I remember looking at his erection in his partially unzipped jeans and wanting it so badly. I remember staring at him as he adjusted himself and re-zipped his jeans. I remember the look on his face as he watched the look on my face.
“I hope to hell you still feel this way tomorrow. If your hormones change again and you don't want me this way, I'm going to explode, just to let you know.”
“I will,” I breathed deeply through my arousal.
“I love you, Sadie, but I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?”
“Okay,” I said. But I couldn't hide the sadness in my voice. I remember trying, but the sadness came through anyway.
“I don't know what I'm doing today- Stag secrets and all, but I'll call you whenever I can. I know your mom is picking you up at 3:00 for your nail appointment so I'll call after that, okay?”
“Okay.”
And as he started walking back for my front door, I said the best I could under the circumstances.
“I love that you love me, Alex.”
“I love you too, Sadie,” he replied from my doorway with a beautiful smile.
And then he left me.
Alex left me, and that night the inevitable happened like I knew it would.
CHAPTER 27
He came to me.
I know in hindsight it was expected. I know in hindsight I knew it would happen. I know in hindsight it was truly inevitable.
Remembering my time with Alex earlier in the day I know I was scared of this happening. I know I knew He would come to me. I knew He would come and so I acted out with Alex.
I wanted Alexander to make love to me so that He couldn't. I knew He was coming for me and I wanted Alexander to be the man I was with. I know I did. And that's why I tried so hard to seduce Alex.
But I failed.
And my stranger came back to me that night.
*****
When I woke from my sleep at 2:12 in the morning, He was standing over my bed.
He was there and I knew He had come for me. He was standing over my bed and I wasn't even afraid of His sudden presence because I had known He was coming for me. I had always known He would be back for me one night, and He finally was.
I remember sitting up slowly, pulling my comforter with me until I was propped against the headboard. I remember staring at Him as He stared back at me. I remember knowing I was awake and my stranger was in front of me in my bedroom where Alexander should be. I knew He was there and I hated Him for coming back for me.
“Don't,” I said into the silence of my room. But He moved closer anyway. “Please, don't. I don't want you anymore. I don’t know if I ever really did. I just didn't know any better back then. I was young and confused and you messed with my head then.”
But He ignored me and sat on the end of my bed, even as I pulled my legs up close to my chest to protect Alexander's baby from Him.
And when He suddenly lunged at me, I tried. I moved as best as I could but He was so much bigger and stronger than me. He easily held me still. He easily held my wrists above my head as He forced His mouth onto mine.
Fighting and turning my head frantically, I tried to use my feet against the mattress to give me leverage. I tried to fight, but the baby was getting in the way. I tried to fight until He crushed Himself against my stomach to flatten me to the bed. He crushed Alexander's baby, and I was afraid... So I stopped fighting.
I remember I stopped fighting, instantly. I gave up and I gave in. I did nothing in that moment, so He would get off the baby.
When He grabbed my face with a hand, I used my free hand to scratch His face hard. I used it quickly to hit His face until He grabbed my hand again, pushed more weight on the baby and put both my wrists into His left hand. Using His free hand He pushed down hard in the middle of my stomach until I stilled again totally panicked and in pain.
And I remember being shocked that He would use the baby as the means to still me. I remember thinking He wasn't the same. I remember being stunned that He seemed so vicious to me, because those weren't the memories I always had of Him.
To me He had always been a glorious lover who loved me. My soul mate. My life.
So I didn't fight Him anymore, but I cried.
When He grabbed my face hard again, I let Him. I stayed still as He forced a kiss from me. I kept my mouth still but I didn't fight Him, and eventually He lifted some of His weight off my stomach.
Kissing me, He was ruthless. Biting and sucking, He made my lips bleed as I stayed still beneath Him. I was still but He remained ruthless, even as I cried.
When He moved down my body, I remember thinking I would have my chance to fight. Because I did want to fight, I really did. I remember thinking of Alexander and the life he was going to give me and I wanted to fight the stranger because this wasn't the life I wanted anymore.
With Alex I woke to a reality I had never known. Alexander HAD changed me, and I wanted my life with Alex now. I realized in that moment that I was different and it was Alexander who I wanted in my life. So I told Him.
“I don't want you anymore, I really don't. You mean nothing to me anymore. You are nothing but a nightmare to me now.” But He didn't care.
Moving down my body He slowly released my hands as He stared at my face, but before I could try to fight Him, He placed a hand firmly in the middle of my stomach again with force. He pushed His hand down and I understood the threat. I knew in that instant that He would hurt my baby if I fought Him, so I stilled again, even as I cried.
Lifting my hips He settled my legs over His shoulders as He made His way down my bed. Quickly holding my stomach again, He lifted my t-shirt and to my horror, He took me with His mouth like He used to.
And I honestly felt nothing. I lied there hearing Him suck and lick at me as I cried. I listened to the sounds He made with repulsion. I listened but laid perfectly still to His moans as He tried to devour my lifeless body.
But I didn't move and I didn't react. I lay silently crying and deathly still with the weight of His hand on my stomach keeping me immobile.
And I remember lying there thinking of anything but what was happening to my body. I remember thinking of walking down the aisle to Alexander Hamilton. I remember thinking of Alexander's mouth on me. I remember thinking of Alexander's kisses, and his hands, and his body deep inside me. I remember thinking of how few times I was able to enjoy him before we couldn't any longer with the pregnancy. And I remember thinking of how long it would be until I could have Alexander deep inside me again. I thought of Alexander for the first time with my stranger.
Through all the dreams of my stranger, Alexander was just the prop I used to get me off. Alexander was the tool I used when I dreamt of my stranger making love to me. Alex serviced me while I thought of, and craved, and needed my stranger.
And I remember that moment of clarity.
I thought of Alexander... and everything changed for me.
Arching into Alex, I felt him lap me up. I felt him impale me and suck me and tease me with his tongue. I arched into him as I cried out with my need. I ached for more and I demanded it.
Begging and fighting, I took his face into me until the need grew and I stiffened with my impending release.
Holding him tightly to my body, I screamed out when he impaled me hard and fast with his fingers. Screaming for Alexander, I shuddered my release into his mouth. Frantic with my need I twisted and turned my body to him as he thrust into me quickly from behind.
Collapsing onto my shoulder my free hand rubbed and teased my body as he took me as hard as I demanded. Feeling Alexander bruise my hips with his hands ramped me up higher as I rubbed myself frantically. I needed and I took, fucking Alex as hard and as fast as I could.
And when I felt Alexander bite my shoulder, I arched into the pain and screamed for him in my sudden release.
“We were born for each other,” he groaned into my soul.
“I know!” I screamed through my frenzy.
“You are mine
.”
“Always…” I cried.
The orgasm that took me suddenly was blinding. In a flash, I remember knowing my absolute reality. I loved Alexander. He was my soul mate and my love.
In that moment of divine clarity when I was left hanging between my orgasm and my death, I knew the life I wanted. I knew who I loved. And I knew He was gone.
“I love you,” I cried out to Alex in the chaos of my room.
In my post-orgasmic haze, as I collapsed on my side, I was done.
As I fell into unconsciousness I promised myself I would never ache again. I knew I would never have to wait again, because Alexander was always going to be there waiting for me to need him.
I was going to be Sadie Hamilton, a wife and mother, and I decided I would never wait again.
And I tried.
CHAPTER 28
We were married later that day on New Year’s Eve, just like Mary and Mrs. Hamilton chose, and it was beautiful. The night was cold but so clear we all saw stars through the glass ceiling of the hotel banquet center where we had our reception.
And Alex and the ceremony were perfect. He was gorgeous in his tux, and so charming and funny that by the end of the ceremony he had everyone half in love with him, including me.
His vows were long and loving and so specific to our reality, I choked up. And though I failed miserably trying to recite my own less beautiful, less loving vows, Alex didn't seem to care. Smiling, he prompted to me to finish my slaughtered vows so he could kiss me. He even said as much to me during the ceremony to everyone's humor.
And I laughed.
When we were formally announced as husband and wife, Alex finally kissed me deep and long, until his annoying brother cleared his throat and nudged us, again to the humor of all in attendance.
And that was it.
Alexander and I greeted way too many guests I did and didn't know, and we had our photos taken, and we waited out the crowd until we could disappear upstairs to the room waiting for us between the ceremony and reception. And we had exactly an hour and a half as he had planned.
When Alex attempted to lift me over the threshold of our room, we both burst out laughing when he feigned a back injury, but he lifted me anyway and deposited me in the middle of the room as I waited.
“You look so beautiful, Sadie. I couldn't keep my eyes off you through the ceremony,” he whispered as he slid down the zipper on the back of my dress.
Panicking for a second, I pulled away and shut off the light. With only the glow of the night in our room I hoped Alex couldn't see the bruises he had left on me.
I didn't know how to hide them forever, but for our wedding night I didn't want Alex to know he had hurt me, because I knew Alex would never forgive himself for hurting me.
When I walked back to Alex he kissed me deeply. Taking my face into his hands, he held me to him as he kissed away my anxiety.
Slipping my empire waist gown down my body he knelt in front of my white slip and kissed my huge stomach.
“Can we wait? Do you mind if we wait until later so I can take my time with you? I don't want to rush and I don't want to think about hurrying back to our reception. I just want to be with you later when we can take our time. Do you mind?” And I didn't for more reasons than Alex could possibly understand.
“No, I don't mind,” I whispered as I held him tightly to my stomach.
“Good. Come here, baby.” And taking me, Alex and I crawled into the bed and lay beside each other. We spooned, and he warmed me instantly. I forgot about everything but him and our life together. I forgot about everything until I was woken an hour later by Alex asking me to get ready for our reception.
But before we left our hotel room I took one last look at myself, and I approved.
I wore an off white, flapper-type dress which helped hide my huge stomach, with simple beige kitten heals. I looked pretty cute actually with my hair all swept up, and my makeup fresh and light.
The bruise and bite on my lip from Alex was hidden by a dark pink lipstick which seemed to make my skin glow. Looking at myself I realized I didn't look sallow, and I didn't feel like haggard, skinny, pale Sadie Adams. Looking in the mirror, I felt like pretty, newly married Sadie Hamilton, wife to Alexander.
After kissing my neck and telling me I looked beautiful again, Alex took my hand as we made the way downstairs to our huge reception. And once we greeted everyone, we were introduced by the DJ, and we danced our first dance together before Alex's friends and family.
After our first dance, I danced with my father, and Alexander danced with his mother, until we switched out parents again. And it was fine, if not slightly awkward dancing with Mr. Hamilton while he tried desperately to dance with me without touching my extended stomach. He tried, and I felt a little more comfortable with him as the dance progressed.
“I hope you're very happy, Sadie. I know Alex is,” Mr. Hamilton said as he leaned down to me.
“I am Mr. Hamilton. Alex makes me very happy,” I replied as he nodded.
Looking at Alex, he was waiting for me to make eye contact so he could smile and wink at me. Dancing with my mother looked awkward, but she was enjoying herself. Laughing and spinning a totally uncomfortable Alex, my mother made their dance a production for the crowd, to my father’s humor I could see.
And when the third required dance was over, Alexander and I rejoined and kissed slowly in front of the crowd. He held me close and spoke to me softly, and loved me totally. He was amazing and I was happy, finally.
“You make me so happy, Alex,” I breathed against his lips, as he pulled us tighter. And so we danced through another song.
Afterward, when people were lined up for the 11:00 buffet, Alex and I again made the rounds. He did most of the talking, but I tried. I tried to be friendly to his friends and family but it was hard. Of the 18 tables at our reception, only 2 were of my people. The rest were all Alexander's family, friends, and his family's friends.
I was severely, embarrassingly under-peopled at our reception, and I felt awkward when I recognized a few faces from high school. I was so different, and I felt so different, and I didn’t know which Sadie Alex’s friends were thinking of. So when my mother motioned for us, I quickly pulled Alex to my parent's table.
After kissing and speaking to my Aunt Helen and Uncle Tom, Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton joined us at my parent's table, as my mother introduced my aunts and uncles, and my parents best friends Patricia and Tom, and Holly and Warren to the Hamiltons.
And watching quietly, it seemed like everyone got along well, and our reception seemed to be a real success, so I found myself relaxing a little.
Seconds before midnight, the DJ announced Alexander and I as the 10 second countdown was ending, so everyone cheered for us and the New Year simultaneously, which was pretty cool. Alex and I kissed our nuptials as everyone cheered and clapped the mixture of our wedding and the New Year, and I remember it was truly a special moment in time.
But by 12:30, Alexander handed me a plate of food and made me sit and eat. I hadn't attended the pre-ceremony dinner the other guests had, so really I hadn't eaten in close to 7 hours, and he knew it. Alex then bent and kissed my stomach and removed my heels while he rubbed my aching feet. He paid attention to things like that and he always took care of me.
When I was eating, he whispered, “half an hour,” as I raised an eyebrow at his sexy grin.
Teasing, I quickly scooped a huge amount of food into my mouth like a pig and said, “Make it twenty,” as he burst out laughing. And when I looked away from Alex I spotted Mrs. Hamilton watching us so I smiled at her with my mouth full. And amazingly, she quickly smiled back at me, which felt good. It felt like maybe I could prove myself to her one day.
25 minutes later, Alexander and I made our parting announcements, thanked everyone for attending, thanked our parents for throwing us our wonderful wedding, and then we bolted. Not even waiting for the exit line to be fully formed, we walked through quickly, leaving all the guests b
ehind to continue partying away the New Year.
And so began our marriage.
Alexander undressed me and made slow love to me that night. He held himself above me by his arms and he leaned in for kisses as best as he could. We spent the night making love and talking.
We spoke about our day and night and about our future. We spoke about everything he wanted, and I even added my own wants to the conversation for the first time since we had been together.
We were happy and in love and I felt safe and loved in his arms while I slept.
The following morning was brutal however.
Waking slowly, I forgot about the bruises Alex gave me and I let the sheets slip from my huge body. Leaning into him with eyes closed, I was stunned when he aggressively pushed me away from him onto my back.
Opening my eyes, I looked up at him in shock and confusion until he reached for my hip and studied my skin. Trying to pull away, I remember the absolute panic I felt. I remember fearing he would know. I remember fearing he would leave me.
Begging, I yelled, “They're nothing. It's nothing, Alex,” but he ignored me. Turning me, he pushed my body around until I had to fight a nauseous gag. Turning my face from his, I gagged into my hand as I cried.
“I'm so sorry, Sadie. I didn't realize I was so hard on you,” he choked out. And I should have hidden the bruises better because I didn't want him to know, and I didn't want him to suffer unnecessarily, but I just forgot in my sleep.
“I'm fine, Alex. I loved being with you last night. It's probably the anemia making me bruise easily. That's all. You didn't hurt me at all. I promise everything was good last night. You were good and I loved being with you.”
“But you didn't get off, I did! And you're all bruised, and I'm an asshole!” He yelled jumping from the bed while pacing back and forth.