose you forever. You’ve… grown too dear to me. So we cannot insist on making this real. And besides… I’m not ready to commit myself just yet.”
He sighed and somehow, I detected a hint of frustration in him. He stared at me and said, “So until then we’ll just be friends?”
“We will always be… just friends.”
“For your information, friends don’t do what we did last night and this morning.” He argued.
“That was a slip.” I said, turning red again. “We really have to stop, Ryder.”
He leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the lips. I kissed him back. When he pulled away from me, he said, “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I reached out and pinched him in his arm as hard as I could.
“Ouch!” He yelped.
He took both my hands and pinned them at the top of my head. I struggled to get away from him but he was too strong for me. Then he leaned forward and kissed me again thoroughly. And then we were both lost again after that.
When it was over, we both lied down in bed staring at each other thoughtfully.
“I’m serious, Ryder. We have to stop.”
“Hmmm…” Was all he said.
I took a deep breath. “I’ll make you a deal. New York.” I sai
d. I cannot believe I was going to do this again, but somehow, with Ryder, I just can’t seem to help myself. I don’t want to want him, but damn, I do! I can’t help but give in to him… at least one more time. For the last time, I promised myself.
“I’m listening.” He said.
“It ends when I leave New York.”
He took a minute and then he answered, “Okay. I won’t make advances on you when we get back to Malibu. But until then, I have a whole weekend to do whatever I want with you.”
“Can you do me a favor?” I asked.
“Anything for you, Ash.”
“Can you stop being Ryder Van Woodsen for a day?”
“What do you mean?”
“I meant no expensive cars, no platinum credit cards, no high-class restaurants, no expensive presents. I want you to be you. Just you.” I stared at him. “Like the bartender I met that night.” And I knew I asked him this because that bartender seemed more real to me. That guy seemed more like the guy I can dream to be with.
He smiled, and this smile really touched his eyes. He leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the lips. “Yes. And you, my love, are officially mine today.”
I don’t know how long we made out in bed. We were laughing, tickling each other and chatting. Then we took a shower together. It felt good to be free to express what I feel for Ryder.
He put on a pair of jeans and a white hooded sweater. I smiled because he looks like the boy next door… a beautiful boy next door.
“You can’t take your car.” I reminded him when we were out of his building.
He smiled. Then he pulled me to him and gave me a kiss on the lips. “I know the rules, love.”
We took a cab to the hotel. I told my family that Ryder’s car needed to go for service and thus we have to commute or take a taxi today. My family didn’t mind. The weather was perfect. And besides, it was nice to experience being a first-hand New Yorker.
To my surprise, Ryder knew how to take a bus and the train. He knows the city quite well, and he looks comfortable commuting like… an ordinary person. When we were walking down Sixth Avenue, I was looking at him thoughtfully. It dawned on me, that I really, really like him. Ryder fits in this world too… my world.
He stared at me and smiled and then he put an arm around me and kissed my forehead. I put my arm around his waist and I leaned my head on his shoulder. I knew that right then, in that moment, we were a picture of bliss.
He told my Aunt, Uncle and my mother that we will go somewhere and we’ll meet them back at Macy’s after an hour. Then he took my hand in his and led me out into the streets.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“I want to show you something.” He said.
We walked a couple of blocks and then he led me to a lane where there are bridal shops, stores that sell wedding favors, and then florists.
“Wow!” I beamed as I went inside one bridal shop to study the quality of their wedding gowns.
I was delighted to go to the wedding favors’ shop and saw a variety of materials that I can use for the weddings that I plan.
Ryder was staring at me seriously.
“What?” I asked.
“Weddings happen in New York almost every hour.” He said. “You’ll get plenty of supplies here. And with your ideas, you’d be a hit here.”
I raised at brow.
“Did you not consider branching out?”
“In Manhattan?”
He nodded.
“I’m fairly new. I haven’t even showed profits.”
“But you’re growing at record rate.”
I shook my head. “I’m merely an employee there. It’s not my decision to make.”
He took a deep breath. “I’m sure you can convince your investor.”
“Maybe. But I want to show income first.”
He nodded. Then he took my hand and pulled me out of the shop.
“If I branch out here, then I’d be like you. Half here, half in Malibu.”
He stared at me and his eyes glittered. “Exactly!” And without giving me time to react, he leaned forward and kissed me thoroughly.
Chapter Eighteen
FLOWERS:
An important element that makes up the whole of a wedding. Flowers must go with the theme, and must always match or compliment the motif.
I found my mother in deep conversation with my aunt. When she saw us coming, she turned away, but not before I saw that her eyes were glistening with tears.
I raised a brow at my Aunt but she merely shrugged.
We went back to the hotel. Uncle Reynolds and Ryder had coffee in the living room and I figured it was time to speak to my Mom and Aunt privately.
“What’s going on, Mom?”
She shook her head.
“Mother, I’m not a child anymore. Tell me what’s wrong.”
All of a sudden she launched into a fit.
“Oh my God, Mom!” I said, hugging her.
“Your… father is having an affair!” She burst out.
“What? When?”
“It’s been going on for a while now!” She cried.
“How can you be so sure? Did he confess?”
She shook her head. “But I know… I just know.”
“Mom, you can’t accuse Dad without proof! How can you tell?”
“He’s always away… he’s talking to someone secretly on the phone… I know he’s having an affair!”
“Mother, come on. You can’t be sure so don’t stress yourself out. Dad is innocent until proven guilty.”
I tried to console my mother. I know my Dad. He can’t have an affair. He’s too sweet for that. He’s a responsible guy.
Ryder didn’t say much to me on our way back to his apartment. But he held my hand. I was happy about the silence and the comfort he provided.
When we reached his apartment, I picked up my phone and gave my father a call. He wasn’t answering. I tried about ten times, no success.
I stared over at the wonderful New York view in Ryder’s balcony. Tears threatened to pour down my eyes. How could my mother think that my Dad was cheating? Maybe Mom was just being paranoid about the whole thing.
Suddenly, I felt arms wrap around me from behind. Ryder kissed my neck gently.
“You’re ready to talk?” He asked.
I sighed. “I don’t even know what to say.” I said. “My mother thinks my father is cheating. I tried calling my Dad but he wasn’t picking up.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“Confused. I love them both. But if Dad really is cheating, I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive him either. I know what it's like to be cheated on. It’s ugly and it hurts.”
“But you’re better off now, aren’t you?” He asked.
I turned around to face him so I could look into his eyes. “Which Ryder are you now? Ryder, the multi-millionaire, or Ryder, the substitute bartender who saved me from hell?”
“I’m Ryder Van Woodsen, the guy who would go to hell and back for you.” He whispered. “Doesn’t matter whether I’m rich or poor.”
I smiled at him. “Then yes. I’m definitely better off now.” I whispered.
He leaned down and kissed me gently. After the kiss, I sighed and gave him a hug. I leaned my head on his shoulder.
I closed my eyes and inhaled his sweet masculine scent. Ryder, whether rich or poor, is my solid rock. And he’s becoming more precious to me each second. I wish I was ready to jump into a new relationship. I wish Kevin Moore didn’t make me feel I will never be good enough to date a filthy rich guy. I wish Bryan didn’t teach me to protect my heart with my life. I wish Ryder was just a simple guy who would rather hold my heart in his hands than the world full of power and privilege. I wish things were just as easy as ABC or 123. I wish this moment with Ryder would be frozen for eternity. Right here. Right now. Where I’m not afraid to open up my heart again. And Ryder isn’t cynical about women dating him for his money. Here, where we are at equal footing. So I would
n’t have to worry about broken hearts or shattered dreams.
“Can you stay like this forever?” I whispered.
He tightened his arms around me. He sighed. “Can you stay like this forever?” He asked back.
“We’re complicated, Ryder.”
He shook his head. “No. You are complicated, Astrid. Me, I know what I want. It’s you who have to figure out what you want.”