Chapter 26
Gloria
Mak is trying to get me to go home with them. I refuse to be afraid to stay in my own house and I won’t be a burden on them, so I tell her no. She told Kalil that he should take KJ home and she’ll stay here with me. Ha! Who’ll protect who? I’m glad he ignored her. I like him. He’s so protective of her. I don’t think I’ve seen her this happy since Mack was around. And KJ! He’s the sweetest thing ever. I love spending time with him. He has a million questions and talks nonstop. Sometimes I have to ask Mak to translate, but I love it nonetheless. He’s drawing a picture of a tiger for me. It’s unlike any tiger I’ve ever seen, but it’s my tiger. His dad is in the living room watching some kind of sports show. I don’t understand how he can actually be interested in it. It’s just some guys sitting around talking about different clips from all kinds of sports. I guess it’s a man thing. Mak places a cup of tea in front of me and sits in one of the chairs across from us. She sips from her mug and asks KJ what he’s drawing. When he tells her a tiger she asks him why it’s green. He tells her because he said so. She tells him oh and laughs. She blows on her tea and takes another sip before looking up at me. She frowns. I don’t realize I’m crying until she asks me what’s wrong. In spite of everything she’s been through, everything I’ve put her through, she’s sitting here drinking tea with me: the same tea that I once used as a weapon against her. I kiss KJ on his cheek and tell him to go show his dad his drawings. He scampers away and I look back at Mak.
“Ma, I’m okay now. I’m happy. I don’t need to know why you hated us or why you did the things you did. I don’t need closure. We can just start fresh from this moment on,” she says.
I ignore her and say, “I let you and Riley down.”
She looks like she wants to say something, but I put my hand up to silence her. As hard as it may be, this conversation is long overdue.
“When Riley was 14 your father started to pull away from me. I thought it was something I was doing or in a sense wasn’t doing. I tried harder to please him, did almost anything I could think of, but nothing worked. He just grew more and more distant. He was so good with the two of you though, so I endured it. Every once in a while something strange would happen. A hand too low on Riley’s back when he hugged her; a kiss goodnight that lingered too long. It had to be my imagination though, there’s no way my husband could be doing anything wrong. Then he started sleeping in the guest room. Riley started failing her classes. Stopped going out, stopped doing much of anything. When she stopped singing I knew something was definitely wrong. I don’t know what woke me up that night, intuition maybe. I went to your room first. You had on a pair of panties and nothing else. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why you slept like that. I even fussed at you a few times, but you still did it, probably still do.”
I force a small smile. She returns it and shakes her head up and down.
“I thought I heard something in Riley’s room, so I covered you up and went to go check on her. I was in the hallway and almost to her room when your dad came out her door. He still had on his work clothes. His shirt was still open, he was fixing his…”
My hands are trembling. I squeeze them together into a tight ball to try and stop it. Mak gets up from her seat and sits beside me. She actually hugs me. My daughter has the most alluring soul; so forgiving. I regain my composure and go on with what I’m saying.
“He just walked right past me as if it were nothing. I went to the kitchen, got a knife, and followed him to the basement. We fought, tooth and nail. Well, at least I did. It was just a bunch of restraining on his part, at first. When he realized I was seriously trying to kill him that changed. I’m no fighter though. He slapped me around a few times and that almost did me in. When he saw that I wasn’t going to stop he took another approach. He pinned me against the wall and reminded me that we had two daughters, one was still pure, but he could easily change that.”
Mak makes a gagging sound as she gets up and goes to the sink. I follow and give her a glass of water. Maybe this is too much for her. Maybe she’s right and we should just start fresh. I wet some paper towels and wipe her forehead and mouth.
She goes back to where she was sitting and says, “I’m okay.”
I don’t move. I’m hoping Kalil or KJ will come in and interrupt us, but they don’t. She’s still looking at me, but I can’t tell her anymore. I think she’s heard enough.
She reaches for my hand and says, “I can handle it Ma, tell me.”
I take her hand and sit down.
“Somehow I got close enough to stab him. I think he thought I put the knife down. I aimed for his heart, but he twisted his body and it went in his arm. He hit me and I passed out. When I woke up he was gone. It was four in the morning and he had taken you and Riley and I had no idea where y’all were.” The memory chokes me up. I’d never been so worried in my life. I called everyone I knew, called him a million times. They were gone almost two days. I even called the cops. They said I had no proof he kidnapped them and there was no law against him taking his daughters on a “vacation.”
“I remember that night. We went to a hotel and ordered room service. We had so much food, but Riley wouldn’t eat. She kept asking when we were going home. She didn’t wanna stay in the room, so we spent most of the day at the pool. He had to come down and get us to go to bed. I fought her that night. I wanted to sleep in the bed with him and she wouldn’t let me.” She’s crying. Now that she knows the reason behind those events she feels bad. She shouldn’t. She had no idea her dad was a monster. I shake my head up and down and squeeze her hand.
“He said if I tried to leave him he’d get joint custody. He’d have visitation rights and he’d have you both to himself, by himself. He told me to think about how easy it was for him to take both of you and the next time he wouldn’t bring the two of you back. I put padlocks on the bedroom doors. You listened more than Riley, but sometimes both of you would forget to lock them. Some nights I would wake up and the two of you would be in bed with me.”
“Riley would come to my room and get me some nights. She’d always make up something about you wanting us to sleep in your bed,” she says.
“For years I prayed for him to die. When he finally did, it didn’t make me feel any better. I could never look Riley in her eyes and then she tried to come and tell me what was happening. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want her to know that I knew, but I think she did. I wanted her to hate me. I wanted you to hate me. I don’t know why, but I hit her. The look she gave me told me she hated me. I went with it. I told her to leave, never call you, and never come back.”
I look over at her. She doesn’t look mad. I wonder if she’s purposely hiding her emotions. She’s good at that. She only lets you see the emotions she wants you to see. Not when she’s around Kalil though. With him she’s like an open book, she can hide nothing. I glance towards the living room. I only hear the TV. KJ isn’t talking anymore, so he must be asleep.
“That still left you. You were so upset about him dying. I didn’t know how to tell you it was a good thing. You were depressed because your world had ended. You had just lost the second man who meant the most to you. The only time you showed any signs of life was when you performed. Even then you always asked if I thought he would have been proud of you. You always said you did it for him. I hated that you placed him on such a high pedestal. I hated that the one thing you loved so much became synonymous with him, so I took it away from you. I never thought you were fat, you were always so beautiful.”
I caress her cheek. She places her hand on top of mine and smiles at me. It’s a real smile.
“I needed you to hate me, so I wouldn’t feel so guilty, so I did whatever I could think of to make you feel that way. It was selfish and I know I can never take it back, but I’m so sorry. I really am. I never meant any of the things I said or did. I didn’t know anything about the pictures, I didn’t know about the panties in the basement.”
I need to say more. I want her to know how sorry I am. How if I had the chance I’d change everything I did to her and Riley. My mouth is opened, but the words I formulate in my mind are stuck in my throat. She hugs me and tells me not to cry. She says everything will be okay in time. In this moment I know that I’m truly blessed.
“I never hated you, just the things you did, and I never stopped loving you,” she says.
I hug her tighter.
“Even when I thought you needed to be committed,” she adds.
We both smile. I know she’s holding back tears. I can’t imagine how she must feel knowing all of this. She kisses my cheek.
“I’m going outside for a little bit.”
The temperature has dropped and I thought I heard rain earlier. Gymnastics has always been her outlet.
“Don’t stay out too long, it’s getting cold.” I get up from the table and go towards the living room.
Kalil
Someone’s calling my name. It’s not Mak, but it’s a female. This could be very bad. I peek through one eye and see her mom. Thank you, Jesus.
“I didn’t wanna wake you, but I think she’s had enough of me for one night and I don’t want her outside alone. I’ll take KJ upstairs and you can go out with her.”
KJ is on my lap asleep. She doesn’t give me time to respond. She scoops him up and heads for the stairs.
“You have to make him use the bathroom.”
She smiles as she looks back at me. “I haven’t forgotten how to raise a child.”
I go through the kitchen and go outside. Mak looks at me when I step out. She’s been crying. Her eyes look swollen. Now that I’m thinking about it, her mom’s eyes were the same way. I wonder if they talked about her dad. I also wonder why Mak’s taking her shirt off. She turns her back to me. She was wearing heels when we came here. She’s wearing a pair of sneakers now, but she still has her tights on. It’s cold out here. She doesn’t seem to notice. She walks off the deck and puts her phone on the railing. The beat for B.O.B’s “Don’t Let Me Fall” starts to play. I walk to the edge of the deck and lean against it to watch her. Her eyes are closed. She’s slowly pacing back and forth in front of the deck. Her hands are raised above her head and her fingers are moving as though she’s playing the piano along with the beat. When the drums come in she takes off. I’ve seen her flipping before, but never like this; never this fast. She’s almost a blur. She’s getting close to the fence. I’m not sure if her eyes are still closed. Just when I’m about to call her name to stop her, she stops herself just short of the fence. Her eyes really are still closed. It dawns on me that this obviously isn’t her first time doing this. She probably knows every inch of this yard. She uses her hands to play imaginary drums to the beat of the music. She takes a few steps in my direction then does a flip to her right side. This one is slower. Her moves are exaggerated and deliberate. She turns back to my direction and does the same thing only forward this time. She does it twice before going back to her drums. Her eyes are still closed. She goes into a handstand and spreads her legs open into a split before balancing herself on one hand. Seriously?! How is she so damn strong? She puts her other hand back down and flips herself onto her feet. She takes a few steps and flips without using her hands. She does this twice. How does she continue to defy gravity and make it look so effortless? Why did she pick this song? She’s dancing now, her version of ballet. I love the way she does it. She seems relaxed. Like nothing or no one can touch her. It’s cold outside, but she’s obviously hot. The contrast in the temperature and her body heat makes steam rise from her. The spotlight on the back porch transforms the steam into a glowing mist that surrounds her. She’s gorgeous. My angel. Her eyes are still closed. She’s flipping again. This time she doesn’t stop at the fence. She flips off of it. When she lands she goes into her slow flips again. She doesn’t stop until she gets to the other side of the yard. She leans against the fence for a while. Her eyes are still closed, but I think she’s crying. She takes a step back and kicks the fence as she lets out a frustrated “grunt-yell.” When I move to go to her, she starts flipping again. Fast this time. She does that hovering thing a few times and stops when she gets to the other side of the fence. The song is starting to fade. She covers her face as she squats and leans against the fence. It hurts me to see her in so much pain. I need to make it better. When I get to her I grab her hands and pull her up to me. Her hands are freezing, but the rest of her body is burning up. She’s actually sweating. I let her cry. It doesn’t last long. Now that she’s still the temperature actually affects her. She shivers a little.
“This is what happens when you strip without my permission.”
She smiles.
“Come on, let’s go inside.”
She leans into me. I practically have to carry her in. I can’t tell if she’s that tired or if she’s just being lazy. I don’t mind either way. I’ll carry her anywhere.
We go up to her room and she makes me watch Kevin Hart doing stand-up. She’s laughing her ass off. Obviously she’s loud though because her mom yells for her to be quiet and go to bed. She tries to stop laughing, but can’t, so she closes the door. When she finally falls asleep I get up and go downstairs. Stanley still has a key. After making sure all the doors and windows are locked I check the other bedrooms to see where her mom put KJ. He’s not in any of them, so he’s probably in her bed. I wonder how awkward it would be for me to check on him. I knock on her door. After a few seconds she tells me to come in. I open the door a little, but I don’t go in. She’s sitting up against the pillows reading the book Mak picked up earlier. KJ is in bed beside her and snoring.
“I just wanted to check on him.”
“He’s okay.”
Her smile doesn’t look practiced like it did the first time I saw her. It looks genuine. She looks happy. Like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders.
I point to the doorknob and say “I’m going to lock this.”
“Okay.”
I turn to leave and she calls my name. She says thank you when I look back. I know there’s more to that than me locking her door.
“No problem.”
I go back to Mak’s room. She’s still asleep. I lock her door as well then go back downstairs. I don’t think Stanley is crazy enough to come back here tonight, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. I lie down on the couch and turn the TV back on.