Two hours ago I watched Cash ride away. He left for town loaded with guns, ammo, and hope. Gavin had refused to leave me by myself or take me closer to the city, adamant that my pregnancy changed everything. I disagreed but there was no arguing with him.
So Cash went in alone, saying he could get closer to town without extra people tagging along. I knew he was stealthy and had been inside the prison camp before but I still worried about him. Anything could happen. He could get caught or worse, shot. He may not return to us either, another member of our small group lost. Another life taken from me.
I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders as the cold seeped further into my bones. Would I ever be warm again? My sadness chilled me like no cold could.
“He should have been back by now,” Gavin mumbled under his breath, talking more to himself than to me.
I tucked a hair behind my ear and let out a resigned breath. Gavin might come across as tough but he was just as nervous about this trip as I was. If we couldn’t find Ryder this time…well, I didn’t want to think about it.
“We can still make another trip to town if we don’t find him this time,” I reasoned, hoping he would agree with me and put my mind at ease.
He continued pacing but shook his head. “No, this is it.” He slashed his hand through the air, cutting off my suggestion. “Winter is going to be hard on everyone. I don’t want to leave the ranch for too long. People are going to start starving, if they aren’t already. They’ll become even more desperate for supplies. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better. We can’t keep running to town, hoping to find him. We’ve got to be realistic.”
I felt tears behind my eyelids. Staring into the fire, I placed a hand over my stomach. The next few months loomed in front of me, a pregnancy without Ryder. A new life without him. How could I do this?
“I miss him, Gavin,” I whispered. “I’m not sure how to go on. What if he never comes back?”
I couldn’t bring myself to think of Ryder as dead. I couldn’t even utter those words.
Gavin stopped pacing, the tension in his face disappearing. Sighing, he sat down next to me. The log gave under his weight, making me lean toward him. The warmth coming from him was appealing but I scooted away to give him more room.
“Ryder will fight tooth and nail to get back,” he said. “Trust me on that. The guy is stubborn as a mule.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of; he’s too stubborn. He never knows when to quit. If he tried to fight his way out, he may not make it,” I said.
“He’s strong and he’s smart. He’ll do what he needs to do to survive.” He paused a second and stared into the fire. “I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. I’m here and hurting as much as you are. We’ll get through it together. Your baby will have a family.”
My child might have a family but I didn’t want to think about him or her growing up without a father. I knew from experience that having only one parent was hard. I had done it for most of my life. I didn’t want that for my child.
Gavin and I didn’t speak about it again. What more was there to say anyway? Gavin was worried about his brother. I was worried about the person who knew me better than anyone else.
I closed my eyes, listening to the fire crackle and pop. In my mind I saw Ryder watching me. I felt his hands running over my hips, drawing me closer. A single tear tracked down my cheek, followed by another.
I wanted him home.
Chapter Six
I must have fallen asleep because when I woke, the fire was almost out and the sun was rising on the horizon.
Somewhere nearby I heard the nicker of a horse. Gavin and I jumped up, searching for the source of the sound. Gavin grabbed a shotgun lying nearby, ready in case it was a threat instead of whom we hoped it would be.
I stood still, waiting for the person to show themself. My limbs shook. My heart beat too fast. I was both anxious and hopeful. This was the moment I had been waiting on for. The moment I might see Ryder.
Cash walked into our makeshift camp, dragging his horse’s reins behind him.
He was alone.
I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain that stabbed my heart, leaving it in shambles. He didn’t find Ryder.
We waited anxiously as Cash tied the reins to a nearby tree. I could see the exhaustion on his face and feel his despair. When his gaze found mine, I saw sorrow.
No! Please, no!
“Cash?” Gavin asked, his voice cracking.
In the dwindling firelight, I saw Cash swallow hard. “I’m sorry, Gavin.”
Through my tear-filled eyes, I watched as Cash stalked over to the fire and stared intently into the dwindling flames.
My arms lay uselessly by my side. The muscles in my legs became gel-like. Refusing to give into the grief, I wrapped my arms around my middle and waited for Cash to say something. I was afraid to ask but I needed to know. I just couldn’t put the words together.
Suddenly, he exploded. He started yelling, startling me. “Sonofabitch! The fucking bastards!” He kicked dirt into the flames with his heavy boots. “Pieces of shit dickheads!”
I watched in shock, frightened by his outburst. Cash was the reserved one of the group. To see him like this was unnerving. Disheartening.
He ripped off his cowboy hat and flung it off into the distance, frustrated. Putting his hands deep in his pockets, he stared at me across the fire as his anger grew. In two strides, he was in front of me, inches away. I stared up into his eyes and saw hate so powerful it made me take a step back.
“I’m sorry, Maddie. You don’t deserve this shit. He should be here with you and your baby. Not in the ground somewhere or in some hellhole prison,” he said, spitting out each word.
“Back off, Cash,” Gavin said. “Settle down and shut up.”
“Hell no I won’t shut up! This is shit! I’m tired of it!” He threw up his arms in a gesture of giving up and walked away. Abruptly, he stopped and whirled back around. “What kind of life is this anyway? We’re barely surviving! It’s winter and we’re hanging on by a goddamn thread!”
I walked over to him, ignoring the burnt logs only inches from my feet. “Did you see anything? Did you get any clue that he’s there?”
Cash glanced at me, his anger leaving. I saw his body deflate, almost as if he was giving up.
“He’s dead, Maddie. I wished to God I didn’t have to tell you that but he’s dead,” he said in a whisper that was as loud as a shotgun going off.
No.
I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach and tightness squeeze my chest.
“What?” Gavin croaked.
Without answering, Cash picked up a small log and threw it on the fire. It crackled, sparks rising upward.
I took a step closer to Cash. At this distance, he would have no choice except to look me in the eye when he answered my question.
“Is he really dead?” I didn’t want to say the words, but I had to know.
When Cash’s eyes met mine, I saw my answer.
“Yes.”
I resisted the urge to put my hand on my stomach, protecting my baby from the ugliness of the word. I refused to give into the urge to collapse and never get back up.
“How do you know?” I asked, forcing the words out.
“I was able to get to the edge of town. It’s bad. Really bad,” he said, running a hand over his face. “I…I don’t know how anyone can survive in there.” He shook his head, looking bleak. “There was no way I could get in so I decided to head back. As I was leaving, I met up with a guy that escaped, barely getting out with his life. I showed him the picture you gave me of Ryder. The man said he knew him. Said Ryder was shot up pretty bad. He said he saw them dragging his body away to bury it.”
His next words almost killed me.
“He’s gone.”
Chapter Seven
Grief was my constant companion. I knew nothing except sorrow.
Four weeks passed. I survived. I lived. But I was half a wom
an.
Bitter temperatures set in, wrapping cold, icy fingers around us. The days were bleak and the nights were frigid. Each evening we huddled around a fire, wrapped in layers of clothes, listening intently to the shortwave radio. We held our breaths, waiting for news of the war. Hoping for a moment of peace in the terror around us.
But it never came.
The enemy grew, invading the border states and moving inward. Americans fought, both young and old, losing their lives seeking to regain their freedom. How many died, we didn’t know. I’m not sure anyone knew.
We were weak. How could we fight without power? Without communication? The EMP that was dropped on the U.S. months ago crippled the country and left us at the insurgent’s mercy. We had returned to the days of old when men worked with their hands, defended their family, and fought for their freedom. Nothing was easy anymore. Dying was more common than living. Malnutrition was spreading along with starvation and diseases. Our country was in ruins.
At the ranch we were safe from the fighting. We all crowded into Janice and Roger’s home, conserving our heat, sharing our supplies, and making us more secure against outsiders. For us, sticking together meant survival. We learned early on that there was safety in numbers. We became a well-oiled machine, each of us knowing our part in surviving. We were crowded but we were safe. That’s all that mattered.
Our food supply was low but it had not been taken from us to be rationed off to the masses of homeless and hungry in America like it had been elsewhere. We had no curfew, no one to answer to but ourselves. The ranch was the perfect place to bunker down. We were secluded from the terror in the rest of the country, hidden far from the fighting. Well, almost.
For me, the days were long, the nights longer. During the day I worked, carrying my weight around the ranch when I could. At night, I tossed and turned. Ryder haunted me in the middle of the day and in my dreams at night.
“I love you, Maddie.”
I looked into Ryder’s eyes and saw everything I would ever need or want. Placing my hand on the back of his neck, I pulled him to me, dying to feel his mouth on mine.
“I love you too,” I whispered, touching my lips to his. “Don’t ever leave me again.”
His mouth captured mine, urgent and full of need. Grasping my hips, he pulled me closer. I moaned when one of his hands reached beneath my shirt, seeking my breast.
“I never left you, Maddie. I’ve always been here with you,” he said, his lips leaving my mouth to travel to my ear.
He kissed the sensitive skin below my earlobe, leaving heat behind. I sucked in a breath as his fingers brushed the underside of my breast.
“Please, Ryder, I need you,” I whispered, throwing my head back. His mouth moved down my neck, making parts of me scream to be satisfied.
“Tell me how much,” he demanded as his thumb and forefinger found my nipple. “Do you need this?”
I opened my mouth to tell him yes, that’s exactly what I needed, but I never got the chance to say anything.
A shot ripped through the night.
Ryder jerked against me. Another shot rang out and he jerked again, the jolt moving through my body.
I saw his eyes widen fearfully. Stumbling back, his hands dropped away from me, leaving me cold and alone.
I watched in horror as a large circle of blood started spreading on his chest. The redness was like nothing I had ever seen before. It seemed to be a living object, taking over his body, consuming him with its evilness.
I cried out as his hand reached up to touch the blood. Holding his bloody fingers out for me to see, he looked at me with sadness.
“I’m sorry, Maddie,” he said, dropping to his knees in front of me.
“NOOO!” I screamed, catching him before he fell face first into the dirt.
Out of nowhere, I heard thrashing in the woods around us. The noise was loud and foreboding, surrounding us like an attacker circling its prey. Holding Ryder against me, I glanced around, seeking the enemy that did this to him. To us.
Suddenly a few feet away, a baby started crying. Loud wails filled the night, tearing at my insides. I needed to go to my child but I couldn’t let go of Ryder.
“Go take care of our baby, Maddie. Let me go,” he whispered, using the last of his energy to say the words.
“No, I’m not leaving you!” I cried, sobs choking me. Killing me.
“You have to,” he forced out. His hand reached up to touch my face. I could feel the smear of blood he left behind on my cheek, forever branding me.
“I love you, Maddie. Remember that. I’ll love you forever. Now let me go.”
I watched with horror as he drew his last breath.
“NOOO,” I screamed at the top of my lungs, my cries mixing with the baby’s.
Someone grabbed my shoulder and shook me awake.
“Maddie!”
I sprang upright, my chest rising and falling quickly, my breathing ragged and forced. With a shaky hand, I pushed my hair away from my face, feeling the sweat that glistened my forehead. When the bed dipped next to me, I glanced over, scared of who I would find beside me. Or who I wouldn’t find.
Eva sat up, staring at me with concern. My eyes took a moment to adjust to the darkness. I was in Ryder’s old childhood bed. Under his covers. My hand reached down to my stomach, feeling the small roundness. I’m okay. It was all a dream. Just a dream.
Eva touched my arm. Just a small touch to remind me that she was there. Over the last few weeks, she had become more like herself but I knew she was still hurting. I could see it in her eyes when she thought no one was watching. When she spoke, I could hear it in her voice, a voice that no longer sounded like a confident woman but of a girl lost. Afraid.
Most nights, she was beside me when I had nightmares. They were all the same - Ryder dying and me trying to save him. Each time he died and each time I woke up crying.
Lying back down, I pulled the covers up to my chin. My heart raced out of control, tears threatening to choke me. I concentrated on the darkness in the room, bringing myself back under control.
One of Eva’s socked feet touched my leg, her toes nudging my calf, reminding me that I wasn’t alone.
When her nightmares started, I crawled into bed with her, holding her close as she cried. She didn’t want Brody beside her, only me. After a time, it just made sense to share a bed with her. The dropping temperatures made it impossible to heat the entire house so we only heated the rooms we needed. The men bedded down in the living room, sharing the heat from the fireplace, while Janice and Roger slept in their room.
Eva and I shared Ryder’s old room. Our heat came from a makeshift heater that Brody had made using a steel drum. It was turned on its side with a door cut and hinged on one end and a semi-truck exhaust for a flue on the other. Using firewood or whatever else we could find to burn, we tried to keep the fire going long into the night but we always woke up to a cold room in the morning.
“You were crying out for Ryder again,” Eva whispered next to me.
I glanced over at her and snuggled deeper under the blankets. “It was the same dream. He was shot and I watched him die. I held him while he took his last breath,” I said, gripping the covers so tightly that my fingernails left indentations in my palm. “I just wish the nightmares would go away.”
“I don’t think they’ll ever go away,” Eva said. “I want to forget too but I just can’t.”
“I don’t want to forget. I want to dream about Ryder every night but not like that,” I said, tears building in my eyes.
“I never want to dream again,” Eva whispered.
“Maybe if you talked about it…you’ve never said what happened,” I said, watching as she picked at the ends of her hair. “You’ve always been able to tell me anything, Eva.”
She glanced away uneasily. “I can’t talk about it, Maddie.”
I turned to lie on my side, facing her. I couldn’t see the details of her face. Only her silhouette.
“Did they
hurt you?” I asked.
She wiped away her tears quickly, the movement full of self-loathing. Eva hated to cry. She saw it as a form of weakness, saying weak women cried, strong women got up and did something about it. If only we could.
I waited for her to answer my question but she didn’t. She was shutting me out again.
I let out a deep breath. “It’s okay, Eva. You don’t have to tell me anything.”
I closed my eyes and prayed I could sleep without having another nightmare. Just one night without images of Ryder dying, please. The chill in the room made me shiver as my eyelids grew heavier. I was almost asleep when she spoke.
“They beat us, Maddie.”
I opened my eyes, sleep suddenly disappearing.
“Every single day they beat us. We ate stale bread and water. Nothing else. And when they let us sleep, it was only for one or two hours at a time.”
“Oh, Jesus,” I said, my voice breaking.
“Yeah, well, he wasn’t around much,” she said sarcastically.
“I’m sorry Eva.”
She huffed and turned on her side, facing away from me. I stared at the back of her head, wanting to do something - but knowing there was nothing I could do.
“You should have seen what they did to the other women. It was awful. Many of them were raped. I was lucky because I managed to hide behind other people but then I felt like crap. Someone else had taken my place.” She snorted with self-disgust. “And the men were tortured constantly. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the screams. They went on and on, night after night. Day after day. They never stopped. When I close my eyes, I can still hear them.”
My heart pounded harder in my chest. Ryder might have been tortured and starved. He wouldn’t have survive that. He wasn’t made that way. He would have fought them until they beat him to death.