Sway waves his hand in the air. “You’re thinking of that fake, cum-splatter porn. This is arty, classy, lady porn.”
Huh?
“We’re investing in this chick’s company,” Sway continues, ignoring our what the fuck? faces. “I want to protect our investment. She meets regular, ordinary dudes, fucks ‘em in hotels or wherever, and films it.”
“Sounds classy,” Rock says in a flat voice.
Rock’s sarcasm goes right over Sway’s head. “She has a big following. Stella Starr.”
Rock and I shake our heads.
“Oh, she’s beautiful!” Hope says, making all three of us stare at her.
Rock squeezes her a little tighter. “Why have you heard of her and I haven’t?”
She lets out a soft laugh and puts her hand on his face. “She writes a column for a feminist blog I follow.”
Sway snorts. “Just admit you watch her movies, Hope.”
The muscles in Rock’s jaw clench, but Hope laughs. “Oh, I have. She’s quite talented. Her film company’s making a lot of money from what I’ve read. Sounds like an excellent investment, Sway,” she says, sounding completely sincere.
He nods and puffs out his chest before getting up to find a drink. Once he’s out of range, Hope jokingly raises her hand. “Question—why was he okay with me sitting in on this business discussion, but he had such a hissy the last time he was here and I was at the breakfast table?”
Rock shakes with laughter and pulls her against his chest, so I answer the question. “If I had to guess, he was trying to make you uncomfortable, hoping you’d flip out and do something crazy, like forbid Rock to go anywhere near the girl. That’s what Tawny would do.”
“Exactly,” Rock says, pointing at me.
“Oops, sorry. Should I pretend to be outraged when he comes back?”
Again, Rock laughs, then pulls her closer and whispers in her ear something that sounds an awful lot like, “Do you need to be fucked?”
“For fuck’s sake, prez,” I grumble. “Take that to your house, would ya?”
He grins and slaps my arm, while a red-faced Hope laughs.
“Do I even want to know?” Wrath asks, walking up and tapping the side of the couch with his boot to get Rock’s attention.
“Probably not,” I answer.
Hope flashes a wicked grin before asking, “Feel like playing security guard to porn stars?”
Wrath’s gaze darts to Rock. “Uh, no. The only thing worse than babysitting strippers is babysitting porn stars.” His forehead wrinkles. “Why?”
“Sway’s investing in porn,” I explain.
He turns around and leaves the room without another word.
“Well, I guess Wrath won’t be signing up for that job,” Hope jokes.
“You’re full of it tonight, aren’t you?” Rock asks.
“I may have had some wine with Trin earlier,” she confesses.
I’m wracking my brain, trying to come up with a subtle way to ask about her going shopping with Heidi, but finally give up and just blurt it out. “Have you seen Heidi?”
All humor disappears from her face. “Actually, yes. I took her shopping today.”
“How is she?” I ask, trying to hide my eagerness and failing miserably.
Her green eyes blink under worried brows and she glances at Rock, as if asking whether she should answer the question. “We found a dress,” she says softly.
I can’t stand her feeling sorry for me, so I swallow down the pain in my throat and force a smile. “That’s good. I’m sure she looked beautiful.”
She doesn’t say anything else, so I attempt to shift the conversation. “I heard Teller was a dick to her.”
“I think he’s having a hard time with his little sister getting married.”
“Aren’t we all?” I mutter.
Today’s the day.
I wake up sick to my stomach. Not from alcohol, which I haven’t touched since Arizona. Not from having a strange girl in my bed—I’m alone. No, I’m ill from the sounds in the hallway. Happy, girlish voices.
Heidi and her friends. Hope and Trinity. They’re using Hope and Rock’s old room right down the hall to get Heidi ready for the wedding.
This is it. My last chance to convince Heidi not to do this.
Dex catches me outside my bedroom door. My intentions must be clear, because he holds out his fist. “You got this, bro.” I bump his knuckles.
I run into Hope next. “Can you buy me a few minutes to talk to Heidi?” I ask.
She stares at me for a minute. “You’re not going to upset her, are you?”
“I don’t want to. I just need to talk to her for a minute.”
“Okay. She’s almost ready. I’ll grab Penny and have her help me downstairs.”
“Thank you.”
Once I have the all-clear, I slip into the room. Heidi glances up. She seems startled to find me instead of Hope or one of her girlfriends.
“Murphy? W-what’s—what are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you.”
Her bottom lip wobbles. “About what?”
I take a few steps closer, drinking in all the beautiful details about her. Hating that everything is for another man. The right words won’t come to me, but if I don’t say something, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
“Please don’t do this.” There. It’s out. I can’t believe I fucking said it.
The tears threatening to fall when she meets my eyes make me feel like shit. But I said it, so I better fucking finish before I lose her for good.
“I love you. I’ve always loved you. We can work things out between us.” My voice is rough from fear and the unfamiliar sound of begging.
“Blake, I love you, too.”
Thank God.
“As a friend.”
Fuck me.
My mouth opens to plead my case again, but she cuts me off. Her cheeks are red but the shine is gone from her eyes. “I cannot believe you have the arrogance to come here on my wedding day and do this to me.”
What the what?
“How many more ways should I explain it? I love Axel. We’re getting married. If you’re really my friend, you’ll sit in the front, with the rest of the family, and be happy for me.”
“Heidi—”
Her fists ball up and she stomps her foot. It reminds me of all the times she did it in the past, and I’d laugh because it was so fucking cute.
It’s not cute now. It feels like life or death. “Just stop!” Shit. She yells any louder, everyone’s gonna come running up here. “Can you do it or not?” she asks in a quieter voice.
“What?”
“Be happy for me.”
“No.”
She reels back as if I slapped her and sucks in a deep breath. “Then you should leave.”
“How can you expect me to be happy about watching the woman I love marry another man?”
“You don’t love me in that way.”
There are lots of things I’m on the fence about. Heidi has never been one of them. “I love you in every single way.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” she insists. But her voice sounds forced, as if she’s trying to convince herself.
I take a step closer. “You’re wrong. I know everything about you.”
She shakes her head while her mouth curves into a sad smile. “You know the pain-in-the- ass kid sister, the girl who annoyed you with her crush on you—”
“You never annoyed me.”
She snorts. “I’ll never be the kind of girl you want.”
“You’re already the girl I want. Just the way you are. I love the woman you’ve become. I love how strong you are. How fearless.” I reach out to brush a loose strand of hair off her cheek and she flinches. “I love your beautiful face.”
“You just want to cross me off your list and move on—”
“Jesus. How can you say that? You’re the one who doesn’t know me.”
“Yeah, I do. You?
??re the big manwhore who should probably be dipped in a vat of Lysol along with my brother.”
I should be insulted, but I can’t help chuckling. Heidi laughs, too, but there’s no joy in it. “Heidi, can you be reasonable for one second? I’m eight years older than you. What did you want me to do? Half the time I was just trying to forget about you.”
She makes this groaning sound of disgust. Apparently, she didn’t find my admission flattering.
“What about our ride? Our spring break trip?”
“I can’t. At the time, I thought maybe we could—but now. I can’t.” Her gaze slides to the door and her teeth nibble at her bottom lip. For a brief second, I’m almost sure she’s about to say fuck it and leave the clubhouse with me. Forget all about the wedding. Bye-bye, so long, Axel.
Then, she opens her mouth and rests her hand over her stomach. The pain in my chest threatens to crush me, whatever she’s about to say will shred every last bit of hope I’m clinging to. “I’m pregnant. We’re having a baby. Axel and I are having a baby,” she whispers.
A thousand emotions and memories slam into me at once. Heidi begging me to play dolls with her when she was little. How scared she must be right now. How much I want to murder Axel.
Why this wedding happened so suddenly.
It takes a few seconds to process the news that Heidi’s going to be a mother, but my response is automatic. “It doesn’t matter to me. You don’t have to marry him because of—I—”
She cuts me off before I explain that I have enough love for her and ten children. “He proposed before we found out. I said yes before we found out,” she says more forcefully.
I struggle to come up with another argument. Anything to stop her from making a huge mistake out of fear. “Does Marcel know?”
Her cheeks redden and she lowers her gaze. “No. And if you’re really my friend, if you really care about me, you’ll let me tell him on my own when I’m ready.”
Fuck that are the words on the tip of my tongue. But I stop myself. If I break her trust and tell her brother, it will make every shitty thing she thinks about me true. Even if she’s marrying someone else, I love her too much to have her hate me.
“I won’t say anything. I promise.”
She meets my eyes briefly. “Thank you.”
Someone knocks on the door and my throat closes tight.
Time’s up.
My chest’s ripping apart. Despair like I’ve never known burns through my veins. I’ve used every last argument, and I’m still losing the person I love more than anything. I’m all out of words.
Heidi takes a few deep breaths and swipes under her eyes before calling out, “Come in.”
“Are you almost ready, honey?” It’s Hope. I can’t turn around and face her. Can’t let her see how I laid out my heart to Heidi.
And it didn’t change a thing. She’s still marrying him.
There’s nothing left for me to say.
My heart pounds so hard, I’m positive Murphy can hear it. Our eyes meet and hold. It takes every ounce of self-control not to curl my hands into his flannel shirt and ask him to take me away.
No matter what he said earlier, saddling him with a kid that’s not his is a horrible thing to do. To him and to my baby. My mother tried it several times, and I always suffered because of it.
And I love Axel. I do.
I’m barely even aware of Hope in the room as Blake shakes his head, turns and walks out the door. I can’t take any air into my lungs, knowing I hurt him.
Lied to him.
“Heidi?”
I gasp, struggling to draw in a breath, and tears well up.
“Honey, please don’t cry. We don’t have time to re-do your makeup.” Hope pulls me into a hug, and I try not to smudge my makeup off on her pretty dress.
“I—I hurt Murphy. I didn’t want to hurt him.”
“I know you didn’t. He’ll be…fine.” There’s a catch in Hope’s voice, as if she doesn’t believe her own words, and it cuts me even deeper.
My pathetic sniffles fill the room, but I manage to somehow keep any tears from rolling down my perfectly blushed and glowing cheeks.
“I told him about the baby,” I whisper.
“Oh boy,” Hope mutters.
“He promised not to tell my brother.”
She nods. “Then he won’t.”
“It doesn’t matter if he does. I hate that I hurt him.”
“I know.”
“I don’t even think he cared, Hope. When…when I told Axel, he was so angry with me. But—”
“Heidi?”
Too late, I realize what I just admitted.
“Never mind. I better get out there.”
She bites her bottom lip and then opens her mouth, but someone knocks on the door before she says anything.
“Hi, beautiful bride!” Hope’s friend Mara says as she walks in. Her husband’s a judge and will be performing the ceremony. I spent a lot of time with Mara when we were getting ready for Hope’s wedding and like her a lot. She’s really sweet and never talks to me like I’m a dumb kid.
She embraces me and kisses my cheek. “You’re beautiful. Are you ready?”
“I think so.”
Hope’s still wearing her worried expression. “Heidi, let’s take a minute—”
“No. Hope, it’s fine. Will you tell Uncle Rock I’m ready?”
I have to endure a few more seconds of her intense stare before she leaves to find Rock. Mara steps out of the room and I’m all alone. My only friend from high school who I’m still close to, Penny, is up front with Lucas and Axel.
Honestly, for a hastily thrown together affair, everything is beautiful. I can’t believe how much Trinity accomplished on such short notice. I try to focus on wedding details, because being alone gives me way too much time to let my mind wander where it shouldn’t.
How many hours of my life did I squander daydreaming how perfect life would be if Blake and I could be together? Marrying Axel splashes gasoline all over that bridge and drops the match. I can never go back. This is it.
I said a lot of horrible things I didn’t mean to Blake in order to push him away. Otherwise, I would have given in and left the clubhouse with him.
Marrying Axel is the right thing to do. It only feels wrong because I’m scared. It’s the only thing I can do. Axel hasn’t been enthusiastic about the baby yet, but he will be in time.
“Hey, Heidi-girl. Are you ready?” Rock asks from the doorway.
Clutching the skirt of my dress, I cross the room. “I’m ready.”
One of his big hands settles under my chin, lifting my face so he can look in my eyes. I’m scared of whatever words he’s considering. “Heidi, are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes. Very much, Uncle Rock.”
Lie.
He blows out a frustrated breath but nods and holds his arm out for me.
My brother decided this morning he was too furious to give me away, so Rock stepped in. He’s been the closest I’ve ever had to a father, so it seems appropriate.
My breath catches when we walk down the stairs. Every member of the club is here. Bricks is here with his girlfriend and their kids. Even Sparky made his way out of the basement. A few guys I recognize from the downstate club even came. They all turn to watch us descend.
We stop at the bottom landing to meet Marcel. He wraps me in a tight embrace. “I love you so much, baby sis,” he rasps out. When I pull away, I swear I see tears glittering in his eyes. I’ve never seen Marcel cry once in my life, and the thought of him fighting tears because of me has me ready to bawl.
I barely manage to keep it together as he and Rock nod at each other. Then, my brother holds his arm out to walk me down the aisle, something he swore he wouldn’t do.
Warmth replaces some of the uncertainty in my heart, and my hand flutters over my stomach. My child will grow up with a big, loving family around and never, ever be lonely, the way I was. She’ll know who her father is and grow u
p feeling loved and wanted. I’ll be the best mother ever. Once the baby’s here, Axel will be the father I know he can be.
My whole life, hope and heartbreak have been pretty much the same thing.
As we walk down the aisle, I’m not sure which emotion is stronger.
After leaving Heidi, I trudge down the stairs like a zombie. Trinity has turned the clubhouse into something beautiful for the wedding. She spots me and strides over, setting her hand on my arm.
“Are you okay?” she whispers.
I can’t lie to Trinity and there’s no point. I’m sure my misery’s written all over my face. Her concern makes me feel worse. She’s someone else I’ve treated like shit over the years. I don’t deserve her concern.
I can see the hesitation on her face. She wants to hug me. But she won’t. Not because Wrath’s watching us from a few feet away, but because she doesn’t want to do anything to embarrass me in front of everyone. I love her even more for it.
“I’ll be okay.”
“We all thought it would be you.”
“I know.”
She doesn’t apologize, but I see remorse in the way her eyes shine. “Don’t go there, Trin. I fucked this up on my own. It’s on me.”
She shakes her head but doesn’t say anything.
“You look beautiful,” I say, nodding at her dress.
“Thanks.”
“You did an incredible job here.” The words hurt like nails in my throat, but I know how much effort Trinity put into this, even though Heidi hasn’t always been nice to her—also my fault. “Everything looks perfect for her.”
Her smile is forced.
“Get back to your man before he kicks my ass,” I say, giving her a small shove.
Her mouth quirks up and she pats my shoulder.
Wrath slips his arm around her waist and whispers in her ear when she returns. I watch them together for a minute and all I want to do is leave. Eat concrete for as many miles as it takes to forget all the mistakes I’ve made. Everywhere my gaze lands, I see shit I’ve fucked up.
Trinity. I’ve been half in love with her since I was sixteen years old. Never treated her right.
Axel, who I chased out of the club.