Aki covered her ears, sweating and rocking about the floor in order to drive the thoughts out of her head.
My father cares, but he cares in... the wrong way.
The wrong way...
‘Shut up...’
The wrong way...
‘Shut up!’
The wrong way...
‘SHUT UP!’ Her fingers snaked through her damp hair as she wailed from her internal misery, heart pounding in her ear while memories of her bitter childhood abused her mind. The memories were like knives to her, each one causing her to shift around on her wooden floor, shrieking as the pain from those memories she tried so hard to forget returned to her and implanted themselves so that she would never forget them again.
‘Aki...’ Her father groaned. ‘AKI!...’ His hand landed heavily on her door, startling her and replacing her misery with fear.
Aki stumbled as she got onto her feet, cautiously leaning towards the door. ‘NO! Go away! GO AWAY!’ She stood huffing on the spot.
‘Doing your homework like a good girl...’ Was all he said. Still, her door handle began to slowly turn.
‘NO! Don’t come in here!’ Aki ordered firmly. ‘You want to hurt me? All you do is hurt me!’
‘But I...’
‘NO! I don’t want you in here!’
Clumsily, her bedroom door opened revealing her father’s scruffy form; work shirt several months old, untucked, stained and mouldy at his armpits; belt-less trousers that had slid partway down his legs, displaying his prominent affection towards his daughter; an unshaven face with a head of shaggy hair filled with dust and crawling with lice and bugs, eyes red and sleep deprived that appeared glazed-over. ‘Aki...’
‘Look at what you’ve done to me! Look at how you’ve damaged me! Can’t you see!? Father!?’ Aki’s wet and frizzy hair trembled as her body moved vehemently in conjunction with her words, sleep deprived eyes drilling into her father.
Her father advanced lethargically, each step forcing Aki deeper into her room. ‘Don’t raise you voice to me... I’m your father...’ He said in a calm, shaky voice.
‘No!’ She shook her head in disbelief. ‘That man is dead! You killed him! You killed him with your drinking and your drug abuse! Why!?’
Still her father advanced.
‘You’ve destroyed everything! You and mother!’ Aki felt herself begin to cry. ‘You drove my sister away! She was sick and you wouldn’t take care of her! My older sister! You forced me to do it and I couldn’t! And so she left! Can’t you see what you’re doing to your family!? To me!?’ Now her eyes pinched themselves closed and fear now welded her to the spot, allowing her filthy father to close the gap between them, taking menacing step after menacing step. Soon his over-powering smell was right in her face, and as he leaned in she leaned back until her father’s gruesome form was hovering over her.
A hand crawled over her chin, gently grabbing her and bringing her back forward.
‘You don’t know what you’ve done... You don’t understand...’ Aki whispered. Her eyes opened reluctantly to gross sight of her father ogling her. Quickly, her head jutted in another direction. ‘You’re supposed to love me. You’re supposed to care about me. But you don’t... You and mother... Where did you go?’ She looked at her father again. ‘Father, don’t you care about me? Don’t you see me? Don’t you see that you’re hurting your daughter?’
Her father merely stood as he did.
‘Father...’
Without warning he planted his lips onto hers, filling her mouth with breath so rancid that her tears began to feel like acid. His tongue swirled around her mouth as if he was attempting to rinse it out. Aki stood there petrified, eyes wide as her father violated her and even when he pulled away from here was so stunned that she had forgotten how to breathe.
Her father then reach around to lick her neck, an action enough to bring Aki back. ‘NO!’ She bellowed, pushing him back a few steps but, he wiped his mouth then grinned eagerly baring his teeth in anticipation.
Aki closed her eyes, turning her head away from him and as she did so she felt his hand land on her shoulders. ‘I hate you... I hate you!’
Her father went on to unbutton her school shirt and Aki didn’t stop him as fear intoxicated her. He paused to stare at her engorged breasts before sliding her skirt down. Tears sliding down the curves of her bare skin, shirt unbuttoned and sliding off, her skirt fell around her ankles and her underwear became the now most noticeable item of clothing on her body. Bare, her nipples became stood out as the cold atmosphere brushed her skin.
Feeling the air on her skin made her feel alive and feeling alive suddenly felt great to Aki. ‘Papa, sit down on the bed. I’ll make you feel really good.’ Aki smiled a seducing, affectionate smile, gesturing for her father to sit on the stiff mattress which he gladly did.
Aki stepped out of her skirt, sitting on her father lap, resting her arms on his shoulders. Whispering into his ear she said, ‘You’re here. I know this is you. Ayumi.’ She licked his ear. ‘You’re trying to push me. You’re trying to hurt me. You’re trying to break me.’ Suddenly her hands were around her father’s neck, squeezing without reluctance or hesitation. ‘You fool, I’m already broken. Look around you. All this, this has already happened to me. Papa has already raped me in this instance. There’s no mind left to torment – no soul to torture.’
‘A...ki...’ Her father whimpered as he struggled to breathe, his face quickly turning a different colour while veins bulged under his skin.
‘You want to own me, papa?’ Aki continued to whisper, now with a sadistic look on her face, all reasoning leaving her cold, hazel eyes. ‘You, Ayumi and the world, you think you can control me? You think you can hurt me again and again and I will just lay on my back while you fuck me over. No more... I’ll show you. I’ll show you all what I’m capable of.’ Her hands left her father’s throat, and the man looked relieved. Instead, Aki cradled her father’s head, holding it against her chest as if to comfort him. ‘I do love you, papa.’