“You aren't! You were wonderful. You know I can't orgasm easily. You know I can't! And I was tired and worn out, but I will. Everything's fine, Alex,” I yelled desperately.
“You orgasm when you're with Him in your head!” He barked into our room.
“I don't anymore. I don't! He's gone. He's over for me. I think of you now. Totally. Always. I swear, Alex! It's just you. Remember you said one day I would think of only you, well I do now. It's just you, I swear!” I begged while trying to get out of the bed.
Reaching for him, he pushed my hand away, making me lose my balance. Falling sideways, I landed off the bed onto my side, as Alexander lunged for me.
“I'm sorry! I'm sorry, baby!” He yelled until his voice stopped, and the sudden silence almost killed me. “What the fuck is that, Sadie? Who the fuck bit you?” He yelled grabbing my shoulder and turning my back toward him.
“You! It was you! You bit me when you were excited!”
“I would never bite your shoulder! Are you crazy? Who bit you, Sadie?” He growled at me. “Who fucking bit you?” But I didn't know anymore.
“It was you, Alex. You bit me when you made love to me last night. You bruised me, and you bit me on my shoulder when you were excited. It was you. I promise...” I finished lamely.
Standing back up, Alexander slowly placed me on the bed. Turning from me he stood shaking looking toward the window. Shaking, I could see his distress. Shaking, I remember his confusion and anger.
“It was you, Alex,” I whispered as he turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. Staring at me, he shook his head no. “It was you, Alex. No one else. I was with only you,” I pleaded. “Please believe me. I was only with you lastnight,” I tried to convince him.
Turning from me, Alexander walked away from me. He walked into the bathroom as I cried, and then he walked out of our room as I sobbed.
Alexander Hamilton walked away from me. He left me alone. He left me and I didn't know if he would ever return.
2 hours after he left me I made another mistake. Fighting off my past, I tried so hard- until I lost. Leaving my room, I went to the hotel gift shop and bought a pack of smokes. Walking back to my room, I numbly lit and relit the lighter in my hand. Walking into my room I was in a haze of pain and fear.
When I opened the door, I prayed with everything I had that Alexander was back, but he wasn't. I prayed that he would be back soon, but he wasn't. I prayed for the second time in my life, but again, my prayers weren't answered. Neither came back when I prayed for them, so I decided to stop praying altogether.
I lit a smoke in the bathroom and I drank some vodka. I raided the mini bar and used the little plastic covered glass for my liquor. I sat on the closed toilet and I drank my vodka as I chain smoked.
And I knew. I remember knowing I was making a mistake, but I didn't care. I knew I was being horrible, but I didn't care. I knew I was fucking up royally, but I just didn't care anymore.
All I cared about had walked out of the room.
When I sank into the warm tub, I was disgusted. I did have bruises all over me. My hips had faint blue yellow bruises, and a dark bruise sat right in the middle of my belly. I even had purplish blue bruises on my thighs. I was disgusting and disgusted, but Alexander shouldn't have left me. He should have known I didn't care about the bruises. I only cared about Alex inside me.
Alexander should have known he didn't hurt me and I would welcome his bruises anytime, because we were together and sometimes sex got crazy and bruises were left. Alexander should have known I didn't care about the bruises he left on me, but he left me anyway.
Sinking into the tub, I remember drinking my vodka slowly and smoking my cigarettes rapidly. I remember the feeling of floating in the water while my mind became quieter. I remember feeling like the end was slowly coming for me, but I really didn't care.
I had been married for less than 12 hours, and already Alexander had left me. He had promised me forever, but he meant only for now.
Crying, I remember the devastation I felt because Alexander left me. I remember the humiliation I felt because he left me. I remember hearing the phone ring in my hotel room and ignoring it. I remember thinking my mother would shake her head at me, and Mrs. Hamilton would be thrilled. I remember thinking I had tried and failed again, so Alexander had left me.
Remembering that day, I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't care about the baby at all. I had lost my ability to be logical and loving then. I had given up on pretending to be emotionally well for the baby. I didn't care about the baby anymore, and I didn't care about me anymore. When Alexander left me I stopped caring about everything.
So I poured a third small bottle of vodka and I chain smoked in the tub because I didn't know what else to do. I think I wanted to slowly destroy the body that had betrayed me with it’s bruises.
*****
“Sadie! Wake up! What the hell are you doing?” I heard him, but I ignored the dream. “Wake up, baby! Come on. Wake the hell up!” I heard and felt the slap on my arm.
Stirring, I opened my exhausted eyes to Alexander leaning over me. Confused, I asked the most important question I had. “Are you real?”
“Yes. Oh, shit Sade, what the hell did you do? This shit again?” But I closed my eyes because I knew it wasn't really him anymore. “Sadie!”
“Please stop. I know you're gone. I know you left me. And I’m tired of being lonely all the time,” I slurred.
When I felt my shoulders shaken, I stirred in the ice water. I didn’t understand what the hell was happening, but I remember being so annoyed in the dream that I wanted to push it away forever.
“Come on, Sadie. Wake up!” And then I was lifted out of the freezing water as my body shook uncontrollably and my mind spun. Leaning into the sudden warm of Alexander, I threw up and buried my face into the warmth. “That's awesome, baby. Thank you for that,” he said angrily.
When the glass of vodka was pushed to my mouth, I gulped it down with relief. I thought I was clearly in a dream, and I wasn't enduring Alexander's anger, or his sad return.
“What the hell?” He yelled. “Vodka? Really? You're fucking pregnant! What the hell are you doing?” He yelled again. And turning me I was suddenly face first in the sink as Alexander pushed a toothbrush down my throat until I gagged and threw up again.
“How could you do this? 3 smokes a day to keep you level was one thing, but drinking, Sadie? Even for you, that's a new low. Don't you care about anyone but yourself? What about our baby? What about us? You’re such a selfish bitch!” He yelled in my face as he shook me.
And I remember my anger suddenly flaring. Really? Selfish bitch? Me? I had done NOTHING selfish in 8 years of my life! I had lived to make them happy. I had tried to make THEM happy for the last 8 years of my life. How was I selfish?!
“Fuck you, Alexander!” I screamed and hit. With wide eyes, I looked at his face of shock but I didn't care. “Fuck YOU! I'm not selfish. I tried to be everything you wanted and I faked it when I couldn't. You made me like this and you made me love you loving me and YOU made me fucked up again. YOU LEFT ME! And you promised me forever, but you lied to me, and now I'm waiting again and I'm sick and you did this!! I'm not selfish. You are! YOU LEFT ME!” I screamed as I hit him.
Fighting him, I punched and slapped and tried to get him away from me. I tried everything until he grabbed me by my arms, dragged me out of the bathroom and threw me on the bed. But when Alexander suddenly punched the wall above us, I silenced immediately. I had never seen Alexander this angry, and I was very afraid of his anger suddenly. I was truly scared of Alexander in that moment.
Tugging at the comforter on the floor I slowly wrapped myself in it as I shook and lay down on my side. My hands were blue and my lips quivered. And I was absolutely numb with the cold inside me.
Watching Alexander breathing hard as he tried to calm himself, I was exhausted from all this upset and fear and drama, and from the cold deep inside me.
I don't know why, but
I couldn't stop myself from begging. “I'm so cold Alexander. Would you please warm me like you always do?” And then I cried.
When I was pulled into his arms, I cried harder, even as he tried to soothe me. I remember feeling that day was an absolute nightmare for me, and I was done.
“Why did you leave me?”
“I didn't leave you- I left for a while. There's a difference, Sadie.”
“Not to me.”
“But there is to me. I wouldn't leave you, but I needed to leave. I couldn't take all the confusion anymore. Why did you drink?”
“Because I couldn't take all the confusion anymore.” I threw right back.
“You know you can't drink when you’re pregnant.”
“You know you can't leave when I'm pregnant.”
“Sadie, I was trying to handle everything.”
“So was I.”
And I remember thinking I was being a total brat, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to punish him for leaving me. I wanted to be angry and bitchy and bratty. I wanted him to feel bad for leaving me. I wanted to hate him for leaving me, but I didn't hate him.
Moving my ass against him, I wanted him to make me feel better. I wanted him inside me and around me, until I wasn't angry anymore. I wanted him to love me until I loved him loving me again.
Touching myself, I lifted my leg and placed it on his hip. I wanted to feel Alexander but he wasn't touching me. Rubbing myself, I moaned and felt my arousal slowly climb. I was against Alex and he was so still behind me I should have been embarrassed by his neglect, but I wasn't. I was desperate for his love.
“Who are you thinking about?” He whispered behind me.
“You.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Us. Together. I'm thinking about only you, Alex,” I moaned as I touched myself harder.
When I felt him snap his jeans, I begged. “Please, Alex. Please be with me.”
“Never again, Sadie,” he said as he pushed my fingers away from my body. “Never, ever again. I am the only one inside this body. I am the only one you think about. I am the only one left.”
“Yes...” I moaned as he took me with his fingers. Pumping myself against him, I was alive for him. I felt everything in that moment. I was alive with Alexander Hamilton and I wanted to be alive with him.
“Who are you with, Sadie?”
“You, Alex,” I groaned as he entered me from behind. “Oh, please...” I begged as he slowed inside me. But I wanted more. I needed more. “Please, Alex. I want you. Only you,” I screamed as he slammed into me. “Alexander...” I moaned as he slammed into me again. “Alex!” I screamed when he took me harder. “Alexander! Oh!” I gasped when he began pounding into me from behind as his hand rubbed me from the front.
“Who are you with, Sadie?” He asked holding my hips still as he thrust inside me.
“You, Alex! I'm with you!”
And then the intensity grew and the need crested, and the climax roared as the orgasm tore through me into Alex.
“Who am I?” He yelled through gritted teeth as he came.
“Alex...” I moaned in my insanity.
And then the heaviest silence I have ever known descended upon us. Breathing heavily with my heart pounding, I heard nothing but I felt everything. And I knew, it was Alex I lived for.
“Who were you with the other night, Sadie?”
“You…” I moaned half unconscious, even as I felt him shaking behind me.
*****
We spent 3 days at the hotel as our honeymoon gift from my parents. We spent 3 days loving each other. We spent 3 days happily in our hotel cocoon, until we left for home.
And we remained happy. We continued our days as a happily married couple, coping and struggling day by day.
2 weeks later my baby shower was thrown and we scored. I think people felt badly for us and gave a little more than they normally would have, but we graciously accepted everything we could for the baby that was coming.
We changed around my bedroom to make room for the crib and we waited for the baby to come with a dining room filled with baby props; strollers, car seats, change pads, blankets, onesies, and an endless supply of baby powders, creams, and diapers.
Laughing at how it was possible for such a small creature to require so much stuff, Alexander and I waited happily for the baby to come.
CHAPTER 29
And then my baby came.
After an atrocious birth, filled with drama and upset, 41 hours later, my baby boy was finally born.
For 41 hours I struggled, and Alex tried to struggle with me, and doctors and nurses tried to ease the struggle inside me, but nothing worked. 41 hours were spent pushing and crying, and screaming for this little shithead to be born. And I was a mess.
Eventually, the control was taken from me, and to Alex and my mother's relief a quick C-section was given to my hundred pound body, to get the little 8 pound asshole out of me, as I was not so affectionately thinking of him by then.
But there he was. 41 hours later, my beautiful baby boy was placed on my chest with Alex standing close helping me hold him. My tiny baby boy was lying on my chest comfortably quiet, as Alex cried silently beside us.
Looking at the little prick who I had just hated, I was overcome with amazement. He was mine. He was so little and beautiful and pretty and just... Mine. He was an absolute angel to me.
And then with no prompting or knowledge of what the hell I was doing, and through my complete and utter exhaustion, I moved him a little higher on my chest and he instantly latched onto me and nursed. He nursed instantly like he knew who I was. He latched onto me in a way that I would never forget. He latched onto me in a way I hope he never lets go of.
Staring at his tiny mouth taking from me, something deep inside me shifted. Something dark died away to be replaced with the birth of something beautiful.
My son was born and I would never be the same.
Thinking of that first moment with my baby I still cry. I still remember the overwhelming feeling of love that hit me. The unbearable need to hold and love him that made me forget all of the pain and agony of his birth. The complete knowledge that I was created for this little baby in my arms.
And I still cry when I think of the tiny baby who saved me.
James Michael Alexander Hamilton was born on a cold day in late February. And he is my life.
Jamie changed me forever and made me the best Sadie Hamilton I could be. From the moment I held him in my arms I changed. I became a mother who would always love and cherish her child. I became the mother of the movies. I became the mother of any child's dreams because I live and breathe for my Jamie.
And amazingly, Alexander never resented my attention to Jamie. He was never jealous or put out by my life with Jamie.
Amazingly, Alexander accepted his place as second in my life, with pride. He never pushed for more than I could give and he never tried to take more than I could offer. Alex was amazing to me as I instantly became Sadie Hamilton, mother to Jamie first, and wife to Alexander, second.
Thinking back on those first few weeks, months and eventually years I can honestly say I changed completely, and for the better. Amazingly, I didn't suffer any post-partum depression at all. I never cried unnecessarily. I never cried from exhaustion. I never cried about anything once my baby was born.
I loved Jamie, and I felt like a switch was thrown in my heart the second he was placed on my chest.
I forgot about my past and I welcomed my future with this little baby of mine.
*****
3 months after Jamie was born, Alexander came home in the afternoon, surprising me. I remember looking like crap still in my early morning sweats, but he didn't seem to care. Jamie was asleep and Alex made me a lovely lunch while I showered and cleaned up. And then we talked.
Alex admitted he was always secretly scared I would go off the rails when the baby was born. He admitted that he had spoken to a counsellor at the clinic he had been interni
ng at to learn what he could do to help me in case I suffered depression after Jamie's birth. He had a homeopathic and herbal supplement ready for me in case I needed it. He was prepared to help me through my new life with our son if I had needed it.
Choking up, Alex told me how relieved and proud he was of me. He told me his love for me had grown a hundred times over and he often wondered how his heart could grow even bigger for me and Jamie, but it did.
At the time, I remember thinking maybe I should have been offended that he was so sure I would freak out; but logically, I think I was always waiting for that, too. So instead of being offended, I kissed him.
And finally, we made love for the first time since Jamie was born. We hadn't moved into our first house yet, and Jamie occupied our bedroom still, so Alex walked me to the living room and we made slow love on the couch, and on the floor once we had fallen off the couch. We made love and it was good.
There was no longer back arching screams of passion, but I think we wouldn't have anyway, for fear of waking Jamie. There wasn't the insane intensity I used to get when I needed, but there was a need. I felt the need to reconnect with Alex, and we did.
A short time after Alex and I finished, lying in each other’s arms talking about the new little house we had bought with our wedding money as down payment, Jamie stirred. And I remember Alex attempting to get him, but I jumped up quicker.
Running for Jamie, I held my little boy as he woke from his nap and I looked at the face that had changed me forever.
I admit I've always been a little obsessed with Jamie. I love him so much I have a hard time not caring for him. And there was a bit of a learning curve between Alex and I where Jamie was concerned in the beginning, but we managed.