As soon as the back of Austin’s head hit my thigh, I stiffened and the usual panicked thoughts began whirring in my mind. Is my thigh too fat? Is he disgusted by what I feel like beneath the thin dress? Am I repulsive to him? Am I—
Austin was gazing up at me with his almost-blue, pearlescent scarab-esque eyes, just watching me fight through my demons. For some reason, his lack of response to my anxiety helped it fade away. Austin didn’t apologize or pander to my inner panic like he had in the past. He just stayed still and let me ride them out, only patient affection toward me in his open expression.
It was at that moment I realized I had never been so comfortable with someone in my life. It was the closest I had ever felt to normal in years, and my heart filled with a thin veil of hope. Hope that Austin could break through the iron-thick wall around my heart. Hope that this disorder might not deprive me of feeling what it was like to be in love… Hope of being able to be with someone and not cause me to tumble into my thoughts of self-hatred and despair. Hope that opening my heart wouldn’t lead it to break.
Too lost in my head, I hadn’t realized Austin was touching my face until I felt the rough pads of his fingers press gently against my lips.
My eyes slammed to his and his softened with… lust? Excitement? Could this boy actually find me attractive? No… impossible…
“You’re so fuckin’ beautiful, Pix,” he hushed out, interrupting my musings, and I felt those words resonate down in the deepest, darkest part of my soul… taking memories of the voice’s threatening slurs with them.
As I stared at the tattooed, pierced boy below me, I felt my stomach contract in need. In between my thighs was tingling, my breath was coming fast, and I felt as though something inside me was clawing to break free.
Austin’s finger was running up and down my neck, and I felt my nipples pebble inside my small, damp bra. Austin’s finger paused over the thumping pulse on my neck, and his eyes hooded in response.
“Fuck, Pix,” he murmured and turned his head in my lap until his mouth was against my stomach. I could feel his warm breath flow between my legs, and before I could stop it, a light moan of pleasure escaped my mouth.
My fingers clutched onto Austin’s hair, my iron grip indicating the severity of my want. Pulling him closer, Austin nuzzled my lower stomach, pressing kisses to my navel through the thin black material of my dress. I felt as though I were burning, and I knew it wasn’t from the open fire blazing before me. It was Austin—patient, understanding, and beautifully scarred Austin.
“Pix, fuck, I’m dying here… dying to touch you, dying to be with you… inside you…” Austin murmured and lowered his hand to fix the crotch of his jeans.
Heat engulfed my face and I squeezed my eyes shut.
Can I do this? Can I be with him how I want to be with him? Can I bare my body? No, I can’t go that far… and I can’t take him touching my back… Will it be awkward? Will he think I’m too fat? How could I cover enough of me to help me go through with it? How…?
The dynamics of how I could actually have sex were plaguing my mind. I wasn’t a normal girl who could fall for a boy, kiss, undress, then fall between the sheets and make reckless, passionate love. There was more to this than that. It would take courage I wasn’t sure I could muster and a surge of confidence I’ve never once been able to gain.
Lexington, you cannot do this. To do this you would need to lose at least another ten pounds. And the boy could never see you naked. He would laugh. Leave you and never look back. He would—
“Don’t listen to it, Pix. Don’t let it tell you that I ain’t wanting you beneath me right now.”
The voice’s negativity disappeared into vapor, and Austin’s words sounded as soothing as the lyrics of a child’s lullaby. A lullaby that took his place, and a sense of silent peace filled my heart.
Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and looked down. Austin’s understanding face was all I could see, and he added, “Because I do want you… real bad. You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. That voice inside your head doesn’t know shit about how it is for you and me together. Doesn’t know shit but trying to force you not to eat and take all your choice away.”
Taking a shuddering deep breath at his accurate assessment of what I kept so hidden, I held my hand against Austin’s on my cheek. Finding courage from somewhere deep within, I confessed, “I need you…”
Austin seemed to stop moving… stop breathing… and he whispered back, “I need you too.”
Taking the tattooed fingers on his tattooed hand, I began to lower it to my chest… to my breasts, never breaking eye contact and trying my best to push down the thumping threat of the voice’s reprise at the back of my mind. When Austin’s hand cupped my left breast, over my bra, I lowered my head and pressed my forehead to his. I skirted my shaking hand down over his drying shirt, under the hem at the bottom, until my hand was flat to the ripped, scalding skin.
“Austin, I don’t think you understand my meaning… Not only do I need you… but… I need you…”
I watched the Adam’s apple in Austin’s throat bounce with his hard swallow, and I implored my meaning to his with my overtly serious gaze.
“I need you… to be with me…” This time the intensity of his stare unnerved me.
Taking me by surprise, Austin abruptly sat up, gently took hold of my hips, and laid me down flat to the pillows below me, crawling over my prone body.
Austin’s torso lowered to meet mine, and his lips brushed down my cheek until they rested weightlessly against my mouth, but he didn’t move to kiss me. “I really fuckin’ need you too, Pix. Christ, I do.”
Relief washed through my body like a rapid white torrent, a welcomed submergence into water, as though I’d been baptized, reborn, revived from my cage of insecurity to openly embrace the boy to which I was freely sacrificing my heart.
Austin’s lips suddenly met mine, and the slow and sensual kiss that followed melted all my fears. Austin’s lips were as soft as a gossamer feather as they moved against mine, such a contrast to his hard and intimidating looks. His tongue probed the entrance of my mouth and slipped inside to meet mine. I boldly gripped the bulging muscles of his back, relishing the long groan that ripped from his throat as his hard length pressed between my legs.
The kiss grew deeper, and the longer it lasted, the more furious our movements became. Austin pinned me beneath him, his fingers clawing through my hair, and clutching the hem of his shirt, I began wrenching it up his back, the warming air in the summerhouse clinging to Austin’s moist skin.
Breaking from my mouth on a gasp, Austin panted hard and met my eyes with his dusky stare. I could see he was making sure I was okay, and seeing that I was, he sat back on his haunches and ripped his shirt over his head, his bare, colorfully tattooed torso on show for me to devour.
Lifting my hand, I ran my fingers, down the feathered wings of the dove on his throat, down his sternum, down the large Italian cross on his chest, and over the intricate scripts of calligraphic writings over his tight-packed abs and lower stomach. His olive skin was bronzed, the contours of his toned physique highlighted by the burning orange of the flames—gorgeous.
“Pix, you’re kinda killing me right now,” Austin said in a broken and graveled voice as my index finger slipped along the waistband of his jeans, his stomach tensing and contracting in response.
Austin’s eyes lazily grazed over my body, but this time I didn’t feel shame like I thought I would. Instead, I moved my hand to the button on the top of his zipper and threaded it through the hole, snapping it undone.
Austin’s head fell back on a hiss as my finger brushed against his hard tip and, falling forward, he smashed his lips against mine once more, using his thick thigh to pry my legs apart, lying in between, and commenced to rock against me… there.
“Austin…” I moaned loudly, and my back arched off the floor.
“Fuck, Pix,” Austin said through gritted teeth. “I need to be in
you… need to feel you…”
Then Austin’s words really hit home, and I felt as though a huge bucket of iced water was injected into my veins.
Austin immediately noticed the change in my mood and, lifting himself on his arms, glanced down at me in trepidation.
“Pix? You okay?” He was still out of breath, a flushed erotic tinge to his beautiful Latin skin.
Skirting lower down my body and stroking the back of his hand down my face, he whispered, “Tell me what’s wrong. Talk to me, Pix. You’re fuckin’ unnerving me.”
Unable to face him, I focused on the comforting fleur-de-lys on his neck and awkwardly admitted, “I’m real concerned I’ll react badly to your touch.”
Austin sighed and closed his eyes, and I felt a huge dose of embarrassment prickle over my skin. But he surprised me when he cupped my face and forced me to look at him… to really look at him.
“Pix, I know you’ve never done this before. I know I was your first kiss… your first anything with a guy. And fuck, I know I ain’t worthy of any of it.”
Austin ran his thumb up and down my cheek, and as always, with a gentleness you wouldn’t expect from such a huge guy, he whispered, “But if you’re wanting to be with me… really be with me, like I wanna be with you, I’m not gonna do jack shit to hurt you. I’m not gonna touch you where you don’t wanna be touched. I’m not gonna make you take off your clothes if it’s something you can’t do with me yet.” Austin pressed his forehead against mine and promised, “If you’re not ready to sleep with me, or do anything at all, I’m not gonna be offended. You just gotta tell me where you’re at right now, ’cause if this isn’t going nowhere, I’m gonna have to stop… It’s kinda painful for me at the minute…” He dropped his head to the crook of my neck. I could feel him panting aggressively with the strain.
As I ran my hands up and down his back, I tried to push aside my insecurities. I wanted this so badly. I wanted to be with Austin so badly. For tonight, I wanted to not be Lexington Hart, freak and anorexic. I wanted to be brave. I wanted to be the girl who was falling hopelessly in love with this boy who knew my biggest secret… this boy who could be arguably as broken as me… this boy who claimed he needed me as much as I needed him. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be loved for just plain ol’ normal me.
“Austin,” I whispered, staring at the reflected flames dancing on the wooden ceiling. He nodded his head against my neck to let me know he was listening, and I ran my hand through his hair. “Make love to me.”
Austin’s muscles tensed.
“Lexi…” He trailed off.
As I gripped his hair, I pushed, “Austin, make love to me. Just… be gentle… There’s a chance I might break…”
Soft lips began drifting up my neck, and I felt the touch all the way to my bones. As Austin reached my cheek, I ran my hands down to his back and held on to his bare shoulder blades.
“Are you sure?” Austin whispered as he passed my ear. I nodded, unable to speak through the intensity of the moment, and I heard his long sigh of release.
Austin’s head rose and he looked into my eyes. All I saw was adoration—complete and unconditional adoration. “You tell me if I do anything wrong, okay? We’ll do this however you need.”
Taking a deep breath, I whispered, “Please don’t touch my back. I can’t let you touch my back. It’s still a no-go for me.”
Austin tipped his head and brushed a kiss to my neck, combing my hair back from my face. “I wouldn’t have done that to you anyway. I remember everything you’ve ever said.”
My eyes closed as Austin’s hand drifted around the outside of my breast, and my feet curled at the foreign sensation sweeping between my legs. “And I can’t take off my dress either… Please just… try and work around it… I’m not ready to bare myself completely to you yet.”
Austin began to shift off me. “Lexi, if you don’t—”
I cupped his face, halting him in his tracks. “No! Please, I want this so much. We just have to approach it differently than you have with other girls.”
Austin stared at me in conflicted contemplation for several bated seconds but eventually closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose. “Okay,” he said, and his eyes snapped open.
Austin balanced on one hand and began his exploration of my breasts, lowering his head to suck and pull on the skin below my dress.
My hands held his head in a vise, and I couldn’t stop the moans of pleasure ripping from my mouth.
“I wanna taste you,” Austin murmured and lifted his hand to hook his fingers under my dress straps. Looking up at me through his black lashes, he raised his eyebrow, asking for permission.
My pulse was thundering, but uncovering my breasts didn’t fill me with dread, as I feared. They were an average B-cup and had never been an area of concern. I wanted to show at least that much of myself to him.
“Please…” I moaned. “Take it down slowly. But let me stay on my back… I can’t let you see my back…”
Austin groaned and, doing as I asked, slowly pulled down my straps until my black T-shirt bra came into view. Austin’s almond-shaped eyes flared and he proceeded to undo the front clasp of the small, wired cups, until my pale breasts slid into view, my nipples erect as if reaching for the touch of his mouth.
“Fuckin’ perfect,” Austin whispered and, leaving my dress and bra wrapped around my waist, hovered above my chest and began nipping teasingly at the previously unkissed skin. My hands slammed to the nape of Austin’s neck, and my legs instinctively wrapped around his waist as I rubbed myself against the rigid material of his jeans.
My breath echoed in my ears as a raging fire ignited between my legs, and when Austin kissed my left nipple, licking the nib with the tip of his wet tongue, I felt like screaming out in frustration over the sensations assaulting my inexperienced body.
“Fuck, Pix, you taste so good,” Austin said around my breast, and when he sucked my nipple in his mouth and simultaneously rocked between my legs, a light burst behind my eyes, and all I could see were stars. A great feeling of euphoria sent me soaring high in uncontainable pleasure.
“Austin!” I shrilled as I reached my peak, and I panted breathlessly into his hair, feeling wet between my legs.
With one last swipe of his tongue, Austin lifted his mouth from my breasts, and I beamed red with excited embarrassment. But Austin didn’t make a comment as his nostrils flared at the sight; he just stared at me with deep want, skirted down my legs, and silently lifted the bottom of my long dress. As he kneeled before me, I could see the extent of his need tented in his jeans, the zipper undone and exposing the strained material of his black boxer briefs.
Austin watched me like a hawk watches his prey. I knew it was for any sign of panic his actions toward me might trigger, but I kept our stare and nodded my head, encouraging him to go farther.
As my skirt reached my knees, exposing my calves, a slither of discomfort settled in my stomach, but I nodded my head once more for him to keep going. Austin pushed the light black material slowly up my thighs, and only then did the strength of my fears become too much to bear.
“Wait!” I said frantically, and Austin paused, his eyes narrowing slightly in concern. Tipping my head back to gaze out the skylight at the moon, I tried to focus on calming down and not on the bad thoughts whirling in my mind… of what Austin might think of my thighs.
Will he see cellulite? Will he think they’re large? Will he—
Austin’s face suddenly appeared before me, his lips lowering to gently kiss mine. “We don’t have to go no further, Pix. Just say the word.”
Running my finger down the roughness of his stubbled cheek, I then traced it around the shell of his ear and to the small black gauges plugging his lobes.
“You’re so beautiful, Pix. You’re fuckin’ robbing me of air every time I glance down at you like this.”
This time when my heart came fast, it was in lust and adoration, not fear. Reaching up to take Austin’s hand, I plac
ed mine on top of his and guided it down my breasts, down my stomach, and to the tops of my thighs.
Austin groaned. “Pix—”
“Keep going, Austin. I want you to keep going… Feel me… Show me how it feels…”
Austin’s forehead dropped to my shoulder, and his head began to shake. “I’m not so sure this is a good idea, Pix. I don’t wanna lose control and scare you off.”
Water filled my eyes, and I turned my head until my lips were brushing his cheek, breathing the same small space of air. “I know I’m difficult to be with. But I want you to make love to me… Please don’t make me beg.”
Austin fixed his gaze on mine and he rolled above me, his arms boxing in my head on the pillow. “Pix, what I feel for you is fuckin’ scary. I thought you were gorgeous from the first time I saw you standing in the empty stadium like some dark pixie lost in a weird dream. But then what I felt for you quickly went to shit. I worried for weeks that you would destroy me, my family, the way my brothers made money.”
He took a deep breath, and the flames from the fire mirrored in his eyes. “And you have destroyed me, Pix, but never how I thought. You destroyed the fence I’d built up to keep people out. You destroyed the hard-ass persona I wore like a shield. But even more than that, you destroyed any reluctance I had to find comfort in someone else. You fuckin’ bulldozed me, Pix. You, my tiny dark pixie, made all my defenses crumble to dust.”
Austin’s lips crashed against mine, and I held him tightly to my mouth, our need almost bruising in its fever. But Austin pulled back, face completely serious, and finished. “I got something I wanna tell you, Pix. Two words that are almost busting from my chest. Two words I’ve never told no one before. But until I know I have you completely, and you have me, no secrets, no barriers in our way, I won’t be saying them out loud. But I want you to know they’re in my heart all the same.”
My chest was full, so full of uncoiled emotion at his honestly, and I tried hard to think of the two words he wanted to say. Is it love? Does he love me? Do I love him? Could I love him? Or are we both too destroyed to ever be good for one another?