“I'm sorry if I lose it. I think I'm going to Alex, and I'm really so for you. I know you've secretly wanted this, so I'm really sorry I'm going to lose it.”
“You might not, Sadie.”
“I think I probably will Alex so you need to be prepared, okay? But it's not as bad as you think. I remember it was just there and then it was gone. I don't think it's so bad, really. But I don't want you to be sad,” I choked through my tears.
“I'm okay, baby. If we lose it, I'll be okay. We can have another baby later, but if we don't have another I'll still be happy with you. I want you to know that, Sadie. I am happy about this baby, and I want to be happy with you. So please just try to be happy. For me? If the baby is okay, will you promise to try to be happy about it? Please?”
“Okay,” I whispered and that was all I could say in that moment.
But I didn't lose the baby that time, and 2 days later I left the hospital with Alexander.
My parents weren't called, and neither were his. We were going to wait to tell them until I was in the clear which wasn't going to be for a while. I was again extremely anemic so put on medication, and I was given strict orders to limit my time standing and walking. I wasn't necessarily put on bed rest, but it was recommended that I spend more than 12 hours a day lying down and resting.
So Alexander and I took life day by day. We had essentially decided to keep the baby though neither of us actually said we were. It just became a given after the miscarriage scare that we were keeping the baby.
Alexander still worked and I still didn't attend school. We spent every chance we could together in my apartment, and eventually the days and weeks passed before us. Before we knew it we hit 16 weeks, and I was considered safe from an immediate miscarriage. I could relax a little, and I remember the relief so clearly on Alex's face when we had the 16 week ultrasound.
We decided to find out the sex, and to my humor and relief we found out we were having a boy. Alexander was ecstatic, whooping and clapping his hands together as he bent and kissed me and my stomach. He would have wanted either gender I knew, but I think he really wanted a boy.
And I wanted a boy because girls scared the hell out of me. I didn't want a girl to have a life like I did. And though I would have never allowed it, girls could be physically hurt much more easily than boys could, and I feared that every day of my life. So I was relieved that we would be having a boy.
So the day after our ultrasound, Alexander and I went to tell his parents about the baby with me nervously holding his hand. I didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to see his mother's face when he told her I was pregnant. I remember not wanting to know what they really thought of me, but after much begging from Alex I gave in and went to the Hamilton's house.
When we drove to his parents’ house, I told Alexander they were going to think I trapped him. I knew they would think I did this on purpose. I said they would probably say I was a tramp or a whore and they would hate me, but he disagreed.
I was told NO ONE would ever speak to me like that, especially his family. He held my hand during the drive and I could see how excited he was to finally tell people we were having a baby.
When we arrived, Alexander's oldest sister, who was already married with 2 young sons greeted us at the door, and I knew she knew. She introduced herself, but looked right at my tiny baby bump. Leaning in for a hug, she smiled at me and whispered, “Congratulations, Sadie,” and I exhaled.
When Mary hugged Alex it was for much longer and he smiled and shook his head and grinned at something she was saying to him. They were whispering together, but he kept looking at me with a wink and I knew I was safe from Mary's judgments.
When we were all introduced again, Mr. Hamilton offered me a drink which I immediately declined even as Alex stiffened beside me. And I remember feeling insulted that he would think so little of me by then. I was pissed actually.
In the 4 months since this had all began, I had cut my smoking to 3 cigarettes a day, which was completely psychological at that point, and I hadn't had one single drink, or even a Tylenol. I had tried to put on some weight for the baby and for myself. I did everything I was supposed to do, but Alex had stiffened and I was pissed.
Releasing his hand, I found myself near tears. Wanting this announcement over, I just spilled it right there in the front entranceway. Not even seated around the dining room table, I spilled our secret.
“I'm pregnant. And Alexander wants to keep it. And he says he loves me, and that's it.”
And in the momentary silence that followed, I heard his brother say something that sounded an awful lot like whore and I laughed. Standing there, fisting my hands against my sides, I laughed like an idiot when I heard the word whore, because I expected it and I knew it was coming, and I was right.
“Told you, Alex,” I laughed. Turning to his mother I continued. “Look, I get it. You met me once when I was too shy to speak, once when I was drunk, and now you're finding out I'm pregnant. Why wouldn't you think I was a whore trying to trap your son, but-”
“Sadie!” Alex tried to interrupt.
“But I'm not a whore, and I wasn't trying to trap Alex. I didn't even want to do this, but he did. Your son loves me and he wants to have a baby with me, and we almost lost it, but then we didn't and Alex wants this baby with me. Oh, and it's a boy,” I yelled. Realizing my voice was raised, I scaled back a little. “I'm sorry for all this but I'm not a whore, I'm just weird, and I have some issues but Alexander wants to be with me anyway. And-”
“I love Sadie, and we're doing this and we're getting married.” Turning my head toward him I remember thinking he probably should've asked me first. “And if you ever speak about her like that again, I'll fucking kill you. Got it, Chris?”
When Mary asked, ‘When are you getting married?’ to break the tension between brothers, I could've kissed her.
“Very soon,” Alex replied. “We don't want our baby to be a bastard, right Sadie?” He smirked at me and I again starting laughing.
Mrs. Hamilton with her unyielding grace, once again extended me a courtesy I didn't know if I deserved.
“Congratulations, Sadie. I wish you and Alexander much happiness,” and then she hugged me. Bracing for it I knew it would come and it did. Whispering, she said, “I don't think you deserve my son, but I do hope you prove me wrong.”
And nodding against her hair, I replied, “I don't think I will, but I’ll try,” as she pulled away from me. And I then understood what I was up against. Mrs. Hamilton would always dislike me unless I made her like me, which was going to be hard.
But within minutes, my life changed again. Mary took a liking to me immediately, and as the oldest sibling of 5, she seemed to set the tone. Alexander's other 2 sisters weren't there, and his brother Chris bolted before dinner. So Mary, her lovely husband Darrell and their 2 little boys, Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton, Alex and I sat and tried to eat dinner. I ate what I could, which wasn't much, and I waited patiently for the time to come when Alex and I could get the hell out of there.
Eventually, the conversation turned to weddings and that was it. Mary and Mrs. Hamilton had the whole thing planned for a New Year’s wedding. Mrs. Hamilton got one shot in when she said I would at least be bundled up, so I would look less tacky pregnant on my wedding day, but I let it slide. I already knew what I would look like to everyone else. I would look like my mother had looked, and I hated that.
When Alex and I finally left, Mrs. Hamilton hugged me goodbye and patted my stomach while smiling. If nothing else, I did think she was genuinely happy about being a grandmother again, so I had that working for me.
Mary hugged me as well and handed me her phone number in case I needed any pregnancy advice which was nice of her.
And then after a generic goodbye to Darrell and Mr. Hamilton, Alex and I walked quietly to the car.
“Sadie, I want you to-”
“Please, Alex. I'm so tired and I don't really want to talk anymore. I'm mad that you were nervous I
would drink, which was insulting. And apparently I'm getting married in 3 months even though I don’t remember you asking me, so I have a lot to think about. One thing I will say though; my parents won't be anything like yours. So prepare yourself. You're going to be very disappointed if you think there will be any drama from my parents.”
“I don't want any drama-”
And suddenly laughing, I couldn't help it. “Well then, you picked the wrong girl to love.”
CHAPTER 26
3 months later we had Christmas Eve with my parents, and Christmas Day with the Hamilton's, and it was nice. Everyone was excited about our wedding and willing to overlook all the negatives that we were facing together because Alex and I were struggling. He was paid very little while interning, and I wasn't working or going to school, but my student loan repayment schedule had already begun. We lived in my apartment still, but dreamed of a little house of our own for us and the baby.
Alex and I knew we would be okay in the future, it was just the immediate that was a little shaky, but he never worried too much. He seemed to think it would all work out. Alex told me he would always take care of us and he wasn't worried about our long term life together.
Alex talked about my baby shower gifts, and our wedding gifts as a kind of lifeline to our future. And he worked really hard, keeping up his medical studies, and interning every chance he could to bring in more money for us.
And I did offer to help. I looked for a part time job but Alex wanted me safe at home until the baby arrived because the near miscarriage made him fear me doing too much. And though I had been given the clear to carry on about the world, Alex wasn't comfortable with it, so he took on the full burden of our finances, until our baby was born.
*****
So 2 days before our wedding, Alexander and I said our short-lived goodbye. His mother insisted he spent the night before our wedding at their home, and Alex had to work straight through the night before that, so we weren't going to see each other for 2 full nights and days until the ceremony on New Year’s Eve.
And I remember being upset by that. I knew I would be lonely and freak out a little. I knew I would, and I knew Alexander knew I would. So he promised to call me hourly so I could hear his voice. He promised he would stop by in the morning after his shift before he went to his parents’ house for his stag day only, because we didn't have a Stag and Doe. I had no Does except my mother and his 3 sisters, plus I was very pregnant and tired and not really the party type anyway.
I wasn’t into having a Doe myself but Alexander was having a stag day/night on the day/night before our wedding because it was mandatory. Even his father and my father would be there. It was a rite of passage apparently that he HAD TO have. Everyone insisted, even my mother and Mrs. Hamilton, to my surprise.
And I wasn't mad about it because I actually understood. I knew Alex had cut off most of his friends to be with me always, so I really wanted him to have fun. But like the saint he was, Alex offered to cancel when he learned we would be apart the entire day and night after he worked a night shift at the clinic. He offered, but I felt bad enough about keeping him from a little fun, so I lied and said I wanted him to go have his last hurrah. Which I did, and didn't.
I didn't want to be alone, but I wanted Alexander to be happy, so I said goodbye.
Remembering those 36 hours, I know Alex did call me from the clinic hourly. He woke me up a few times and apologized, but I didn't care. Once again, Alex did as he promised and I was able to hear his voice through the night. He spoke to me quietly and lovingly. He promised me the world and I believed him.
I knew in less than 2 years he would be a practicing Chiropractor and he would be successful. I knew he would be a success because Alexander Hamilton made himself successful at everything he did. He made himself attain everything he wanted.
One day we would have a nice home for our baby and a nice life for ourselves. Alex promised me a wonderful future and I believed him.
The following morning after his shift, Alex did show up. With a gorgeous necklace I didn't know how he purchased, he handed me a white gold necklace with a little diamond encrusted key pendant. Holding the necklace I looked at Alexander while thinking of all the ways he had mattered to me.
I thought of all the doors he had opened with a key. I remember holding the beautiful necklace wedding gift from Alexander knowing this was the absolute best decision of my life.
Grinning, I remember Alex putting the necklace on me as he burst out laughing. And when I looked at him in confusion, he tried to speak through his laughter.
“I had all these stupid lines and pathetic clichés to say to you. You are the key to my heart. I am the key to your soul. This is the key to our beginning.” Grinning back at him, he continued. “It was really cheesy. Even I laughed at myself in the car this morning,” he laughed again. “It's all true, but it sounded so corny, I couldn't do it. Anyway, all that IS true, but basically I thought you would love it, so I bought it for you. I know you're not the flashy jewelry-type, thank god...” he smiled again “…but I wanted you to have a special wedding gift from me that mattered.” And it did.
“I love it, Alex,” I said kissing him hard. Crawling onto his lap, I kissed him thoroughly. I wanted to show him how much I loved it. I wanted to love him the way he loved me. I wanted to show my love, so I tried.
Pulling Alexander on the bed beside me, I started undressing him. And fighting his clothes, he finally helped me.
“Sadie?”
“It's okay. We'll just push this belly out of the way,” I grinned.
“I don't think we should. We haven't in months. Well, we haven't since the baby. We can try on our wedding night if you want.” But I wanted Alex now.
“I want you right now.”
“Please, baby. I can't now. I'm scared to hurt you and I'm not ready to be gentle,” he grinned. But I didn't care. I needed Alex and I wanted him.
“Alex I need you to be with me. We haven't in months, and I want to before you leave me,” I begged.
“I'm not leaving you Sadie,” he said sitting up on his elbows. “I'm not leaving you, I'm just not going to see you for like 37 hours or something. But we'll see each other tomorrow night at 8:00.”
“I know but I want you now. I need you to be with me in case you forget me when you leave me,” I cried out. And I remember thinking I was being irrational. I remember knowing I was irrational at the time, but I couldn't stop myself. I was desperate for him.
“Sadie, stop.”
But I didn't. Grabbing for his crouch, I pulled at his fly as I pushed my hand inside. Feeling him stiffen the second I touched him, encouraged me. But when he moved his hips to get away, I grabbed him accidentally to keep him in place.
“Shit, Sadie! Stop it. I'm not having sex with you right now, so let go,” he snapped. And I did.
Sitting back on my heels, I remember looking at Alexander totally embarrassed again. I certainly didn't mean to hurt him, and I never thought I would act so sexually aggressive, at least not while awake, because what I did in my sleep was different and we both knew it. I couldn't fight that need because I was sleeping, and Alexander never held it against me.
“Let me take care of you,” he said moving off the bed. But I didn't want that.
“No, it's okay. I just wanted to thank you for the beautiful necklace and I wanted you to know I wanted you even though it's been months since we were together. But I don't need to be serviced, Alex,” I said as he flinched at my poor word choice.
“I wasn't going to service you. I was going to be with you until you felt secure again. I want you too, but not now- not as a 10 minute quicky before I leave, and not when you're being all intense. Tomorrow night however all bets are off. We're going to make love on our wedding night, okay?” He asked trying to hide his anger. But I could see it. I had offended him and I was sorry for that.
“I didn't mean to say that. I know it's not like that with us. I'm just tired and frustrated and I like be
ing with you. You're good for me and I know that and I wanted to show you, that's all,” I mumbled embarrassed again.
Trying to ease down the tension like he always did, Alex sat back on the bed beside me and hugged me. Wrapping me in the warmth I needed, he kissed me. Actually, he kissed the holy hell out of me, and then he leaned against my forehead and said, “Tomorrow night, Sadie. I promise to rock your world,” and I grinned. “I'll work around this huge belly of yours, and I’ll make you happy, I promise.”
“Okay. Tomorrow night. 37 hours away. I'll wait for you then. Do you think we could sneak out between the ceremony and the New Year’s reception party?”
“Yup. We can even sound believable when we say you need to go lie down for an hour because you're tired.”
“An hour?” I teased.
“An hour and a half,” he teased back.
“I'm sorry I'm so weird, Alexander.”
“I love you Sade- weirdness and all.”
“Good,” and I kissed him again. A long, deep, pull him toward me until he settled in beside me kiss. Kissing him and wrapping my leg over his hip, I remember wanting to devour him. I wanted Alexander to remember this strange morning always. I wanted him to know I was into this completely, and no longer scared or nervous, or insecure about him and our relationship. I remember wanting him to know I was into him completely, and I would try to be a really good wife for him.
“Please stop, Sade,” he groaned against my lips, and I smiled.
“Sorry...”
“I’ve got to go. I have to, or I'll do exactly what you're trying to make me do to you.”
“I triple dog dare you to do it,” I laughed as he jumped up from my bed groaning again.